#tw depressive episode

cw abuse mention, depression/anxiety spiralling

What if I really am just an ugly, lazy female with no self esteem like I assumed I was for 31 years? What if I’m not nb at all and I’m just making the nb community look bad by appropriating the label? What if for me it’s never really been about “not feeling female” and instead I’ve used that as an excuse to avoid admitting to myself that I’m simply Not Attractive and that being unattractive (as a female in particular) makes me feel worthless?

What if I never stop having nightmares about my abuser? What if the abuse was the one and only time in my life that any person would or will ever want to touch me? What if my nightmares are the closest I’ll ever get to “romance” for the rest of my life?

What if my parents both die tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and I’m left with no more excuses, motivation, or means to continue living?