#suicide ideation
its gonna be wild when i have my next check up with the mental health service and I tell them that while I haven’t cut in months, i havethought about it and spent a lot of time staring at where the skin on my wrists is super translucent and my suicide plan has gotten more elaborate and romanticised
but i’m still masking like….masterfully
just neurodivergent things: when you got so used to having suicidal thoughts that you don’t realize that imagining yourself dead or just kind of assuming that you will die young or sometimes feeling the impulse probably means you need help.
just neurodivergent things: when someone you used to be friends with tries to commit suicide and you Need to be worse than everyone else or your problems aren’t Valid so your suicidal thoughts go into overdrive.
this one is a little more serious I guess
- i am at my job and I want to work. there’s plenty to do, and I want to do it. some things bore me but others are fun once I get started. so why am i refreshing twitter for the 50th time instead
- i’m not even enjoying twitter but I can’t s t o p
- *getting distracted from a conversation in the middle of my own sentence because my brain took a few quantum leaps and now I’m thinking about space*
- ‘… I don’t remember where I was going with this’ I admit after 3 tangential stories and a complete topic change
- everything is equally important but it’s physically impossible for me to do everything so my brain decides on its own what stuff to dump from the memory as unimportant. things my brain has decided is not important:
- paying my student loans off. for seven years
- going to a court date. now i’m not legal to drive for the foreseeable future
- invalidation hell: ‘all millennials have adult adhd’ ‘it’s a quarter-life crisis thing to get diagnosed with adhd’ *all google results about adhd meds are primarily about drug abuse* ‘sell me your extras? lol’ ‘you’re way too organized to be adhd’ ‘isn’t that only a boy thing?’ ‘isn’t that only a kid thing?’ ‘whatever it’s just overdiagnosed’
- an unusual story: I was an excellent student. I loved school. I loved learning. I did all my homework; I thought it was fun. I had a hard time doing long-term projects but I hardly had any of those in elementary and middle school. if I had attention problems i was more than smart enough to cover up for those.
- in 8th grade I got A’s in every class in every quarter. A B+ in Civics threatened that my second quarter. It was because I had forgotten to turn in my community service form and subsequently lost it. my teacher relented when I cried, trusting I had done it because I was such a good student.
- i got into a competitive magnet high school. we were the best of the best. the school, afraid of how we would handle competition, didn’t offer any special recognition for excellence. at the same time, my parents divorced. Worst of all, I found fandom.
- adhd experts call it a ‘breaking point’ or ‘tipping point’ - the point at which an adhd-er can’t cope anymore and it all falls apart all at once. for me, the first breaking point was high school, with the competing interests of fandom and classwork.
- college: a largely unstructured learning environment that requires self-discipline and time management skills
- my adhd brain: *nervous laughter* haha what the fuck
- me: *withdraws after 4 years with 45 completed credit-hours*
- *gets a text* I better leave that unread so I remember to reply when I have time for a text conversation, or the conversation will distract me from what I’m doing now *never actually responds to the text, stops noticing the ‘unread’ icon after 48 hours
- don’t do that *immediately does it anyway*
- why did I do that
- the idea that I should
- (I forgot what I was writing in the above bullet point)
- that low-key feeling of dread I get when somebody wants me to watch a video or listen to a song b/c the thought of giving something I may not enjoy my undivided attention for longer than 15 seconds is awful
- something gotta bounce. a leg, a toe, a finger, something g o t t a b o u n c e
- anxiety before meetings b/c what if I forgot something I was supposed to do. anxiety before phone conversations b/c what if I say something and don’t pick up on the social cues that tell me not to. anxiety w/friends b/c if I do something shitty they’ll be too nice to tell me and then eventually they’ll just leave b/c I always do something dumb and awkward b/c evidently I just don’t even notice when I’m being an ass. anxiety because it’s happened so many times before and it’s not even like I can blame them because I’m the one who’s an oblivious jerk
- someone is mad at me and I wanna die. no really, here’s some ways I could do it, I think it would be better if I just– *gets a text from said friend forgiving me* the world is sunshine and rainbows!!
- ‘okay I wanna reach this goal’ does nothing but work on the goal for the next two weeks* *the second the goal is reached the project/game/etc is abandoned and never thought about again
- the idea of having no distractions is amazing but what do you do when the distraction is your own brain
cw abuse mention, depression/anxiety spiralling
What if I really am just an ugly, lazy female with no self esteem like I assumed I was for 31 years? What if I’m not nb at all and I’m just making the nb community look bad by appropriating the label? What if for me it’s never really been about “not feeling female” and instead I’ve used that as an excuse to avoid admitting to myself that I’m simply Not Attractive and that being unattractive (as a female in particular) makes me feel worthless?
What if I never stop having nightmares about my abuser? What if the abuse was the one and only time in my life that any person would or will ever want to touch me? What if my nightmares are the closest I’ll ever get to “romance” for the rest of my life?
What if my parents both die tomorrow, or next week, or next year, and I’m left with no more excuses, motivation, or means to continue living?
