Caring too much about someone who doesn’t give a shit about you is probably the most painful feeling in the world

My fifth week on university and I am just wating for the rest of the weeks to pass on. I feel tired, I just don’t have time to do what I was used to. I feel lonely, because my ex-boyfriend is not speaking to me (just to be clear we broke up because of distance). I feel used by guys, I had sex with two of them yesterday and was nothing compared to what I imagined. I feel embarrased because of my weight. I feel stressed because of my classes.

Anything else?

2nd and 3rd day

Yesterday was hard but I only ate because a guy asked me out and we order one drink for each other so I had to eat or probably get drunk as fuck lol (it was an amazonic drink). The rest of the day I try not to eat anything but tea and 8 water cookies.

Today was easier. I only had some chicken and a banana, until my grandma gave me hot chocolate and pannetonne but I threw it up an hour ago.

I dont do this very often but everytime I received bad news my anguish kills me until I do it.

Today bad news: One of my guys suddenly posted a photo with a girl that seems to be her new girlfriend. (We stopped talking on wednesday).

we fell in love because of our differences,

we believed in opposites attract.

but now it feels like two worlds colliding,

and i dont know if we can handle the shake.

dismissive attachment style.

I’m broken. Not broken as in wanting someone to come and fix me. I’m broken because I believe there’s nothing wrong with me yet I’m hurting the people around me. I’m broken because I choose to let go of people when things get too rocky. I’m broken because walking away is more appealing to me than solving issues. I truly cannot accept the fact that someone loves me so much they want to be with me forever. I cannot believe someone will actually fight for me. It does not make sense in my head and I don’t know when I’ll finally open up to you. My friend told me that maybe sometimes I picked fights with you to see if you truly care about me. Sometimes I wonder if this relationship is even worth changing myself for. But you really are someone I do not want to let go of. You are someone I do not want to walk away from. You are someone I see myself opening up to.

i know its painful when someone you thought will be your forever just turns out to be another heartbreak. its hard to let go of someone who made you feel safe and needed. maybe you’ll even promise that you will never love another again.

but you will be okay. you will pick yourself up once more, like you always have. you’ll learn to let go and continue your own path.

i hope you’re able to see the love around you again.

for once i just want to love someone without the fear of being unloved.

you were the main character in my story

i felt like the happiest girl in the world for a month

but turns out our romance ends in chapter nineteen

and soon you disappeared from my life

i wonder why i have to look away when you glance at me. i wonder why i have to pretend to be unbothered when we accidentally touch. i wonder why i have to act like i dont care about you even when you’re the only person i want to protect forever.

i thought love doesnt have to be complicated?

you dont know how sick you were until you detach yourself from the environment that gave you the disease. you dont know how shitty you were treated until you let go of all the negative beliefs and habits that you developed. you dont know how strong you were until you realised that you have held on for so long and survived.

thank you for giving me the privilege to love you and i really hope i was worth your time.

i know i should not have fallen in love with you. we will never be together and that your heart belongs to someone else.

but what am i suppose to do when words are stuck in the back of my throat every time you smile at me? what am i suppose to do when my breathing stops whenever you lean in close to me? what am i suppose to do when i feel lightheaded every time you say my name?

and the worst part is that you dont even like girls. you hold so much power over me without even knowing it.

though we didnt have a happy ending, i never once regret the time we spent together. i dont think neither of us expected our future to be this way, none of us thought we would get separated from each other. i wish we had more opportunities but at least i got to experience what its like to be loved by you.

i swear i would do anything just to touch you again. i would give up everything if that means i get to see that smile of yours for the last time. i would happily rest in peace if i have the chance to tell you how much i loved you just once more. why is life so unfair?

i wonder what would happen if we ever meet again. would you be happy to see me? or would you just treat me like another stranger crossing the road?

i used to love airplanes. i loved going to the airport and packing my suitcases. i used to crave escaping to a different point of view and meeting strangers from all around the world.

that was before i met you. that was before i had to say goodbye to you while staring hopelessly at your sad smile. i never thought i’d look at you in that state and i never want to experience that heartbreak ever again. that was all before i had to feel what its like to be an ocean away from you.

how i wish im still as naive as before.

Looking back, I think the hardest thing about letting you go wasn’t the fact that I had to forget about you. Truth be told, I have not forgotten about how head over heels i was for you at all. In fact, I still think about the possibilities of us being together in the future sometimes. However, what took me so long to accept was that I wasn’t in love with you. I didn’t know you at all and I still don’t. I was in love with the thought of you, a daydream of you in my head. I was in love with my imagination and it was selfish of me to paint a picture of you that may not even exist. Sometimes I wonder if you have even helped me to become a better person or was it my own mind that gave me the courage. Regardless of the answer, I’m still happy that I got the chance to love you.

i said i wanna die yet i still look both ways before crossing the road. i said i hate myself yet i still fight to get out of bed every morning. i said im done with everyone yet i still check up on my friends to make sure they are all okay.

maybe there’s still a tiny part of me that wants to hold on.

maybe i still have a little bit of hope left.

Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I feel your presence everywhere. I see you in strangers’ faces and I let myself pretend that they’re you, just so I can see you again. You’re the song I’m listening to and I let myself believe that we’re listening to the same radio. You’re in every book I read and every sentence feel like they’re written just for me, like you’re talking directly to me. It’s stupid but I never brush off these tricks because they make me feel closer to you.

i wonder if you still smile unconsciously when you think of me.

or am i a fool for still holding on?

I don’t want to forget you, but I don’t know how to think about you without it hurting.

-Samantha Camargo