#anxious attachment
Did it hurt?
Did it hurt when you realized that the things you love the most are the things that others see as ordinary, not because you’ve learnt to see the beauty in the little things, but because they’re the things that no one will take away from you? Stars, the Moon, flowers, bees, puddles in the street… That you’re so broken that it’s the only thing you can truly, unadulteratedly love because everything else you’ve ever cherished has been cruelly ripped from your grasp?
Because it didhurtme.
Hard truth that I’ve had to confront that I’m honestly not proud of:
Constantly voicing your abandonment issues lead to more people abandoning you.
I do not mean in Serious Conversations about what you need in a relationship or anything like that - I mean when your friend plays a video game with a different friend for a few days and you feel like your world is crumbling, that is not the time to talk about them.
I understand the fear that someone will decide they are done with you. I live that fear every single day, but here’s the rub.
If you tell people “you’ll probably leave me anyway” or similar things every time you feel that fear, people will leave you.
Not because they don’t want to be your friend, your partner, your roommate, whatever. Not because you aren’t deserving of friends (you are), but because it is exhausting to be constantly told by someone you like/love to go away.
Because that is how it feels on the other end. I don’t say this to make it worse, or to make you feel like you’re at fault. Your brain is hurting you, and it’s okay to feel things. But if you find that it’s hard to keep people around you, then you need to hear that outside of things like conversations about boundaries and triggers and such, it would be to your benefit to change your language.
Instead of telling people “you probably don’t like me”, try asking. “You like me? It’s much easier for them to reassure you when you don’t start with a negative, because it puts your brain in a different mindset, one that finds it easier to believe their response.
Sit with your issues. Parent them. And when they’re done screaming, hold their little hands and dry their little faces and try to remember that you are worth being loved. I won’t say it’s easy, because it’s really fucking not. I won’t say you’ll get it the first time, or that you’ll never fuck up. I still do. But you deserve friends and partners and love, it’s just that so do they.
Another thing about this is that you are waving a red flag.
Because here’s the thing.
When your friend plays a video game with a different friend for a few days, and you talk about how that hurt you? You’ve just created a situation where you’ve placed the onus of your emotions on your friend, who did nothing wrong. Now your friend has to worry about what other perfectly reasonable activities are going to get them accused of hurting you, which is what you were doing whether you meant to or not.
And here’s the other thing.
When you tell someone “everyone always leaves me”, they wonder why. And it’s very possible that they’ve dealt with someone who complained about this, then proceeded to demonstrate why. There is a particular kind of social parasite that will completely use up their friend group, then move on to new friends while shit-talking how they were treated by the last friend group.
If you’re always reassuring your friend that you love then and do not in fact secretly hate them, it can get tedious and feel like they don’t believe you when you tell them that.
That doesn’t mean they don’t need reassurance and support! Those feelings are real, and can be difficult to manage.
But if you are the one feeling those things, it’s important to interrogate them. As in, it may FEEL like someone is abandoning you, and those feelings are very real and color your perception. But that doesn’t mean they’re reality!
If they’re a long time friend you probably have some evidence that they care about you. A time when theyve said or done something to express that. Try to remember those when you’re feeling that way and take a step back to evaluate.
You can write them down. And if you don’t have many, look for opportunities to give them first. Say something nice about your friend, tell them you enjoy their company etc. They’ll feel more inclined to be do the same.
Work on retraining that internal (and external) monologue.
It’s difficult, anxiety is a bitch. But you’re going to have better results if you put your effort into being the kind of person your friends want to be around than if you focus on worrying that they’re going to leave you.
And I’m not saying you have to change everything about you or pretend to be something youre not. But ultimately you’re the one who gets to decide what kind of person you are, and you can golden rule this. Treat people the way you wanna be treated yknow. If you like getting compliments, be the kind of person that gives compliments etc
i’ve been no contact for four months as of today
i cling to external validation because i need someone else to appreciate me before i can appreciate myself
i wonder sometimes how it would feel to be loved by someone else as much as i love other people. would i feel the need to leave like they always do?
