Horoscope: Your eyes go black and birds fall out of the sky as you smile for the first time in centuries. All is transpiring according to prophecy.

Picked a bad day to visit the bird sanctuary. 

Horoscope: That high school experiment where you had to take care of an egg for a week like it was your baby will prove nightmarishly prophetic.

Here’s hoping she doesn’t try to give her a bath. 

Horoscope: Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do. 

You can’t hear it, but there are bones crunching in that handshake.