I’m not sure if it is just me, but I don’t get how people can talk all day, everyday. I don’t like it. I start to feel suffocated. I try to explain this to the certain people that do want to talk to me all day everyday, and for a while they are fine and calm down, but very slowly they start to do it again which is really annoying. I’m not going to change, it’s who I am. I’m not a people person. It’s not like it’s even the first time i’ve told them about it, so then they wonder why I get annoyed.. Which then makes me feel bad, but shouldn’t they feel bad for doing something constantly which they know the other person doesn’t like? 

Should be starting methotrexate on wednesday.. I hope I can, Want to get better!! 

I’m itchy, constantly. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t itchy, it’s driving me crazy.
All the dermatologist have to say is, “keep putting your cream on” Well the cream obviously doesn’t work otherwise I wouldn’t of been on toxic drugs for the past 3 years. Putting cream on already irritated skin just makes it worse, even just moisturiser.. But the dermatologists can’t seem to understand that, unless I’m the only one who experiences this.
I’m tired, I don’t want to sleep because when I sleep I scratch, I wake myself up scratching, or my sheets have stook to me from blood and weeping sores so I move then it rips. It just seems never ending.
No one ever thinks that eczema can be this life altering but it is, it affects everything about my life, from not being able to go in then sun due to medications I’m on, what I eat, what I wear.. It’s horrible and nothing seems to be working to get it better. Rant over.

It doesn’t even seem like I can keep a friend these days, let alone ever find a boyfriend. 

Once again it has been a while since I have posted on here but I am hoping that now I have an actual computer, not a laptop that I keep dropping, that I will be posting a lot more. 

Not much has gone on really, i’m still ill but not so heartbroken any more which is a good thing I suppose, finally think I may actually be getting over him. Still depressed and anxious plus ive gained weight due to being on steroids for a prolong amount of time. I keep trying to stay positive, but its really fucking hard too, I know things could be a lot worse but they could also be a lot better, I think what gets to me the most is the fact that there is just no end in sight with my illness, especially as none of the medication that they use for my condition works on me, 

It’s weird, I wanted to be over you for so long and now I am. Finally. But I miss my feelings for you, I used to talk to you whenever I felt down,and somehow you would make it better, but now I try talking to you and I just don’t feel anything. 

What I really want:

Someone to stab my foot.

Well,

About 3 weeks ago I had a really really bad ear infection, and still haven’t got the hearing I had back! What makes it harder is that the ear infection was in my good ear. I’ve got both hearing aids in but doesn’t make much of difference, other than helping with my balance. 

I coped rather well, having to rely on my worst ear which has 95Db loss, but I am getting tired and fed up now. Really fed up! 

Even more at work, and to be honest it is started to knock my confidence I have in myself as a worker. I feel like i’m a burden, and I’m not functioning to my best ability. Previously I could just about managed the phones but now I am not using phones which I feel hampers my work as I use phone a lot. I know that my colleagues are understanding, but I still cant help feeling inadequate. Every time the phone rings, it reminds me what I cant do. Hence the knock on the confidence.

I should focus on what my strengths are and what I can do instead…. but it is hard!

Recently my old thoughts have snuck back….. “If only I was hearing”

I am proud of my deafness and what I have achieved, but the old insecurities are sneaking in. I’m awareness this is a result of me being fed up!!! Cant wait to get the hearing I had previously come back.

Tinnitus doesn’t help either!!!!! 

It basically focuses on the premise that sugar is more addictive than cocaine and because it’s legal for all ages, it contributes to childhood obesity.

They also show immorality of food corporations advertising to kids specifically. The babies who start drinking formula with added sugars and the kids who are influenced by ads on tv get addicted to sugar at an early age and don’t even stand a chance. Looking back on my childhood, I’m glad my mother and grandparents were educated enough to start me off with a healthy childhood. I never watched tv (so no enticing food commercials) and never ate potato chips, juice boxes, or soda. My mother didn’t give us money for school lunch, so I was spared in that way too (we ate power bars).

I’m frustrated with the public school lunches shown in Fed Up because they literally serve Pizza Hut pizza, McDonalds burgers and fries to the kids. But even if parents can’t change the good their kids get in school, you’d think they could make sure breakfast, snack, and dinner were healthy. There’s a girl on the documentary who is obese at 12 - she is too young for weight watchers, so her parents decided that they could help her lose weight (mainly by increasing exercise, not cleaning up her diet). The mother buys low fat products etc. but there are shots of the girl eating Nutella (with the mother in the background!!) and burgers and fries. And the child is surprised and depressed by the fact that she hasn’t lost any weight.

Hopefully the obese children and their families interviewed in the documentary have actually watched it because as a vegan in my ealry 20s, I’m very removed from the world of children and of fast food, yet I’m saddened and frustrated by the whole thing.

Ok rant over - I only have power over what I do. I am going to cut down on the zero calorie sodas I drink with alcohol and look more closely at the sugar content in my food.

PSD won our elections after years of legalizing corruption and doing nothing. And some extreme right party got a lot of votes from out of nowhere. Romania is done. Another four years of shit, building up to a lifetime of shit. This was our chance, but hey, we didn’t want to vote. Okay. Now this country is over. I’m out.

Surgery update (in rant form. Sorry)

On Saturday, I had what’s called an EUA, or endoscopy under anaesthetic, in order to see what was going on in my jpouch. It showed the entrance was narrowed by a stricture and there was some liquid in it so they inserted a drain. The doctor who performed it tried to stretch the stricture with his finger (I didn’t know this until later).

Afterwards, all seemed fine for a bit until I started getting pains in my lower abdomen and near my rectum/pelvic floor. As it turns out, when try to stretch the stricture, the doctor had accidentally created a hole in my pouch and there is now an infection in the cavity behind it (to say my surgeon was not happy about this would be an understatement). “Fortunately”, the drain had gone through the hole as well and was trying to drain the waste that has leaked though. It was painful but they couldn’t do anything until the next day (Tuesday) at the earliest.

The plan, as far as I knew it, was to have an EUA so my surgeon could assess the damage. Once this was done I’d then have surgery to have a permanent stoma put in. I was told that I’d have the EUA this morning (Wednesday) and then the stoma surgery this afternoon.

That hasn’t happened. It turns out there was some miscommunication between my surgeon and another Dr. What is actually happening is my surgeon is performing the EAU this afternoon and I am last on his list. Fine. The stoma surgery will be scheduled for later this week, most likely.

What was said would happen but hasn’t (by the other Dr) is that I was first on the list to have the EAU and that it “didn’t matter” if the drain had fallen out this morning (which it did but hasn’t caused any issues). There was no mention of when the stoma surgery would be, only that they might not even have to do it. (My surgeon has already said going back to a stoma would be what’s best for me at this point).

I am struggling now as I’ve done nothing but lay around and wait for someone to take me for a test or scan or tell me some results. It’s tiring and I’m fed up. I want this fixed so I can go home and continue living

Having the worst fucking week and everyone just keeps adding to the shit :(

I write because no one LISTENS.

Maydora day 2 : The Racers of Penzance, beginning

2 intros of theatre-themed episodes I had already treated last year, done ! Before getting to become a pirate and when having to be a sailor in those ridiculous clothes for her beeeeloved sister in that play that chants her glory, you can bet she’d have been less than thrilled. You also bet she’d have loved sabotage it along with Dick