#witchy humor

normal-horoscopes:

ruby-white-rabbit:

mikkeneko:

oldsongrenewed:

forgotaboutdrea:

rnyfh:

in this house we stan dionysus!

#Hermes: he’s dead Dionysus you don’t actually have to do this #Dionysus [polishing his giant wooden dildo]: I made a PROMISE (x)

This is the also the myth of the creation of the dildo. And in some versions of the myth, Prosymnus’ soul was so overjoyed, that he was transferred to Elysium. That’s right, Dionysus rode Prosymnus’ pseudo-dick so good that he was moved to the Blessed AfterlifeTM

dionysus: can’t believe prosymnus died before I could keep my promise to let him bone me
the nymphs: you don’t have to, you know
dionysus, oiling up the world’s first dildo: no I’m gonna

Prosymnus’ soul literally ascended

Dionysus:What do you desire as payment brave psychopomp? I will give anything in my power as a god. How about a lyre that plays itself? Or a font of endless wine?

Prosymnus, who has been sweating with barely contained horny for the entire boat ride: 

stormwaterwitch:

Spell Ingredients:

~The Tablet Pen you lost a week ago

~Nearly Sipped Paint Water

~That Shirt you wore to a Color Run

~The Baby Powder Scented Crayon

~The lost cap from your Crayola fruity scented markers

~The Pencil Box from when you were in Elementary School

~A Piece of Chalk

Ritual Steps:

~On the night of the Next Full Moon, put all ingredients EXCEPT YOUR COLOR RUN TEESHIRT AND CHALK into Pencil Box.

~Throw Pencil Box at the wall  while Chanting the Following:
“TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR
WHY IS ART SO FUCKING HARD”

~Open the box and dump contents onto the Color Run Teeshirt on the floor

~Read the jumbled mess as Runes

~Eat the Chalk as a snack if you get hungry

Screaming at “why is art so fucking hard”

wake up babes full worm moon drops tonight~

cannibalcoalition:

You will need: a room and yourself.

Directions:

• Go sit in a corner
  
• Think about what you’ve done. 

30000-bees-in-a-pointed-hat:

Am I the only one who gets accused of being a witch IRL by people who don’t know I actually am? Like not in a bad way but they’ll be like “haha what are you a witch?” or “I swear you’re a witch” and I’m just like 

‘ they know’ ‘no they don’t know’ ‘they can’t know’ ‘should I tell them?’ ‘ no I can’t tell them’ ‘but maybe they already know’ 

anyone else just feeling really fucking lonely lately… no? just me? …… ok

witchalmanac:

witchella:

witchella:

witchella:

Gonna write a witchcraft book titled “Another Book on Witchcraft: Everybody’s Doing It and I Want to Feel Included”

The dedication reads: “To all those people who felt like basic stuff needs to be repeated in different ways a thousand million times. I hope I make half as much cash off this as you have. Where would we all be without seventeen separate “Wicca for Beginners” books on our shelves? Living? Fuck that.“

Chapters:

Chapter 1: This Chapter has No Real Value Unless You Want to Know My Life Story, which, Let’s Be Real, You Don’t

Chapter 2: For Some Reason I Feel the Need to Justify this To Someone Who’s Already Literally Bought In

Chapter 3: Oh, Did You Want Actual Material? Here it is… Psyche! ANOTHER Introduction with a Far Too Personal Anecdote

Chapter 4: Vague Gesticulations as to Why I Think Magic Is Real feat. Shitty Metaphysics that Would Make Even Descartes Roll in His Grave

Chapter 5: Candle Magic, Because It’s Basic As Shit and the Only Magic I’m Actually Good At

Chapter 6: Did Someone Say, “Sixth Grade Understanding of Classical Mythological Figures?”

Chapter 7: The Turning of the Wheel: Time’s a Bitch and Took My Youth, Here’s Another Personal Anecdote About It

Chapter 8: We’re the Victims Here: My Pisspoor Understanding of the History of Witchcraft that I Take As Fact

Chapter 9: It’s Not Cultural Appropriation!!!!! Okay??!!??!

Chapter 10: Incomplete Charts. We Got… Colors… We Got… Moons… Here’s Some… Gendered Days of the Week…

Chapter 11: How to Craft Spells with No Skills In Poetry at a Mere $500 a Pop! You’re Welcome! Buy My T-shirt!

Chapter 12: Advanced Magikck: Fuck Some Ghosts or Some Shit

Chapter 13: Fuck I Forgot the Tarot and How to Swing a Pendulum

Chapter 14: Rituals and Circle-Casting: In Which I Deny Satan’s Existence but Put the Fear of Him in You Anyway

Chapter 15: A Personal Anecdote to Illustrate That I Am a Far More Skilled Witch Than You

LOL!!! I almost spit out my coffee when I read this it is so funny. I have about a dozen books like this on my shelves.

makoredeyes:

wiredandrewired:

flospejgj:

toadst0ne:

by ‘holly sweet’ on redbubble

five feet apart cus theyre not gay

oh my god they were roommates 

i wont hesitate, bitch

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU

its wednesday my dudes

(no associated catchphrase)

a potato flew around my room

i have the power of god AND anime on my side

MY POOP IS COMING

~got a red dress on tonight, dancing in the dark in the pale moonlight~

(no associated catchphrase)

(’take on me’ opening notes)

(no associated catchphrase)

LMAO TAKE MY MONEY

@wireslide

@slavetomyheadcanon

prokopetz:

yadelah:

damnsmartblueboxes:

prokopetz:

*consults the cards to find what the coming year holds*

*draws the Seven of Swords, the Jack of Diamonds, Miss a Turn, a bus pass, and an inverted foil Pikachu*

Too many ideas too little time, yet steady the work goes, lost opportunities, well tread paths, a distinct lack of energy. 

Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming

Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running

Didn’t make sense not to live for fun

Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

So much to do, so much to see

So what’s wrong with taking the back streets?

You’ll never know if you don’t go

You’ll never shine if you don’t glow

Son of a

davidlieberman:

prophecy class cancelled due to foreseen circumstances

linklings:

pangur-and-grim:

godtsol:

that’s a man

The hermit …………

@cryptidsandprettythings

hobgoblinhero:

plasmalogical:

brawltogethernow:

talesfromweirdland:

…Rider-Waite tarot but this dude walks in front of every single scene and tells you what to think of it like he’s a Twilight Zonenarrator.

hercule poirot tarot set

Hercule Tairot

glitchingwolf:

Best way to banish a spirit: Throwing salt while yelling “does this look like a goddamn hotel to you?!”

exception-witch-proves-the-rule:

graffiti at the bus stop: “fuck your god”

my pagan ass: are…are these instructions?

elsaswitch:

me: *drops phone* *phone smashes*

me: it’s because i left my luck pendant upstairs, isn’t it

owlwomantarot:

lilliumlithiumwitch:

Witchcraft in theory: houses and cabins smelling of herbs and smoke, black cats, gothic fashion, pentagrams and summoning demons, ancient looking tarot cards

Witchcraft in reality:“SIR THAT IS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ROCK”

“PLEASE PUT IT DOWN”