#tw suicide ideation
TW MEDICAL TALK, TW SURGERY MENTIONS, TW HEALTH MENTION, TW BLOOD MENTION, TW SUICIDE IDEATION (one line)
in short, a further reason why i will be taking a break
i talked about making a personal and remaking, but i do think this will wait until march or later. mainly due to the fact that unfortunately my mental health has suffered greatly these past few weeks, especially this week( i won’t lie i really wanted to kill myself monday and tuesday and made sure i wasn’t alone so as not to). And further more my mother has now been hospitalized for a botched surgery in Mexico as of 1am this morning. If I’m being honest, i think she’s really lucky to have made it back alive due to various health factors she has, on top of apparently bleeding nonstop for the drive back home. like to put into perspective… her car seat looks like a murder scene and the blood is so soaked into it, it will not come out.
talks of surgery to close her up properly are in the talks, but they did find a complication with her kidney being damaged on top of the other mess. like i said… a lot of health issues and complications and it’s… not a good time.she’s high risk for a few things. i won’t lie, my relationship with her is strained, but she’s still my mom and i still nearly broke down more than once today at the thought of possibly losing her. so for various and obvious reasons, i will not be active. i’ll be on discord or around, but to say the least… i need a fucking break and this added rpc bs isn’t going to help. so i am taking a much needed break. like i said, you are welcome to msg me during this time and so on, i’ll welcome distractions but otherwise, i’ll see ya’ll in a few weeks or months. if you read this, thanks for understanding and i hope to see you when i return. stay safe.
Wolf cried to the Moon
“My life and love is now gone,
take me to the heavens
and enclose my heart in ice.”
Grieved, the Moon granted Wolf’s wish.
cw abuse mention, depression/anxiety spiralling
What if I really am just an ugly, lazy female with no self esteem like I assumed I was for 31 years? What if I’m not nb at all and I’m just making the nb community look bad by appropriating the label? What if for me it’s never really been about “not feeling female” and instead I’ve used that as an excuse to avoid admitting to myself that I’m simply Not Attractive and that being unattractive (as a female in particular) makes me feel worthless?
What if I never stop having nightmares about my abuser? What if the abuse was the one and only time in my life that any person would or will ever want to touch me? What if my nightmares are the closest I’ll ever get to “romance” for the rest of my life?
What if my parents both die tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and I’m left with no more excuses, motivation, or means to continue living?
