#girl diary
My fifth week on university and I am just wating for the rest of the weeks to pass on. I feel tired, I just don’t have time to do what I was used to. I feel lonely, because my ex-boyfriend is not speaking to me (just to be clear we broke up because of distance). I feel used by guys, I had sex with two of them yesterday and was nothing compared to what I imagined. I feel embarrased because of my weight. I feel stressed because of my classes.
Anything else?
It just seems so easy at movies, but it really isn’t. I hate the feeling of needing some kind of love or attention. Can I just be a strong and independent woman who doesn’t need a man? My christmas, new year’s and birthday wish would be exactly that.
I am just going to write some lyrics from Lana del Rey. I just feel them so much.
I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them. (…) My memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.
(…) When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I’d been living, they asked me why, but there’s no use in talking to people who have home. They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.
I was always an unusual girl.
(…) And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying… Because I was born to be the other woman. Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.
Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.
I just feel the need to write about how I feel, because nothing is more clear to me as it is in this moment. Here and now.
I don’t know if what I felt was love, I can’t say it, I just feel the need to be with someone, as everyone is hoping or looking for, it’s just that they don’t admit it.
Is it too difficult to just realize you need to be with someone to feel fullfilled? I think we just need to be honest with each other. Even a whore wants to feel love or “wanted” by someone. Each one of us wants that feeling, each one of us wants to feel FULLFILLED.
