thethirdtreeofvalinor:

Whenever someone asks Elrond about his parentage, Mamma Mia just starts playing faintly in the background

You have to talk to real, living, breathing people here. No, I’m not calling you “Bloodstained”, what are you, seventy-five?

- Gwindor “had enough of this teenage angst” Guilinion, to Túrin “Edgelord” Húrinion, The Children of Húrin

What good is disappearing into thin air if I can’t use it as a ‘fuck you’ to all the people I was too nice to say ‘fuck you’ to before?

- Bilbo Baggins, considering the implications of spoons, The Lord of the Rings, book I, chapter II

Let me get this straight. I defeated a minor god and you’re hassling me over a parking ticket?

- Samwise Gamgee, having had enough of this shit, The Lord of the Rings, book VI, chapter VIII

-Peregrin “Pippin” Took, to Gandalf, on his oath of service to Denethor, the Lord of the Rings, book V, chapter II

I didn’t send Glorfindel because he glows when he gets mad. Do you think you can manage to be a little less conspicuous than that?

- Elrond, in mental conversation with Gandalf, during a discussion about the necessity of subtlety while on the Quest, The Lord of the Rings, book II, chapter III

I’m gonna have to put you on hold, I need to throw some fireballs at a wolf pack.

- Gandalf, in mental conversation with Elrond, during a discussion about the necessity of subtlety while on the Quest, The Lord of the Rings, book II, chapter III

Welcome to Quenya, where the homophones are artificially created and it just takes one rude motherfucker to create a whole new dialect.

- Curufinwë “Fëanor” Fëanáro, in his private and less than private conversations, The Shibboleth of Fëanor

Welcome to the family. We argue with gods, we commit murder, and we have strong opinions on property law.

- Maedhros, to a newly “adopted” Elrond and Elros, the Silmarillion, Of the Voyage of Eärendil and the War of Wrath

So I stuck my head in the door and I swear he was trying to artificially manufacture a star or something, and I was weirded out, you know? And I said “uh, what are you working on?” because I couldn’t think of what the fuck else to say while I’m staring at this gleaming ring of light hanging in the fucking air over his desk, and he kind of looks at me funny and says “trying to stop the heat death of the universe”, and he’s completely fucking serious. Totally deadpan. And all of a sudden I remembered who his grandfather was and long story short, Celebrimbor might be nice but that doesn’t make him less Fëanorian.

- Ereinion Artanáro Gil-galad, High King of the Noldor East of the Sea, to Círdan the Shipwright, on the forging projects of Celebrimbor of Ost-in-Edhil, Unfinished Tales, the History of Galadriel and Celeborn

- Lúthien Tinúviel, to Sauron, the Silmarillion, Of Beren and Lúthien

If anybody tells you I got picked because of my easygoing nature they’re bullshitting you. I got sent to Middle-Earth because I’m the only Maia of Nienna who believes in smacking people on the head when they’re being stupid, and I regret nothing.

- Gandalf, in conversation with Frodo and Aragorn, The Lord of the Rings, book VI, chapter IV

I mean, for me personally it’s emblematic of hubris and misplaced trust and misguided loyalty? But I’ve definitely outgrown those flaws. So yeah, let’s slap it on there.

- Tyelperinquar “Celebrimbor” Curufinwion, to Narvi of Khazad-dûm, regarding his family’s star and the Doors of Durin, Unfinished Tales, The History of Galadriel and Celeborn

- Beren, to Túrin, comparing notes on their respective elvish love interests in the afterlife, the Silmarillion, Of Túrin Turambar

Elrond on October the 25th of T.A 3018, at the Council of Elrond, that was called and led by Elrond himself, in Elronds hidden mystical valley, where Elrond is currently hosting literally every single person in attendance:

Oropher: Thranduil and I have a ‘love hate’ sort of relationship.

Oropher: I love him

Oropher: And he hates me.

One of the many, many, things that confuses people about Galion and Thranduil’s overall relationship -  and perhaps the most jarring of them all - is usually the way that Galion speaks to and with Thranduil. He isn’t aggressive or anything, but he also certainly doesn’t speak  to Thranduil the way that somebody who’s entire job is to LITERALLY be at his beck and call. Around company he formalizes a bit, addresses him by a few fancy titles here and there, maybe a bow or two. 

But when there is no company the only time that he refers to Thranduil with officality is when he’s mad at him. Like when couples fight and call each other by their first name instead of nicknames.  

Also, generally speaking he is basically the only one who can speak to Thranduil with an attitude or disrespect. Except for Ferdan, but it’s physically impossible for him to NOT say something with an attitude. 

Some of the various sentences Elrond has heard over time that nearly made him explode with anxiety at what Thranduil’s response would be only to be extremely underwhelmed each time include but are not limited to: 

“What? Why would you do that? You’re so stupid sometimes.” 

“Excuse me? Speak to me like that again and I’ll pour this entire pot of tea over your head.” 

“Stop talking, I don’t care what you have to say.” 

“You’re not the boss of me.” 

 “What is your problem? Huh?” 

“Absolutely not, and if you try anything I’m gong to get your own army to lock you up in your own dungeon until you come to your senses.“

"If I didn’t hate starting new jobs so much, I would have poisoned you long ago.”

growingingreenwood:

Sauron in his tower during the events of the Lord of the Rings:

Legolas: At home whenever I feel like everything’s gone wrong, I think of something that I can still be thankful for.

Aragorn: No offense Legolas, but what on Arda could you possibly find to be thankful for during those times?

Legolas: The simple fact that Spiders don’t fly :)

Gimli: I think that’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said.

Gandalf: He’s still angry with me?

Gandalf: Well then I’ll just sneak off to Valinor without seeing him, a few centuries ought to dampen even his anger.

*Meanwhile, elsewhere in Middle Earth*

Thranduil:

Galion: What happened to Celeborn being your favorite cousin?

Thranduil: You know, I’m fairly certain that he’s the only cousin who made it out of the Second Age.

growingingreenwood:

Legolas makes everyone uncomfortable with nihilistic jokes episode 10:

Pippin: Legolas do you ever get tired?

Legolas: Of existing, mostly.

Boromir, covering Pippins ears with a scandalized expression: Not in front of the baby.

Sam, covering Frodos ears: Yeah, Mister Legolas Sir, not in front of the baby.