#abandonment issues
spiky backstory bc i never posted it let’s go
Spiky wasn’t quite sure what he was.
Well, some might say, a porcupine.
But what porcupine could set fires?
So Spiky wondered.
Unti, one day, there was a person. A person who would sit next to him and attempt to pet him, even with all his spikes. A person who would play with matches. A person who named him.
Then, he became a partner in crime.
The first thing about being a partner in crime, Spiky realized, was that he was never alone anymore.
In the Before, he would sleep wherever he could find. Alleys, gutters, roofs.
In the After, he could go home- Before, he hadn’t even known what home meant.
And there was always that person- xe would talk to him, constantly filling up the space with an abundance of chatter and warmth.
He hadn’t even realized it Before, but he had never felt warmth.
This person was warmth. Xe was the campfire, crackling and laughing and so, so, wonderful.
And one day, xe was gone.
Spiky- he couldn’t think his name without flinching, that was what xe called him- went back to Before.
And then xe was back, but xe was different.
Xe had a scar over xyr left eye.
Xe looked… sad.
When Spiky sparked, xe flinched.
He curled up alone that night.
)(*)(
When Spiky went back to the person a few days later- maybe he was being selfish, but he hadn’t wanted to see xem still sad- xe was smiling. Happy, (xe was smiling!) Spiky curled up next to xem, watching xem play with not-matches.
He deflated a bit- xe didn’t want fire xe didn’t want fire xe didn’t want him- but stayed curled up next to xem.
The next day, it was still not-matches.
The day after that, it was still not-matches.
The next day, it was a glowing thing that looked like matches, but wasn’t- Spiky had tested it. And maybe broken it.
But it was okay, because the person laughed, and the next day, it was matches.
Spiky let out his sparks.
It fills me with such envy to see my friends have other friends. How do they go to a place and end up with a new person in their contacts by the end of the day? How are they able to maintain relationships like that. It sucks to know that if we ever stop talking they’d have people to talk to but I’d be all alone.
You deserve the love and kindness you give to everyone else.
When someone tries to get me to open up
Abandoned splitwindow.
This reminds Me of all the men - and women, too - who were sleek and beautiful and high powered, but at some point they no longer commanded their owner’s attention and they were just abandoned. I see houses like that too, just left empty. And even if someone comes along and appreciates their worth and makes an honest effort to restore them, there will always be that memory of the time they were discarded. There’s a fear that it will happen again. And a very real possibility. Perhaps not a high probability, but even the smallest possibility haunts them.
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Me: Has abandonment issues
Everyone I grow to care for: ✌
Me: *desperatly wants a secure attachment*
A secure attachment: *starts happening*
Me:
I crave love and affection but am too scared to accept it. Getting attached to something or someone is so difficult for someone like me. My abandonment issues run deep. So if I leave.. just know it’s not because you don’t mean anything, it’s because I want to push you away before you can leave me.
- Journal of Castina Rose
i think one of the worst things about abandonment issues is that you spend your life in a constant cycle of expecting someone to leave, consequently doing shit that’ll make them leave, and then affirming to yourself that they were gonna leave the whole time because of who you are as a person
Recently, K left to study abroad in Europe. I didn’t think this would have much of an effect on me, considering we live on the opposite sides of the US to begin with.
However, for a couple days before he left and a couple days after his arrival, every time someone mentioned his name or I saw a picture of him, I’d start crying. And when I was alone, the watery eyes and tears would turn into full-on bawling.
I felt like he was leaving me forever and I’d never hear from him again. Logically, I knew this wasn’t true. We’d still have our regular video chats, even if they were less frequent due to the increased time difference. There wasn’t a reason for that to change.
I’m feeling better about this whole thing now, but I feel like I had to put some emotional distance between me and K in order to feel better. I’ll talk to him more about this of course, but I’m still not sure why this had such a big effect on me to begin with. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
i wonder sometimes how it would feel to be loved by someone else as much as i love other people. would i feel the need to leave like they always do?
it took me a long time to realize that the people i was most terrified of losing were the people i was most in need of leaving
The ones that keep searching for reassurance, have been abandoned in the past by someone.
.
.
I’ve had periods of feeling like I’m not good enough. Being rejected by jobs, the possibility of being rejected from a school I want to go to, feeling like my best is not enough, and what hurts the most is feeling like your friends likes each other more than they like me, being the second choice of the person that is my first, and not being my parent’s favorite child. I should be doing better by the time this is posted though. Just before drawing this, I was so upset I cracked my phone screen in a rage because my favorite person had someone else as their favorite. It’s been a while since I drew this piece of vent art, this was actually my first digital drawing of this year.
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