Not trusting that your peers have your best interests in mind when it comes to selecting an activity that won’t cause you stress and anxiety because of your hearing, while dealing with the backlash as you are accused of not having enough faith in others, when, ironically, you’ve had to explain to those same people many times why you don’t answer the phone or why you’re over the loud, crowded bar scene or why that guy’s looking at you funny because of your accent.
And then they proceed to tell you that it’s all in your head.
I’m not fucking dealing with this in 2018. Get out of my face with my shit.
It disgusts me how many adults in my life have tried to raise me as a hearing person. It’s their secret way of saying, “No. We don’t accept this.” And to think how I’m not the only one. It happens to all of us, everyone, in different ways. And not just deaf and hard of hearing people.
Life is either constantly looking around to pretend that you are hearing things like everybody else or isolating yourself to not give a damn. There is no middle ground.
I’m not sure if I think any of us are obligated to apologize to some hearing people for making them feel uncomfortable for five seconds when we are uncomfortable in their world for a lifetime.
It’s funny how everybody wants to talk about mental illness and depression, but hardly anybody is willing to engage in a conversation upon which we discuss how deafness and/or central auditory processing disorder are oftentimes a huge contributor to anxiety and depression on so many levels. Not only are you constantly navigating an isolating world where you cannot always rely on your ears or your brain to process sound, but you have to understand how other people communicate, worry about accommodations and accessibility, strain yourself physically and mentally in order to mainstream, deal with numerous embarrassing situations that require a thicker skin than most, combat audism in your community, oftentimes family, friends, and coworkers, miss out on many activities and conversations, and struggle every day with accepting your limitations. There millions of us all over the world. Why are we not talking about this?
Deaf – Hearing romantic relationship – my own experience
You know, there was a time that I believed I would meet a deaf man, and have deaf children. Fast forward a few years and I’m happily in love with a hearing man. The reason I believed I would end up with a deaf man because I thought it would be easier. Easier to meet, easier to communicate, being deaf would be something in common. Being deaf and dating within the hearing world has it challenges, and full of disappointment. Especially for me I have many people who stopped talking to me when they learned I was deaf, or used me to satisfy their curiosity of meeting/dating a deaf girl. So naturally I started to want to be with a deaf man, and that was a challenge in itself. I’m not 100% fluent in sign language, or very involved in the wider deaf community. I’m deaf, but very much integrated in the hearing world due to my parents’ choice.
Through online dating I came across someone who caught my eye, and decided to ‘like’ his profile rather than private message to say hello. I was worried that he wouldn’t reply after looking through my profile, I mentioned that I am deaf. I got more messages from guys when I didn’t disclosed my deafness…. Online dating is window shopping. We want the pretty things, not the imperfect that’s on the ‘for sale’ shelf. So I pretty much stopped message guys first and just like their profile which basically sends a notification to them saying ‘hey, this girl likes the look of you’. He messaged me back…. God this never happened before! Usually I have messages from sleazy guys but not from someone that I was interested in. My first thought was ‘I bet he not read my profile, and just thought what a pretty face’ and would stop messaging me when he learns that I am deaf. Boy, was I wrong!? He thought it was ‘interesting’ and wanted to know more.
After messaging each other for a few weeks, we eventually had our first date. I was very anxious, total opposite to him. I had the usual first date anxiety: what if I’m not attracted to him, or him to me, or we didn’t connect. On top of that I had my ‘deaf anxiety’; will I understand him? What if he mumbles? What if I mispronounces words? And the truth is I did struggle to hear him but luckily he had really clear lip patterns, which made it easier to lip read. I thought he spoke posh!
The first time I stayed over, I slept in my hearing aid. Which fellow deafies will know is rather uncomfortable. I slept in them because I didn’t want to take them out in front of him, they can get gunky at times and there’s an element of vulnerability when I take out my hearing and be in completed silence. Also hearing people do have a habit of talking to you, after you’ve taken them out and everyone feels stupid as result of this. Plus we tend to lay in the dark talking, till we fall asleep. Then there the question of ‘intimacy’ and the debate of hearing aids in or out. Hearing aids in equals amplified breathing, feedback and whistling, and hearing aids out equal no verbal communication. And first time sleeping with someone does require some kind of verbal directions.
Then there the meeting of his family and friends, who are all hearing and most likely never really came across a deaf person or have had the opportunity to learn any deaf awareness. Great bunch of people, minimal deaf awareness. Especially in group settings, they talk to me without getting my attention so I’m not aware that they’re talking to me, mumbling, speaking quietly to name a few. Being a deaf person and like all deaf people, we adapted or we pretended we knew what was going on.
Fast forward 16 months and we’re living together.
I can lip read him clearly, no little to no issues. Remember lip reading is mainly guesswork. I now go to bed with 1 hearing aid in, and when he starts snoring. I know he’s asleep and the hearing aid comes out. Over time deaf awareness amongst friends and family increased due to spending time around a deaf person, me.
Deaf hearing relationships has its challenges, but they can be overcome. This is down to good clear communication and adapting to each other. He wasn’t deaf aware when we met but after getting to know each and talking about how my deafness affects me, and what support I need. He became much more deaf aware, and more than me sometimes. I’m forever talking to him when he’s in the other room or going upstairs, and then I don’t understand the response. I can’t blame him for that. I need to practice what I preach. He makes me aware if I’m saying something incorrectly, and helps me to correct it. This sometime makes us laugh. Sometimes we misunderstand each other, but we always talk it out. Being deaf is a communication barrier in itself, both partners need to be understanding and respectful of this. Not to be impatient or get too frustrated if not being understood.
There will be a time when he will be a hearing person in a deaf world, and the shoe will be on the other foot.
I’m grateful that he is open to learning sign language and has learned a few signs. It warms my heart when he tells me he loves me in British sign language (BSL), it means more than saying it verbally. It doesn’t mean he love me more or less, in whatever way he says I love you, but in BSL to me it means acceptance. It means I love the deaf you. More importantly when we have children there is a strong likelihood that we will have a deaf child (I really hope so) and our child will be brought up both orally and using sign language. I want my children to be able to fluidly move between both worlds. Something that I didn’t have the chance to do.
Overall I am very lucky to have found someone who completes me.
I follow a lot of deaf social media groups on Facebook, and sometime I feel myself getting frustrated. We rally together and champion for more deaf awareness, more acceptance within the hearing community, and rightly so we should. But I feel that we’ve become keyboard warriors, we moan to our d/Deaf peers about the issues we face. Moaning to each other changes nothing within the hearing community. When we face a barrier, we need to challenge it there and then. For example if we don’t understand someone and they get fed up saying ‘never mind!’ It’s hurtful when that happens. We need to tell the person saying that when they say it, not 2 hours or 4 days later to our d/Deaf peers. Also talking to that person there and then will enable them to learn, understand and become more deaf aware. But we need to understand that we cannot accept that person to become 100% deaf aware straight away, when we educate them about something. Learning and changing behaviour/habit takes time. We may have to remind them twice or even 100 times. We shouldn’t write them off straight away as inconsiderate hearing people. This is something we need to change within ourselves, especially if we want other to change. All relationships is a two way street.
While writing this I am aware that not everyone has the confidence to challenge people there and then, but every time we face a barrier and not challenge it. It will keep chipping away at the confidence in our ability to navigate the hearing world, and the more we challenge these barriers, the more confident we will become.
We need to be warriors on the streets, not behind a keyboard.
I’ve been thinking about deaf cubs and why I keep putting it off? I came to the conclusion that, I feel that I’m not deaf enough. Now! What does that mean? It is because I don’t wear a cochlear implant, not 100% fluent in BSL or BSL isn’t my first language, or that I grew up in an hearing family not a deaf one. I explored where has this come from, and this has come from my perception of the deaf community and its culture. Growing up, the deaf community, I feel has been isolated to those who grew up in deaf families and BSL is the first language. Now time and technology has opened up the community to more people. After all deaf people come from all different backgrounds; some are born deaf, some become deaf in later life, some speak/sign/lip read, some are born into deaf culture and some are not, and you can be a part of the deaf community and still be hearing…
I have met many people feeling the same thing…
I need to ignore these perceptions of mine and focus on the positive… The deaf clubs are welcoming, and inclusive (most of the time), I can use sign language, and yes, it is not fluent but I got to start somewhere. Also I am Deaf… just like everyone within the deaf community. Only I have my own journey/story to how I gained my Deaf identity.
Well, today has been a fun day! Been to see my consultant today for my 6 monthly check up. (Those who read my blog post regularly would know I've had 2 operation and face further hearing loss.) At my last check up last year everything was fine and things were looking promising, but not this time round. There have been further hearing loss, which was a blow! I actually thought I was lucky for a change! They want me to try and adjust to using one hearing aid. For me this will be hard as already feel like I’m missing a limb.
I know I’ve always said that I would be fine if I were to lose more of my hearing, but it doesn’t mean it need to be fun! I still find it hard, I get full of fear and anxiety but not towards to the hearing loss but to my future. I have no control and this doesn’t sit well with me.
Overall I struggle as to where I place my emotions - I’m angry but there’s no one to blame. I don’t want to take it out on others as it’s not their fault but at the same time it’s not mine too! So where can I place it! I’m not exactly the most forth coming person when it comes to expressing my emotions. I don’t find it easy to talk about things that upset me.
All I can do is wake up tomorrow and move forward like I always do! I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who are supportive - friends, family and those whom I have the pleasure of working with. I am not alone.
Who says being deaf needs to be easy - Its a challenge. A challenge that I will face head on!
People say how can you be proud of a ‘disability’ because the term disability invokes the thought that people are dis-able to do something, in my case the ability to hear. So why am I proud to be deaf?? My deafness has given me strength, and without my pride in my deaf identity I wouldn’t be where I am today. It has been a long difficult journey to my own acceptance. When I was a kid I hated, i mean really hated being deaf, and because of this I hated myself because I was broken, different to everyone else. You could I ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would tell you I wanted to be hearing. As a child we were bombarded with the message we can be anything we wanted to be, we just had to work hard! I can never be hearing, and for me as a child/teenager was a hard thing to really deal with. I then believed that I would be nothing, having no confidence in myself. I never loved myself nor believe that someone else could, so I never let other people be there for me emotionally. I became withdrawn into myself. This then all changed smile emoticon I met other deaf people, learn sign language and alongside this I learned to love myself and because of this I became strong. I currently face the prospect of losing all of my residual hearing one day….. and you know what!? Its okay! I am going to be okay! Being deaf is a big part of my life and who I am. I may not be able to hear with my ears but I can hear with my eyes!
