#closeness
“In a person’s lifetime there may be not more than half a dozen occasions that he can look back to in the certain knowledge that right then, at that moment, there was room for nothing but happiness in his heart.”
― Ernestine Gilbreth Carey
( ph. Léon Herschtritt, Amoureux de Paris, 1960 )
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“Cherish those people who have the ability to touch you and still be thousands of miles from your presence.”
— Rachel Wolchin
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“All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where are you…and what am I supposed to be doing? I Love you…My soul is yours. I’m sure of that, and I intend to end up there with you.”
— Rumi
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“ You loved me the other day. You wanted me to sit beside you…Didn’t I feel it- didn’t I know? There’s something between us - a sort of pull. Something you always do to me and I to you.“
— F. Scott Fitzgerald
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How do you make a relationship work for the long haul? Research has identified several key factors, many of which have to do with the relationship mindset we hold.
I recently interviewed Dr. Gary Lewandowski, author of the new book Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them, for the Sex and Psychology Podcast (listen to the full episode here). Here are four of the key pieces of science-backed advice he shared:
1.) Don’t sacrifice too much.
We often hear about the importance of sacrifice in relationships—we’re told that we need to put our partner’s needs above our own in order for things to work. While there is some truth to this idea, it’s important to keep in mind that sacrificing too much can actually undermine the relationship.
When sacrifice is one-sided (one partner is always compromising, while the other is not) and/or when the sacrifices being made are very large (to the point where you’re giving up things that are extremely important to you and neglecting your own needs), sacrifice can take a toll.
Sacrifice tends to work best when it is mutual and minor.
2.) Don’t make your love conditional.
We often think we know what’s best for our partners and that one of our jobs in a relationship is to help our partner become who we want them to be. That’s why it’s not uncommon for people to tell their partners things like, “if you love me, you’ll change.”
However, when we look at our partners as people in need of “fixing” and attach all kinds of terms and conditions to our love, we often end up hurting rather than helping the relationship. In part, this is because trying to force change on someone often produces the effect opposite of the one intended. Plus, people often use tactics to change their partners that aren’t all that effective and may be counterproductive (e.g., punishment, withholding sex, etc.).
3.) Don’t lose yourself in the relationship.
The idea of “two becoming one” sounds very romantic, but it’s actually not all that healthy. Yes, being close to your partner is positive, but you can have too much of a good thing. It’s important not to lose your individuality—to have some time and space for yourself, to pursue your own hobbies and interests, to have some of your own friends, to have some independence.
The loss of self in a relationship is actually a common reason why many people in perfectly happy relationships end up cheating—it’s not because the relationship itself is bad, but rather it’s a quest for self-discovery.
Also, if you’re always with your partner and do everything together, you never have the opportunity to miss them—and missing them can make your relationship stronger. This is why some studies have actually found that long-distance relationships often have stronger bonds compared to relationships in which the partners live closer.
4.) Don’t avoid every conflict.
Many people assume that the less partners fight, the better. However, a little bit of fighting can actually be a good thing—and it’s certainly better than total conflict avoidance. People who believe conflict is always a bad sign are actually less happy in their relationships, in part, because by avoiding conflict, they never deal with their problems—and those problems just continue to grow in the background until they become intractable differences.
By dealing with little things as they come up and having some minor disagreements, you can prevent problems from ballooning into major fights.
For more tips on cultivating successful relationships, check out my full conversation with Gary here and be sure to check out his new book, Stronger Than You Think.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click herefor more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and PsychologyonFacebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTubeandInstagram.
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You come up behind me as I stand at the bathroom sink. I’m looking in the mirror and see your approach and your wicked smile. Your hands lightly caress my shoulders before your hands slide my hair out of your way. You bend your head and start kissing my neck. Soft, sweet kisses that soon turn rebellious. I can feel your teeth nip my soft skin as your hands slide down my front grabbing my large tits. I can feel your strong hands knead my tits, gentle at first but slowly growing momentum and intensity.
You tell me to look into the mirror, I do as told and marvel at the sight of your strong, masculine body against my soft womanly curves. I watch as if hypnotised as your hands continue their assault on my breasts, I watch as your tongue licks up my neck and towards my ear. You know I love the sight of seeing a woman’s tits grabbed from behind, you know what it does to me. I whimper at the simple beauty and the sheer roughness of it. I can see the small bruises starting to develop on the tender skin. I moan, I rub back against you, I can feel myself getting wetter, I want you.
I try to turn around to face you, but you don’t allow it. You whisper to me, “just watch baby.” I watch as your tongue licks the outer part of my ear, I can feel your hot breath in my ear. I can feel your hardened cock pressed against my ass. I watch your hands slide lower down my body. They glide past my stomach, and start to run through the tangle of black curls before my legs spread open for you. You smile again and ask, “impatient aren’t we?” You know the answer before you ever asked the question, I am always impatient for you and the things that you do to my body.
Your fingers deftly stroke the lips of my pussy. Again, I whimper and push against you. One hand reaches up to grab me by my hair, pulling my neck back sharply. Your fingers start to rub my swollen clit. Your mouth sucks on my neck in little spots here and there, turning the spots momentarily red. Two of your fingers slowly slide into me, I gasp at the feeling of it and imagining something entirely different sliding into me. Slowly you tease my pussy, you are in no hurry, you never are. You always try to teach me patience and we both know it never works. I press back against you pushing your fingers deeper inside of me. I swivel my hips on your fingers and it causes my ass to sway back and forth over your cock.
I can see that this affects you as much as it does me. I continue to rub against you. You lean down and turn my face to the side and kiss me. Just lips touching lips. Then your tongue slowly slides into my mouth, touching my tongue before moving back. Again, your tongue invades my mouth, dances with my tongue and grazes over my lips. You suck on my bottom lip and start to nibble on it. I try to lean forward some so I can be more in control of the kiss, I want to suck your tongue and nibble on your lip, but you jerk me back by my hair. Your tongue traces an outline of my lips before it starts to explore my mouth again.
I pant against you. I need so much more than what you are giving me right now. I am close to an orgasm, I’m hot and wet and left wanting. I can feel this desire for something, but I’m uncertain of what it is exactly. “Please baby, I need you,” I whisper against your mouth. You remove your fingers, bringing them to your mouth, I can smell my musky juices on them. You slowly lick the juices off of them, but you laugh when I try to taste too. You guide my hands to my tits and one to my pussy. “I want to watch you and I want to watch as you pleasure yourself”. I slowly struck my pussy lips before I insert my fingers inside. My other hand, lifts one tit to my mouth so I can suck on the nipple. I know that this drives you crazy. You watch as my tongue dances across the hardened nipple as I watch your face. I can see the lust filling your eyes. I can feel your cock bobbing against my ass. I can see you lick your lips and I can hear the soft moans that come from you.
I quicken the pace of my fingers sliding in and out. I start to lick the other nipple, only to find your head bent down taking it in your mouth. I pull you by your hair down onto my tits. Faster and faster my fingers fly in and out. The orgasm is getting closer as I rub my clit. I moan louder and throw my head back, my orgasm races over me, juices start to squirt and flow down my fingers and inner thighs. My body shakes as the orgasm holds me in its clutches. Slowly it releases me, and I laugh a little as I realise the mess I have made. I bring my fingers up to my mouth and start to lap at the cum covering my fingers, hand, and wrist. You make a move to share with me and I pull away from you. I refuse to share this with you, just like you refused to share with me earlier.
Before I even realise, you have muttered “bitch”, and have spread my legs apart. Quickly you slam your cock into my soaking wet pussy. I moan again, oh how delicious it feels to have your cock filling me up. A few more thrusts before you withdraw and move behind me. You lean me over the sink a little, my tits are hanging free and slightly swaying. I can feel you spreading my ass cheeks apart. The tip of your cock is teasing my asshole and slowly you slide into my tight ass. Holy shit it is so fucking tight. Almost unbearable. We both watch my face in the mirror. A complete look of shock is plastered there, I am uncertain of how to respond.
You slowly pull out and then slide back in again. I can feel myself start to relax and the sensation starts to feel good. I can feel my pussy grow even damper. Again, slowly out and slowly in. I whimper and moan at the pleasure of it. It feels so wicked to have your cock buried in my ass, to watch my tits sway in the mirror as you slide in and out of me. You grab my hips and start to ass fuck me in earnest. You pound against me harder and harder, my heavy tits swaying in all directions, juices slowly dripping out of my wet pussy. I watch you in the mirror, the sweat beading up on your forehead, your eyes half closed and your head tilted back. I start to rub my clit, I am close to another orgasm this one going to be stronger than the first.
You reach around me and grab my tits hard, you slam into me. Over and over. Your hands rough on my tits, squeezing my nipples hard. WE both watch in the mirror enthralled by what we see. My hands are over yours, clawing your hands, leaving red trails where they have been. I bite my lip, my moans are louder almost half screams, I bite my lip to try and control some of the frenzy that I am feeling. My hands running down my body, rubbing, clawing. My ass slamming back onto your cock. Oh fuck. Fuck the feeling is too much. I can’t handle this. I can feel tears spring to my eyes. I feel reckless and crazed. My breath quickens as I scream out. My orgasm rips me apart, I convulse and spasm on your cock. My head whips back, soft screams leave my body. The orgasm continues to assault me. It feels like a 1000 mini electrical shocks running through my body. You keep pounding and pounding as I shudder against your chest. You watch my face in the mirror as my eyes close and I whimper with the small shocks that continue torture my body. Your moans get louder and louder, I slowly open my eyes to watch your face as you cum deep inside my ass. Your eyes close tight and your tongue hangs out just a little as you empty your hot cum inside of me. Slowly you thrust a few more times. You lean over me, pushing my hot body down on to the cool counter top. We stay like this for a few minutes, both of us worn out and shocked by the intensity of our orgasms.
