Im gonna actually lose my balls im currently busy with a final for a class on my 1st semester where im supposed to recreat the blueprint of my house or whatever

I forgot the space for my house’s balcony… why dont i erase and start again? Becuase im almost done with the house… and the pencils ive used are very hard to erase…

12.02.2020 | 17:00

Here’s to the last round! Survived yesterdays exam, next one is on friday! There’s a hell lot to study for, so i’m gonna spend the next two days cramming madly. I’ll be so relieved when this will finally be over! My body is reacting to all the sugar and coffee already - and not in good ways. So i need to reduce that consuming again after this, so that i can stay healthy. Hope you’re all doing good, don’t make the same mistakes than i do! Stay healthy and motivated xx

09.02.2020 | it’s already February, and i’m full on studying for my last exams. Already had the first one, finances is comin up in two days, then it’s the last one about leadership and organisation on Valentine’s day. Time’s flying by so fast and i’m actually living on coffee, carbs and sugar at the moment. I’ve already gained some weight again, and the semester hasn’t come to a complete end yet, because after that, it will be time to write three research papers (between 10 and 15 pages each) in a month. How do you cope with stressfull times?

Okay but why does people ever think that it’s okay to just chat and hang out in the library?? In the middle of exams seasons?? And it’s a tiny asf library like girl can you just hang somewhere else that’s not here? The worst part is that they’re from a year below me and they aren’t even supposed to be in my section of the library so conclusion why are some people so inconsiderate god help me 

I knew from a young age that life was never going to be picture perfect, and I accepted that. I learned to alter my view of the world to be more realistic early on, as to avoid disappointment. I got good at taking care of myself at a young age and I got even better at watching others and reading them to see how they were doing. I felt like things were finally settling into a rhythm, things were looking a little up for a while there. And then it feels like it all hit again, except this time it wasn’t a slow trickle it feels more like a tsunami thats attempting to sweep my feet out from underneath me. Being on my toes has never been an issue, I watched my abusive dad leave my life when I wasn’t even fully aware that this wasn’t how most families are, I watched my mom lose a child, I was there for all my grandmothers hospital visits as she slowly died of liver failure,I watched as the only grandfather figure I had left because it was all too much, and so much more that it felt like it had to all be behind me, how could there be more.

Then a few months ago my mom started getting sick. Some thought it was just the flu, then maybe metapause. After two or so months she had lost over 60 pounds and we found out it was a stomach ulcer and a kidney infection. She started antibotics and all should have been fine. Except these discovers seemed to lead to more symptoms, at first we thought maybe they were just side effects of the medicines she was on. We waited and hoped this was the answer, because it was the easiest one to solve. Unfortunately life is never that easy, instead her doctors believe she is in the beginning stages of multiple sclerosis. which for those who don’t know is a disorder where the immune system eats away at the covering of the nerves and doesn’t have a cure. Its a life sentence of pain with treatments that can help manage some of the pain, but none that make it better. With that everything shattered. She got fired from her job because of medical time she had taken off and I had to deliver the news. That was probably one of the hardest calls Ive had to have. WIth finally knowing what is wrong with our loved ones, there is usually this relief that washes over us. I think this caused the opposite, I knew this meant I would have to be the one to be there for everyone else and hold everything together. That job has become harder than ever, I am trying to hold myself together, all the while I am a full time student, who works most of the weekend and comes home to care for my family. Its been hard to not want to just sit and cry sometimes because Ive been up for 18 hours and now I have to make sure everyone has eatten, that my sister has finished her homework and then help her get ready for bed, while ensuring my mom has her new icepacks and she stays on her schedule for medications. 

The hardest part is always feeling alone, like this is a one person battle. I know I have friends that are there for me, but I feel bad enough when I neglect them for weeks because 17 credit hours is enough to juggle with working 20 hours a week. I feel like I can’t let people in either, this is my problem really not thiers. I don’t want to bring someone into this, then have it be the reason they leave.. because its all too much and its not thier issue. Most of my friends don’t know that my mom is sick, most wouldn’t know anything wrong and sometimes I think thats almost easier than to let someone in only for them to leave. -A

First week

This honestly was the first week of school from hell. I had assignments that were due before school even started and then I got slammed with hours worth of homework for each night. On top of that I’m still working over 20 hours a week so I have barely slept to keep up with everything. Last night after work I completely lost it and had a full on emotional break down in the shower because I had to save time since I was going to be up till atleast 12 as it was. I’ve managed to push my self so hard I got sick on the second day and have felt like absolute crap every day

College update

Today was my first day of the fall semester and I’m absolutely wiped already. I had several assignments due before school even started so that set it off not so great. Then today I had to get up at 7 to get to campus so I could study for like two hours before class then after all my classes got done at 2:30 I had to take the bus home and quickly get ready for work, work a 5 hour shift and then come home to study. I feel like I really didn’t get much accomplished because I was already tired and I need to go to bed soon in order to get up on time to go to my 8am class. I still have to find time to read like 6 chapters worth of content before Wednesday’s classes