I stay awake at night cause I don’t even know what my favorite color is and I’m afraid I don’t have a real personality.

BPD POST #18

you want to have a close friend, a #fp, but then you instantly push them away because you’re scared they’ll hurt and/or leave you.

BPD POST #17

emotional instability.

thedarkperidot:

None of your trauma is your fault. ♡

Mindful Monday's

Walking Meditation

Walking meditation brings mindfulness to the moment-to-moment experience of walking. Typically, when we walk we’re focused on getting somewhere, and not on the present-moment sensations of walking. In contrast, in walking meditations, there is no destination, and we bring our awareness to sensations in the feet and lower legs. Although you can practice walking meditation at any time, it may be especially useful if you’re experiencing strong anxiety that makes it difficult to be still for other types of meditation.

Set aside at least 10 minutes for this practice. Find a place that’s quiet and private and allows you a path to walk back and forth. You don’t need much space, just enough for 10-20 steps. Remember, you’re not going anywhere, you’re just walking. Feel free to experiment with the length of your path. You can walk at any pace, but slowing down will help you notice more of the sensations you experience as you walk.

Being by noticing that you are where you are. Connect with your breath and then with the sensations of your feet on the ground. From a standing position, begin to take a step with the left foot. Notice the shift of weight from both feet to the right foot. Notice the sensations of the left foot coming off the ground. First the heel, then the ball of the foot. Sense how the pressure releases as you pick up the entire left foot. Experience the left foot and leg swinging forward. Then notice the sensations of placing the left food on the ground again.

Bring awareness to the shift of weight from the right foot to the left. The sensations of the right heel coming off the ground, then the ball of the foot and then the whole foot. Feel how the weight transfers graduallyto the left food as the right foot and leg swing forward to slowly begin another step.

Bring kind awareness to the sensations of pressure, the swinging of each foot and leg, muscle tension, touch, movement of clothing, and so on. When attention wanders away from the sensations of walking, as it will, practice patience and kindness. Let go of judgement and come back to the sensations of walking over and over again.

Mindful Monday’s

Mindful Stretching

Mindful stretching can promote awareness and the attitudes of allowing gentleness, and compassion toward your body and your life. Whether you practice yoga in a class or at home or stretch for fitness, you can bring these qualities to your stretches, transforming them into a mindfulness meditation. Just one caution: if you’re unsure whether certain stretches are appropriate for you, consult your doctor before doing them.

As you stretch, bring beginner’s mind to your body. Move slowly and gently, and explore sensations in the body as if for the first time. When the mind wanders as it will, gently return to noticing sensations.

As you stretch mindfully, open to any opportunities to learn (or relearn) important life lessons. If a stretch is challenging, you may notice that you react with aversion. In that case, you can purposely welcome sensations of tension as an invitation to rest and find ease in the stretch. You may find that breathing with sensations helps you let go of any struggle against them and allow them to be present. The body’s wisdom will inform you of its limits, helping you understand the difference between unpleasant sensations and pain and how to take care of yourself. It can help you know when you need to back off from a stretch - and when you need to back off from excessive attempts to please others.

The wisdom of the body can help you heal in many ways. When you stretch areas that hold chronic tension, buried emotions may be released. Don’t strive to make this happen; just notice sensations in the body. As you tune in to your experience, mindful stretching can help you learn from the inside out that letting go and mindfully sensing the places where you feel stuck can help you feel freer. Both in your body and in daily life.

For example, if your arms burn as you hold them out, you can gently challenge yourself to stay with the position for a few more moments. Noticing the sensations and the desire to relieve the discomfort. Experiment with allowing the sensation to be present without struggling to change them, releasing into the posture. This can teach you that you don’t have to react immediately to urges, and that sometimes they pass as you allow them to be present. In time, you can transfer these lessons to difficult approval seeking moment, applying what you’ve learned about aversion, letting go, and not acting on urges.

Is the IT guy winking and waving at me because he suddenly developed social skills or has he hacked my work computer and is amused?

I’ve reached level 25 (officially referring to birthdays as levels from now on )

I know that when i was 20, I was a totally different person; I mean I was in the closet ️‍ and married to a man. So…big changes happened in my life in just 5 years I finally came out as a lesbian and left my husband, told my loved ones about my ADHD and PTSD and am now the most authentic me I can be.

I’m excited and nervous to meet the level 30 version of myself

How have you changed in the last 5 years? What shit about yourself are you currently working on? (I’m working on my executive functioning skills)

you know that moment when you do something wrong and you literally wanna remove yourself from you body and beat yourself up?

what’s it like to be passionate about something?

I can never show my face anywhere ever again

I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.

my friends simulator.

would you like to befriend someone with a mental illness: yes/no

you picked yes

would you like to be warned ahead of time of their symptoms yes/no

you picked yes

uh oh they’re showing symptoms what’s your next move

show them support and understanding/abandon them without warning

you chose abandon them without warning

congratulations your awful

everyone: just be yourself!

me: *is myself*

everyone: ohhhh no no no…..no no no no no sssssss ahhhhhh no.

*doctor shows me my x-rays*

me: oh wow I am a real person.

credit to borderline.bunny on instagram

bpdbobbidiboo:

ash-muncher:

i feel as if the past will FOREVER haunt me

Borderline Personality and Splitting Yet Again

Goddamn. Splitting really fucking sucks. I Hella vibe with this guy the other night. Last night we went out to a bar and I was still Viking with him. Took some Molly and I was all over him. But when we got to his house I smoked weed and it intensified the Molly so intensely. In my “clarity moment” I split on him. He was the sexiest thing to me. 6'6, beard, deep voice. Sexy. But when I had my reality check all the affection I was enjoying made me feel absolutely smothered. I didn’t want to touch him, or kiss him. But he’s got aspergers so he didn’t pick up on my social cues. I completely shut down. I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. He kept being lovey dovey and it just made my skin crawl. It’s crazy. Going from one extreme to another. Splitting sucks because he’s a good guy. Not good for me though. I just am no longer interested.

Schizoaffective Borderline and My Clarity Moments

So now that I’ve had my “clarity moments” at this guys house. I’m completely uninterested in him. He’s just a product of my manic episode. And I stayed the night. We didn’t have sex. I just slept. Had to sleep after that horrible trip I had last night. I just need to get to work and get ready and just get on. Distract myself from my problems. Work is a good distraction. I need to focus on that. No fucking guys. Seriously. I just honestly wanted to fuck him. I wasn’t considering a relationship of any type. But still. No sex either. Just stay focused on work. If I’m horny I’ll masturbate. Oh well. No. Guys.