Yoorim isn’t sure exactly what she expected upon asking for advice, for she hadn’t at all planned to meet Luda in the first place, but she is thoroughly relieved to notice that the debuting idol is happy to help someone like herself—not to say that Yoorim isn’t important, but she admittedly feels very much insignificant in comparison to the other trainees. She is new, not only to the project, but to the life of a trainee as a whole, and as someone who is typically quite confident, Yoorim is strangely insecure.
Her own curved lips grow into a broader grin of her own, grip tightening slightly around the papers that she holds in her hands. If one thing always remains true about Yoorim, it’s her expressive nature—courageous or fearful, she will always show her true emotions. “Thank you!” She says, before she has even come far enough as to express her concerns. She nods a couple of times in response to the latter part, smile lingering for another few moments as she replies. “Yes, that sounds like a good idea.”
“I think this room is available.” Reaching out, Yoorim then begins to move towards the practice room that she initially intended to borrow for the time being, but only for a short while. Soon enough, she is expected to train with the other girls. For now, however, she checks the room, only to smile and wave at Luda as to say that it’s clear. “I was hoping to hear what you did… if, uh… you focused on something in particular? Like, facial expressions, or eye contact?” She knows very well that the details matter.
Luda smiled in return, only making a movement with one of her hands to show that helping was no problem. In retrospect, even if everything had turned out well for her, she felt like she should’ve asked more people for their help or even just opinions on her solo eval picks and ideas. But that wasn’t anything she had to concern herself with anymore, she supposed.
She followed Yoorim into the room, curious to see what the other had planned. If she was honest, she couldn’t really remember what was expected of them that month, or what they should focus on for that month. With the door closed and them able to fully concentrate once more trainees would show up at the building, she hummed in thought.
“I’d pick out some extra practise time for that where I wouldn’t sing or dance and try to find tips on the internet. Watching popular idols fancams was helpful, too, finding out what made them so popular in the first place. It’s easier to do that than actually practise though, so for expressions, I’d try different ones I thought would fit close-up on camera until I was happy with them and then I’d do the same but while going through the song singing and dancing,” she started to explain, “for eye contact, I put little marks on the mirror, to stare at and made sure to switch from one to the next as well. Keeping eye-contact while talking to someone helps as well.”
At least that’s what she thought worked for her. When it came to charisma, she definitely wasn’t the best to ask, but maybe her tips could still work for the other. “For the most part it’s really just a lot of practise, like singing and dancing,” she added after a moment of thought, though that was probably not quite as helpful, but she knew how she’d struggled to keep making faces at a mirror when she could be singing instead.
It has taken some time, but Yoorim has finally managed to learn the general layout of Sphere’s company building, she can now sprint through the corridors to make it to practice in time. It’s only a month ago, though, when she relied heavily on certain people to guide her through what she referred to as a maze. This time, she has come a little earlier than usual, papers in hand as she tries to memorise them, and she practically walks blinded. It’s by her peripheral sight that she notices someone close-by, it’s someone that she isn’t familiar with.
By now, Yoorim has grown accustomed to the other girls of Heartz’ project and their typical movement—this one was different from either of them, so it brings her to look up from her paper that’s filled with lyrics and notes. If the other hasn’t noticed her presence yet, she will when spoken to from a distance. “Hello, sunbae-nim!” Yoorim smiles warmly at the other female, body bending at the hips in a formal bow to greet one of the girls who are already confirmed to debut in Sphere’s upcoming girl group—though, she has practically debuted.
One day, she will debut too and hopefully, it will be in company with Luda and all the other girls. Despite Heartz being an enormous group, perhaps it will be fine, even if she would prefer a smaller group herself. This isn’t the time to be picky, though, because an opportunity like this is rare—no, she isn’t part of the debuting line yet, but she sure hopes that she can land herself a spot. “Are you busy? I was wondering about some advice regrading my solo evaluation, but I can ask someone else if you don’t have the time…” Now, her smile is shy.
Luda had made it a habit to go to Sphere early, just like she did when she was still at kt. It’d been a bit difficult to get used to the surroundings, her memory wanting her to take turns, where there was wall in the way and such. She’s always been an early riser though the long hours did make it a little bit more difficult to wake up and get going, but she didn’t want to come in later either. After two years of trainee-dom, she’s found that most interesting things usually happened rather early in the day.
“Good morning,” Luda replied back after a little start and the girl bowed as well. Unless she came with one of the Heartz girls, she wasn’t really used speaking with anyone this early. Though she’d been here for a while, being busy with the project there hadn’t really been much time to get to know anyone from Sphere really, which admittedly made her a bit sad.
Either way though, she recognised the girl as one of the new additions to the project and her usual, soft smile spread on her lips. She made a mental note to ask the other how she was doing, getting used to everything, as the other’s words were out quicker.
Her smile widened, always happy to help, but also happy that she was even asked at all, surely someone else would be better help than her. “I’d love to help!” she replied warmly, “what do you need help with? And should we head somewhere a little more comfortable?”
Here I go again, with a new chance to ruin everything. I still have you in my mind and all my doubts, all my insecurities, all the mistakes I made. You’re still in my life even though you are long gone. And I don’t know how to stop you being a part of the new me.
The way my hips sway every time that I walk The piercing regret that sets in after I talk When I look in the mirror it’s a monster I see A monster that looks a whole lot like me I don’t understand when this girl got so bad I just wish her eyes in the mirror weren’t so sad You see, I feel disconnected from the reflection that I own. No more confidence Into self-loathe I’ve grown.
maybe there are no human //flaws//. maybe those are just human //realities// in which society randomly chose to label as imperfect.
maybe the goals we are striving for are the most flawed of all.
would we still have insecurities if beauty standards did not exist? what would we choose to look like? dress like? act like? … if society never wrote us the rules for being “good” “enough” “a-list”.
after all this time, I’ve really lost sight of me. is all this what I really want? or is this what I’ve just been told to be.
Pool side convo about your summer last night, oh yeah About your summer last night Ain’t give you no play, mmm Could I make it shine last night Could I make it shine, on it last night, last night Could we make it in? Do we have time? I’ll be the boyfriend in your wet dreams tonight Noses on a rail, little virgin wears the white You cut your hair but you used to live a blonded life Wish I was there, wish we’d grown up on the same advice And our time was right Keep a place for me, for me I’ll sleep between y'all, it’s nothing It’s nothing, it’s nothing Keep a place for me, for me Now and then you miss it, sounds make you cry Some nights you dance with tears in your eyes I came to visit cause you see me like a UFO That’s like never cause I made you use your self control And you made me lose my self control, my self control Keep a place for me, for me I’ll sleep between y'all, it’s nothing Keep a place for me It’s nothing, it’s nothing It’s nothing, it’s nothing I, I, I Know you gotta leave, leave, leave Take down some summer time Give up, just tonight, night, night I, I, I Know you got someone comin’ You’re spitting game, oh you got it I, I, I Know you gotta leave, leave, leave Take down some summer time Give up, just tonight, night, night I, I, I Know you got someone comin’ You’re spitting game, oh you got it (Nobody else, nobody else) I, I, I Know you gotta leave, leave, leave Take down some summer time Give up, just tonight, night, night I, I, I Know you got someone comin’ You’re spitting game, oh you got it
I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good. I will not be insecure about it.
I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it.. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it.. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it. I will not lose Daddy if I am good, like yesterday. I will not be insecure about it.
chapter summary:Charlie shut herself in her office and closed the blinds, forcing herself to ignore Javier’s arrival. She knew all the words that had been exchanged—all the promises and the soft kisses and the lingering looks—and still she couldn’t shake that old feeling.
rating: E [warnings: SMUT, feelings, PIV, oral sex, some light choking]
pairing: Javi x Charlie Ellis [OFC]
word count: ~3.3k
note: yes yes it’s been several months. I’m nothing if not completely inconsistent. Love always to my beta and writing wife @starlightmornings. This is mostly smut and soft feelings, and Charlie being treated r i g h t. And Javi is here, too.
He slept more peacefully than anyone she’d ever known. The creases in his brow disappeared; that ever-present frown relaxed; his jaw unclenched.
She traced the lines of his face with her thumb, still not quite convinced any of this was real. Cold, grey morning light and the sounds of the city waking filtered through the window. She’d need to get him up soon. But that meant facing the real world with all its obstacles. It was simple here.
Would he wake up and regret it? Would he push her away again?
Stripping away insecurities is a joy. The first time you have a girl naked, the parts that she covers with her hands, each little linger she makes while undressing, where they take place, and how long, tell you all you need to about what she’s nervous about.
The joy, then, is in paying those places special attention. Covering them in kisses, caressing them with a rough hand. Immersion therapy, disguised as foreplay.
You’re not going to strip away years of anxiety in an evening, but you can get started.
The major insecurities are always physical. It’s your stomach, your feet, your legs, your nose, your cheeks. There’s always something about yourself you don’t like, and that starts flashing red the instant you get ambushed by a mirror. It’s all you can see, and it doesn’t matter how good the rest looks, it’s the coherent portrait in the middle of a Pollock painting. It’s a banana viscously inserted into a beautiful Turner storm.
Of course there are mental facets that you’re not a fan of, but they’re the ones that you con yourself into thinking you can hide from public consumption, bury under general effusiveness, bad jokes and a winning smile. You can’t get rid of this nose, even if you did want to just spite the face, because frankly a noseless face wouldn’t exactly be preferable. Doesn’t mean you haven’t thought about it.
But you’re being ridiculous. No, really, you are.
Everyone has insecurities, because that’s the way society works. It tears down the things you think make you strong, and leaves you exposed with your weaknesses, to be laughed at. The worst part is that you help them; you pull apart your strengths just as much as they do, and then feel all the more worried about the things that someone once said something about that was maybe not the most flattering.
Fuck ‘em.
You’re beautiful. You’ve obsessed over that one tiny blemish for so long you’ve lost sight of things. You don’t realise that it's because of that tiny blemish that your face works, or your body looks as lovely as it does. You don’t realise that your habit of making stupid jokes at the wrong times is the reason that someone is going to love you some day. Just let go of it all. Take a moment, think about it for a second, and then let go.
The greatest thing D/s has ever done is put you on a fast track to self acceptance. I can tear you down for things that you aren’t, while emphasising the beauty that you are. I call you a slut and then kiss that nose, I turn your arse a lurid shade of red and then dress you up to show of your stomach, and call you the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen because of it. I obsess over you in the way you obsess over your flaws, and frankly my dear, my obsession is just a little more powerful than yours.
And as for my insecurities? You blow them all away the instant you call me a beautiful name and do exactly what I say. Because why on earth would a creature as beautiful as you ever do something I say, unless I’m worthy of it?
You make me worthy. And I make you beautiful. It’s all rather lovely.
I had a rough night tonight, feelings wise. Before, during, and after therapy. Reaction Junkie and I talked a whole fucking lot (he’s such a trooper), and I really really appreciate how much he’s willing to process with me. I have to put in a lot of work to be able to deal with my insecurities, jealousies, and sads. I’ll admit it, I’m trying to change myself. But honestly, I have those sorts of issues in monogamous relationships, as well. I need to be able to deal with those reactions.
One thing that came out of my therapy session today is that I need to be kinder to myself. I beat myself up about having the responses to things that I do. I tell myself that I’m stupid for feeling that way. I feel embarrassed about it. That’s counterproductive. It prevents me from asking for what I need from partners and friends.
I’m going to stop being embarrassed. It’s nothing to be ashamed of to have emotions. I do have those reactions about him playing with others, but I find that much easier to manage, and think that I should be able to get to a point where I think about it like I think about him doing other activities with other people. Dealing with him being sexual with other people, especially having piv/pia with other people is more difficult. I feel shame about that. But there’s nothing weird about someone, especially someone on the monogamous end of the spectrum, having a negative reaction to their partner wanting to have sex with someone else (particularly under certain circumstances).
I’ve already asked Reaction Junkie for something I was hesitant to ask. The next step is to open up to other people in my life and ask them for help. That’s always been hard for me because I find it hard to believe people like me or want to spend time with me. I want to ask other partners and friends to keep me company if Reaction Junkie is doing something that I find upsetting with play, one on one hangouts, bringing me into a group of people to socialize, etc. I’m hesitant to do so because of the embarrassment about the feelings I have, and because I don’t want to be annoying or take up their time. My therapist pointed out to me that they’re my friends. I’m not taking up their time. They’d be spending it with me. Someone they enjoy spending time with.
I’m ready to face the experiences that bring up insecurity and jealousy, and try out some of the new ideas for managing them. I don’t know if it will work, but I can’t know until I’ve tried a few times.
Yesterday Reaction Junkie helped me go to my first therapy session with my new therapist. He came in at first, helping me get over my sudden desire to simply curl up and cry. We talked with the therapist for a while, and then I told Reaction Junkie that he should go enjoy happy hour. He got up and gave me a kiss. I told him, “Tell people I said ‘Hi.’” and he headed out.
I started talking to my therapist and he mostly listened quietly, but actively. I felt uncomfortable, a little awkward at first, but eventually settled in and opened up. I talked about work first, then talked about how being depressed has caused issues with social anxiety and made dealing with any poly issues more difficult.
During the conversation about poly, I mentioned what happened at the con Reaction Junkie and I went to about a month ago, and that’s when the tears came. I talked about how upset I’d been, and we got into my thoughts and feelings about poly, jealousy, how you’re “supposed” to do poly, and how I shame myself when I feel like I’m not doing poly “right.” (Obviously there isn’t one way to do poly, but my jerkbrain likes to convince me there is.) I could tell that dealing with poly and jealousy feelings is going to be a theme in my sessions with this therapist.
I brought up the fact that I’ve been having more issues with social anxiety in the past month or so, not being able to talk to new people, not wanting to go to social events, and the like. I said that I feel like I can’t think of things to say to people, and, while in the past couple months prior to this upswing in my depression, I would just shrug off an unsuccessful interaction, and move on, now I feel as though it’s the end of the world.
I talked about how how I compare myself to more outgoing partners and feel bad about the fact that I’m not. Partially because I feel like I should be/have a habit of negatively comparing myself to others, but also because I wish I was more extroverted and comfortable with new people. It would make life easier, and would make finding new partners easier.
That led to a discussion of the fact that when I don’t find new partners as easily or often as a partner, especially if that partner is my only partner and/or someone who is a primary or primary-esque, it makes me feel bad. Besides the fact that new people are fun (At least they used to be for me. Not so much lately, with the depression and all.), I feel vulnerable, like there’s a differential investment in the relationship, like they have more options, so they aren’t as concerned with me. That happened with MLAM. I <i>know</i> with Reaction Junkie that isn’t the case. For fuck’s sake, we’re talking about living together and our future and we spend a lot of time together and I can just tell from how he talks and treats me and acts with me that he is just as invested in our relationship as I am. But that doesn’t stop my depression brain from making me worry about him finding someone who is more interesting, more fun, a better rope bottom, toppier, less needy, etc. and deciding that I’m not worth that time and effort anymore.
We moved on to a more general discussion of me not being kind to myself, having negative self-talk, and beating myself up for things. I told him that within the last month or so, I’ve been having an issue where, when someone says something like “X is the best at <activity>” or “Z is so much fun to play with” what I hear is “You’re not good at <activity> and no one wants to do <activity> with you/you’re nowhere near as fun to play with. I said I knew that was silly, and my therapist replied, "Well, that’s depressed thinking.” Self-esteem (or lack thereof) and insecurity are also going to be big themes, I think.
As we discussed things, I connected the work stress, the poly difficulties, and a resurgence in my social anxiety. They’re all related in a harmful negative feedback loop, each causing the others to get worse. The work stress means that I use up all my emotional and mental energy at work. That makes dealing with any issues at home, especially with jealousy or other poly things, much harder. That upsets me and brings me down. Then I start being meaner to myself and being more insecure. That makes being at kink events more challenging, since I’ll do more negative comparisons to other people, hear negative things about me when people are actually just saying positive things about others, and struggle more with partners playing with other people. Then that makes me feel shitty about myself and worry that I can’t “do poly.” Social anxiety gets worse, as well, especially as I get more into a depressed mindset. And that, of course, feeds back into the poly insecurities about not finding new partners and differential investment. I get distracted and less productive at work, need to stay more and stay up later to get things done, and feel more rushed when deadlines approach. And then the whole damn thing begins again.
I compare how I am now with how I was the past few months before this, and I miss feeling excited about things, meeting new partners and friends, doing more play with more different people, finding it comparatively easy to counter negative self-talk, and being more resilient with social or other failures. I miss that old LFB and worry that she’s gone. I feel like my depression will continue indefinitely, that my friends and partners will be less interested in spending time with me because they’ll get annoyed by how I bring things down and get tired of dealing with my sadness. And then, of course, I feel even more upset about the loss of pre-depressive episode LFB and the life I was living.
Talking about everything and making connections and saying things out loud that I hesitate to verbalize was hard and sad and uncomfortable and made me cry. But it also made me feel better. That past LFB isn’t gone. The problems I’m having with countering negative-self talk and insecurities, with finding managing jealousy very difficult, and with social anxiety aren’t problems I’ve always had, at least not to this life-disrupting extreme. They started to get worse with added work stress, lack of sleep, and maybe even with some particularly bad PMS that all added together to start this awful negative feedback loop. And since those problems haven’t always be there in the same way, since I can start to see what might be causing them to get worse, that means I can figure out a way to deal with them. All is not lost. I won’t be like this from here on out. I can, and will, get through this and come out just as, if not more, capable of disrupting negative self-talk, brushing off things that are now pushing insecurity buttons, managing with jealousy, being more outgoing and extroverted, and dealing everything else that depression is fucking with.
I went into the session feeling despondent, and I came out feeling hopeful.
Anxiety is wanting to ask your partner a million questions as to why they’re with you, why they say they care about you, and so on.
Depression is not thinking you’re worth enough to even ask those questions, let alone be with them.
Anxiety. All the time.
Depression is also managing to ask those questions and then not believing them when they answer them. It’s not accepting their explanations as to why they stay, why they care, why they (as you phrase it) “put up” with you and your problems, why they’re willing to change their lives or give up doing certain things certain ways because of you.
Because depression doesn’t let you think you’re worth any sacrifice, big or small. It doesn’t let you believe that anyone would be willing to give up anything for you or your happiness. It doesn’t allow you to see the good things about yourself, even when someone you love tries to tell you what they see in you. Depression tells you that they’re just saying that, that they’ll get tired of you, that they’ll suddenly realize you aren’t worth it.
Note: I wrote the beginning of this in the middle of trying to decide if I needed to safeword, and I only changed a couple of words afterwards. It’s a pretty good picture of my thought processes and patterns at the time. I was at work and my mind was a fucking mess, so I decided I needed to write something to figure things out. It’s not a super fun piece of writing in large part.
SPOILER: A few hours after I wrote this, although I was still in a fucked up mental state, I did eventually ask, “I’ll still do the rubber bands and I guess the dildo tonight if you want, but is it okay if I say "Red. Pause until I’ve slept.?” Of course, he responded “It’s always OK to use your safewords.”
So, last night I was trying to finish the rest of the 30 minutes of fucking my ass with the dildo. I was dumb, and after my Skyping with MLAM ended, I was dumb and ate (I had barely eaten anything all day) and wrote my assigned post first. It was 5am before I started trying to fulfill my assignment. I was walking from my bedroom to grab the dildo from the kitchen, thinking about what I was going to be doing, when everything just hit me. The last week, the start of my new job, the bad shit from Monday, and most of all, the pure exhaustion from only sleeping 2 hours the night before, and the knowledge that I would be getting that little sleep yet again. I stopped mid-step and collapsed, choked out “I can’t do it.” and started sobbing hard. I eventually got up, still crying, got the dildo and went back to my room. I brushed my teeth and washed my face and kind of laughed at myself for being so silly and crying.
I went back to my room and when I got down on the floor, I was about to stick the dildo down my throat when I started sobbing again. I let loose this time and just lay there, sobbing, curling in on myself like a fetus, and shaking. I thought I couldn’t control it, but then I tried and I did manage to push it down. I stuck the dildo in my mouth and the sobbing started again. Granted, that made everything all mucousy and I did get a fairly slippery dildo out of it. I kept crying, sometimes sobbing, sometimes not, and I started pushing the thing into my hole. The sobbing started up again, along with the fetus curling, so I let go and the dildo popped out. I started a text to MLAM, saying I couldn’t do it, wanting to make it clear that I’d tried hard. I stopped halfway through, not wanting to be a fucking disappointment. I decided to keep trying. I couldn’t put it in my mouth again to lubricate it more, because of fecal contamination. Not entirely sure what to do, I used my clean butt plug to get more, smeared it on, and pushed a couple fingers in and out of my ass a couple times. I pushed the dildo in and started fucking my ass with it. There wasn’t enough lubrication. I kept at it, but eventually stopped in less than a minute. The sobbing started again, this time exhaustion was mixed with fear and shame. Fear of the punishment for being a fuck up. Shame about failing so quickly. Fear that I’d never be able to get it right. Shame for not being able to do something so fucking simple. Fear of becoming unwanted and being tossed aside.
I tried a bit more, but just couldn’t. I’d start sobbing each time, push it down, try again, sob again. I finally finished the text I’d started. I said “I couldn’t do the other fifteen minutes. I got two hours of sleep last night and I’m going to get that tonight because I was doing things and all of a sudden it was 5am (that’s on me, but still) and I thought about doing the other fifteen and I just sort of started sobbing. I did get sputum and get it in my ass but I keep sobbing, mostly because I’m so tired, and it just is way past the point where it’s enjoyable at all. I tried really hard to push past that, but it’s not working. I even feel shitty because I’m not doing it, but I just can’t right now. I’m sorry, sir.” I thought maybe he’d be understanding. I didn’t put it in parentheses, say OOC or “Real talk” or safeword. I was tired, but I’m not sure if that’s the reason I didn’t do any of that. It was a large part of it, though. I cried myself to sleep, worried and scared, but thinking maybe it would be okay.
In the morning, I sent him another text, “So, now that I’m not quite as exhausted as I was last night, I think a big part of why I got overwhelmed last night, besides exhaustion, was a mental block about the sputum. I want to just use that, like you said to, but I also get upset/agitated thinking about using only that. Is there any way that I could please be allowed to do my best with the sputum and use lube as backup? Maybe just until I get the hang of it, like the first week? Please, sir? I so want to please you and do as I’m told, but I’m a disappointing little bitch and I have to work up to it.”
I headed to work, exhausted but not upset. Then his response came. I went to the bathroom to read it. I could tell from the part I could see that it was not the understanding text I’d hoped for. I got to the stall and read it.
He said, “Why is the lube such a sticking point for you? You’re clearly not even concerned about lubrication because sputum provides that, it’s the physical object of lube itself that you covet. Why? Also, I cannot believe, you little bitch, have once again failed to follow an order so quickly. You should have done the fucking before the post, as the length of the fucking was a known quantity, whereas writing could have been modified” and gave me a punishment involving snapping rubber bands on my tits and the soles of my feet.
I started to cry. Other people were in the stalls nearby, so I kept it quiet. I sat down and pissed, masturbated and cried. At work. I stole three rubber bands on my way back to my desk.
[Note: It was at this point that I started writing, so the rest is in present tense.] I feel empty. To be honest, I’m not sure if I want to step out and safeword. Part of me knows that I can. Part of me feels like I can’t, not without consequences. Like if I safeworded, he’d decide I was boring and get rid of me, or at least play with me less. Phase me out. Maybe for a better model. Part of me just wants to say “No.” in response. Or “Mental block. Like I said. And k.” Another part wants to do the thing he said, but just not respond. As I wrote this, the other part, the little feminist bitch part, got larger, and I fell back into that headspace somewhat. Still not sure what I’m going to do. For now, finish the workday.
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I wrote this next bit after I was feeling better/right before I posted this on the tumblr.
Part of the reason I did safeword was that I kept crying at work. Enough for my office mate to ask if I was getting the sniffles and offer tissues. After he left for the day, the tears and snot just started flowing (I do not cry cute.)
About an hour after MLAM told me that of course I could safeword, and I responded “Red. Pause until I’ve slept,” I followed up with a request for reassurance, since he hadn’t really given me any, and part of the reason I safeworded was because of the fact that I felt like I couldn’t safeword without consequences. I hesitated for a while before saying that, and even talked to Legal Lolita about it briefly. I didn’t want to be needy, or demanding, or annoying, which pairs nicely with those feelings of being tossed aside for being boring. Even the message I sent asking for reassurance was all hedging and “kind of” and “if that’s okay with you.”
I must have still been in a bit of a state, because of course he wasn’t going to be mad at me for being clear about my needs. He said “Sure, what’s up, gorgeous?” That made me start to cry again, this time from relief. I explained my feelings about being afraid he’d think I was boring if I safeworded, and he said “Nope. Everyone safe words. And if they don’t, then you’re not finding the edge. And if you don’t find it, how can you push boundaries? :)” Which is just so perfectly true and so him to say.
I read that a couple times and thought about it. I realized that the limit I hit here wasn’t about the dildo or anal or lube. It was about playing while sleep deprived. I lost much of my ability to separate roles from reality.
Having gone through that and out the other side, I’m really fascinated. I definitely want to push that boundary again with MLAM, just not while I have to be at work, and I’d much rather do it in person. I really like the fact that I truly felt like he was mad at me, disappointed in me, and that he might just drop me for not doing what he wanted, no matter what. That could be hella fun in person, and also I think being able to hug and cuddle and talk afterwards would be very important.
I think that my fear about being abandoned for being boring if I safeword is the much clearer articulation of a nagging feeling I’ve had in the back of my head. Like I couldn’t tell where my boundaries were or if I could have limits. It’s absolutely not the result of anything MLAM did. It’s just me up in my head with my insecurities. Now that I do believe that I’m attractive, they jumped to another quality for me to worry about. It’s probably why I kept apologizing for safewording for a while. I already talked about that one with MLAM and had him reiterate what I already know, which is that safewording doesn’t mean I’ve fucked up at all. It means we’ve found a boundary, and now we can play with it, which I really enjoy.
I still need to talk about all of this with MLAM, and talk theory and practice with some other people, as well, but now that it’s all over, I’m glad I had this experience. Also, I’m going to work on my sleep schedule. Good night.
Alessia Cara’s- Scars To Your Beautiful highlights the importance of self love and acceptance. In the video it stars a diverse group of people expressing their struggles and how they learned to embrace their beauty. This song is a power anthem. No one is to determine who you are. Do what makes you happy and remember that everyone is beautful. At the end of the video she made a very heartfelt statement, she stated “Often times, the world both directly and indirectly tells us that we shouldn’t be happy with ourselves if we don’t fit certain beauty standards. Scar to your beautiful is a reminder that beauty isn’t only one look, shape, size, or color. It isn’t even always tangible.It comes in an endless amount of forms and we need to recognize that”.
In my opinion it isn’t the individuals fault for having insecurities about their body image. Society falls short of accepting diversity and tends to shame people for individualism. Lip fillers, butt lifts, anti-aging laser treatments, botox, etc., has become a cultural norm and people forget that natural beauty still exist. A person shouldn’t have to conform to beauty standards to feel whole nor should they feel pressured to become a product of their environment.
Source: AlessiaCaraVEVO. “Alessia Cara - Scars To Your Beautiful.” YouTube. YouTube, 11 July 2016. Web. 06 Dec. 2016. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWASeaYuHZo>.
