Bucky felt really guilty hiding things from you, but still pushed the feeling away as he started the process of his retirement, as a surprise for you.
All you ever said was that you wanted him to be happy, and now he knew that only one thing would make him happy: to retire and build up a new life with you.
It would take a total of six months to get everything done and in place. Last week, he had picked up some houses for you two to visit, and the first was a farm that was out for sale when its owner decided to move out.
Right now, he was driving you down there, after pointing out to everyone how this was a surprise, and that you shouldn’t be told that this was a visit with a buying intention.
If you liked the place, that he was going to give you that farm.
“You know that you can just tell me where we are going, right?” you looked at him as Bucky drove. “I’ll find out eventually, why not just say it?”
Bucky shook his head, trying not to smile.
“It’s my first day off in weeks,” he reminded you. “I’m supposed to be able to surprise you every once in a while.”
You scoffed, rolling your eyes, though smiling.
“Fine,” you chuckled. “Surprise me, then.”
He smiled as he drove into the farm, and watched with excitement as you slowly realised where you two were about to go.
“Bucky, is that a farm?” you turned to him. “Are we visiting a farm?”
“Yep,” he smiled.
You smiled largely, turning to him with a very excited look on your face.
“I always wanted to visit a farm!” you told him, elated, reaching for his hand and squeezing it, nearly jumping on your spot. “Bucky!”
“I know,” he grinned, kissing your knuckles.
“Do they have fruit?” you asked, smiling even more. “I always wanted to pick fruit, I always want to have a… uh… You what a hortais?” you asked, slipping into Portuguese.
Horta.
He knew that word, right? You’d been teaching him Portuguese, and it was a bit like Romanian.
But wasn’t that a blood vessel? A horta?
“With the vegetables,” you added. “Planted on the ground.”
Bucky just blinked, confused.
“Like a garden, but for vegetables,” you added.
“Oh,” he mumbled.
That was it?
“A vegetable garden,” he told you.
Your smile fell for a moment, and you frowned, grimacing a little.
“English is so boring,” you shook your head.
He snorted, used to the little comment by now. You had spent so many years speaking Portuguese that English was almost new to you, considering you had had your memory erased by Hydra many, many times.
“Well, they do,” he told you. “And a strawberry field.”
Your eyes sparkled. Oh, yes, Bucky knew you always wanted to see a strawberry field.
“Can we pick them out?” you asked, eager.
“As a matter of fact, yes, we can,” he told you, still squeezing your hand.
“Amazing!” you smiled more, and looked over the road. “Are we there yet?”
He laughed at your excitement.
“In a minute.”
You squeezed his hand more, and waited silently, walking out of the car with the biggest of grins and grabbing his hand right back when Bucky moved to your side.
“Come on,” you pulled him. “I wanna see the strawberry fields!”
Bucky let you drag him into the farm, and the employees explained everything as you squeezed him and smiled largely along, squeezing his arm when you two got to the field.
“I always wanted to go to a place like this,” you whispered when you were finally alone.
He chuckled, a little lost. Bucky was a city boy through and through; he had never had any experience with farms or whatever, but this was a big dream for you, and he would love to live like this with you: have a nice time in a farm, have some chickens, and your own little hortaand fruit garden.
Bucky looked in your direction, and stopped, a little surprised, when he realised you were nearly crying.
“Honey?” he whispered.
You nodded slowly.
“I always wanted to come to a place like this,” you told him, looking forward, and watching the place. “Thank you.”
Bucky smiled, raising your hand to his lips and kissing your knuckles.
“If you like it, we can come here more often,” he offered. “Maybe once a month?”
“Oh, we would come every single week if I could,” you told him, grinning, look so damn happy he had to hold back from telling you the truth, that this was to be your home. “Oh, we could bring the twins. They would love this…”
A glimpse of something new crossed your face, and you looked at him, a little hesitant, making your boyfriend stop and try to understand it.
“What is it?” Bucky asked after a few seconds.
“I wish we could bring our kids here,” you whispered softly, sounding so hopeful and with a lovely look on your face and some pink blush over your cheeks. “When-…”
You interrupted yourself, and your eyes widened as you looked at him, a little cared.
“If,” you corrected your own words.
Bucky shook his head. No, not if.
“When,” he told you, repeating your first words. “When we have them.”
Your beautiful lips curled in a happy smile, and you turned forward again, looking more hopeful and happy now.
“When we have them,” you continued. “I want to bring them here.”
Bucky smiled.
He could raise your kids here, a bunch of little rascals who looked like both you and him, who would run around with sunscreen all over their faces because you would worry about the going in the sun, and clothes that would be most likely always dirty because they would always be in contact with nature and dirt.
And they would be so happy, healthy and well-fed, because you two would be careful fathers, and would make sure they were always healthy.
“We will,” he assured you, and tugged on your hand. “Come. Let’s see the strawberries.”
Right after you had finished preparing his bottle, Tommy had woken up very - very - hungry, and you had given the first twin for him to hold as you walked to the latter’s crib, and the baby in his arms refused to let you pick him up after that, which meant Bucky was tasked with feeding him.
His heart was beating so fast that he didn’t even know if it was normal or possible. Half the time, he thought little Billy was going to choke on the warm milk, but whenever he tried to correct his posture, the boy just gripped the bottle and continued sucking, in a nearly infinite hunger.
When the bottle was dry and his stomach full, you stepped closer to the two with Tommy in your arms.
“Rest him over your chest and shoulder like this,” you instructed carefully, showing how you had the baby against your chest, with his head a little over your shoulder and a little cloth protecting your skin. “And give his back a few taps.”
Taps?
He was supposed to hit him on the back? How was that even wise?!
“What?” he asked.
“He needs to burp,” you pointed out. “Or he’ll be gassy. And you don’t want that baby to be gassy.”
Bucky’s eyes widened, and he fumbled with Billy, trying to be careful with him as he held him, using his metal arm to safely secure him and tapping his back with his right hand, as softly as possible.
“It’s okay,” you told him. “You can be a little firmer.”
He looked back up at you, and held his breath when you secured Tommy against you with a single arm, coving his hand with yours and showing how he was supposed to be tapping on Billy’s back.
“There you go,” you smiled.
Bucky nodded, hesitant, and released a breath when he felt the little boy burping over his shoulder.
“Oh, good,” he sighed.
When he looked up at you, however, you were staring at him with shock on your face. .
“I’ll get you a new shirt,” you told him, walking away with the little boy.
Before Bucky could ask what was wrong, he felt it. The wet goo, dripping down his metal arm, very warm.
“What is this?” he asked, wide-eyed.
“Baby puke,” you said in a confessional tone, bringing him another shirt. “I didn’t know you hadn’t been around babies before.”
Bucky exhaled, watching you put Tommy in a space that really just looked like a baby jail and walking to him, taking a fussy Billy away from his arms.
“I have,” he confessed, taking off his shirt. “But just my younger sister, Rebecca. It’s been a while.”
The little smile on your face disappeared, and he looked away. He missed Rebecca very much. The last he heard, she was already dead, but her children were alive, and it still pained him that he couldn’t have said goodbye.
Billy struggled in your arms, reaching for Bucky and whining, and he picked the little baby up again.
“It’s okay,” he rubbed the little boy’s back. “I’m here, Billy.”
You moved back to pick Tommy up, and Bucky was left staring at the brown-eyed little boy in his arms. He looked a lot like Wanda, now he was looking at him with attention. He had her eyes and her cheeks.
Bucky stopped and looked at you enchanted as he watched you tickle Tommy very gently, making soft cooing sounds and grinning excitedly when he giggled at you.
“Do you want to go out to the park?” you suggested, turning to him. “In half an hour, maybe?”
He nodded, still a little awed.
“Yes,” he agreed. “Of course.”
“Let’s just wait until a little for them to do their business,” you caressed. “Then we can change them and have a little walk.”
Fifteen minutes later, Bucky was showering after a little mishap with changing the babies, and watched as you held Billy in your arms, watching Tommy in his stroller.
“He doesn’t want to get in the pram,” you told him.
Bucky frowned, picking Billy up again.
“Pram?” he repeated.
You thought with yourself for a second.
“Stroller,” you corrected yourself.
He nodded, and held Billy gently.
“I guess he wants to be held,” he remarked.
You just smiled and pushed the wheeled little cart away, and he followed after you, still holding Billy in his arm.
It was a nice feeling, to have that kid in his arms and wanting him, wanting to be around him.
Sure, Billy and his twin brother were Wanda and Vision’s son, not his. He was just their uncle and neighbour.
But… it would be nice, right? To have his own kids, to raise his own little family with you. His own kiddo to puke a little bit of milk on his shirt after a feeding, to giggle as he tickled them, to give their first steps in his direction… It would be nice to be a father.
Once again, he looked at the brown-eyed boy in his arms, protected from the sun with a soft hat. The Maximoff twins were the children of two powerful parents and needed special treatment. It was unlikely that they were going to have an average existence. They would probably have their powers showing soon, and who could predict how extraordinary they would be.
Sure, you and Bucky had some serum that made you two stronger than usual, but this was it. Your biological children wouldn’t need an extra eye on them, they wouldn’t need to be trained or anything, no. If you two decided to adopt, then they would be like any other children.
Regardless, what they needed was a safe place, a home to grow, a place they could run and scrape their knees and elbows. They would get dirt on their clothes and a dog, and parents who would let them slip into their bed when the rain was too loud and scared them.
They would need two dads who were guaranteed to be stably at home with them, not on crazy missions across the world.
If Bucky wanted that, then he would need to retire.
Whatever had woken you, whatever the nightmare had been about, had left you with no memory of it but all the emotions coursing through you. Fear, dread, and bitter loneliness tore at your insides. You fled your room, feeling like the walls were closing in on you. For a while, you sat in the common room of the tower trying to calm yourself. Utter exhaustion finally drove you back towards your room. Your arms wrapped around yourself and lost in your thoughts, you made your way quietly.
“Doll, you okay?” comes a low voice.
You see Bucky standing in his doorway and something in you breaks. Shuffling over to him, you press your head to his chest as a sob wracks through you. Immediately his strong arms wrap around you and his voice is in your ear, “You’re okay, Doll. I’ve got you. You’re safe with me.” He holds you until your sob abate and then stands swaying with you and rubbing your back until you feel strong enough to pull away.
“I’m sorry. I… had a nightmare.” You say.
“Don’t apologize for crying.” Bucky pulls you into his room and closes the door, “Do you wanna talk about it?”
“I don’t even remember it. I woke feeling scared and alone and… and… I don’t know. It sounds stupid now that I’ve said it out loud.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“I was gonna try to go back to sleep. What are you doing up?” You wonder why he’s awake at 2am.
“I heard someone walking down the hall and thought I’d check.” Bucky shrugs.
“Oh. Well, I’ll let you get back to sleep. Thanks, Bucky.” You head to his door.
“Anytime, Doll.”
When you reach his door you put your hand on the knob to open it but just end up pressing your forehead to the door. You were loath to leave the warmth of his presence. The loneliness had pulled at you with each step you took towards his door until you felt weighted down by it.
“Doll?” Bucky’s voice is filled with concern.
“I’m sorry.” You say reaching for the knob again.
“Doll.” Bucky’s hand covers yours. “Come on, I’ll hold you until you fall asleep.“ He pulls you to his bed. He lays down and then holds the covers up for you to crawl in. You fought with yourself for a moment, not wanting to invade his space, not wanting to be needy, but one look at his face melted any resistance. He looked at you with such open kindness. You lay down, pressing yourself as close to his body as you can, burying your face in his chest and clinging to his waist. He wraps his arms around you and tangles your legs together. “I won’t leave you alone. Promise.”
“Thank you, Bucky.” You whisper against him.
“Anything you need, Doll. All you ever have to do is ask. I’ll be here for you.” He kisses the top of your head. “Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Everything ready for the test?” Bruce asks as he comes into the lab.
“Looks like it.” You say.
“Everything is ready. I’ve figured this thing out down to the molecular level.” Tony grins.
You roll your eyes at his overconfidence. The machine was an unknown entity that you thought may be an interstellar communication device but, truthfully, no one knew what it really did. You, Bruce, and Tony had studied each part of it in the lab and, now that you had gleaned all the information you could, the only option left was to run a test.
“Alright, let’s do this.” You say.
“The honor is all yours.” Tony grins.
You switch on the machine with 10% power and look at the readouts, “This is strange.”
“Let’s turn the power up.” Tony says as he turns the dial. “This is fascinating. I’m going to full power.”
You wake with a start. The clock reads 3am. Unsure of what woke you, you listen for a few minutes but hear no unusual sounds. Your stomach is knotted. On a whim, you get out of bed and stand in the hallway listening again. It’s then that you hear a faint grunt and the whispered word “no.” You move towards Bucky’s room, realizing he must be having a nightmare, and open the door to silently slip inside.
“Bucky.” You whisper while moving closer to his bed. “Bucky, wake up.” Touching him is a crapshoot and you weigh your options. You say his name louder but when Bucky only continues to grunt and jerk, you put a hand on his shoulder. His eyes fly open feeling the touch and he stares at you wide-eyed and chest heaving. “Hey. It’s me. You’re okay. You were having a nightmare.”
Summary: As an aspiring author and current intern, getting a new car was a luxury you never dreamed of. Natasha, your roommate, used you a personal chauffeur until your car started breaking down. Luckily, you knew some people who worked at Auto Buddy, an auto shop, who could fix your car. But you hadn’t met Bucky yet, and quickly after you found out you’d be stuck with him for a little while.
Warnings: age gap (bucky is a dilf), swearing, romance, sexual tension, mentions of domestic abuse, swearing, angst, fluff, inaccurate description of mechanical actions.
Prologue - May 12th
Episode One - May 16th
Episode Two - May 23nd
Episode Three - May 30th
Episode Four - June 6th
Epsiode Five - June 13th
Epilogue - June 20th
tag list info: if you’d like to be added to the tag list please send an ask, it’s much easier for me to keep track of everything if all the of the requests come from the ask section. thank you!
“What was that supposed to mean?” you slowly lowered your book and looked over to Bucky who had just gotten comfortable under the sheets.
“Come on,” he smiled, “it was a joke.”
“It wasn’t funny,” you rolled your eyes and picked up your book again.
You could see from the corner of your eye Bucky was still looking at you, his lips slightly parted, looking like he was in shock you took to joke to heart. “Babe-” he cut himself off by moving closer to you, gently pushing your book down again, “I’m sorry, that was a bad joke,” he shook his head, “I make jokes about that stuff and it’s self-deprecating, when I make it about you I’m being mean to my girlfriend and…” you still hadn’t looked at him, Bucky took a deep breath, “that was really shitty of me to do that.”
“Whatever,” you breathed as you flipped the page.
“It’s not whatever, babe,” Bucky sat up, “I shouldn’t have- hey, look at me,” he took the book more forcefully from your hands, “I’m trying to have a conversation and apologize to you, you can’t just ignore me and read your stupid book, alright?” he shook his head and placed the book on your bedside table.
“Well I don’t want to talk right now,” you picked your book back up, “I wanted to read and you got in my way, you apologized so now I’m back to reading my book.” before you could find your page again Bucky had snatched it, dropping it on the ground.
“We never go to bed mad at each other,” Bucky pressed, shifting his body so he could make eye contact with you, “what else is going on?”
“That’s just a stupid rule to force people to forgive one another when in reality it’s better to wait a while before talking about it,” you crossed your arms.
“Excuse me?” Bucky’s eyebrows quickly furrowed, “since when have I ever forced you to do anything?”
You looked at him for a moment, an answer on the tip of your tongue. You knew if you were going to say it that would lead to a completely different argument, as he looked at you with a knowing look, thinking he’d won, you tried your best to think of a reason to say what you had in mind, all of the scenarios would lead to a larger argument.
“See?” he asked, “nothing, I’ve never forced-”
“You force me to talk about Hydra.”
The room fell silent, Bucky’s lips parted again but in a different kind of shock. That was a massive blow and you could see it on his face he was angry yet sad at the same time, from the look on his face he knew what you were talking about.
“You think I was forcing you?” he whispered, all you could do was nod. “Baby,” he sighed and leaned forward so his head was resting on your stomach, “no…I wanted to help, I-I thought if I could get you to talk about it to someone then you’d feel better and be more open, I never wanted to force you,” he shook his head and turned it so his cheek was pressed against your stomach but he was looking up at you.
“Well, that’s what it felt like,” you whispered and looked up, not trying to look at his puppy dog eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, “fuck, is that why you’ve been distant lately?”
You looked down at him, “I haven’t been distant.”
“Yes you have,” he nodded, circling his arms around you.
“No,” you paused, “I haven’t.”
Bucky sighed and sat up again, “we’re going to get nowhere if you keep denying everything,” he ran a hand down his face, “just understand that I felt you’ve been distant.”
“That’s different from just saying I’ve been distant,” you sat up and looked at him, “I haven’t been distant but if you felt that way then I’ll try and fix it, sometimes I’m tired or I don’t want to be swaddled every single second of my day.”
Bucky whispered, “oh my god,” as he looked away, taking a moment for himself, “that’s so insensitive and you know that, we’ve talked about how I feel better when I’m touching you, I feel grounded and you really want to call me clingy?” he stood up and paced, scoffing every once in a while.
“It was insensitive to say I’m being distant,” you stood up as well, the bed between the both of you.
“How did we get here?” Bucky asked in defeat, letting his arm drop like dead weight.
“Don’t pull that card,” you placed both hands on the bed and lead towards him, “don’t act tired and say we’re going to deal with this tomorrow because we never do, we always push it to the side and act like nothing wrong for a few days and then we’re back here again.”
Bucky just stood on the other side of the bed, dressed in his pyjamas and looking ready for bed. He took a step back so he could lean his body weight on the shared desk in your shared room, arms folded in front of him. “So, what do we do?” he asked calmly.
“We get all of it out, we say everything we’ve been keeping stored up, we say it now.”
“You seem really eager to insult me,” Bucky tilted his head to the side, standing up and walking to the other side of the bed to face you.
“Jesus,” you wiped down your face, “you love to just slightly twist everything around so it fits your narrative, you love to make me look like the bad guy, huh?”
“When have I ever done that?” Bucky didn’t sound tired like he wanted to sleep, he was tired of the conversation.
“Literally two seconds ago,” you scoffed, “I said that couples make that rule to not go the bed angry to force each other to forgive them, then you said ‘when have I ever forced you to do anything?’ well, that’s not what I said,” you looked him deep in the eye, “I never said youforceme to do anything, though I feel that way, I said that rule was used to force other couples, you make me look like the bad guy.” you hands touched your chest, trying to communicate how sure you were of this reason.
“Give me another one,” he said sharply, his upper lip twitching.
“It’ll probably happen in this conversation, so I’ll let you know,” you sneered, “now you go, hit me.”
Bucky shook his head and look up, letting out a deep breath, “you’re too closed off to be in a relationship, I know almost nothing about you, you don’t try to be a girlfriend.” you had nothing to say, just waiting for him to elaborate, “that’s the take, that’s it,” he shrugged, “you’re not open enough to let someone in, I’m trying to understand you, I’m trying to help but every time I get another inch in you shut me out and we’re here again, I just don’t understand what you want from me as your boyfriend.”
“I-” your voice got caught in your throat, “I don’t know.”
“Then what are we doing here?” he asked slowly, there was no anger in his voice, only sadness. “Why are we dating when we should have stayed friends, cuddle buddies,” his voice was filled with sorrow, “I have so much love for you, I want to protect you, and hold you, and tell you everything is going to be okay between us but I can’t,” he sighed and cupped your cheek so you were looking at him, “we’re not a good fit and I hate that we had to fight every day to figure that out.”
You nodded before slowly walking towards him, letting your head fall on his chest so he could hug you, “but I love you so much,” you cried, “I thought I was enough, I thought I was being a good girlfriend, I-I thought I was enough.”
Bucky sighed, “you’ll be enough for someone else, I needed more and I’m sorry.”
You paused for a moment, “that was rude,” you cried, “can you just lie to me now to make me feel better, at least?”
Bucky grew rigid, “leave it to you to pull that while we’re breaking up,” he gently moved you off of him, you looked up to see tears in his eyes; they were going away now from what you said.
You and Bucky stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. Your hands were still balling his sweater as the last tears rolled down your cheeks, you felt empty because he wasn’t wiping them away like he always did, he was just standing there, watching you cry.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “we’re done.”
Something inside you shifted, your eyes dried up and your nose began to scrunch. “I wish I had never met you,” you spoke slowly so he knew you meant it, “I wish I never met you so I wouldn’t have to go through this, I would have to feel so conflicted and stupid.” you stepped forward, “you wanted to become friends with me to get away from Steve-”
“And I thought you were cool.”
“-which makes me a pawn,” you walked past him, opening drawers and picking up your belongings, “I wish I had never met you because of the amount of…hurt I feel in my chest right now…” you took a deep breath, “the amount of anger, sadness, and mixed emotions,” you tried to catch your breath, “I really thought I was good, I really thought we had something here, and I get that it didn’t work…but I just feel really dumb.”
Bucky shook his head, “look, I’m sorry,” he said and it sounded like he meant it, “but there’s nothing we can do, this relationship was a landmine, just waiting to go off.”
“I wish I never met you,” you spat, feeling the anger rise again.
Bucky shook his head in disbelief, “if you never met me then I would still be at Hydra,” he said coldly, “if you had never met me then I wouldn’t have been saved, you really feel that way?” Bucky stood in front of the things you were trying to pack.
“There,” you whispered.
“What?” he tilted his head, upper lip twitching again.
“You did it again,” an evil smirk grew on your face, “I never said I wanted to leave you at Hydra, you know me well enough to know I’d never wish the pain of Hydra on anyone. But to make you look like the good guy you had to make me look like the villain,” you pushed past him to stack more shirts, “the fact that you would eventhinkI’d get some sick joy from the idea of leaving you at that Hydra facility makes me physically ill.” you leaned forward, punctuation your sentence.
“You are so infuriating,” Bucky spoke through clenched teeth.
“And you’re a piece of shit!” you screamed, “you’re a massive asshole who flips the truth and makes me look like the crazy girlfriend who wants her boyfriend to still be getting tortured!” tears collected in your eyes as you spoke, “I’m-” you gasped for air, “I’m notcrazy.”
Bucky stood there and nodded, “I never said you were,” he said softly.
“Fuck you,” you leaned in a pressed one finger to his chest, “you can keep the room, it’s closer to Steve anyway,” tears rolled down your cheeks as you walked past him, going to your drawers and picking up all your clothes.
“But this was originally your room,” Bucky turned and looked at you, “I can move out.”
“No,” you sniffled, “I’m moving out of this stupid compound.”
“You’re being dramatic,” Bucky scoffed, “you’re so dramatic.”
Your hands froze and you stood still, “Friday?” you asked, “turn on soundproofing.” after a click you looked at Bucky, “I am not dramatic,” you walked over to him, though the soundproofing was on you had not started to yell, “I’m being broken up with.”
“Are you going to scream at me?” he asked quietly but darkly.
“If I’m prompted,” you looked him up and down before walking back to your pile of clothes on the bed, you sorted through what was actually Bucky’s and what was yours. Once you had your clothes you went to the bathroom, Bucky followed and stood at the doorway, his arms crossed in front of him.
“Are you quitting?”
“No,” you shook your head, “I’m going to take a vacation, some time off, and then move back in when I feel I’m ready,” you tried your best to sound find but tears kept streaming down your face, it also didn’t help that Bucky could see you with the mirror. “I need some time to breathe and just time alone, I think.”
“Okay,” Bucky nodded and looked down, “your shaving cream is under the sink,” he said quietly when you looked like you were about to finish packing in the bathroom.
“Thanks,” you whispered as you leaned down, picking up the shaving cream and placing it into a bag with your other toiletries. “I’m going to go now,” you whispered and looked up at him, Bucky was also beginning to cry.
“I’m sorry,” his voice gave out on him, “I’ll always love you, just know that.”
You nodded, “if you ever need a cuddle buddy,” both of you smiled through tears in your eyes, “you can always count on me.”
Bucky sniffled and looked up at the ceiling, “fuck,” he whispered. Where he was standing in the doorway was blocking you from leaving, you stood ready to leave but he didn’t move. “I just can’t let you go,” he laughed through the tremendous pain, “I’m so fucking sorry, Y/N.”
“Me too,” your lips pursed together as you looked at him, a sob was about to erupt but you knew you could cry that hard around him, “me too…” you repeated and took a step forward but Bucky still didn’t move, “Bucky, I…” you looked up to see him staring at you deeply.
“What happened to you at Hydra?” he whispered, his hand coming up to cup your cheek, “how badly did they hurt you, baby?” the pet name was second nature to him and you saw his face shift when he realized what he had called you.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” you shook your head with a whisper, “it’s too much.”
“Alright,” he nodded and dropped his hand, “one last hug?” his arms open wide.
You shook your head and his face fell, “you called me dramatic, you called me insensitive, you twisted my words,” you shook your head and physically moved him so you could get through, “if I hug you I’m going to stay and believe there’s a way we can work this out, I’m so used to us fighting and not really making up; I’m not doing that again.” you placed the toiletry bag in the suitcase you had your clothes in, “I’ll fall back in love with you if I hug you again and I just can’t let you win.”
Another hit to Bucky sent tears to his eyes, “get out,” His voice shook.
You nodded and left, walking down the hallway and passing people who had no idea what you had just gone through, they smiled and waved and you did the same; hoping no one could see your red eyes and puffy face. You’d send an email tomorrow making up some random excuse for why you had to take some time off, even though you had a massive fight with Bucky doesn’t mean his name would get thrown around the compound.
It was late so hotels were letting people check in, you had not reserved a room because you didn’t know this would be the last night with Bucky. The end was near, he was right about the relationship being a land mine, both of you weren’t good for one another but it seemed neither of you could pull the shoot because of how much platonic love you offered to the other.
You checked in and wheeled your suitcase to the third floor, finding your room and using the key to unlock it. There was one large bed and a desk, you dropped your bag and flopped on the bed, already in clothes you’d sleep in. after getting under the sheet you curled into a ball, letting yourself freely cry. Your arms circled around yourself as you sobbed into the pillow, almost screaming a few times and you remembered your time with Bucky.
There were good parts, you’d gone on dates and watched movies together; typical boyfriend-girlfriend things. But you knew there were also bad parts like arguments and Bucky apologizing when he’d wake you up from a nightmare, which would always lead to a conversation in the morning which would lead to an argument.
Your arms held the firm pillow as you wept in it, trying to imagine Bucky’s chest under your cheek. You knew you could no longer think of him when you needed comfort, he offered help but you would never take it. You just wanted his touch and his love, you didn’t need anything else.
Maybe that was your issue, all you wanted was a rock or someone to lean on while Bucky wanted an actual relationship. Yes, you wanted a relationship with him but maybe your definitions were different and that was what lead you on this path. That would make it neither of your faults, but there was blame on both parties, it would be selfish of you to think it was all his fault.
Your phone buzzed and you were too quick to pick it up, Bucky had texted you.
Bucky: Hey, just making sure you’re safe at whatever hotel you’re at, I talked with Tony and there’s a room on the floor above our room, if you ever want to come back to the compound just know your room will be open and I’ll take the one in the floor above. Please don’t think you have to stay there all the time, please come back whenever and let me know so I can make sure to give you space. It’s gonna be awkward at the beginning but I know we both will be professional if we pass each other in the halls or get scheduled together for a mission, if I ever make you uncomfortable just tell me, I want to try and rekindle a friendship at some point because I still really care about you. You don’t need to answer all of this, just let me know you’re somewhere safe. Bucky.
You read the text over and over, every time you’d read it it would get hard with your eyes blurring from tears.
You: thank you, I’m safe at a hotel. Don’t know when I’ll come back. Thank you for everything, Bucky, thank you.
You dug your face in your pillow as you pressed send, crying uncontrollably until you heard the buzz that he had texted back.
Bucky: sweet dreams
As your eye fell heavy and your tears ran out you realized you only had one regret:
You should have kicked him out instead of leaving.
The blue light from the screen burned your eyes, there was crust forming around your lashes and in your tear ducts. Your back was bent forward at an ungodly angle, it cracked whenever you sat up straight to take a second to breathe. There was typing and clicking all around the room, Steve and Sam were muttering a conversation out of courtesy for everyone else typing.
You, Steve, and Sam were all working on the same thing, you were writing a mission. Steve had come to you and Sam privately to plan and execute a mission, he had gotten the green light from his superior but wanted to keep the mission a secret. You three were going to break Bucky out from a Hydra base.
You’d never met the Winter Soldier before, he had never crossed paths with your work. After Steve approached you saying he found where he was you felt as though needed to tag on, the relief but fear in Steve’s face convinced you this was a big deal to him.
It was weird, you had never run into Bucky but both of you were taken captive by Hydra at some point. Two years ago you were outnumbered and decided to surrender yourself instead of taking a bullet between the eyes, the Hydra agents threw you into a cell and beat you bloody for information that you never gave. Now, you didn’t have control over your powers, lightning shot out of you randomly and when you’d touch an energy source you’d burn it out. They found it interesting but they didn’t know how to control it either, half the time you’d burn their breaker box and leave them without light for a few days.
Now you could control it, creating energy at the snap of a finger. You liked lightning the best, it was easy and seemed to kill most of your enemies. On top of that, you could also control the environment, you still knew how to fry an energy source to an entire building but now with more control.
You still had scars from your time at Hydra, most of the slashes healed but you’d wake up from nightmares the odd time. No matter who Hydra held captive, they branded them. A skull with tentacles was held under a flame until the metal turned red, then it would be shoved anywhere visible on your body. Yours was on the side of your thigh from curling up in the corner and trying to cover as much as possible.
After that, you stuck to breaking down trafficking circles or smaller organized crime. You never wanted to run the risk of dealing with those people again, and it seemed cartels and trafficking strip clubs weren’t being taken care of. Steve came to you for your knowledge of Hydra and how they keep their prisoners, he gave you multiple chances to take breaks or leave if it got too much.
“I think that’s all we can do,” Steve stood up, two empty mugs in his hands. You and Sam nodded, Steve sighed and rolled out the kink in his neck, “just prepare yourself for something to go wrong, that is always with Hydra. I know we’ve been planning and all that but Hydra likes to screw with us, get ready for it.” Steve looked between the two of you before walking out, taking the rest of the mugs from beside you.
“I’m calling it in as well,” Sam stood up and cracked his back, with one loud pop he groaned and almost fell over, “you should too, out of all of us you need the sleep.”
“I know,” you shrugged as Sam patted your shoulder.
After Sam left you were left in the computer room alone with your thoughts. It was four in the morning and you’d be taking off at seven, the planning didn’t mean to take this long. You stood as well after shutting down the computer, the overhead lights were off and after the blue light from the computer went out you were left in the dark. With a sore back, you slowly walked to your room, one arm supporting you against the wall as you walked.
Flopping back onto your bed you threw one arm under your pillow, looking at the ceiling and picturing everything that could go wrong during the mission. You knew there was a risk of you getting captured again, that was the one risk that scared you. If they saw your branding symbol you knew they would pull all the past documents about you and continue to try and harvest your powers. You could control them now and that meant they might be able to control them as well.
The dawn came faster than expected, you could feel the sun creeping into your room but got up before you let it hit your face. Your suit was dark blue, some argued navy, and was made by Banner to store energy better. You didn’t know much of the science behind it, all you knew was that it looked cool in action and you felt like a badass.
Your combat boots clomped as you walked out on the grass and to the jet, little spikes on the bottom of your shoes crushing a few dandelions on the way over. It was a spring morning, you could smell the dew the second you walked outside. Steve and Sam were already there, Sam was trying to lighten the mood but Steve wasn’t having it, he stood there and fiddled with his shield. You all walked in and waited for a debrief from Rogers, Sam gave you a couple of looks to not joke around with Steve.
“I will go get Bucky,” Steve finished his speech off, “he might become hostile towards you guys, he might know me so I have to be the one.”
“Copy,” you nodded.
It seemed like your thinking was a blur until you were stationed outside of the building, your mind was so focused on not getting captured again you barely heard anything coming through your coms. All three of you entered at the same time, guns pointed and ready in front of you. You heard gunshots from around the corner, you sprinted over to find Steve and Sam fighting off many Hydra agents.
“Glad you’ve joined the party!” Sam yelled, expanding his wings to knock out two agents at once.
“I’m fashionably late!” you called back and began fighting, lighting hopped around your suit to show it was filled with energy to use.
Anyone who touched you got electrocuted, their hair stood up and a black burn would show up on their face. It didn’t take much to knock someone out, you’d typically have to shock them again with your energy to kill them.
The agents poured in from every angle, you moved from fighting one person to four in a matter of seconds. With your com in your ear and your team in the same hallway, you could hear them struggling.
“Shit!” you felt a knife slip down your arm and your thigh, one fluid motion cutting you deeply.
“We need a different plan!” Sam yelled.
“I’m gonna count down from three and when I say ‘now’ you have to jump and not touch anyone, got it?” You screamed over the gunfire and grunts, the one thing Hydra agents couldn’t do was aim.
“We’ve barely practiced this!” Steve shouted.
“Do you want Bucky or not?” after yelling back Steve didn’t respond, “three, two, one, now!” at the signal your fists slammed hard against the ground, a ripple of lightning ran through every agent who was on the ground, they all froze at the same time. You pushed out all that was left, screaming as the flashes of your time at Hydra painted your mind. The amount of energy running through them left the agents twitching for seven seconds; enough to kill them.
It was dead silent after you stopped, no one was groaning or slowly trying to get up. When you got to your feet you saw Steve cradled in Sam’s arms as Sam suspended in the air, a look of shock between the two of them. Sam slowly moved to the ground, Steve latched his shield to his back and couldn’t close his mouth.
Before Sam could say anything he got an alert from his wrist, “Redwing spotted some people running with paperwork, we gotta go get them.”
“I’ll-” you were cut off.
“Go get Bucky,” Steve walked over, “I’ll take the runaways.”
“But Bucky is your friend,” you looked at Sam to see the same confused reaction.
“And Hydra is your enemy,” Steve patted your shoulder, “you should be the one, plus,” he cracked a smile, “you’ve already shown off too much.”
“But Steve-”
“Go,” he cut you off again, “I’ll meet you at the jet.”
After looking in a few pockets you found some keys, they looked important. You just nodded before running back to the way you came in, there was a little door off to the side you hadn’t seen before. Slowly, your hand opened the door. Right before you were about to close it you heard a scream. A guttural and heartbreaking scream, the kind of scream you physically cringe at, it was painful, which only meant it belonged to Bucky.
You ran down the corridor, there were twists and turns but you didn’t stop. You used the blood coming from your wound to mark your path, giving you a good chance of getting out. There were empty cells everywhere, no one was around at all. The further you got into the hallways to louder the scream began, on the last turn you heard it loud and clear.
Right at the very end of the hallway, on the right housed the Winter Soldier. He was curled in the corner with his hands over his ears, screaming as loud as he could. You couldn’t see his left arm, it was being shielded by his body.
“I found Bucky,” you spoke into your com, your voice taking him out of his trance.
The man whipped his head around, a pure look of horror on his face. He quickly began sputtering apologies, “I didn’t do anything, I’ve been here, I don’t- I didn’t do anything!” tears rushed down his face, “I swear I’ll be good, please, please, I’ll be good!”
You crouched down to his level, your hand stuck through the small openings between the poles on his cell door. “I don’t work for Hydra,” you whispered, he still looked confused, “I’m here with my friends and someone you know to get you out of here,” you smiled and kept your hand out, “Bucky, your friend Steve is here.”
“Steve?” he immediately sat up, “Steve?” he said again with more hope. You nodded quickly, with a slow hand you pulled the keys out. The sound of the door unlocking seemed to frighten Bucky a bit but you eased him back down, slowly pulling the door open. Your hand was out again, this time with easier access for him to grab.
“Is this a test?” he pushed himself further into the wall, “I don’t want to get wiped again, I promise I don’t know anything,” his voice was shaking.
“I’m here to help you,” your hand got closer to him.
He stood up on his own, fully facing you. His left shoulder was riddled with scars and the open wounds were dripping pus and blood, they must have reopened and gotten infected. Bucky seemed to be coward on his left side, trying to hide it. You just waved him to walk out, finding your blood trail again and slowly making your way out of the twisted hallways. One arm would reach back to push Bucky in the center of your back, he was also crouching like you were. Your gun was out in front, whipping around the corner just in case.
“I’ve secured Bucky, we’re heading out now,” you spoke strongly but quietly into your com.
“Don’t take the way you went in, there are tons of bodies and that will trigger him,” Steve answered, “take a left immediately after leaving the cell hallway and then take two rights and you’re out.”
“Copy,” you looked down at the trail and took your final turn, “Falcon, where are you?”
“I’m clearing the walkout, take your time because they seem to keep popping up out of nowhere,” Sam grunted, “most of them are down but there are still bodies out here, make sure he closes his eyes-”
“Don’t do that!” Steve yelled, “make sure he has all his senses.”
“Copy and copy,” you took a left instead of a right, the existing door was a few steps away. Bucky was still behind you, he seemed to move to stealth move as well, when you turned to talk to him he was watching your back, walking backwards with his left arm ready. “Hey, Bucky,” you whispered.
He turned around, “what?” his head kept whipping over his shoulder.
“We’re going to talk outside, there are bodies out there but we’re taking you to the jet and we’re taking you to our home, alright?” your hand was on the door handle and after he nodded you opened it.
The light poured in as you walked out, you managed a few steps before turning around and seeing Bucky standing there. He was shoeless and shirtless, his pants were ripped into shorts so most of his body was exposed. The spring sun reflected off his body and arm, he was taking a moment and letting the rays absorb into his skin. His eyes were squinty as well, most missions for him were done at night and his cell wasn’t lit up. when he started walking again one hand curved with his forehead to help him see, every time you’d look back he was looking around with barely open eyes.
Hydra agents were rolling around on the ground, groaning in pain. Some were dead, blood staining the green grass. Once you were at the jet you couldn’t see any bodies, just the shadow of Bucky behind you.
“I’m at the jet,” you helped him walk up the ramp, “I’m bringing him in.”
Bucky stood timidly at the bottom of the ramp, his arms crossed tightly around himself to soothe him. His eyes were scanning around, leaning in ever so slightly to try and see everything in the jet. A loud bang sent him pacing back a few steps, whipping his head to his left and seeing Steve and Sam run over. You walked back down the ramp and waved them over, sneaking a few glances at Bucky.
Steve stood there and caught his breath as he looked at Bucky, “you remember me?” Steve asked, clenching his jaw.
Bucky’s eyebrows pulled tight, his bottom lip was being gnawed on. “Um,” his voice cracked, “yeah,” he whispered, “I- I saw you on the bridge, right?” Bucky slowly looked at Sam, “and you were there,” both of them began to nod, “and after I said I remembered you, I knew you.”
“You do know me,” Steve smiled.
“And then they tried to wipe me but I don’t think it worked,” Bucky looked over at you, “I played it off like I had forgotten everything but nothing had changed, I don’t know why but I do know Steve.”
Sam crossed his arms, “you’ve never met Y/N but she was once captured by Hydra, we brought her-”
“We don’t need to get all into that,” you quickly cut him off and walked everyone onto the jet.
You took a seat and found a first aid kit, taking some gauze and making sure the cuts on your arm and leg were healing properly. As you tended to your wounds you heard Sam and Steve sit, Steve sat in the piolet seat and Sam sat across from you. Your head was down as you pushed on the gauze, sometimes closing your eyes at the sting.
“Take a seat, Buck,” Steve said.
You looked up to see Bucky standing by the end of the jet, his arms still crossed in front of his chest. Bucky slowly nodded and took the seat beside you, you could feel the warmth radiating off of him. Your cut was on the arm closest to him so you could see him staring at you through the corner of your eye, part of you wanted to look up but the other part was thinking he might get embarrassed. When you moved to your leg to reassess but you still felt his gaze, very slowly you looked up at him.
“Sorry,” he whispered and looked down at his hands, “I just-…sorry.”
“Do you want me to clean out the scars on your arm?” You pointed to his left arm, the one closest to you. “They look infected and I’m going to guess it hurts?”
Bucky shrugged, “nothing really hurts anymore,” his right hand came up and gently pressed against his left scarring, you could see him wince but you knew he was trying to cover it.
“Hey,” you gently removed his right hand and held up a water bottle with a squirt top, “just water, won’t sting.” you held it up and aimed it down, after seeing him nod you began pressing on the water bottle and letting a stream of water flush out his scars. He didn’t seem to mind it, there wasn’t a reaction. After the water washed most of the gunk out you pulled out a small square packet, tared it open and gently pulled out a wipe. “So this is a little disinfectant wipe,” you opened the sheet, “can I wipe your arm?”
Bucky looked at it for a second, by now the scent of alcohol must have burned his nose as it did yours. He flinched back for a second before leaning back in, holding his hand out. “I’ll do it,” he took the sheet from your hand and began wiping around the scars, patting it on the deeper part to make it sting less.
“Great job,” you nodded, quickly checking back on your cuts which were fine. You look up to see him holding out the wipe to you, silently asking you to take it. “Thanks,” you took it back and threw it in the trash, along with other used wrappers and gloves that you had used.
It was silent after that, all four of you sat comfortably as the jet got closer to the compound. Steve flew the entire time, checking over his shoulder once and a while to smile at Bucky or give him a little reassurance. You stayed where you were the entire time, for the bulk of the time you were picking the fried edges of your suit. You’d never done that long shock before, you normally don’t hold the lightning for more than three seconds so seven seconds did a number on your suit. It also did a number on your energy, a few times your eyelids closed for a moment but a moment turned into ten minutes.
At one point your head lulled to the side and touched Bucky’s metal shoulder, he jerked back three seats and cupped his shoulder with his right hand. You quickly woke up and offered apologies, “I can’t believe I just did that, I’m so sorry, I’m just really tired and I probably freaked you out, I’m so sorry.”
Bucky scooted back to beside you, his eyes looking at the ground and sometimes at you. “It’s okay,” he muttered for only you to hear, “thank you for apologizing.”
You just tilted your head over, a sad look on your face, “of course.”
********
For around two weeks Bucky stayed in his room, only allowing Steve to go in and talk or bring food. One day Bucky came running out of his room, screaming for Steve. You were sitting in the common room and Steve had met him halfway in the kitchen, earshot from you.
Bucky had tears streaming down his face, his hands pulled Steve in for a hug. Steve stood in shock for a moment before hugging Bucky back, his own tears gathering.
“Coney Island,” Bucky cried, “Dalorise, my sister Rebecca, my mom Winnie, your mom Sarah,” Bucky jumped up and down, “the Howling Commandos, don’t do anything stupid until I get back!” Bucky wiped his tears but they were quickly replaced.
Steve was in shock, a good kind of shock, “how can I?” Steve’s voice was thick with tears, “you’re taking all the- I can’t, just hug me again.” Steve wrapped Bucky up and the two grown men cried together in the kitchen.
You just sat there from the couch and watched them sway back and forth, you could tell they were talking but you couldn’t hear anymore. Your book rested open on your chest to mark the page, the mug of tea beside you slowly lost its steam. You just sat there and watched them, a long-lost friendship starting to make its way back.
After that Bucky stayed in his room for a few more days, but he was changing now. Steve was also changing, his topic of conversation always flowed back to Bucky. Sometimes you were just making lunch and Steve would walk in and start talking as if you asked how the two of them were doing, at one point you put headphones in and Steve kept talking.
It was difficult to see a friend slowly start to drift, you no longer sparred with Steve. You had been kicked to the punching bag while Bucky and Steve play fought each other, laughing as they talked about the past. You were stuck at a crossroad, part of you missed your friend but the other part knew that this was what Steve was looking for all this time, he needed a moment to just breathe in the happiness of finally getting Bucky back.
You were currently kneeling by the coffee table, a puzzle had been started and a sticky note was left next to it asking for anyone and everyone to try and help put it together. Your hair was pulled back so you could see all the pieces, puzzles weren’t your best skill but you still enjoyed taking part. With a soft gasp, you placed the final edge piece together, there was now a border to work with.
“That’s smart,” a voice came from above. You looked up to see Bucky standing at the other end of the coffee table, “I took a shot at this a while ago and had convinced myself that no pieces worked,” he cracked a smile, it looked forced.
You just nodded and picked up another piece, connecting it to an open slot. “I just always did it this way,” you snapped another piece and then looked up to see Bucky had kneeled.
Bucky managed to put a few pieces together, he had a habit of scratching his stubble before letting out a little sound of him being stumped. “Hey, um,” he started talking but quickly stopped to let out a cough, “I…I never got a chance to thank you for that mission,” he clenched his jaw, “and for cleaning out my arm, it’s still red but getting all the stuff out made it heal faster, so…thank you.” Bucky smiled but this time it looked real, which meant it wasn’t as expressive.
“No worries,” you sighed, snapping another two pieces together, “I hope you’re liking it here, I bet Steve’s been a real help.” there was no sarcasm to your tone.
“Yeah,” Bucky sucked a breath in, “he’s been really great but I feel like he’s keeping me tucked away, y’know?” Bucky reached out and connected another piece, “I really want to get to know some other people, like you.” he quickly added.
“Why me?” you looked up and rested your chin on your hand.
“Because,” Bucky laughed.
You just shook your head, “great answer,” this time the sarcasm was obnoxious.
“Alright,” Bucky rolled his eyes, “because I think you’re very cool and I talked with that birdman,” he paused to let you laugh, leaning back and clutching your stomach as you cackled, “and Sam said you were really nice and that if I ever wanted to talk about Hydra I can go to you.”
You sucked in a breath when he brought up Hydra, “well, thank you for that,” you pulled your lips into a thin line, “and I’m always open to listen but there are some things with Hydra that I don’t want to talk about.”
“Me too,” Bucky nodded, “but just the overall stuff, like the nightmares.”
“The nightmares,” you repeated back, “I used to go cuddle with Natasha after a nightmare but she’s with her family right now.”
Bucky’s eyebrows raised but he caught himself and lowered them, “well, um, do you want to make a mutual…cuddle agreement?” Bucky thought through what he was saying, his face getting red by the end of his proposal.
“Mutal cuddle agreement?” You laughed as you repeated, “I mean, what’s the harm?”
“That’s what I was thinking,” Bucky smiled.
“You’ve been thinking about cuddling with me?” a smirk grows on your lips as Bucky freezes, his hand that was reached out to grab a piece was now frozen. He stayed like that for a couple of seconds, “I was kidding-” the words died down as Bucky stands up quickly, you can see shame written all over his face. “Bucky,” you stood up as well, “I’d love to agree to the cuddle thing, what’s going on?” You walked around the coffee table but after a few steps, Bucky began walking away.
“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” he muttered right as he was rounding the corner.
“No,” you jogged a few steps and managed to stand in front of him, “Bucky, I was just joking around, I’m sorry, really, I really am,” he had stopped walking by now, his eyes slowly moving up your body.
“You’re not…uncomfortable?” Bucky looked over his shoulder and down the hall, making sure no one was around.
“I would love a new cuddle buddy,” you held your hand out, “and I’m sorry I made that joke, I wasn’t thinking about how you’d react and that’s on me.”
His eyes stayed fixed on your hand, your palm facing up. It looked like he didn’t know what to do, or how to connect his hand to yours. Slowly, his hand found its way to yours, his palm sliding against yours. He smiled through the handshake, his eyes gleaming at the human contact.
Bucky slowly back away, a smile beginning to reach his eyes. “Okay,” he breathed a sigh of relief, “we’re buddies.”
Before he was fully gone you called his name, “Bucky!” he whipped around, “I have one rule though and I’m serious,” he came walking back, the smile slowly disappearing. “Before you come into my bed you need to wake me up and tell me you’re Bucky, I’ll do the same for you. I need to know who’s in my room or I…” you sucked in a breath, “I’ll…”
“I understand,” Bucky nodded, “I’ll announce myself clearly for you, alright? No sneaking.”
“No sneaking,” you smiled and watched as he walked away.
A small laugh erupted from your lip when you saw him pump his fist in the air, probably thinking you had left the hallway as well, there was a little skip he did before turning the corner. When you made it back to the puzzle you couldn’t focus on it anymore, you could only feel his hand in yours.
********
Ever since then you and Bucky came into contact more often than before. He was adjusting well to the compound, though some agents weren’t fond of his presence Bucky didn’t care. It had been around a month since he moved in, two weeks since the proposition to be cuddle buddies.
You didn’t get nightmares too often and when Nat was home you got them a lot but there were fewer things to trigger you these days. Part of you felt bad you couldn’t fulfill your promise to snuggle with the broody man but at the same time, he didn’t come into your room either. Bucky had told you the cream he was putting on his scarring had some hormone in it that knocked him out every night, he slept with his shirt off and the smell seemed to lull him to sleep. Both of you were happy you did need each other help because that meant you weren’t having nightmares. But you kept going with the ‘buddy’ aspect of the deal.
In the gym, you’d go over and say hello, most of the time finding him to be your spotter because you didn’t know anyone else. Later he started to ask you to spot for him and teach a few of your sparring moves, this led to him finding out about your powers. He was winning but when you’d punch him back you’d shock him as if you had rubbed sock-covered feet on the carpet for a while and then touched him, to say he was confused was an understatement. In the end, you showed him the sparks and the lightning, using little to no power for safety reasons.
“That’s sick,” he said and reached up to touch your hand, “can you zap people and see their skeleton, like in the cartoons?” he was in awe as he asked.
You just laughed a shook your head, “no, I can’t go that far, I’ve never tried.”
Bucky covered his mouth with a laugh again, “I see something new every day with this place and I’m not mad,” he just sat and watched you play with the energy, sending it back and forth or moving it around your body.
That gym friendship moved out of the weight room. After a workout, you asked him to come to the city but he said no, that was too busy for him. So you went out and got the protein shakes yourself, finding him at the coffee table with a new puzzle waiting for you. The shakes were a treat, they were expensive so you didn’t get them after every workout like other agents. Protein shakes turned into questions about different eras, those questions turned into movie marathons on your days off.
This was when the cuddling began, all the blankets were getting washed because Sam spilled his coffee somehow across all of them. You and Bucky were working through old westerns, it was your third movie and the lack of blankets caused you to shiver. Bucky picked up on it and tapped the spot beside him, you moved closer and soon your head was against this chest and his right arm was around your shoulder. When the movies got redundant and the music was the same Bucky slowly started to slouch down the couch, pulling you down with him. Both arms were pulling you into his side, there was no way you could get out on your own. When you heard snoring coming from above you, it didn’t take long for you to fall asleep as well, pushing your head right into his neck to smell his body wash.
A few team members walked and snapped photos of the two of you, getting ugly angles on Bucky with his head back and his mouth slightly open. When you woke up the next day still on the couch Bucky was bright red, trying to slide away so he could run to his room. The lack of sleep you’d been getting made you crave more of his comfort, so as he tried to move away you stayed hugging him.
“Comfy…” you slurred as your head moved down to his chest, your hand locking together.
“We gotta get up,” his voice was shaky, he hadn’t been this close to a girl in years.
“No,” you whined like a child, nuzzling your face deeper into his chest.
A little while later Steve walked in, you could see him but you heard him freeze. “What are you doing?” he asked Bucky.
“We fell asleep, she’s real tired so…I’m letting her get some shut-eye,” Bucky’s hand made its way to your back and soothed you closer to sleep.
“I-I didn’t know you guys were close,” Steve’s voice had little to no emotion.
“Well,” Bucky sighed, “I just told her I wanted to get to know her better, and here we are.”
********
Your eyes were hardly open as you stood on the landing pad, the Jet was getting packed. A large jacket was thrown over your shoulders as you waited in the drizzle. The sun wasn’t up yet and neither were you, part of you was still lying in bed.
It was an emergency solo mission, there was a breakthrough in a case you thought ended months ago. It had nothing to do with Hydra, it was a trafficking circle that went underground after almost getting caught by you. Most of the women involved were teenagers, all of them just wanting to attend a normal university. You’d run into him once before, this trafficking ring played cat and mouse all the time. You had walked into his strip club and sat down near him, after a while, he came over. He knew who you were and visa versa, but the two of you just talked about the strip club and the expensive lights he had just installed. As you got up to leave he commented on you being the perfect person for a stripper, you wanted to make sure he knew you weren’t messing around, so when you walked out and found the main console for all the lights, all it took was one touch and the entire room went dark. The console smoked for a while, your electricity frying all the hardware.
An agent gave you a nod, you began walking towards the ramp to walk up the jet but were stopped when you heard your name.
“Wait up!” the familiar voice called. You turned to see Bucky running up to you, “here, take this coffee.”
You slowly grabbed the travel mug, “it’s four in the morning, why are you up?”
“Something didn’t feel right so I went to check on you and you weren’t there,” Bucky panted, he had obviously been running for a while, “and I found an agent and they said you were leaving and I know you don’t like mornings so I made you a coffee.”
“Let’s go!” the pilot yelled.
“Thank you,” you ignored the interruption, “I really appreciate it.”
“Ya, it’s nothing” Bucky shrugged, “- I mean, I was something, like, I’m happy you have coffee but I’d do it all the time for you,” he quickly backtracked.
“You’re sweet,” you whispered before leaning up and leaving a kiss on his cheek. When you pulled away he was frozen but his face progressively got more red, and his ears were burning. “I’ll see you soon,” you turned and walked away.
“Ya…” was all he could breathe out, the shock still etched in his face.
As the jet took off you looked out the window to see Bucky still standing on the landing pad, you could see his blush from the air. His eyes looked forward as his left hand caressed his cheek where you had kissed it, a small bounce coming from him before running back inside.
********
The mission was quick, the trafficking ring had no idea you were coming so your ambush was quick and easy. The authorities were also thereafter you gave them a tip, you helped all the women get to women’s shelters after getting medical treatment.
“Let me see him,” you talked to the head office, he let you into the interrogation room.
Jacob ‘Scar’ Clowne was the owner of one of the biggest strip clubs in the city, they advertised their young women who were actually trafficked into the business. When you saw him sitting on the other side of the table he smiled at you, you had been chasing him for a long time.
“You finally caught me,” he smirked, “I’m proud.”
You didn’t even sit down, “I don’t need any congratulations,” you crossed your arms as you circled him, “I just needed to see you and know for sure that you were really locked up.”
“Well you see me,” Jacob said.
“Then my job here is done,” you reached out a pressed your palm to his shoulder, sending a shock through his entire body, not strong enough to kill or even hurt him; just wanting to throw him off.
********
But while your mission went great, Bucky was struggling back at the compound. Steve kept asking about your and his relationship and what it was, Bucky confessed to Steve that he liked you.
“I don’t know,” Bucky sighed, “I just want to be near here all the time, she makes me feel…soft,” Bucky giggled as he stared into space, “I miss her though.” Steve crossed his arms, “she’ll be back soon.”
Bucky’s nightmares were getting worse, he’d wake up in a cold sweat at the tail end of a scream. He’d walk into your room and announce himself but no one was there, the sleepiness would fade and he’d remember you were gone. To try and keep himself from breaking down because he was without you he’d lay in your bed, cuddle up to your pillows and try and remember what it was like for you to be cuddled next to him.
*******
The jet landed in the middle of the night and you slowly got out, making your way through Med Bay to get cleared and then to your bed. Your eyelids were closing as you walked, leaning against the wall to keep you upright.
Your room was still and quiet when you walked in, you could tell from the way your bed wasn’t made Bucky had been sleeping in your bed; you’d ask him about it tomorrow. Part of you wanted to wake him up and tell him you were home but the other half was too tired. Will the little energy you had left, you took a quick shower to wash off all the dirt and grime; saving you from changing your bedsheets tomorrow.
A lazy smile grew on your face when you stretched out on your bed, feeling the soft sheets hug your body. A few moans of relief left your lips as you curled into a ball, savouring the feeling of this comfort. Sleep came quickly as well, your exhaustion taking over very quickly.
When you woke up it was not the morning, it was still the nighttime. It didn’t take you long to register a weight behind you, your tiredness went away and you were back in mission mode.
“What the-” the voice spoke as you spun around with a ball of energy in your fist, you had pulled it back and were ready to land the punch, “it’s Bucky!” he said quickly.
The power slowly died down and you lean over to turn on the lap, causing it to shine really bright for a few seconds before going back to normal. Bucky also looked tired, he was laying on his back with both hands in a surrendering position.
At this point you were fully exhausted, tears gathered in your eyes, “Bucky…” you sighed as you leaned forward, letting your head fall on his chest, both of his arms wrapped around you, “I told you to tell me you were laying with me.” the tear rolled onto his chest, all you wanted was to sleep.
“You wouldn’t wake up,” Bucky said sadly, “I tried to move you awake but you were out like a light, I thought you wouldn’t notice me because of how deeply you were sleeping.” His hand quickly brushed away another tear that had fallen.
“Oh,” you sighed and turned the lamp off, still laying on his chest.
“Oh,” he repeated, “we haven’t had a chance to cuddle like this before,” Bucky smiled as you curled around him, needing comfort.
“Yeah,” you smiled, “the whole ‘cuddle buddy’ thing didn’t really work out,” you laughed through the last tears of exhaustion.
“Well, I asked you to be my cuddle buddy because I wanted to get away from Steve, he was circling me all the time and I wanted some new friends,” Bucky’s hand rubbed your back, lulling you further into sleep.
“He just cares about you,” you muttered.
“I know,” Bucky was much more awake than you, “but I also wanted to be my own person and live my own life, Steve helped me get adjusted but you…” he paused and took a deep breath, “you were cool and I wanted to be like you, a badass superhero who owns a room when you walk in.”
“Bucky,” you began to act coy, a different set of tears collecting
“I’m serious,” he pushed your head so you were looking at him, “you’re the coolest, smartest, prettiest, smartest person I’ve ever met.” his bottom lip pouted out, “don’t cry,” he whispered.
“You said smartest twice,” you smiled and rubbed his stubble.
“I know,” he smirked, “but I want to say prettiest more often…if you’ll let me.”
“What do you mean?” you sat up a bit.
“We’ll talk in the morning,” Bucky giggled and pushed you down so you were laying on him, “but right now you need your beauty sleep- but that’s just called sleep for you.”
