i know its v unlikely at this point but i would go insane if they made a Jiang Cheng spin off movie it could literally just be him doing paperwork for an hour and a half and i would watch the shit out of it
LOOK the TAXES ARE DUE, OKAY?! Fucking Sect Leader Ouyang has been bitching about tariffs for the last three– yes, quickly what is it?… whAT?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN JIANG HAO IS TEACHING A WATER GHOUL HOW TO DO SOMERSAULTS?!! FUCKIng… *leaves desk* *distant yelling* *lightning crackles* *more yelling* *stomps back to desk* – What was I saying? Oh, right. Where the fuck is my abacus… HAS ANYONE SEEN MY ABACUS?… A-Mei did WHAT with the beads?! HAIR DECORATIONS?! MOther of F– *stomps away from desk* *comes back with new abacus* –Buddha on a bike, doesn’t ANYONE care that if I turn these reports in late AGAIN fucking Jin Guangshan will make snide comments at the next conference even though he wouldn’t even read my reports if I had Nie Huaisang draw fucking porn all over them… WHAT NOW?… No. NO. Tell them I said no and if they do it anyway I will make them organize the lotus seed harvest by siZE and then substitute-teach meditation class for the six year olds for the next five weeks. Tell them to disobey me. Tell them I DARE them to disobey me. Uh huh. yEAH that’s what I thought… Where’s my fucking calligraphy brush… WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS INVOICE FROM CAIYI TOWN?!?!?? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU MISBEGOTTEN GREMLINS DO??????
OKAY here we go. This is what I want out of my The Office meet Slings and Arrows Shakespeare workplace comedy:
The Lord Chamberlain’s Men, later the King’s Men:
Riz AhmedasWilliam Shakespeare, stuttering, stammering disaster person who frequently finishes plays while they’re already being rehearsed. Loves yelling at Ben Jonson. Loves Cuthbert Burbage even though Cuthbert hates him.
John ChoasRichard Burbage, handsome leading man extraordinaire.
Steven YeunasCuthbert Burbage, the only member of the company with any shred of cognitive executive function. Constantly on the verge of tears. Sets The Globe on fire at least once so he can take a nap.
Kit HarringtonasAugustine Phillips, comically handsome male ingenue. Extra long floppy hair is a MUST. Takes his shirt off at least once an episode. Dumb as a pile of bricks, but a brilliant actor because he literally has no thoughts.
Melissa McCarthyasWill Kempe, the physical comedian and Shakespeare’s favorite. Has personally broken nine different parts of The Globe because of over committing to physical stunts. Brews moonshine in the tiring rooms. The chaos muppet to end all chaos muppets. Cuthbert hates her more than Will.
Kate McKinnonasRobert Armin, player of all the “professional fools.” Brews moonshine in the dressing room and asks the most annoying plot clarity questions. Shakespeare has personally thrown fifteen pairs of mud caked boots at her head.
Sam RichardsonasJohn Heminges, company workhorse. Plays parts like Lenox, Camillo, and Horatio. Just wants everyone to get along. Makes sensible suggestions that are routinely ignored.
RettaasHenry Condell, Cuthbert Burbage’s soul ally. Says “Please remember we have to make SOME money” at every single company meeting
The boy actors: just kidnap all the kids from Stranger Things and call it a day. Including Millie Bobby Brown. (especially Millie Bobby Brown)
Nick Offerman as Geoffrey, the company prop’s master. Shakespeare is simultaneously in love with and terrified of him. Only stays with the company because he loves Kempe’s moonshine.
Outside the company:
Daveed DiggsasChristopher Marlowe, preferably wearing the Elizabeth version of whatever the fuck this is
Rainn WilsonasBen Jonson, Dwight Schrute of the Elizabethan/Jacobean era.
Geoffrey RushasPhillip Henslowe, wearing the exact same thing he wore in Shakespeare in Love because I want no one else in this part ever.
Miranda RichardsonasQueen Elizabeth I because honestly her Elizabeth in Blackadder is demented and perfect
Ben SchwarzasKing James I, played as a slightly less unhinged version of Jean-Ralphio Saperstein.
Bex is “outlining the pilot” but I just mainlined a bunch of B99 so here’s some episode ideas:
- Kempe and Armin, to help continue a con, have possession of the two polar bear cubs recently transported to England. They hide them under the stage with a pile of Richard Burbage’s dried meat snacks (for his muscles). The bear cubs get out during a rehearsal for a play because of course Geoffrey found it easier to find real sheep for Will’s new play: A Winter’s Tale and they got hungry. Chaos ensues as Augustine Phillips is found to be allergic to bear fur and gets hives right before the evening performance, forcing Will to perform in his place.
- Flashback episode where the company casts Augustine Phillips to the company after a half-hearted casting call round the local pubs. They finally just employ the last person Marlowe kicked out of bed the week before. Meanwhile, Cuthbert and Richard Burbage are on a hunt to secure funding for their next show from a rich widow whose demands grow ever more ludicrously erotic as she imagines Richard starring opposite herself in the lead role. No male goes fully clothed the entire episode, because Art.
- Queen Elizabeth wants a political play, so Cuthbert and Condell encourage their friend Will, who has only written bloody slasher plays to this date, to lay his neck out on the words. In the meantime, Kempe and Armin silently jockey for brewing space in the backstage area of the theater.
- John Heminges has to fill in, over the course of a week of chaos, for every single part in A Comedy of Errors.
- Geoffrey’s mounting megalomania about increasingly dangerous props echoes the themes of the play Will is stuck on writing: Macbeth.
- How The End of Cymbeline Got Written: A Mockumentary by The Boy Actors.
- Christopher Marlowe’s love life, spy life, and theater life collide when he needs to hide his lover for a few weeks from Elizabeth’s men. Asking Will for a favor, he remarks on the similarities between Augustine Phillips and his current lover, because he really Has A Type. Can The Globe hide him in plain sight? Condell plots to do a sideline portraiture of the two of them in tasteful nudes to pay off a creditor. The play? Twelfth Night.
-Someone(coughArmincough) accidentally brings Will’s dirty sonnets to rehearsal and proceed to act them out. Cuthbert attempts to burn down The Globe to prevent him from ever having to imagine those things, prevented by John Heminges, who has his own side plot of averting an assassination of Kind James I when he dutifully tries to return a lost hat to a groundling.
I’m sure I’ll come up with more as the weeks go on. No, none of these are historically researched or accurate but like, why.
- Production grinds to a screeching halt when Cuthbert flatly refuses to pay for actual portable trees for Macbeth and Geoffrey refuses to make trees that aren’t an accurate size or height and Shakespeare refuses to cut the scene. Meanwhile, Armin and Kempe are asked to teach the boy actors how to fence and instead accidentally sign them up to fight at the cock fighting pit next door. Condell is forced to come to the rescue.
- Crippled by writer’s block, Shakespeare spends an entire month getting drunk and heckling Ben Jonson’s plays. It culminates in a slapfight at the Mermaid Tavern. Later, they get drunk and hook up.
- The company tries to explain the plot of Cymbeline to Augustine Phillips, who is unfortunately playing Posthumous. Shakespeare lasts 5 minutes. Richard lasts a full day. Cuthbert punches him in the stomach after 30 minutes and runs screaming into the night. Condell makes it two days. Heminges actually cries. Armin and Kempe try to tag team it and end up in a fistfight. Miraculously, the boy players succeed. Cuthbert Burbage almost hands the company over to them on the spot.
- ANNE HATHAWAY IS COMING TO VISIT. Everyone is forced to pitch in and hide Shakespeare’s many lovers across the city. They ultimately fail when they bump into Marlowe and he invites her to have a threesome.
- The company goes on a forced tour round the immediate countryside during the plague summer. Will eats some mushrooms and hallucinates a Midsummer Night’s Dream. Richard Burbage is caught sneaking out of the tavern owner’s wife’s bed. Augstine Phillips is caught sneaking out of the stable lad’s quarters. Kempe and Armin are caught as part of what might be an orgy but no one wants to ask, given the donkey. The Boy Actors are confronted with the horrors of rural living.
- Queen Elizabeth decides to come to The Globe instead of ordering a performance brought to her. She gives them 4 hours lead time, two weeks ahead of opening night. No, Will hadn’t finished the play yet.
- The Boy Actors drop all the fencing foils into the Thames because Geoffrey is withholding snacks during scene breaks. Unionization is discussed. Hamlet still goes on as scheduled, despite the lack of real swords. Several improbable props are improvised as murder weapons in the final scene.
- Will’s ex-lover Antonio comes back from Time Abroad and Oh No He’s Hot. Condell attempts to—without permission—enforce phony licenses and fees on snack purveyors at The Globe, ending in a Traumatic Pie Scene.
- Marlowe bets Will he can’t stay celibate for a month. Condell bets Geoffrey that he can’t get Will to sleep Augustine, while accepting money from Marlowe on the side to break Will’s bet. Geoffrey convinces Augustine to pretend to be interested in Cuthbert, who has to be paid off, in order to arouse jealousy in Will. This backfires when it’s revealed that Will has no interest in Augustine, but rather on Cuthbert. Meanwhile, he’s writing Taming of the Shrew. Heminges runs the books.
if my bones are gonna crack like glow sticks every time i move i think i deserve bioluminescence. both to complete the aesthetic and as a consolation prize
Enough foxes and tigers and shibes I want some weird-ass boys!!!!!! The veiled chameleon raptor is so good I want that energy for the skyscale. I love big wacky skins that totally obscure the rig underneath !!!!
Anet give me a smokescale jackal skin or give me death
anet give me this, I’m not willing to refine my concepts you get the jist
Basic Premise: Alfred after suffering from another dizzy spell relises that he will not be able to be the Wanye Manor Butler for much longer. He gets the idea that hiring, training a handful of promising footmen that would later be tested and judge to become the new Wayne Manor Butler.
After much arguing with Burce that he cannot simply pick up Alfred’s slack (Alfred does a lot more than just cook and clean) and an agreement that the new trainees are on a very strict need to know basis about all aspects of the Wayne Family and no know policy about the Batfam. Alfred is giving permission to conduct his side project.
Alfred proceeds to pick five people from various work backgrounds:
Booker - A former highly skilled and acclaimed bulter who use to love the service industry but after being blacklisted by Gothman elites he used to work for Has become bitter and hateful to his former passion and is currently an accountant.
Luciana - A recently laid off maid who’s worked in all forms of service: concierge, cook, housekeeping, childcare, uber driver ect. She’s never had the money to take butlering courses but has always wanted to.
Jeremy - A clumsy, mess of a very nice busboy who was a beat cop but after an attack left out of fear and lingering trauma.
Kevin - Freelancer has no experience with service but has tons of expertise in more under the table services hacking, martial arts, weapons, (All things more on the Batman side of things)
Andrews- Former henchwomen for many B-list Gotham villains who deiced to change her life around after an encounter with one of the Batfam (I never figured out who) now works for a nonprofit organization helping people leave or keep out of falling into violent crime groups.
The comic is mainly focused on what Alfred does which is taking care of the Manor, planning parties, dealing with nosy gossip reporters, gardening, cooking, social media, serving at parties, wardrobe management, schedule keeping, car maintenance, setting a table, bulter stuff ect.
Later on in the 2nd and 3rd act of the comic, it starts to slide into more of what Alfred does as Batman’s butler. Like how to buy weapons-grade supplies without drawing the attention of police enforcement, hacking, surgery, weapon training, and light self-defense. (Tho this comic never becomes a superhero fighting group it’s strickly a slice of life kind of comic)
Over the course of the comic, the Footmen slowly meet the Wayne Family first as their alter egos and later on as their superhero egos and during these times each footman start a bond with a specific bat family member. As time goes on that bond becomes stronger in till in the final act.
When each footman is being been pitted against each other for their various skills for the title of Wayne Bulter. (Very much in a tournament setting lol) Where mid-test they realize they don’t want or not really need to be the Wanye bulter they want to be in service to that specific batfamily member and they drop out of the competition.
Whereby at the end of the comic there are no footmen left to take the mantle of Batman’s Bulter but Alfred but by that time Burce (after his own character growth in this comic) has accepted that the batfamily and support butlers can take care of Gotham and he can finally rest and retire releasing Alfred from having to be a bulter himself.
They’re a lot more little ideas fleshing out this main premise that I might post about later but this was pretty long so end with just the main points.
Gosh, how much do I wish that this drama, Fallen Angel, were available with Eng subs! Apparently it was, at one point, on YT but it was taken down and now I only found it with Romanian subs (of all things!) so… Well, at least these I can google translate? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
But,@reivenesque, you would love it! There’s no romance at all, it’s just three brothers on the run from some really bad people. And the youngest one, the one that the bad guys want and the big bros are protecting, is played by young Kitamura Takumi!
There’s so much whump and so much brotherly love and… it’s just about perfect! Just… not Eng subbed ಥ_ಥ
Girl you’re looking at Kitamura Takumi but I am completely preoccupied with looking at his eldest brother cause that is Kazuki Kato, one of my two all time Tenimyu crushes.
You absolutely need to look up his music cause man has a voice like an angel.
