Furniture is off limits, at least without male permission. Dogs and other pets are often not allowed on furniture to not ruin it. We have sharp and long nails and often very wet pussies to go along with them. Of course, many men don`t want their furniture ruined by a careless girl.
So be good and stay off furniture until a man allows you to sit. Sometimes men will want to keep you standing in your heels, sometimes you will be allowed to kneel down - don`t ever act on your own impulses, always defer to men.
Sitting down always requires explicit male permission!
Wheaton’s Law, of course, is don’t be a dick. It’s not a bad one to live your life by.
So. When we talk, in D/s in general and hypnosis in particular, about limits and/or boundaries, what we’re talking about is stuff that’s a no-no. I have one irregular subject at present with whom the rule is: No touching. Another online subject has the rule: No image capture.
But! A lot of the hypnokink scene is about pushing boundaries. We love the fantasy of compelling others to do what they wouldn’t, or being compelled to do something they wouldn’t. It’s why interrogation play is popular, say, and why hypnotic blackmail is a (slightly weird, but hey) thing. There’s a transgressive element to the fetish, and in fantasy that’s often given full rein in a non-consensual fasion.
In real life, it shouldn’t be.
To play with this idea of pushing boundaries, the concept of a soft limit has evolved. I’m always surprised when I get fanmail asking about what I consider a basic concept, but I forget that I’ve been doing this since 2001, and that that gives me a large bank of knowledge which actually isn’t standard, so while most of you know what a soft limit is, here it is:
A soft limit is something where the subject will resist, but where the subject doesn’t mind losing the battle. A subject might define that differently between two hypnotists, trusting one more in this area, one more in that other area, dependant upon their rapport, their relationship, what the subject knows about each hypnotist.
(IMPORTANT NOTE - Hypnotists also have limits. I don’t do humiliation as its own kink. I don’t enjoy it, except as a minor aspect to access another kink, and I don’t do it. It’s often forgotten that the limits question goes both ways, and the worst kind of sub is as bad for pushing the wrong boundaries as the worst kind of dom.)
Soft limits are contrasted with hard limits. Hard limits are a flat no-no. For whatever reason. One subject I’ve worked with can’t risk anything that might put her job at risk, so anything likely to identify her is out, but is fine with certain kinds of imagery being recorded, say. Another might just really not find any appeal in the idea of, say, bimbo play, and shut that down. Still another might enjoy experiencing bimbofication through hypnosis but hate the idea of experiencing certain of the relevant body modifications, even as a short term altered perception.
And that’s fine. That’s kind of the point - they don’t want to do that. You don’t make someone do something they don’t want to.
Now.
Just as a subject may have different limits, hard or soft, with different hypnotists, their limits, hard and soft, may change over time. They may become more open to new things and they may become more specific; I’ve seen both. Sometimes you try a suggestion you think they’ll enjoy and it sours them on a whole area. Sometimes they watch a movie or read a story and get a new idea. Sometimes, as they build their rapport with a given hypnotist, trust-based barriers lower.
At any of those times, it’s important to check, to be specific, and to proceed very fucking carefully until you have a feel for what’s going on there.
It is, at those times and at all times, important to bear in mind that while sometimes limits change, sometimes they don’t. I’ve made this point elsewhere, but if you enter into a relationship with a subject thinking ‘she doesn’t do cam stuff yet, but she will’ or anything similar, you’re setting that dynamic up to be poisoned as time goes on, you’re setting yourself up to push, etc…
Enter into a hypnotic relationship with someone - this goes for subjects, hypnotists, and those who do both equally - when you’re happy with that relationship as it stands, NOT if you’re only happy with the one you assume it will become. You might be wrong, and you’ll probably end up with, at MINIMUM, hurt feelings and bad memories on each side if you are.
Should a subject decide they’re comfortable enough with you and/or themselves to expand their limits when working with you, be proud. Be honoured. Be grateful. Remember and respect that it’s their choice.
As a side note, over the coming weekend I intend to go back and tag my various advice pieces for easy access, using the hashtag #actually its about ethics in hypnosis
All of a sudden the term “soft limits” is bugging me. What about “limits” and “pretend limits”?
It’s not necessarily that they’re pretend.
Someone once told me they will not orgasm in front of a hypnokink class as a demonstration (planning things out ahead of time)… then, the next day (still before the class), told me they came to the realization that if they were sufficiently revved up enough before and throughout, that it could happen. That’s an example of a soft limit. It’s very conditional, others aren’t allowed to do it, and it requires pushing to make it happen. It’s not that it’s pretend, it’s that it’s fairly conditional, it’s something that can be bent, i.e. by pushing.
Saying something is a “soft limit” isn’t a challenge to push it, if things aren’t right, it would bother them, that’s not “made up,” it legitimately would be bad for the scene, or for them. Not everyone wants their limits pushed every single session/scene. But something being a soft limit gives an option for it to be.
A hard limit, on the other hand, you just don’t go there. Don’t debate the gray area, just don’t go there. Just no.
Something being a soft limit also might mean that it can be bent, but it can’t be outright “broken.” You can get into incredibly gray areas regarding said limit, but don’t blast through it and break it. These kinds of things will vary from person to person, limit to limit, just communicate.
It’s not pretend. It matters. It is a thing that can go in bad directions if done without care. It is something to be more careful about, a limit is a limit, and shouldn’t be called that for the fuck of it.
The use of “soft limit” here is notably DIFFERENT than what I was taught is the definition of a soft limit. This is why it’s so important to always define your terms and make sure you’re on the same page, even if you think you’re talking about simple concepts.
To me, a soft limit is “a thing you don’t want right now, but might be open to later”. You still shouldn’t push a soft limit because it’s something that is explicitly in the “don’t want, consent not given” territory, but it’s an area that is being marked as open to future negotiation. Things that people are interested in but are intimidated by, or they want to know their partner better before they try it, or they’re not AGAINST it but just don’t want to do it, or whatever reason they might label something a soft limit instead of a hard one.
A soft limit (by this definition) is still something that should be treated with caution and care. Don’t push them, don’t pressure people towards them. Treat them as something that is a “No” right now, but that THEY might choose to bring up and renegotiate later. Talk about them, but don’t nag or hassle. Never assume that a soft limit will go on the table as something to do. Always err on the side of caution.
But that’s just how I was introduced to soft limits and hard limits as a concept. Your mileage may vary, and I can’t say that my definition is THE BEST. Talk with your partner (LIKE THEY ARE A PARTNER!) and make sure you’re on the same page.
I feel like soft limits for me are a sort of hybrid of those two ideas; something I don’t want to do now though at some point in the future I might stop caring, but along the way there might also be times when I’m in the mood to dabble.
When I met you, I had a list of limits. We discussed them at great lengths, and you were so receptive and respectful of every single thing I mentioned.
We talked about how I’m a pain wimp, and I request that my Dom checks on my well being if I start crying.
I told you how I refuse to do any sort of bathroom play.
You agreed to work with my difficult cunt, to be gentle and caring.
I shared secrets about myself regarding trauma and terrible experiences.
You were perfect. The way you listened, the way you responded. I don’t think I could have asked for more.
Yet, I look at myself now, claimed wholly by you, and most of those limits are gone.
What an amazing thing - to feel so safe with you and in my place serving you that I have let some of these limits go.
I remember when I told you that you didn’t have to check on me if I started crying. You almost didn’t let me finish saying it. In fact, we had to talk for a while before you finally accepted that it was my decision, and I was fully comfortable with it.
You have never forced yourself upon me or forced me to give up any of my limits.
But here we are. Pushing me through tears as if they aren’t there. Currently working towards training me to piss on command. I regularly clean my plug with my mouth. And every night, I’m preparing for you to fuck my cunt like you would use any other fuckhole.
It’s a little overwhelming at times, but I never feel afraid. I’m the one who breaks down my limits, and no one else. I own my experiences.
Hey Guys and Girls, that is supposed to me profile to know who I am and what im into.
So first of all, I’m into everything I post on this Blog. Literally everything!
As the most can assume I’m on the Dom-Side. But I do play alot with myself.
The highes priority in BDSM-Relationships is trust, at least for me. It gives the ability to push any limits over time. To fully enjoy being yourself, or the toy for someone.
Just to get it clear, I love to dom and play around, but I’m more to Long-Term things. Not just a little session, but something that goes long (well long-term says it itself). Sometimes i make an exception and do some sessions.
Note: I wrote the beginning of this in the middle of trying to decide if I needed to safeword, and I only changed a couple of words afterwards. It’s a pretty good picture of my thought processes and patterns at the time. I was at work and my mind was a fucking mess, so I decided I needed to write something to figure things out. It’s not a super fun piece of writing in large part.
SPOILER: A few hours after I wrote this, although I was still in a fucked up mental state, I did eventually ask, “I’ll still do the rubber bands and I guess the dildo tonight if you want, but is it okay if I say "Red. Pause until I’ve slept.?” Of course, he responded “It’s always OK to use your safewords.”
So, last night I was trying to finish the rest of the 30 minutes of fucking my ass with the dildo. I was dumb, and after my Skyping with MLAM ended, I was dumb and ate (I had barely eaten anything all day) and wrote my assigned post first. It was 5am before I started trying to fulfill my assignment. I was walking from my bedroom to grab the dildo from the kitchen, thinking about what I was going to be doing, when everything just hit me. The last week, the start of my new job, the bad shit from Monday, and most of all, the pure exhaustion from only sleeping 2 hours the night before, and the knowledge that I would be getting that little sleep yet again. I stopped mid-step and collapsed, choked out “I can’t do it.” and started sobbing hard. I eventually got up, still crying, got the dildo and went back to my room. I brushed my teeth and washed my face and kind of laughed at myself for being so silly and crying.
I went back to my room and when I got down on the floor, I was about to stick the dildo down my throat when I started sobbing again. I let loose this time and just lay there, sobbing, curling in on myself like a fetus, and shaking. I thought I couldn’t control it, but then I tried and I did manage to push it down. I stuck the dildo in my mouth and the sobbing started again. Granted, that made everything all mucousy and I did get a fairly slippery dildo out of it. I kept crying, sometimes sobbing, sometimes not, and I started pushing the thing into my hole. The sobbing started up again, along with the fetus curling, so I let go and the dildo popped out. I started a text to MLAM, saying I couldn’t do it, wanting to make it clear that I’d tried hard. I stopped halfway through, not wanting to be a fucking disappointment. I decided to keep trying. I couldn’t put it in my mouth again to lubricate it more, because of fecal contamination. Not entirely sure what to do, I used my clean butt plug to get more, smeared it on, and pushed a couple fingers in and out of my ass a couple times. I pushed the dildo in and started fucking my ass with it. There wasn’t enough lubrication. I kept at it, but eventually stopped in less than a minute. The sobbing started again, this time exhaustion was mixed with fear and shame. Fear of the punishment for being a fuck up. Shame about failing so quickly. Fear that I’d never be able to get it right. Shame for not being able to do something so fucking simple. Fear of becoming unwanted and being tossed aside.
I tried a bit more, but just couldn’t. I’d start sobbing each time, push it down, try again, sob again. I finally finished the text I’d started. I said “I couldn’t do the other fifteen minutes. I got two hours of sleep last night and I’m going to get that tonight because I was doing things and all of a sudden it was 5am (that’s on me, but still) and I thought about doing the other fifteen and I just sort of started sobbing. I did get sputum and get it in my ass but I keep sobbing, mostly because I’m so tired, and it just is way past the point where it’s enjoyable at all. I tried really hard to push past that, but it’s not working. I even feel shitty because I’m not doing it, but I just can’t right now. I’m sorry, sir.” I thought maybe he’d be understanding. I didn’t put it in parentheses, say OOC or “Real talk” or safeword. I was tired, but I’m not sure if that’s the reason I didn’t do any of that. It was a large part of it, though. I cried myself to sleep, worried and scared, but thinking maybe it would be okay.
In the morning, I sent him another text, “So, now that I’m not quite as exhausted as I was last night, I think a big part of why I got overwhelmed last night, besides exhaustion, was a mental block about the sputum. I want to just use that, like you said to, but I also get upset/agitated thinking about using only that. Is there any way that I could please be allowed to do my best with the sputum and use lube as backup? Maybe just until I get the hang of it, like the first week? Please, sir? I so want to please you and do as I’m told, but I’m a disappointing little bitch and I have to work up to it.”
I headed to work, exhausted but not upset. Then his response came. I went to the bathroom to read it. I could tell from the part I could see that it was not the understanding text I’d hoped for. I got to the stall and read it.
He said, “Why is the lube such a sticking point for you? You’re clearly not even concerned about lubrication because sputum provides that, it’s the physical object of lube itself that you covet. Why? Also, I cannot believe, you little bitch, have once again failed to follow an order so quickly. You should have done the fucking before the post, as the length of the fucking was a known quantity, whereas writing could have been modified” and gave me a punishment involving snapping rubber bands on my tits and the soles of my feet.
I started to cry. Other people were in the stalls nearby, so I kept it quiet. I sat down and pissed, masturbated and cried. At work. I stole three rubber bands on my way back to my desk.
[Note: It was at this point that I started writing, so the rest is in present tense.] I feel empty. To be honest, I’m not sure if I want to step out and safeword. Part of me knows that I can. Part of me feels like I can’t, not without consequences. Like if I safeworded, he’d decide I was boring and get rid of me, or at least play with me less. Phase me out. Maybe for a better model. Part of me just wants to say “No.” in response. Or “Mental block. Like I said. And k.” Another part wants to do the thing he said, but just not respond. As I wrote this, the other part, the little feminist bitch part, got larger, and I fell back into that headspace somewhat. Still not sure what I’m going to do. For now, finish the workday.
————-
I wrote this next bit after I was feeling better/right before I posted this on the tumblr.
Part of the reason I did safeword was that I kept crying at work. Enough for my office mate to ask if I was getting the sniffles and offer tissues. After he left for the day, the tears and snot just started flowing (I do not cry cute.)
About an hour after MLAM told me that of course I could safeword, and I responded “Red. Pause until I’ve slept,” I followed up with a request for reassurance, since he hadn’t really given me any, and part of the reason I safeworded was because of the fact that I felt like I couldn’t safeword without consequences. I hesitated for a while before saying that, and even talked to Legal Lolita about it briefly. I didn’t want to be needy, or demanding, or annoying, which pairs nicely with those feelings of being tossed aside for being boring. Even the message I sent asking for reassurance was all hedging and “kind of” and “if that’s okay with you.”
I must have still been in a bit of a state, because of course he wasn’t going to be mad at me for being clear about my needs. He said “Sure, what’s up, gorgeous?” That made me start to cry again, this time from relief. I explained my feelings about being afraid he’d think I was boring if I safeworded, and he said “Nope. Everyone safe words. And if they don’t, then you’re not finding the edge. And if you don’t find it, how can you push boundaries? :)” Which is just so perfectly true and so him to say.
I read that a couple times and thought about it. I realized that the limit I hit here wasn’t about the dildo or anal or lube. It was about playing while sleep deprived. I lost much of my ability to separate roles from reality.
Having gone through that and out the other side, I’m really fascinated. I definitely want to push that boundary again with MLAM, just not while I have to be at work, and I’d much rather do it in person. I really like the fact that I truly felt like he was mad at me, disappointed in me, and that he might just drop me for not doing what he wanted, no matter what. That could be hella fun in person, and also I think being able to hug and cuddle and talk afterwards would be very important.
I think that my fear about being abandoned for being boring if I safeword is the much clearer articulation of a nagging feeling I’ve had in the back of my head. Like I couldn’t tell where my boundaries were or if I could have limits. It’s absolutely not the result of anything MLAM did. It’s just me up in my head with my insecurities. Now that I do believe that I’m attractive, they jumped to another quality for me to worry about. It’s probably why I kept apologizing for safewording for a while. I already talked about that one with MLAM and had him reiterate what I already know, which is that safewording doesn’t mean I’ve fucked up at all. It means we’ve found a boundary, and now we can play with it, which I really enjoy.
I still need to talk about all of this with MLAM, and talk theory and practice with some other people, as well, but now that it’s all over, I’m glad I had this experience. Also, I’m going to work on my sleep schedule. Good night.
• Religious themes prevail in his works; religious ceremonies and rituals are often depicted in the background of a domestic life. T. Gorecki had painted lots of portraits. His works are characterized by expressive drawings, bright colours, and certain theatricality of the composition. More: https://lithuanianart.com/authors/137
If I could had a dollar for every time a hypnotist tried to push the limits they readily agreed to when they thought they had me under, I’d be a fucking millionaire. And you wanna know the worst part? When I call them out for being shitty and give them another chance, most of them apologize and then IMMEDIATELY TRY THAT SHIT AGAIN. Or even worse, if they think that my initial rebuff was while I was still in trance, THEY KEEP PUSHING UNTIL I TELL THEM I’M NOT IN TRANCE ANYMORE.
Let me state this, for those who don’t seem to get it. GOING INTO TRANCE DOES NOT MEAN I FORFEIT MY LIMITS. I still have the same limits when I drop as when I was awake. They’re not negotiable, they’re not a flimsy barrier I erected to hide the good stuff, they’re not a “challenge” for you. They are solid and there for a reason.
DON’T BE AN ABUSER, RESPECT YOUR SUB’S LIMITS!!!!!!!
We were all just humans at one point, a point that may now seem far too distant to exist again. We were all just human before humanity drove a wedge in itself and began to divide us. We were all just humans before race drew lines that defined us. We were all just humans before socioeconomic status classed us. We were all just humans before religion split us, before politics polarized us. Now we are lines, lines that should not not crossed, labels that cannot not be ripped off and groups from which ones own they should not venture. We are white or black, Muslim or Christian, Republican or Democrat. I dream of a day when we are labels no more, a world where we are more than what we are called and the lines that once divided us are begging to be crossed. I dream of a life for our children where instead of a white christian and a black atheist we are all once again just human. I believe only then will the world know true peace.
I saw this and remembered this time I was dating a girl who was scared of anything having to do with skeletons or the dead…so I made her eat me out in a cemetery.
(Told bluntly for the kink but obviously things were consensual, she wanted to get over her fears, blah blah blah)
