#anorexianervosa
This was a year ago today. The portrait of Ted (Staffordshire bull terrier) was drawn while I was in day service at Evolve, Hull, for Bulimia Nervosa.
A lot has happened in a year, I am not out of the woods just yet but the progress I’ve made has resulted in my discharge from Evolve and awaiting Psychotherapy.
I want to thank everyone who has supported me and put up with Irrational Bekah over the past several years. And thank you to Sophie for documenting this specific moment in recovery, as it was the first drawing I had made in 8 months.
If you feel your behaviour towards food and your body is taking too much of a toll on your life, speak up if you are ready. There is no shame in your behaviours, just so long as you manage them and they don’t rule you you can be whoever you want to become.
To all those suffering, we need to stick together! All the love and light your way! My inbox is open if you want to talk to a stranger
#ridraw #rebekahirving #art #artist #draw #drawing #sketch #sketching #commission #animalportrait #portrait #portraiture #animal #animals #dogs #staffordshirebullterrier #bulimianervosa #anorexianervosa #recovery #pencil #evolve @sophbeardshaw #working #tea #dreadlocks #ed #eatingdisorder
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At the end of the day, you only have yourself. People will never remember everything you did for them, only the things you didn’t.
I just need one person. To never give up on me. Just one.
You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning.
I’m the type of person that will sit in the bathroom and cry, but then walk out like nothing ever happened.
Brain: You can’t eat all that foot.
Binge: Watch me.
Ana: WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE YOU FAT, WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT?!
Me: I’m so sorry, oh god.
Mia: It’s okay sweetie, come here…♡
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: I don’t know.
Welcome to our society…
…it fucking sucks!
Depression: I want you to suffer.
Me: But I was happy at the moment.
Depression: Five minutes is enough. Now suffer!
Emotional breakdowns
Have you ever broke down sobbing after so long of being strong? Crumbled to the floor, hands by your face. Your face scrunches up and you let out that first gasp. You try to be quiet but eventually it becomes loud, heartwrenching sobs. You cry and cry, so much you can’t breathe. You ask whoever is up there, “Why? Why me? Why this? Why can’t I just be dead?” You say you want to end it all right there right then. You sob, trying to gasp breaths in between. Eventually you completely collapse on the floor after, and you just lay there, numb.
Physical pain takes away emotional pain.
“I draw with silver, and it turns red.”
- magic
You’re the one who knows me best, tell me why I’m depressed.
Everyone has that one friend, they’d choose over anyone. To talk to, hang out with, it doesn’t matter. They’re always the first choice. I get an empty feeling in my chest, when I realize I’m not that friend to anyone.
Because the pain of looking in the mirror hurts more than starving.
I wonder what it feels like to look in the mirror and not totally hate what you see.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels…
“I guess it’s ok. I wouldn’t choose me either.”
- always the second choice
Selfharm:
You see it as them hurting themselves too much. They see it as never hurting enough.
Anorexia:
You see it as them just being skin and bones. They see it as a huge number on the scale.
Bulimia:
You see it as too many trips to the bathroom. They see it as “I ate too much”.
Suicide:
You see it as unexpected and surprising. They see it as the only option.
I told you I felt like dying and you did nothing.
