Player Versus Player - AngelOfDeath10 - Naruto [Archive of Our Own]

Written for SasoSaku month 2021 for the prompt day 2 “Teammates”.

Link to The Pit. If you prefer FFN.

I know it’s been a minute. Been a slowish writing year for me.

IDK if this is any good but hopefully someone has fun anyway. Finals and work have my brain fried. I wanted to keep putting out somethingevery week so YEET

https://archiveofourown.org/works/14480415/chapters/88573105

(TWs: BDSM-type stuff)

This week’s 2 for 1 special is brought to you by “I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep in 2 weeks and I write when I’m stressed!”

Chapter 28 of Ties that bind: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15421356/chapters/95687401

And chapter 4 of Dirty little secret (NSFW): https://archiveofourown.org/works/37857967/chapters/95687398

Kakashi in love with a friend

Summary: you are kakashis best friend and he’s always been secretly in love with you.

Word count: 2000

A/N: first time doing some headcanons/this style post. I’ve been really out of it lately and haven’t been working on my current wip so I took a break with this.

• When you two were younger, he didn’t really notice you. To him, you were just another comrade/classmate and he didn’t have the time to make friends.
• But after the deaths of his teammates and sensei, he’s desperate for someone to care about him, to be kind to him and make him feel something other than sadness and self-loathing
• That’s where you come in. He notices the way you talk to Gai and the others, how pure and sweet you are when it comes to friendship. You aren’t the strongest, maybe that’s why you never stood out to him before, but now he’s hyper-aware when you are around.
• He suddenly finds himself hanging around Gai a lot more, since he’s your one of your closest friends,, and you’ll usually make an appearance.
• He’s sure glad he wears a mask because even when you simply say hello and ask about his day, he’s getting flustered and pink in the cheeks.
• One day you even fall asleep in his lap and he’s more than overwhelmed.

It had been a long day of training together. You, Kakashi and Gai actually had a break from missions for once, after a long span of constant trips and missions away from each other. You were originally just practicing your jutsu with the help of Gai when Kakashi had shown up and offered his expertise as well.

Needless to say, hours went by and you were tired. You settled yourself comfortably under a tree in the shade and tossed your head back against the bark, no doubt getting dirt or wood stuck in the strands of your hair.

“Tired already, Y/N-chan?” Gai asked, standing in front of you with his hands on his hips. You could only nod, and from there he plopped himself at your feet, tucking his legs in a knot beneath him. “You did really good. Your water style is getting better everyday.”

“Maybe I’m getting better, but I’ll never be good enough to keep up with Kashi over there. He’s amazing.”

Kakashi felt his muscles tense, and he could only shake his head in disagreement. He didn’t want you complimenting him by putting yourself down. You were doing just fine on your own, no need to compare you two.

“You’re doing just fine. Don’t worry about it,” he said.

Kakashi settled himself on the ground beside you and leaned back on his arms. You were tired, and he could see the way your head lulled from side to side as if you were going to fall asleep any moment. He sighed. You were awfully cute for a shinobi. Soft eyelashes fluttering and cheeks puffed out from a long day of hard work. Adorable.

“It doesn’t really matter does it. I have you and Gai to protect me if things don’t go right. My best friends,” you sighed with a soft smile on your face, happy to have them in your life. “Do you mind, Kakashi?” You asked, motioning down to his lap.

“Mind what?”

“Can I lay my head in your lap? I’m so tired and you look so comfy.”

Immediately, he felt his cheeks beginning to heat up at the thought, but he nodded nevertheless. “Yeah, no-no problem.”

You laid your head gently on his thighs and sighed, cuddling into his jogging pants. It wasn’t long until you’d drifted off into your own little dreamland. Your breaths steadied to a calm rhythm, chest rising and falling with each exhale. It was nice.

“Cute, right?”

“What?” Kakashi asked, raising a brow in his friend’s direction.

“I said, you think they’re pretty cute. I can tell exactly how you’re feeling, my rival.”

He didn’t know how to respond. Yes, he thought you were beyond cute, adorable gorgeous, whatever. But he wasn’t just going to admit that outloud. He stared up at the clouds and shook his head.

“They like you too, you know. A lot. They’re always talking about you when you’re not around. Boring, if you ask me. They think of you as their best friend.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Just thought you might want to know.”

Kakashi kept that thought in the back of his mind, lost in his own emotions. You cared for him. You trusted him so deeply. He felt honored that you spoke about him. He thought about you more than you could ever imagine.

He was happy with you there in his lap, sleeping away with your tiny breaths and your hands curled up in front of you. He wished life could be like this all the time, but he knew it was too good to be possible.

• Soon enough, he’s hanging out with you alone. On days you see him walking by, you run up and join him on his errands, and he loves it.
• He’ll tell you to leave him alone, embarrassed you can make him feel this way, but you both know he’s not serious. You just laugh and follow behind as he gets his groceries or visits the bookstore.
• You’re not turned off by his distant personality. You understand his trauma and pain, and work to accept him for all his quirks and flaws.
• As you two mature and he learns from his mistakes, he knows he can’t let you go. He doesn’t even want you out his sight.
• He’s sure to say goodbye before you leave for any major missions. If you died, he wouldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t see you off.
• He’s in charge of your apartment when you’re gone. He volunteered to water your plants and feed your cat. He’ll leave a bag of candy on your countertop, your favorite kind, to surprise you when you come back home after a long trip.
• He always, and I mean always, puts down his book when you enter the room. You are the center of attention for him, and he can’t possibly be distracted by anything else.
• Why would he even need those romance novels when he has you and his budding romance to focus on?
• He takes you out for drinks at least once a week, under the guise that he’s just bored. No no no, he just loves to be around you one on one. He doesn’t even mind paying.
• He’s not big on touching, so he’ll never go out of his way to hug you…but if you hug him, he’s gonna fucking cherish that shit. Anything you do for him he appreciates.
• One day you come home injured from a mission and he is just…broken up to pieces he’s so worried.

When he is finally allowed in your hospital room, he sees your weak form lying in the bed, wrapped up under the covers with your head turned toward the window, staring out at the birds flying by.

You hear him finally, and your head turns to him and despite your pain you try to smile. Oh that sweet smile he’d come to care for. He just wished you weren’t so hurt while wearing it.

“Y/N, I was so worried,” he confessed, walking up to your bedside and taking a seat in the nearby chair. “I should have known this mission was too dangerous. I should have said something.”

“Oh, Kakashi, please don’t bother with any of that. This was solely my fault. No one else’s.”

“What do you mean? I knew the enemy was stronger than you but-”

You cut him off, brows furrowed just a bit. “It’s not that the enemy was stronger than me, thank you very much. I could hold my own just fine.” You crossed your arms over your chest and huffed. “I fell down a well and broke my rib and leg. It was an accident.”

He paused for a moment, his lips opening into an “o” shape. To say he was surprised would be an understatement. He was dumbfounded. She was that clumsy? A whole life dedicated to being graceful and tactful, and she fell down a well.

“I see. I apologize for assuming.”

“It’s fine. Just me being dumb as usual. I bet if you were there, you would have swept right in and caught me, huh?” You laughed, pressing your palm to your cheek. You felt warm, probably from the infection you’d gotten after your injury, but it just might have been from the bashful feeling in your chest.

He sighed, keeping his breath calm and his attitude cool and collected. You were right. He would have caught you. He was sure of it. With his eyes on you almost every second you were around, instinct would have just set in.

“Maybe.”

“I’m just glad you came to visit me. I missed you, you know.”

“I-I missed you as well.”

“Well, I’m gonna be home for a little while, so you’ll be seeing a lot more of me.”

He straightened his back, eyes trailing over to the wall instead of your face. He was nervous. The sweeter you were to him, the worse these emotions got. He wanted all of you to himself, selfish as that may be. “When do you get out of here?”

“Probably tonight. I just need to take meds for a while and try to take it easy.”

He rubbed the back of his neck and cringed. Was he really about to ask you on a date? He couldn’t believe himself. He was losing his mind. All because of this one person. “Are you up for dinner? I know you’re hurt and all but…”

“Where do you wanna go?”

“Oh uh, I didn’t think that far ahead, I guess.”

“Well considering I’ve went through quite the ordeal today, Yakiniku Q sounds pretty good. Do you mind?”

“No, sounds great.”

“Then, it’s a date,” you hummed, peering over to catch his red cheeks and wide eyes at your words. You laughed to yourself as he coughed on his own breath. He stood from his spot beside your bed and straightened out his vest as he did so, uncomfortable suddenly. He was so embarrassed.

“If that’s what you want.”

“Yes. Of course.”

And he said goodbye, worming his way out of the room wanting to bury his head in the sand. How had this worked out so perfectly in his favor? He didn’t go in there with the intention of asking you out, but it just happened to play out that way and he felt hot in his own clothes, suffocating on the air around him.

Now he just had to find something to wear. And maybe fix his hair a bit. He would have to ask Kurenai if he saw her, what would impress Y/N the most.

• Your date goes well. He fixed his hair and his clothes just enough to look presentable, and you were definitely pleased.
• You did most of the talking, as usual, just telling him about your injury and the mission and what you had planned for the next week you stayed at home. You asked him about your cat and your plants that you hadn’t had the chance to go see yet. You asked about Gai and everyone else. The mission had been long after all.
• He walks you home of course, helping you along as you clutch his arm for support. You really shouldn’t be walking, and he felt slightly guilty for taking you out in such a state. Thankfully your apartment wasn’t very far.
• You get to your place and pull the key from your pocket, twisting the knob to your door. You turn to say goodbye and he stops you, grabbing your wrist in his rough, calloused hand.
• “Not yet.”
• “What?”
• “Don’t leave me yet.”
• You nod, waiting patiently for him to think about what he wanted to say, what he wanted to do. You know this had to be hard for him. He was so rough around the edges, so emotionally burdened.
• You kiss him, after a moment of silence. You stand on your tip toes and you place a soft gentle kiss to his masked lips. He can only stand there, staring down at you, lips slightly ajar.
• How could this be happening? He wasn’t the desirable type. He was a monster. A cold hearted killer. How could you possibly care for him like that.
• “Stay with me tonight,” you say to him, “Help me rest up. I’m very injured, you know. Make me tea. Feed Mr. Whiskers. Tuck me into bed.” You’re smiling, and he’s just in shock. How had he found someone so perfect.
• He nods and walks right into your small apartment. He would spend the night, if only ro help you out with the most miniscule of tasks. Just to see you smile, just so he could feel your lips on his over and over again.
• He got a lot of kisses that night, even one without the mask, when it was dark enough you couldn’t see.
• His life was coming together slowly, piece by piece, but now he had you. That’s all he really needed.

A/N: Lol, I thought this was gonna be short. I’m so dumb. Hopefully you guys like. I’m currently working on another multi chapter Kakashi fic so hopefully I can have the first part up soon.

Emotion (Kakashi x Reader)

A/N: Kakashi again…can’t get enough of this mans tbh. U r an empath due to your kekkei genkai and Kakashi has always been difficult to read. Friend to lovers. Sharing one bed folks, we got some steamyyy shit here. Angst warning as well.

Word count: 6000

He was always alone. Ever since his childhood, he walked the world completely alone with only a few people there to support him. No mother, no father, no mentor, no teammates. He was at the mercy of fate his entire life, things being stolen from him time and time again. 

He just prayed that he could keep her. Y/N L/N, the only woman to have wormed her way into his heart and made a home there.

When they first met, Kakashi and Y/N, she cursed him for being such a weirdo. Apparently his mind was empty and his heart was seemingly full of sand. He was conditioned that way, and that is how he lived for the longest time. It wasn’t a surprise for him to hear that.

But she thought it was stranger than anything she’d ever seen, and so she followed him. She would figure him out, bring him back down to Earth from his supposed high horse. That woman was determined, and frankly he didn’t mind her being around. She was quiet enough that it didn’t matter. Not to mention on the missions they had together, she was quite the partner.

Over time, she’d learned to read him like a book. It was part of her clan’s kekkei genkai. The ultimate empath, I suppose. The ability to read a persons every single emotion and then turn that, if they so choose, into power. 

She was never the greatest fighter, but her negotiation skills were the best they could possibly be. She would dive into the emotions of another and manipulate them backwards and forwards to get what she wanted. 

It was overwhelming, walking into a room of people and immediately being bombarded with so many feelings coming at her all at once. Occasionally, if the situation was bad enough she’d have to take a seat and clear her mind, organizing each person in her mind like a filing cabinet of empathy.

But damn, did she try to weasel out every bit of feeling she could. It was just something that came so naturally, she couldn’t help but instigate whatever was brewing up inside him.

“Kakashi, if you’re happy, you know you’re allowed to express it. You don’t have to hide it away,” she told him, staring at the masked man sitting across from her at the table. He was watching as she sharpened her kunai, and she could feel the content running off his body in small bursts. He was feeling better. Better than he had in a little while. Of course she picked up on it.

He sighed, rolling his eyes. She was always reading him, he knew that. He just preferred when she refrained from mentioning it. It did, most times, feel like a bit of an invasion of privacy, how she could deep dive into the corners of his mind. There were things no one else could ever possibly know that she did. It was strange, but he was used to it.

“What? Want me to smile or something?”

“No, but you should let yourself go. Just drop the facade.”

“Stop doing that. Getting into my head.”

Quietly, she set down her blade and picked up the next one, taking a cloth and softly wiping away any dirt. Her eyes slide up to his for a moment, her all knowing gaze filling his vision. “It’s basically impossible. Especially if you’re the only one around. There’s nothing else to focus on except you.” He knew that. It wasn’t like she had an on or off switch. That was the downside of this dojutsu. Unlike sharingan and byakugan users, hers was always pulling the strings of her brain.

“You’ve got that mission next week. With Naruto and a few of the other kids, right?”

“Yes.”

“It’s A rank, isn’t it?”

She hummed in agreement. He had a habit of knowing about all her missions, more importantly being the dangerous ones. He wasn’t necessarily scared for her, probably not. He was more cautious than anything. There was this nagging feeling in his head that he shouldn’t let her go on these missions alone. That it was too dangerous for her to handle. 

But he was wrong. She was stronger than he thought, and could hold her own in battle. He was just a worrier. He’d just lost too many, seen too many bodies in front of his eyes to trust. God, he wanted to trust her, but he couldn’t. She was too vulnerable. His friend, one of the only ones who hadn’t died yet. For all he knew, her days numbered, that’s how paranoid he was about everything.

“You’ll be careful?”

“That’s a silly question.” He gave her a look that said he was more serious than anything, and she sighed. “Of course I’ll be careful. I have people that would miss me if I wasn’t.” He was one of them. She could sense his fear whenever she said goodbye and his relief when she returned. He really tried to remain objective, but his heart said otherwise. 

And she would be a liar to say that she did not experience the same relief seeing him come home from missions, even if he was beaten and bruised to the bone, she was just happy he made it back. So many never got to come home. It was a sick world, they lived in, but she could relish in the little comforts.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll always turn out fine. It’s you and your dumb students we have to worry about.”

“I hear you. Those kids are enough to drive a person mad.” He rested his chin in his palm, the mere thought of those kids causing his blood pressure to rise.

“Thankfully my students never gave me any trouble. Sweet little things.”

“Well, aren’t you just lucky, Y/N?”

“What can I say? Kurenai and I got the luck of the draw with our students. You men had it rough, I have to admit,” she laughed. It was funny that he was so unfortunate to have gotten assigned the Uchiha and the Uzumaki, two completely opposite but persistent forces. “Despite your perverted tendencies and your perpetual lateness, you still did a great job teaching them.”

“Thanks. But do you really have to call me a pervert? I’m really not.”

“Yeah? That explains why you read porn in public. Admit you’re a pervert, you dumb old man.”

“We’re the same age-” he began to argue, but she just cut him off with her harsh words.

“Creep,” she muttered, running the sharpening stone along her blade. He narrowed his eyes. She was being awfully annoying, and he knew she could sense his irritation building up. Yet she continued just to be a pain in the ass.

 He warned, “Hey. Watch it, L/N.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop…Pervert.” She ducked her head when his hand reached out to wring her around the neck for being so frustrating, and she continued to laugh. It was nice, having a friend she could joke with and be around without having to worry about what she said. He might pretend to be mad, but she could feel the happiness still rolling off his body thickly under all that fake neutrality. 

He was happier than he’d been in a long while, and she found herself swelling with pride knowing that she might have helped make that happen. Her lips curled into the gentlest of smiles as she peered back up at him, and he found himself smiling back even if it was just through the mask. 

He swore in that moment, he’d make sure Y/N didn’t end up like all the others. She would live. He’d break this wretched curse just for her. He was sure of it.

______

“How could you be so reckless?! Do you want to die?” Kakashi shouted at his friend who could only stand there angrily, arms crossed over her chest and one foot in the other direction. She didn’t need to be lectured by someone who took just as many risks every single mission as she did.

“Kakashi, I really don’t want to hear it. You have no idea how it went.”

“Yeah but Naruto does, and we were just talking.”

She placed her free hand over her chest and exclaimed even angrier than before, “You’re going to trust a kid over me? Naruto even?” It was just low to trust Naruto when she was right there to explain herself. Just let her speak for once, she wanted to say but he of course, had something else to say.

He waved his arm toward the ramen shop, eyes glaring. “Don’t be rude. He’s right there. What is wrong with you?”

Indeed, Naruto was sitting inside Ichiraku with Jiraiya at his side, munching on pork ramen while the pair fought outside. Kakashi was eating with them, taking a break from his work to just relax with his master and student when out of the corner of his eye he noticed Y/N stumbling down the street on her crutch. 

He heard when she got back home that she was in the infirmary for a couple days. He had no idea for what reason until Naruto explained to him what happened. She was being needlessly reckless on the battlefield, relying too much on her kekkei genkai and not enough on her brain. She threw herself right in the way of an enemy, for what reason, he didn’t know. All he knew was that she could have died and she didn’t seem to care one bit.

Rightfully so, he was mad. Normally he preferred not to make a scene in the open like this, but there wasn’t anyone else around and he was red-hot.

She huffed. “He knows I don’t mean anything bad by that. How could he not? I’m also his sensei, you know.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Kakashi brushed off her words. “What you did was dangerous and you don’t seem to care. Next time what are you gonna do? Run right into the arms of the enemy?”

“No, I would never. Kakashi, you’re just being a jerk right now. I’m literally injured from the hip down and you have to yell at me? Jeez, just be grateful I’m alive, okay? Things happen,” she tried to reason with him, but he didn’t acknowledge it. He wasn’t exactly feeling all that rational.

“Things don’t just happen like that.”

She groaned, “Well apparently they do, because it happened to me.”

His eye narrowed and she noticed the way he clenched and unclenched his fists a couple times by his sides. Clearly he was just trying to channel his anger, but he really had no reason to be so upset. She hadn’t done anything to him. He really needed to relax. “This is so like you L/N’s. Always so emotional. Always thinking you’re stronger than you actually are.”

“Excuse you-”

“Get a grip, you aren’t going to live forever.”

“First off, don’t interrupt me. Second, don’t talk about my clan ever again, you hear me, Hatake? We don’t live to please your dumbass,” she cursed, how dare he say shit about her clan. That asshole. He was just being so…so unlike himself. She had no idea what had gotten into him, but she hated it and just wanted to continue on her way before he said something else stupid. 

Normally, she didn’t expect to be bombarded in the street nearly the second she leaves the hospital, but Kakashi never fails to surprise her.

“I’ve got to go. Don’t bother following me.” With that, she took off past him, rushing as fast as she could on her crutch, which was pathetically slow. Silently, she cringed at how ridiculous she must look waddling around like this in a fit of rage. Nevermind that. She had better things to do.

He huffed out the breath he had been holding to walk back into the ramen shop, taking his seat beside Naruto and slouching down into the stool. Immediately, Master Jiraiya met his eyes, wisdom about to drip from his tongue once again. “You need to go apologize.”

“Why? She clearly doesn’t want that right now.”

“Well, to start, you insulted her clan which is a big no-no. Imagine saying that to an Uchiha. You’re lucky she let you off so easily.”

“Yeah, Kakashi. You kinda just attacked her out there in the street,” Naruto added.

Jiraiya continued, “Mainly though, the longer you let her stay angry, the worse it’ll be for you in the end. Trust me.”

“She said don’t follow her.”

“And you’re actually going to listen?” The older man laughed. “You and her fighting reminded me a lot of young Tsunade and I. And let me tell you, you don’t just let a woman like that go. I sure did. It’s not a fun time.”

“Yeah, Kakashi sensei, go find Y/N.”

The jounin stood from his stool and slapped a ramen voucher onto the counter top to pay for his meal. This really didn’t seem like a good idea, he had to admit. But he would trust the process. This was the author of his favorite romance series, after all. How could he get something like this wrong? To put blind faith into Jiraiya on realistic romantic matters was probably the not the wisest thing to do, but it was the only thing he had to go on. “I’ll go, but this doesn’t sound like good advice.”

“If you let this go, she’s might run into the arms of another man for comfort. Do you want that?”

Tch, there was no way she was gonna do that. She barely had any friends. If anything she would go see Kurenai. Still, he pulled back the cloth at the entrance and muttered, “I gotta catch up to her.”

“‘Atta boy,” Jiraiya cheered, waving off the copy nin. “Another bowl, Naruto?”

“Yes, please!”

Kakashi walked down the streets, looking for the woman he was sent on a mission to find and apologize to. He searched through the shops and the stands for her, walked by her apartment no sign of her. It wasn’t until he stumbled by the bookstore that he found her eyeing down the display out front, leaning comfortably on her crutch.

“Y/N,” he called to her, and he watched as she tensed up without a second. He caught up to her, walking to stand beside her in front of the store windows. “I need to talk to you.”

“What do you want?” She questioned, peering over at him with a quirked brow. He seemed calmed down by now. Thankfully. “Also, didn’t I tell you not to follow me?”

“You did, but Jiraiya told me to apologize.”

“So this isn’t even on your own accord, you’re doing it because Jiraiya told you so.” He groaned. Of course she would twist his words and find some way to make things bad on his end. She was angry with him, what did he expect to happen? Her to accept him with open arms?

“Listen, I’m sorry for yelling at you. I was just overwhelmed.”

“With what? I wasn’t paying attention to anything but the anger.” She picked at her finger nails in an attempt to remain casual, but really she was just itching to hear what he had to say. She was willing to give him a second chance, only because he was normally so sweet. This was just out of character for him.

He replied, “I was scared for you. Naruto told me about how you nearly died, and I was upset that you did that. I was upset because I could only think about what if you had been overpowered and the enemy killed you.” His explanation was weak, but he hoped she would accept it as truth. He really wasn’t lying. When he heard she was in the hospital indefinitely, he nearly had a heart attack himself. He worried for her every time she left on a mission without him. It just meant that if she failed, he wasn’t there to protect her himself. He couldn’t handle that thought.

“So you were worried?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that’s sweet of you, isn’t it?”

“I’d miss you, you know. If you died.”

She froze. That wasn’t what she expected him to say. When she looked over at him, he was just staring into the storefront window, but she could feel the sadness in waves running off his body. She wobbled around on her crutch to face him, a hand getting coming up to rest on his shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“I don’t want you going on missions without me because every time it scares the shit out of me thinking they’ll bring you back dead. Every time. I don’t know why.”

“It’s normal to worry for your teammates.”

“It’s not the same, and you know it.”

“Ah.” And she felt it. Even if it was just a little hint of something, she felt his infatuation roll off his body and she took it in like a drink of cold water. So refreshing. Was he attracted to her? She had no idea before this that he cared so much but from the sound of it, he had some strong feelings attached. She wanted to reach out and hug him, tell him it was going to be okay, but that felt too personal. Instead, she leant back and muttered, “You know, Kakashi, I worry about you too.”

“It’s good we both have someone who cares, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, I should be on my way, but, uh, if you need some help getting up to your apartment-”

“I should be fine.”

“Okay, good.”

“Yeah, so uh, see you,” she turned on her heel and started heading in the other direction toward her home when suddenly, his hand reached out to stop her. 

“Wait, Y/N. I think…”

“What is it?”

“It’s just that I need you. Please be careful from now on.”

She stopped, turning around just enough to get a good look at his face. He only watched her, a glimmer of something she didn’t recognize in his eye. 

“As long as you take care of yourself too, Mister.”

“Y/N, I…”

All she could feel was a rough fabric rubbing against her face for a second before the full picture came into view. 

Mask to lips. I repeat, mask to lips.

She stared at him, as he kissed her right there in front of their favorite bookstore. When he pulled away after a second, he seemed just as shocked as she was. She pressed a hand to her forehead and struggled to find the right words to say. 

Kakashi Hatake just kissed her. 

And she definitely liked it. More than any other kiss she’d ever had before. She loved it. Mask or not, that was one of the best surprises of her entire life, and she honestly had no idea how to react. She settled for the easiest possible thing, running in the opposite direction, give herself time to think over what that meant for the two of them if anything at all. Kakashi wasn’t the type to have a girlfriend, he was always single. There just wasn’t room in his life for her.

There was plenty room in her life to fit him in comfortably. And there was more than enough room in her bed as well. 

Flustered, with heat coming to sit in her cheeks and run up her neck, she turned and motioned in the direction of her home. She just had too many thoughts to sit here and pretend she wasn’t dying inside from the tension.

“I’ve got to run home now,” she managed to say. “Well, not run, with these crutches and all, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I should be going too. I’ll see you around,” he mumbled, running his hand through his hair and down the back of his neck. 

"See you.”

And into separate directions they went, just as confused as ever.

______

“Kakashi, I swear to God, if you don’t stay on your side of the bed, I’m gonna-

"You’ll what? Hit me? Go ahead. You’re the one that keeps snoring.”

“Shut up!” she exclaimed, rolling over in the bed and planting her fist directly in the middle of his chest. He didn’t even flinch, she hadn’t meant to hurt him anyway. She was just so annoyed. You would think that the stoic Hatake would be easy to sleep beside but no, he was a pain in the ass. He was rude. He was way too hot under the sheets. He still smelled like dog even after taking a bath. Just overall a bad experience, definitely 0 out of 10.

“What? It’s the truth.”

She groaned, throwing one of her arms over her eyes, burying her nose in the crook of her elbow. “Whatever. Don’t ever mention my snoring again. It’s embarrassing me.” She was self-conscious. She was usually so good at maintaining a cool and calm presence and now Kakashi was seeing that all crumble. Great. 

“Fine.”

“Can’t you just stay on your side so we can both sleep comfortably?”

“Can’t you just stop snoring so I can sleep comfortably?" 

What a bastard. She could practically feel him snickering beneath his mask, and she felt frustration bubbling up in her chest. He was annoying. The audacity of this man, laughing and causing trouble in the night when they clearly had a mission to continue tomorrow. She could actually feel the delight radiating off his form.

She jumped up from her spot and threw herself onto the man beside her, attempting to make a vicious grab for the throat so she could maybe shut him up for just a few seconds. He dodged easily, taking her wrists in his calloused hand and lowering them to rest on his chest. Still, he continued to laugh at her. She felt like an utter joke sitting there on his stomach, looking at him through loose strands of her hair. 

She grumbled under her breath, her cheeks puffing out full of embarrassment, "Stupid.”

“Me? Stupid? Look at you.”

She replied swiftly, “What about me? You’re the one with that ugly grin on your face.” Quickly, she snatched her hands out from under his to cross her arms over her chest. She rocked back a bit on her knees to get a better look at his indeed ugly face. 

Except he definitely wasn’t ugly, and that grin was more devilishly handsome than anything else. And honestly, she felt herself starting to get flustered in the position she’d put herself in. Of course she didn’t hate Kakashi. He was one of her friends and coworkers. It was just that sometimes he could be casually attractive and she found herself falling under his spell. 

He just looked so fucking good lying there, staring up at her with a glimmer in his dark eyes. She could see the smile outlined under his mask. His hands had felt warm and firm around her own fingers. She missed his touch, there she said it, any touch on her body from Kakashi Hatake felt like heaven. He was far too cute, and the soft contact between them drove her crazy.

She wanted to punch herself for thinking such silly things. This was Kakashi, one of her frenemies. Not boyfriend material. Stupid. Silly. 

If only he didn’t look so good, Jesus christ. Get your brain out of the gutter, Y/N.

Little did she know, his mind was already waist deep in those damn gutters and he was loving it.

“You really think that?”

“What? That you’re ugly?” She asked, tilting her head to the side just a bit as if to think about it. Only a second later, another mischievous smile crossed her lips. “Of course.”

He lifted his fingers to slid along her waist and down to her hips, fingers curling ever so slightly around her curves. She shuddered as his hands slid down to hold the sides of her bare thighs in his hands, his warm, strong hands with the softest fingertips. She wanted to die.

Had they kissed before? Yes. We’re they somewhat romantically involved? Maybe. Did that give him any good reason to rest his rough hands on her thighs like that? Probably, and her thoughts were running a mile a minute at this point. 

“Kakashi…stop that,” she said softly, her voice lowering from how it was before. She suddenly felt a lot smaller, scared even. Hooking up with Kakashi wasn’t something she planned on doing anytime in the near future, if at all. He was her friend, and she felt strange sitting in his lap with his hands all over her. It felt so right but wrong at the same time, like she was breaking the law. Well, laws of friendship that is.

She cared about Kakashi, more than she wanted to admit. He wasn’t just a friend, he was something weirdly in between and she couldn’t exactly put her finger on how she felt about him. All she knew was that if she was going to have sex with this man, it would be the right way. They would have to date first. She wasn’t just gonna sleep around this time. He was different. 

She wanted to impress him, to make him smile and laugh, to take him out to dinner and hold hands on their way home, to kiss at her doorstep. She wanted all of that before any of this.

His hands dropped from her sides and she crawled away from him, grabbing her blanket and cradling herself in it. “Listen, Y/N, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I know, it’s not your fault. Don’t worry about it.”

It was quiet. Just the sounds of both their breaths filling the air and the crickets chirping in the darkness outside. She shifted in her blanket to rest her head on the wall, leaning against it with her shoulder. He remained on his back, staring up at the empty ceiling tiles. 

It was now so terribly awkward. Thanks, Y/N.

Finally, he broke the silence. “You, uh, don’t snore all that much. I was just teasing you.”

“Thanks,” she exhaled. “You’re not as ugly as I said.”

“I know.”

Wow, Kakashi. So modest.

Her words fell right into place as she spoke, emotions slipping out with each breath. She looked at his profile in the dark, the way his bedhead stood on end, his nose pointed upward and his lips sat calmly, the curve of his chin under the edge of his mask, the way his eyes just sat there unmoving and gentle, brows soft above the eye. She took in all of him as she confessed, “I just don’t want it to be like this. I don’t want to fall for you this way.”

“I get it.”

“I just think that you and I could be something different. You’re not like the other guys to me, at least, I don’t think of you that way,” she took a deep breath. He still stared deep in the ceiling, and somehow it made her comfortable enough to confess everything she’d been feeling. It was as if he could just lay there and listen without words forever. “I don’t want you to just fuck me before we really…well I don’t know, we’ve never even been on a date. I…I think I’m ready to fall in love with you.”

“Then let’s do it.”

She peered over at him, lips agape with surprise. She hadn’t expected much at all, but certainly not that. “What?”

“When we get back to the village, I’ll take you on a date, more if things go well. We can take it as slow as you want,” he told her, turning to lay on his side, facing her. He watched as she cuddled further into the comforter, only a peek of her face in his view. She was actually kinda cute through all those worn and torn layers. “I don’t think I can let you go this time.”

“Really?”

“Anything for you.”

She ducked her head down to stare at the hardwood beneath her feet. She was overwhelmed by how nice he was being. Normally, it didn’t go like this. Things normally got sexual so quick there wasn’t even a chance for these sorts of conversations. It was just different with Kakashi. She could say no to him and expect better, because she knew he could deliver. “No one has ever treated me like this before.”

He smiled. “Well, it’s about time someone did.”

“Can you hold me?”

“Come on.” He lifted his arm up with the covers attached so she could crawl over and burrow herself next him, tucked right against his side. He rested his arm around her shoulders and held her close to his chest. Things were looking good for the both of them. Better than they had in a long time.

He wished this kind of thing could last forever. The beating of her heart, the laughter in her voice, the shine in her eyes. He just wished he could have bottled it all up and held it close to him for the rest of his life. 

But he waited too long, and the opportunity slipped from his grasp.

______

The pair fought hard. Kakashi was better than her, everyone knew that. The enemy targeted her for that reason. It was clear as day that she was important to Kakashi, and the enemy quickly caught onto that. He was quick to bring the knife to her neck, pressing the woman’s back tightly to his chest. The blade stung her skin, already piercing the flesh from the bit of pressure he applied.

She cried out, feeling a trail of blood begin running down her neck. Her nails clawed at his arm, desperate to get him to release her from his clutches, but he persisted. One hand held onto her chin tightly, keeping her face from thrashing, and the other continued to apply more and more pressure into the blade. 

For the first time in a long time, she found herself feeling unrestricted fear. She was scared. Scared for her life. She’d never been in this situation before, feeling so completely and utterly helpless like a deer caught in the headlights. Kakashi was right there, she should have known everything was going to be okay. After all, she had the village’s strongest veteran on her side.

It wasn’t the pain that caused the tears to bubble up in the corners of her eyes, no, it was Kakashi. The way his eyes darted over to the them, and she could feel his heart beginning to race, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end, and the fear creeping up into his heart. He never wore his heart on his sleeve. He was so closed off, sometimes she could only get a wisp of emotion from him, especially the ones that showed such vulnerability. 

Now it all seemed to come tumbling out like a landslide. She was drowning in fear, his and her own. 

“Let her go,” he called out, practically pleading with the man across from him, but it was in vain. 

“Like I’d listen to some filthy leaf shinobi,” the spy replied angrily. He felt so hot, burning up with so much anger she wanted to throw up. What had they done to upset him this badly? Her jaw was starting to ache from being held so tightly, and she swore she could taste blood running down her throat. This was bad. This was so terribly, miserably bad. 

Kakashi stood there, his hands hovering at his sides, unknowing of what to do. She was already bleeding out all over the collar of her shirt. If he made a single move, the man could easily finish the job with one fatal swipe. The copy nin felt cornered. Hopeless. What was there left to do? He’d let the love of his life fall in the hands of some petty criminal. 

Come on, think of something. Anything. Just think of something.

“What? You upset I’ve got your little girlfriend here?”

God, he was so desperate. The man taunting him didn’t help at all. He just felt himself spiralling deeper into hopelessness. He bargained, “Please, just let her go. I’ll give you whatever you want.” 

It wouldn’t work though. This man was set in his ways, and there was no changing that. He came into this fight knowing exactly what he wanted to do. And he was going to finish the job. 

“This is for what you shinobi have done to my people,” he sneered before she felt the knife dip further into her neck, sliding painfully across her throat. He dropped her head from his grasp, and as soon as he had, her body crumbled down to the ground. She collapsed in a bleeding heap on the dirt. 

The criminal quickly ran into the forest behind them, getting lost among the trees and the bushes within seconds. None of that mattered though. Kakashi could only run over to her limp body lying there on the ground, sputtering and coughing on thick blood filling her throat and lungs. Her cheeks and lips painted red now from spitting so much up. He fell to his knees beside her body, and for the first time in a long time, he felt a tear drip down his face.

She cried, hot tears running down her cheeks into the dirt on either side of her head. She cried for her pathetic self, having been attacked and injured in this way. She cried for Kakashi, feeling the pain and sadness, the panic, radiating off his form. She took in every emotion he was feeling, wanting to savor being with him for as long as she had, to fully take him in one last time. 

“Y/N, it’s gonna be okay,” he whispered, his hands running over her hair and cheek, smearing blood on her skin and his fingers. “We’ll bring you back to the village. The Hokage can fix you.” His words were so soft into the air, like if he spoke any louder he would hurt her.

They both knew that none of what he was saying was true. She was as good as dead.

She lifted her hand weakly to sit on his other hand. “I…” The woman took a labored breath.. “Love you, Kashi.”

“No, no, no. Don’t say that,” he hushed her, feeling his heart grow heavier in his chest with every second that passed, every look at her bloody neck and face, her laboring chest as she took hopeless breaths. He was falling apart in this moment, desperate for fate to change, for her to magically be better. He choked, “You can’t die, Y/N.”

“It’s okay.” Her words were slurred and hard to hear, liquid bubbling up in her throat to the point she was almost incomprehensible. “I love you,” she confessed once again. She wanted those to be her last ever words to him, the words he would remember for the rest of his life. To know someone out there loved him more than anything else.

He had to know that he was her everything. He was the best thing that ever happened to her, and she was going to miss him so terribly wherever her soul went after this. She just wished there was more time to tell him everything she felt. Yet, time was passing faster than she thought, and all those words felt impossible.

“I love you, too. You have to live for me. Just keep breathing, it’s going to be okay.”

“It…hurts.”

More misery erupted his chest, and he found himself wanting to scream. Tears dripped steadily down both his cheeks now as he watched this woman die in front of him, one of the only people he truly needed in his life. “I know, baby, I know. I’m sorry I let this happen to you.”

She nodded faintly, her eyes beginning to close. He was starting to panic. Was this his last moment to say goodbye? Their time together was so short, how was this fair? He’d already lost everyone he ever cared about, and now this? He felt like the gods were laughing down at him and his misfortune. 

“You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I don’t know how I’ll do this without you.”

She didn’t respond, but she was still breathing. 

“Y/N, please.”

And he watched as her chest fell still and her labored breaths were silent on his ears. He found himself gathering her form up against his chest, her head cradled in the crook of his neck, just sobbing into her hair, weeping for a long lasting love gone in an instant. 

 He carried her body home that day himself. Something he never anticipated happening, but should have prepared for. He always thought he was going to watch as someone else carried her home to him, death long gone before he had the chance to see. He never thought it would be right in front of him. He thought he could protect her, save her from the clutches of fate. He was so wrong.

Kakashi was alone once again.

Skinny Love (Kakashi x Reader)

A/N: hello again. I’m in love with Kakashi this mans makes me heart go wild I swear. Hope you like seeing him on ur dash lol. Shy reader who is too afraid to confess how she feels to Kakashi. This is only part one and is essentially just fluff. The second part will be all angst and sadness so beware.

Ps. It took me so long to get this one done. I was struggling to find the right words.

Word count: 4000

“Come on, sensei. You like him,” Sakura laughed, poking her superior in the arm. The group of women stood outside the training grounds after a day of hanging out and working on their jutsu. On occasion Y/N enjoyed taking the girls out and spending time with them. It was a relief to be away from all that testosterone. If only for a short time.

She just shook her head, smothering down the embarrassment she felt creeping up her neck. Her stomach churned whenever she recognized her feelings for the man. It was just so intense. “I would never feel that way about a coworker, you know that, Sakura.”

“But he’s not just a coworker to you, is he? He’s also your close friend,” Ino hummed.

“Perhaps, but haven’t I taught you that it’s bad to let emotions get in the way of work?”

The blond rolled her eyes, turning to fully face one of her sensei, who she would argue was deeply in denial. “Seriously why does it even matter? Kurenai-sensei and Asuma-sensei literally had a baby together. You should definitely tell Kakashi you like him.”

Y/N tossed her head back against the wall, sighing. “Girls, I really don’t like him. He’s just my friend. He’s nice to me and I appreciate that, but that doesn’t mean I want to date him or anything.” Her voice shook and clearly she had been caught.

She was always so bad at lying.

“Whatever you say, Y/N.”

“It’s just something I’d rather not dwell on, Sakura. I’m sorry for being so private about it, but it’s a sensitive subject for me,” the woman confessed, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly.

“It’s okay! You don’t have to apologize. We get it! Feelings can definitely be complicated.”

“I-I,” she started, about to explain herself, but instead she rethought what she was about to say. There was no reason to actually reveal how she felt about the man. These times were tough, and there wasn’t any room for making things even more messy with relationship drama. Y/N was more than happy just pretending they were friends and nothing more. As long as she had him just to talk to, she would be fine. As long as he always made it back alive, there was no reason to complain.

“You’re right. Feelings are too complicated,” she muttered, feeling herself practically deflate as she did so. Y/N was beginning to think she was just the one making everything complicated when it didn’t have to be. Skipping around and lying about her feelings. Kakashi wouldn’t ditch her if she just said something, she was sure of it.

Just as Sakura was about to reply, the voice of the man in question chimed in from down the path, “Y/N, we were looking for you.”

“Yes, the third wheel to our tricycle of youth!”

Y/N felt a smile grow on her lips at the sounds of those voices, especially Gai’s exclamation of youth. He was awfully weird, she thought, but that was what kept him so interesting. She turned to face the men walking in her direction. “Kakashi, Gai! What’s up? The girls and I were just finishing our training.”

“We’re going out for drinks and thought you might like to join.”

“Sounds great. It’s been a long time since the three of us went out. For some reason we never have off at the same time anymore.”

“Yeah, it’s a shame. Missions have taken over our lives lately,” Kakashi said tiredly. It was true. They really never had a second to rest. It was beginning to take its toll. Those were the consequences of war though. “How have you been?”

“Good, I, um…” she began, her eyes trailing up to Kakashi’s. He watched back intently, patiently, and she felt something in her chest flutter up. He was always so handsome, she wondered how she could go so long without seeing his face. She just wanted to leap forward and give him a hug, wrap herself up in his warm arms for just a little while. That wasn’t an option though, so she settled on some simple words. “I’ve missed you.”

His eyes softened barely enough to be noticeable but she saw. Her heart continued to flutter up in her chest and she sighed, clutching her hands tighter behind her back. No doubt the girls standing just behind her were hyper-analyzing all their interactions, especially after revealing they held an interest in the pair’s relationship.

He didn’t have the chance to reply though, as Gai was the one to chime in. “Why thank you. I have to say, I’ve missed you as well, my kunoichi friend.”

“Thanks, Gai.” Even if the statement wasn’t exactly pointed toward him, she was happy she had been missed.

“No problem! Now I hope you young ladies don’t mind if we take L/N off your hands.”

“No no. It’s not a problem, Gai-sensei. I’m sure our moms want us home for dinner anyway. It’s getting late after all.”

“Yeah, we’ll see you later, Y/N-sensei.” The pink haired girl waved ss they started to make their way in the opposite direction toward town. Ino paused for a moment though.

“Don’t forget what we talked about. You really shouldn’t be so shy; it’s gonna be okay,” she said softly. Y/N sighed, nodding her head as if to say fine. In reality, she wouldn’t do anything different. She wasn’t feeling very open to changing herself or facing any of her fears. “See you around.”

It was kinda sad that Y/N found comfort and support in a bunch of 15 year olds. She was an adult, couldn’t she talk to other adults about her problems. These girls were just so accepting and she didn’t feel awkward talking about immature things like crushes. Any other adult would just be too wrapped up in their own lives to care too much anyway.

“What was that about?”

“Nothing, Kakashi. We were just talking about random stuff. You know how curious they can be.”

“You go out there and fight rogue shinobi every week. How could you be shy?” The green beast asked.

“It’s really nothing. They’re always assuming things about me. I’m reserved, but I wouldn’t say I’m shy, per se…” She stopped to think for a quick second, tapping her foot on the ground. “Actually, I would say I’m just more conscious of the things I say and do than most other people. Not a bad thing at all.”

Kakashi nodded. “It’s good to keep a level head.”

“Exactly. I’m Level headed. Thanks, Kakashi.”

“Now let’s head off to the bar! Sake for everyone!” Gai cheered, throwing his fist up in the air. She nodded, walking up beside the pair as they started off toward the restaurant of their choice, which she hoped was her favorite one with the tastiest fruit juice drinks. She was willing to put out good money to have one good, tispy night of drinks and snacking. It had already been weeks since she had a night off, one time wouldn’t break the bank.

She stood to the right of them, just beside Kakashi. Every now and then she found herself drifting just a bit too close to him, her natural gait leaning toward the left. At one point, she found her hand skim dangerously close to his and she snatched it away to keep herself in check. Holding his hand perhaps was a dream of hers but she wasn’t going to actually try anything.

It wasn’t that she was afraid of Kakashi. Quite the opposite actually. She cared for him so deeply it sometimes made her stomach churn when she thought about it. He was her friend for ages, ever since she could really remember. He was one of the only people she could sit with and feel completely enveloped in a warm comfort, free of judgement and deceit. Gai as well, but Kakashi was different.

Maybe he could be a bit of pervert, and even sarcastic at times, but he was never rude. He had changed over the years from being a know-it-all, little jerk to someone everyone liked and admired, a kind and brave soul.

Unfortunately, it took bouts of death and loss to come about this change, but she wasn’t going to ignore it. He was the best man she knew, and it only seemed natural she fell in love with him. He would probably never feel the same way. He had better things to worry about and other women to long for. He didn’t have his entire life to wait around for a shy woman like herself. That was okay.

As long as he was alive and well, she would be happy.

Maybe one day she would gather the courage to grab his hand, to run her thumb over his knuckles and feel the callouses against her skin. Maybe one day she would have the courage to confess how she felt. Not now, but one day when she was comfortable.

“You okay?” He asked, pulling her out of her deepening thoughts. “You’re walking really slow and uh, your hand…” The man motioned to where she was clutching her wrist against her chest.

“Yes, I’m fine. Just uh, my wrist is sore from training.” She worked her hand in a circle, pretending to stretch it out. He rolled his visible eye, knowingly.

“Sure. Always skipping around the real issues.”

“I’m really okay. I was just thinking hard about something.”

“Anything to do with what you, Sakura, and Ino were talking about?” he suggested, raising a brow.

She groaned. He always knew what she was thinking. It was definitely one of his best and worst qualities depending on the situation. In this case, she felt awkward as she was so lost in thought about him. She felt like a fool. “Maybe it was. But that was girl time and now it’s drinking time. Different topics of discussion.”

“Well, mind telling me what’s got you so caught up? It’s gotta be important.”

“It’s personal.”

“Ah, I see. Well, that’s fine. When you want to talk about it, I’m always around.”

There was silence for a moment, her thoughts running wild in her head. He was so kind, it wouldn’t be bad to tell him how she felt. He would let her down easy, surely. And Gai would be there to cushion her embarrassment, no doubt. He would make things less awkward somehow. She was sure of it.

It was crazy. No way she would say anything. Definitely not.

“I’m interested in someone,” Y/N found herself blurting out before she could stop herself. She just felt so much pressure building up in her chest and the only way she could relieve that feeling was to tell him something, anything about the predicament she was in. She wouldn’t tell him exactly how she felt and about who, but she could vent.

Damn, all this and she didn’t even have her first drink. That man really did something to her.

The men stopped in their path, their heads turning their attention solely to her. She felt her neck and cheeks begin to heat up and her palms start to sweat. Why would she say that? Dammit. She really was a fool.

“Really? Who?” Gai asked. “He’d be a fool to reject you, of course, beautiful flower of the leaf! You do not have to worry!”

“Gai…it’s really not that simple. He is, um, out of my league, I guess you could say,” she muttered nervously, rubbing her palms together to ease her anxiety. “He’s just well, I don’t know, the perfect guy ever.”

She could feel Kakashi tense at her side, and her eyes scanned over him. He didn’t look out of the ordinary but his energy had definitely changed. Strange.

“No one is out of your league, don’t you dare say something like that! If he doesn’t let you down easy, I will use my fists of justice to defend you! Tell me who this mystery man is.”

“This is what Ino meant when she said you were being shy. You aren’t going to tell him, are you?” Kakashi asked, and she noticed the bit of annoyance in his tone. She wondered if he was just upset she was talking about such silly things when they were ready to start drinking. She felt embarrassed. They were adults. Adults don’t talk about this kind of thing. He doesn’t want to hear about the guys she’s interested in, or how she feels about them. Maybe Gai would be interested in it, but not a cool guy like Kakashi.

“Of course not. Like I said, he would just reject me anyway, there’s no point,” she told them. “And Gai, I can’t just tell you who it is. You know you’re a loud mouth; you’d go around telling everyone.” She really didn’t believe Gai would do that to her. He was far too conscious of others feelings for the most part. She just couldn’t risk Kakashi knowing. She would keep it a secret from him.

“Oh come on! Just tell us! I’ll help you out, be your wingman!”

“Maybe I’ll tell you another time. When I’m more confident in myself.”

“Well, what is it that has finally caught out dear friends heart in a web of love? Tell us!” Oh man. He really was nosy sometimes. He meant well, but occasionally he just didn’t know when to stop. Kakashi kept his mouth shut because he understood she was getting uncomfortable, that or he was growing annoyed as she suspected.

Regardless, it was nice to get some of this off her chest, even if it was risky business.

“I don’t really know. He’s smart and considerate, and very brave. He’s handsome as well, that’s a plus,” she smiled, listing off the things she liked about the man standing right in front of her. It felt so exhilarating, talking about her feeling so openly. It was terrifying and relieving at the same time. Y/N exhaled as she thought about him again, “He just makes me feel happy when I’m in my worst moments, that’s all. I mean, what else could I ask for?”

“I see! He sounds like a good guy. Can’t wait to meet him,” he laughed until his eyes widened and he leaned in a bit closer to her face. He pointed his finger at his chest and questioned, “Unless of course, I already know him. It’s not me, is it?

She found herself smiling just a little, her lips curving up at the absurdity of it all. "No definitely not. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I’m wounded, but I understand. My youthfulness is just too strong for you.”

As she thought of something to say, she began to question just why Kakashi hadn’t said anything really at all. It was strange of him, letting the other man do all the talking when normally he asked her questions and at least tried to engage. Maybe he was feeling tired or bored with the conversation. She had to change the subject.

“So uh, let’s get a move on before all the good booths are taken, yeah?”

“Actually, I’m getting tired. I think I’ll just head home for the night, get ready for my mission in two days,” the white haired jounin sighed. They both looked over to him, surprised, but Y/N knew why he needed to go. She had upset him somehow. So much for a fun night between the three of them.

“Kakashi, come on! Don’t bail on us now!”

She took a step back and her eyes trailed up to his, which were narrowed, not angrily just as if he had been hurt or confused she couldn’t tell which. “Oh, are you sure?” Her heart was sinking in her chest seeing him so conflicted.

“Yeah. Got a headache, too.”

“Ah, okay. Well, I’ll see you around sometime?”

“Yeah.”

“Goodbye, rival. Hopefully you are feeling better tomorrow and we can have a real night of drinking indeed!”

And with that, he left to his apartment, leaving the other two behind. She felt her stomach begin to turn uncomfortably, sick from the thought of Kakashi just leaving them like that. He seemed so angry, she couldn’t help but think it was all her fault. It wasn’t in his nature to act that way.

They had already spent so much time apart already that it was tugging at her heart strings. She felt like they rarely saw each other anymore. For him to be angry at her and leave, that meant they would just see each other even less than before. It seemed like a nightmare come true. She really did miss him, like she had said. She missed the fun they would have together and the conversations they shared. She just missed him and there he went, gone off again without so much as a real goodbye.

The woman clutched at her stomach, feeling the tossing and turning overtake her sense with nausea.

Suddenly, before she could contain herself, tears began dripping down her cheeks, and she sucked in her breath. Hot tears warmed her cheeks, and frantically she wiped them away from her cheeks. Her arms wound around her waist and she hugged herself tightly inward, almost as if she would turn into a ball if she could.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?! What happened?”

“It’s Kakashi,” she whispered, trying to keep herself from crying anymore but it only got worse.

“Kakashi? Because he left? It’s okay, we can go drinking another night or-or you and I can just go alone. No problems,” he tried to say but it wasn’t going to work. She didn’t want to go to dinner with Gai and she didn’t want to wait until tomorrow, or whatever the next time they would all be together. She was being stupid and selfish, acting like a spoiled little baby with all this crying. She just couldn’t stop herself.

“It’s not that. There’s something I haven’t told anyone. I don’t know what to do.”

“It’s gonna be fine whatever it is. Just calm down.”

“No, I can’t. It’s so bad, Gai. I’m in love with him, it’s him, and now he’s mad at me and I don’t know what I did wrong,” she confessed, feeling all the words slipping out so easily. How is it that such strong emotions could just cause her to think so irrationally and just let something like this happen? A bout of confessing every feeling she had to her friend who may or may not go and relay all this information to Kakashi. It was stupid. She was just being stupid and reckless.

He nodded carefully, moving to take ahold of her shoulders to steady her. “It’s gonna be okay. He’s not mad at you, I promise. I know Kakashi and I’m sure he really was just feeling sick.”

“Gai, I just…I don’t want him to ever leave me, even over something stupid like this.”

“Trust me, you don’t have to worry about Kakashi leaving you. He would never do something like that. You are one of his closest friends. There’s almost nothing you could do to make him do that, especially if you always have good intent at heart. Trust me, you really don’t ever need to worry,” Gai explained trying his best to reason with her. “You two do everything together. He never stops talking about you! He would never let you go.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am one hundred percent sure!”

“I-I need to go find him. I need to make sure he’s not upset with me,” she said as she pushed herself away from him. He waved to her as she started in the direction of Kakashi’s apartment.

“Goodluck on your mission, Y/N, not that you’ll need it.”

______

Kakashi was just about to enter his apartment when she dashed up the stairs and turned the corner, going so fast she nearly slid into the wall. His eyes widened when he saw her, and he froze in his spot, not turning the key to the door just yet. Her face was flush and chest heaved. He could tell she rushed on her way.

“Y/N, did you run all the way here?”

She stood, catching her breath after just having run all the way across town to find him. Her heart raced as she looked up at him, and she clutched at the railing of the stairs for support. “I wanted to say sorry for whatever I said to make you angry with me. I didn’t know I was being insensitive.”

“I told you I was sick,” he replied, but she knew better. And he knew she did. He wasn’t dumb. They knew each other better than that and there was no pretending.

“I could tell that was a lie. I know you were angry and I felt terrible.”

“Were you just crying?”

She exclaimed back, holding a hand over her heart to maybe try and ease the racing heartbeat, “Maybe. What about it?! I was hurt that I’d offended my friend, isn’t that tear-worthy?” She took a few more deep breaths through her mouth, letting the air fill her up and calm her down. “Why were you so upset?”

“It’s not important.”

“No, no. It’s important to me!”

The man paused, thinking over his next words carefully. He very well knew the real reason he ran away from their conversation like a coward. He actually thought it was obvious. It wouldn’t hurt for her to know. He sighed, “If you really want to know. It’s because I was tired of hearing about your love life. It’s not exactly an entertaining subject.”

She knew it but admittedly she would be lying if she said she didn’t feel her heart break a little at those words. He didn’t care about her feelings enough to just sit there and listen to her talk for a couple minutes? Was she that annoying? So many thoughts ran through her head, and each one made her sad. “I just didn’t want to go a whole night with Gai talking about it,” he added. “It’s nothing to do with you.”

“I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s fine,” he brushed off her apology. “I’m the one who asked about it in the first place.”

“Why- why wouldn’t you want to hear me talk about other men? Why would that be a sore subject for you?” She asked, her curiosity spiking up through the roof. It was strange, the whole situation. He had never backed down from a personal chat before, only this time.

He felt like a deer caught in the headlights suddenly. How was he supposed to reply to that without blowing his cover. “I just don’t like the whole romance thing.”

But they both knew that was a lie. He read romance for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But if he wanted to keep his secrets, she would let him. There was no need to pry. She just hoped he would trust her enough in the future to explain what he meant. Secretly, she wished that it was because he was jealous. That he didn’t want to hear about another man because he wanted to be that guy, her lover. It was a wild thought, a hopeless theory meant to be thrown out, but she could fantasize.

“Kakashi, we’re still good? As friends and all? You’ll go out with me and Gai another time then?”

He nodded, his lips quirking up into just a tiny smile. It was characteristic for her mind to go straight to the worst case scenario. He replied, “Of course. Like I said, it’s not that bad. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay. I’m glad. I really thought I messed up this time.”

“I don’t think there’s anything you could do to make me hate you,” he sighed, leaning his shoulder against his door frame. “The day I let you go is the day I die, Y/N.”

She smiled, closing her eyes and finally taking a relaxed breath. It was done. He wasn’t angry at all. He still cared for her and everything else she could hope for. As long as they could remain friends, it was all gonna be okay. She laughed, “That’s what Gai said. Should have listened to him, huh?”

The both nodded and suddenly they were enveloped in a peaceful silence for a while. She stared down at her feet and he watched her quietly, admiring the way she could be so miserably shy yet so adorable at the same time.

“Do you wanna go catch dinner? Or uh, just drinks like we originally planned, if you want,” he asked, running his hand through his hair. Her eyes brightened at the question, and he’d be stupid not to notice the new shine in them.

“Do you want to go find Gai first?”

“Actually, how about it just be you and me this time? We’ll catch Gai tomorrow morning for breakfast instead.”

“Two meals in two days…I’m not made of money.”

“It’s on me. Don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, jeez. So nice of you, Kakashi. Thank you! Where are we going?” she asked happily, walking up to him and rolling back in the balls of her feet.

“Wherever you want to go.”

“I feel like I’m getting the special treatment. I’m so excited,” she cheered, pulling him in the direction of the stairs by the edge of his sleeve.

He just smiled. It was all he could do. He had the most beautiful woman in the entire world in front of him ready to go on a not-exactly date. They were only friends, and she reaffirmed that today when she mentioned she was interested in someone else.

But for now he could pretend they were a thing. That they were dating and that she loved him and he could openly love her back. He would take her out to dinner and kick at her ankles under the table just to annoy her. And he would take a sip of her drink and pretend it was too sweet for him and watch as she struggled to drink a sip of his liquor.

And after he walks her home that night, he would hug her tight to his chest and he would think about kissing her, to pull down his mask for just a split second and press his lips to hers, but he would refrain. It just wasn’t the right time. Maybe there would never be a right time either, and that was okay.

As long as they could have nights like these, as long as he would feel her in his arms, he was more than happy. He was in love.

Part Two is up.

To Be So Lonely (Gaara x Reader)

A/N: my first ever attempt at a gaara one shot. Essentially, you are permanently disabled due to an accident involving evil jinchuriki gaara, but you never gave up on him. friends to lovers. dramatic confessions. gaara is just so pure and sweet, he deserves all the love and more. perfect baby boy. precious.

ps. this was a very quick write. there may be mistakes, idk. just hopefully someone enjoys.

Word count: 3600 (soo short lmao)

The pair of them walked the aisles of the bakery. He adored how her eyes grew wide when they landed on a particularly shiny loaf of bread or a decadent chocolate cake that she couldn’t help but gush over. Today, after work since it seemed he had a break, he decided he would go with her to the dessert shop she’d been begging him to go visit.

He watched as she hobbled forward on her crutches, leaning some of her weight on walls or tables when she got the chance. He felt genuinely awful. It was his fault she was in that position after all. Nearly ten years ago when she enveloped her in his sand and crushed her leg brutally. He was so lost and hopeless back then, and a mere sparring match was enough to set him off and permanently injure the woman.

He felt like the worst man alive as he watched her walk around, and he followed on soft feet behind her. They were friends. It seemed that even after all he had done, she still cared about him. She walked up to his office the day he became Kazekage, and asked to be his assistant. He couldn’t say no, not with the way she smiled so beautifully at him with those soft lips and sparkling eyes.

Admittedly, he wanted her to be at his side.

She often sat with him in his office when there wasn’t anything too urgent going on, her legs tucked under her and her crutches leant against his desk. She would tell him stories about her day or things that she found funny, and he would listen intently to each word. He adored her voice. It was perfect, the perfect pitch and tone, just enough enthusiasm to blow him away. How she could be so positive when so many things had gone wrong, he wasn’t sure.

He knew that if he asked Naruto, the boy would have the answer for sure. He was so wise with people in that way. After all, Naruto was the reason Gaara was able to change into the man he was today, the man that had Y/N laughing and giggling in the evenings before she went home.

Y/N’s smile was so bright. It practically glowed when she entered the room. He wanted to bottle it up and keep it forever, that is how much he admired her enthusiasm. He couldn’t imagine the pain she went through, and the struggle she goes through daily. He couldn’t imagine the strength she must have to work for him and maintain that attitude that he admired so deeply.

She was so beautiful. He found himself waking up multiple times in the morning with her still on his mind, her eyes and her smile and the way her hair fell around her face. He found himself so lost in the mere thought of the woman, he thought he might be going crazy.

He’d asked his siblings about the situation, on separate occasions, just gauging what two more adjusted people thought of the situation. Each time, they laughed, and told him he simply had a crush on his closest assistant. His sister told him to act on his feelings before she was swept away by some other man from the village. His brother told him she was quite a catch, and he would be lucky if she liked him back. He thought she was only kind to him because he was her boss, essentially. Needless to say, that was a bit rough for Gaara to hear.

He wasn’t sure what he would do if Y/N shared his feelings. She certainly was kind, and the woman he wanted to be with, but he just couldn’t be with her, not after everything he had done. He couldn’t imagine her ever caring for him like that after he took away a huge portion of her mobility. He stole away from her the ability to become a shinobi like she always wanted. He felt like a monster.

There was no way in good conscience, he could accept her affections and burden her with his own. She was too perfect. He wouldn’t ruin her in that way. He couldn’t.

And so he was content just following her around, buying her little goodies here and there to make her happy just one more time before he had to see her off for the night. No doubt, he would dream about her once again tonight, after spending so much time staring into her eyes and hearing her melodic laugh. Sometimes, he found himself looking forward to those nights where she would plague his mind. He could truly be himself in those dreams without any constraint, without an ounce of guilt. He could love her during those nights, and he found himself longing for more and more each day.

She spun around in front of the final glass case in the near empty bakery, and she pointed to some fruit tarts in a little box.

“You want those?”

“Yes, please.”

He pointed them out to the staff, and they bagged them up and slid them across the counter. He got a discount as the Kazekage, and he was more than willing to buy a few things for her. It was the least he could do. Even though he paid her a decent amount for her work, he still felt generous. He liked seeing the way her eyes lit up and her ears perked up with happiness each time he bought her a simple cake or tart. It was so cheap and simple, he felt like he was robbing her. He got so much enjoyment out of seeing her beauty over and over again and all she got was a little dollar dessert.

They walked out of the store, and she sighed, reaching into the bag and taking out the little box. She pulled out the cake and took a quick bite, sighing loudly at the flavor. “Wow, Gaara, this is one of the best ones yet. Try it,” she held out the other side to him.

“No, I’m okay. I’m sure it’s great.”

“Oh, come on.”

He sighed, and took the tart from her hands, taking the tiniest bite from the side opposite of hers. She was right. It was really good. He nodded, his lips curving into a tiny smile as she grinned, giving him a thumbs up. “See, I told you it was really good. I don’t go around picking out crappy sweets.”

“Here, eat the rest. You haven’t had a chance to eat today, have you?” he asked, urging her to take the tart back. She did, and nodded. “You really can’t be doing that, Y/N. It’s not healthy to skip meals like that.”

“I know. I normally don’t but during my lunch break today, I was busy talking to your brother and I lost track of time.”

“So it was Kankuro’s doing? Of course.”

“Oh, jeez. It’s not a big deal. My parents are going to the market today so they’ll no doubt be home with some food for me to eat for dinner. Plus, you got me these awesome tarts for dessert.”

He nodded, a hum leaving his lips. “Still, I’d like if maybe you started eating lunch with me, just so I can make sure you’re getting proper nutrition.”

Her eyes widened, and she began to smile once again. She felt her cheeks begin to heat up from his offer. How could he so casually say something like that? He was never one to really think through the things he said, just saying exactly what was on his mind. “Are you asking me on a lunch date?”

“What?! No-that’s not what I meant,” he blurted out, his own cheeks turning red under her stare. “I just meant it as a friend thing.”

She averted her eyes back down to her dessert, and she took another bite. After giving him a moment of time to cool down, and after she’d swallowed, she replied giddily, knowing it would stir him up once again, “Alright, well, I wouldn’t mind if it was a date thing, just saying.”

He was now nearly as red as his hair, and she burst out laughing. “What?! Y/N, don’t laugh at me!”

“Okay, Kazekage-sama.”

He huffed as he tried to calm down, following as she started off once again to her home. On days like this one, he would walk her home from wherever they had gone, and in turn, he said it was a way for him to see the village. In reality, he had seen the village more than enough time to count, he really just wanted to walk with her home, to feel like he was doing something for her by providing company on the short journey through the streets.

As they approached her home, he knew that this was going to be the end of their outing and he would have to leave her once again. He really enjoyed their time together. It was the only part of the day he looked forward to most of the time, and to see her go always filled his heart with a bit of sadness. It was unreasonable to want anymore time out of her day to himself, but he couldn’t help but want it.

She opened her front door and stepped inside, holding the door open so she could see him standing at the edge of the walkway to her family home. He shifted awkwardly under her stare, one that was absent of a smile and that familiar glimmer in her eye. Things felt serious all the sudden, and it made him nervous.

What had changed all of the sudden? He never expected her next words. They hit him in the chest like a stone, and knocked the air from his chest.

“Gaara, I think I’m in love with you,” Y/N called to the boy standing in her doorway. One outing after another, she found it harder and harder to maintain a neutral guise around him. Y/N really liked him. He was strong. He was a hero. He was a beautifully kind creature whom everyone came to adore.

He stood there in shock, his eyes wide and lips just agape. He wanted her to take back what she’d just proclaimed. He couldn’t accept it. Not when her crutches were right in his view, and her leg was missing right below the knee. He couldn’t handle that confession. Not now, not ever.

It was all his fault.

He turned his head away to the street and sighed, shutting his eyes tightly. “Y/N, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” she asked, fiddling with the bag of groceries in her hands. It took a lot of nerve to confess to him. It takes a lot to go out and profess your love to the Kazekage and the famous Gaara of the sand. He was a celebrity, practically. He wasn’t simply a childhood friend. She was rightfully nervous.

“I’m sorry you feel that way about someone like me.”

“Gaara, stop. Please. What happened, it’s over now. You’ll never be that same person again.”

He grit his teeth, another sigh coming from behind his teeth. “I cannot accept your confession. I’m sorry, but I have to go now. Please, keep this between us, alright?”

It seemed that the end of their rope was near. He had said what he wanted to say, or what he felt needed to be said. He cared for her, he’d cared for her since he could really remember. She was always kind to him, so beautiful and sweet and generous. Y/N was forever forgiving, and he knew that. He was fully aware that she’d forgiven him for what he’d done to her when he was lost in violence all those years ago. He just couldn’t forgive himself. He was forgiving of those who had wronged him, but to give mercy to the person who brutalized the one woman who’d shown him kindness from the beginning, he just couldn’t bear it.

Gaara was a lonely man. He would always be a lonely man, surrounded by people but always just far enough to protect them. He couldn’t let someone like her become close again and risk something else happening. Even if he was non violent now, what’s to say someone else wouldn’t have a grudge against him and target her?

It was all too overwhelming.

“You can’t deny it, Gaara, you love me too,” she called back to him, quiet enough not to disturb the neighbors but loud enough that it rang out in his chest like a gong, echoing there for a minute. She continued softly, “You can’t just pretend there’s nothing between us just because something happened almost a decade ago. You can’t abandon me, not after everything we’ve been through.”

“Y/N, it’s not that easy.”

“It really is that easy. If you care about me, and I care about you, then that’s all that matters. Forget about my leg, please. I’m over it. I’ve grown used to it, so much it’s not a problem,” she explained, “In fact, you treating me like I’m some injured lamb is the real problem. I’m a strong woman. This injury is nothing when it comes to my sheer force of will.”

He felt terrible, really, he felt like every move he made was the wrong one. He felt like he’d travelled down all the wrong paths with this woman, and she still loved him. Despite everything, she loved him without fault. He was her best friend. The friend who stole her leg from her so young. He was beyond conflicted.

His eyes flickered around the street, and she could feel his paranoia. It would be quite scandalous if someone caught them out here talking about something as personal as this. He was the Kazekage after all, whether he was experiencing normal 22 year old emotions or not.

Y/N grabbed his hand and tugged him quickly into her home. Her parents were gone for the day to the shops, so they weren’t there to intervene, not that they would be too pleased to see their daughter with the red haired boy. Yes, they were proud to have him as their Kazekage, standing strong and tall for the nation. But the injuries he had inflicted on their daughter were a bit too severe to ever completely forgive him. They could never give Gaara their blessing, nor did they truly approve of their friendship. Y/N and Gaara knew this. It only caused his guilt to hang heavier in his chest.

She shut the door behind him, and sighed as she leant her shoulder against the wall, a bit of pressure taken off her sole leg and her arms propped up on the sticks.

“Gaara, how do you feel about me? Really?” she asked.

He wanted to say nothing, to just turn away and pretend he hadn’t heard the question. But he knew that wasn’t an option. He would tell her everything. “I enjoy your company, more than I care to admit. You are so beautiful and kind, I always want you around, especially when work gets rough.”

Y/n stood silent as she let him keep going, to get what he was feeling off his chest. There wasn’t really an outlet in his life to get out all these pent up emotions. He could use a shoulder to lean on sometimes, just as much as anyone else.

“You’re right,” he groaned, “I love you.”

A soft breath caught in her chest at his words. It was true that she had a feeling he felt that way for her, but it was a different thing to hear his words reach her ears. His breathy, raspy voice and the exasperation carried in his tone. The way his eyes refused to meet hers he was so afraid. She felt a shiver run up her spine, and she had to take a deep breath to calm herself down. “Then what’s the point in fighting it?”

“It’s wrong. What I did to you, you’ll never be the same again and it’s all my fault. I don’t know if I could bring myself to look at you everyday knowing that I hurt you so badly. Back then, I didn’t even have remorse. I-I…”

“It’s okay! You’ve changed, time and time again, you’ve shown me that you’re not the same man you used to be. You are so brave and caring and considerate. You care about me and all the other villagers. You changed, and I love the man you’ve become.”

“Does that mean you can forgive me for what I’ve done?”

“I would forgive you a thousand times over.”

“Y/N…”

“You’re the man of my dreams. Please, don’t deprive me of that.”

When his eyes met hers, he wanted to melt away in her arms. She really didn’t care about what he had done, she just wanted him for who he worked so hard to become, the man that Naruto pushed him to be. She raised his arms, and found himself walking right into them. Her head hit his shoulder, and he let out a long shaky breath. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you, too, Gaara. I truly do.”

And when she pressed her lips to his, he found himself falling deeper in love with her. She was so soft and gentle in his arms, against his skin, flush and warm like he’d always imagined. He never really expected himself to find someone, not after all he’d done and the man he made himself out to be. He never imagined the kiss of a person on his lips, or the feeling of someone’s arms wound around his body. He only imagined pain.

Yet, here she was. The most forgiving angel in the entire world.

“Y/N L/N, what the hell is this? Dammit, can’t you do this somewhere else, you foolish girl?” a voice called through the door, and when they peered between the curtains, the sight of her mother and father walking up the path to the front door, grocery bags piled in their arms. Her mother’s face was quite red, a small smile gracing her mouth, while her father was another story. Completely exhausted with everything.

Gaara pulled away quickly, his head ducking down so his eyes only met the floorboards. He was Kazekage, why was he so afraid of some old man and his paper sack full of rice? He wasn’t completely sure. All he knew was that Y/N stood there with that beautiful smile, her cheeks puffing out from embarrassment. “It’s okay. They aren’t angry. You might want to head on back home, though.”

The elderly couple opened the door, and he found himself face to face with her mother who smiled, corners of her eyes crinkling. “It’s about time, you sweet boy.”

Her father roared, feeling himself growing hotter with every second that passed. “About time for what, Rise? This man to come in here and violate our daughter-”

“Shush, dad. It was all me this time,” Y/N piped up from the back, which only fueled the fire.

“Of course! You’ve always been so promiscuous, Y/N. How could I expect any less?” he rolled his eyes. “And about you, Kazekage boy.”

“Be gentle, Tanaka.”

“Instead of hurting my daughter, I expect you to protect her as if your life depended on it, you hear me? I won’t have someone coming into my house and hurting my children,” he demanded, and Gaara could only nod. He had never been in a situation quite as terrifying as this one, he had to admit. He felt like he had been caught in the middle of some heinous act, even if it was only kissing the object of his affections. He was more than embarrassed, he thought he might crumble into a million tiny pieces.

He replied, “Of course. I’d never let anything hurt Y/N, sir.”

“That’s what I thought. Now get out of here. You can see your little girlfriend some other time, she has chores.”

“Dad!”

“Enough.”

Gaara nodded to the family of three before opening the door and walking through the threshold. “Goodbye, Gaara!” As he peered back over his shoulder, he was once again stunned by her smiling face, her small hand waving to him as he shut the door behind him. He felt his heart beating faster as he walked down the street back to the Kazekage’s mansion.

Has life always felt this good? He wasn’t too sure. He felt high, like he was floating above the ground with each footstep. Maybe giving the good life, giving Y/N, a chance, was going to work out in his favor. He could feel happiness creeping up his chest and rumbling through his stomach. His cheeks turned red at the thought of his now girlfriend in her home getting scolded by her father, and he couldn’t help but imagine the next day when she would report to his office to pick up paperwork and maybe he could swipe another kiss.

When he walked into his home, he brushed by his brother whose brows perked up upon seeing his expression. “What’s got you looking so whipped, Gaara?”

“It’s nothing, Kankuro.”

“Y/N, right?”

“Maybe.”

His brother’s loud laughter rung out in the empty hall. He patted his brother’s back with a firm hand, practically congratulating him for getting a girlfriend. It was strange in that way, thinking about it like that. He now had a girlfriend to hug and hold, to keep tightly clasped in his heart for as long as she would allow.

Life was too good. He slept better that night than he had in a long while. All because of this one person who’d wormed their way so easily into his heart.

Falling II (Kakashi x Reader)

A/N: part two of the hanahaki AU. Ive really been struggling getting back into writing, it took me nearly 6 months to get out this two parter and i’m genuinely sorry for that. Essentially in this kakashi finds out about ur hanahaki disease and you struggle with a tough decision to make.

Word count: 5500

____

Y/N and her team arrived home once again, but not without difficulties. Of course, she was one of the Hokage’s most trusted shinobi and could complete any mission successfully, that didn’t mean her team hadn’t had their ass kicked a couple times along the way. Normally a mission as easy as this one would have been a breeze, if not for the sickness plaguing her.

She’d seen it all. Poisons of all kinds on every weapon imaginable, people from every nation with all types of chakra nature, bugs and wildlife you wouldn’t imagine. The problem recently was this pain in her chest, it held her back from doing her job properly.

“Y/N, if you’re getting too old to do this kind of thing, you can always advise Kakashi,” Shikamaru would tell her offhandedly when she’d collapse after each battle, coughing and gasping for breath. He didn’t understand what was wrong with her, didn’t need to. Something was seriously fucked up and she needed help. He told her to see a medical nin, but she always refused.

She would never go to the hospital, not for Gai or Shikamaru, or anyone else that expressed their concerns. She was fine the way she was, and if it got worse then so be it. She would soldier on until the very moment she couldn’t muster the strength anymore.

Perhaps that was out of fear, that or pride, the woman didn’t know. It didn’t matter anyway. Chances are she was going to die. All she wanted to do was cherish the time she had left, going on missions and seeing her friends.

Her team walked her through the gates before going their separate ways. She was the leader so she would report their findings to Kakashi for the day. They were probably hungry and tired after such a tedious journey, so she was happy to see them off to take care of themselves. She adjusted the bag on her shoulder and took a deep breath, feeling the wood restrict her chest from inflating with air as she waved them goodbye with a strained smile.

With a shaky breath, she made her way up to the Hokage tower, passing by the guards and each doorway. She didn’t need permission to enter, even at this late hour. Normally a shinobi might wait until morning to report on their mission when the Hokage was ready for guests, despite him staying up a lot of nights working anyway. Whenever he was there, she was welcome as well.

Not that the woman wanted to visit him like that anymore. He was far too busy to listen to her stories, or hear her complain about one thing or another. She stayed at home alone, imagining the days when he would sit down with her after missions and get barbeque, on her of course, that cheapskate. Maybe she could have made an effort to find time to be together outside of work, but she felt guilty. It was selfish to take him away from the village when she felt like being needy.

He had plenty of friends anyway. What made her so special? What made it okay for her to just waltz into the room and visit him, even if he was drowning in work? God, she just felt so pathetic as her eyes rose up the door and she did her best to compose herself. Straighten her back and pinch her cheeks in an attempt to bring some healthy color to her face

Deep breaths.

“Kakashi?” she rasped, knocking on the office door which was only slightly ajar. Her voice was hoarse after walking up all those stairs, a feeling similar to collapse creeping up to her. She was just so tired, with the pain bearing heavy on her entire form. Her hand went to grab at the wooden doorframe, supporting herself as she waited for a reply.

“Y/N?” he asked from within the depths of the Hokage’s office, littered high with boxes of paperwork and reports. “What’s wrong?”

Cough.

"I-I’m okay. I came to give you the reports from the last mission. We just got back,” she told him, taking a step inside the room and softly shutting the door behind her. He was relaxed behind his desk, swallowed by paperwork but still just chilling in his big Hokage chair. The lights of Konoha’s nightlife sparkled behind him through the round window, and she admired the way they lit up his concerned eyes.

He really was the most beautiful man, even after all this time. Especially with the light highlighting the sharpness of his jaw and the boldness of his eyes. She watched as he turned his head, undeniably soft hair bounced utop his head, something she found quite charming. Her heart raced at the thought, and she had to fight down the heat rushing up her neck. Her chest ached as the seconds flew by, but she didn’t think it was serious enough to warrant leaving. Not yet.

Wheeze.

The harder she tried to take in a full deep breath, the more she began to crumble.

“No, something is wrong,” he shook his head and pressed on, “Something has been wrong for months now. You’re sick.”

She felt her cheeks begin to heat up under his interrogation. He was right, and she should have known he was going to mention it sooner or later. Surely he’d noticed a long time ago, but he kept his mouth shut out of respect for her. She replied back shortly, “I just have allergies. It’s nothing serious.”

He dismissed her quickly, waving his hand at the mere thought of it just being allergies. He had allergies, everyone has allergies. These weren’t it, and if they were, Tsunade would have fixed her up with a prescription years ago. “Cut the act. I know you.”

What was she to say? She felt at a loss for words. It wasn’t like she could just explain her bouts of hanahaki. He wouldn’t understand, and he would no doubt push her to make a decision once he knew the severity of the situation. If only she could pretend to be normal just until she was done with this meeting. If only he would give up and stop pestering her, maybe everything would be okay.

But that’s not how things work.

“Just leave it alone. We have mission reports to go over.”

He was tempted to do just that and leave her alone about the entire thing, since she seemed to want to be difficult about it. But how could he when she was sicklier every day, and he could see the way she yearned for a full deep breath. It had been a few months now, and it was getting exponentially worse with each week that passed.

He was worried. So worried, he thought he might escort her to the hospital himself with all the power he possessed.

“Y/N, you can tell me anything, you know that? If you need to talk-”

Wheeze. She hated that he cared so much. It made everything so much harder.

“Kakashi, please,” she coughed out, pressing a hand to her chest in an attempt to appease these pains she was feeling. Unsurprisingly, nothing helped. She let her bag drop from her shoulder to the ground as her arms and knees struggled to hold the weight. “Oh god, not now.”

“What’s happening?” The hokage questioned and he moved from his seat, rushing toward her in an attempt to break her fall. He narrowly missed as her knees hit the floor with a painful thud.

She hunched over as shockwaves of torment climbed through her chest, into her lungs, throat, and mouth. Blood rose to her tongue and she spat that out onto the floor, staining the carpet red. The bitter metallic taste only agitated her nausea, stomach turning so strongly her head began to spin.

This was bad. This was really truly bad. There was nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide. He had triggered an attack and now she was trapped in his presence.

The facade as she knew it was falling apart.

She coughed harshly toward the ground, saliva and blood dripping from her lips, staining the carpet. Tears welled up in her eyes and she sobbed through the pains. More coughing ensued and she tried to swallow back the contents, she really did. It worked at first, the rotten petals being swallowed into her stomach.

“We need to get you to Sakura right away,” her friend demanded, the panic obvious in his voice. He stared down at her like she had two heads, scared to death of what was happening. He didn’t know the extent of her suffering, what she must have been hiding from him. If this is what she was going through on a regular basis due to his negligence…he couldn’t forgive himself.

He went to pick her up from the ground, cradle her to his chest and run her to the infirmary for help, just as he had before when she was broken, only this time instead of embracing his kindness, Y/N used the last of her strength to shove him away. He sat back beside her and felt his hands itching to do something, to rescue her from this pain. “Don’t be stupid, Y/N. We have to go.”

“No. Sakura can’t help. No one can help,” the woman moaned between coughs. She longed to feel his touch, for him to carry her off to the hospital and hold her close to his chest like that. Like the moment she found herself beginning to fall in love with him. It would only cause the attack to grow worse though. Every move he made and second he spent caring for her would bring about these issues. “Just sit with me until it’s over.”

He wasn’t convinced. How could he be? She was coughing up blood right in front of him. Was he supposed to take that lightly? Still, he found himself sinking to his knees beside his friend, waiting with a blunt absence of much patience if any at all..

The flowers started shortly after. Red and pink petals coming out in dense bunches, coated in blood and saliva from the tears along her throat. She watched as they fell to the floor within his gaze. He made no sound but she knew he was shocked from the way his entire body tensed at her side.

Thankfully, it was almost over, the finale just at the back of her throat.

A rose stem finally poked up and hit the roof of her mouth. With a tentative touch, the woman reached her fingers in, pinching the wooden stick and slowly pulling out the thorny branch complete with a bright red rose on the end. She gagged as it came up, fear of vomit coming with it. Miserably, Y/N held the branch out in front of her and cried harder as she felt the fit finally subside, allowing air into her lungs again.

“Y/N…”

She couldn’t stop herself from crying now, snot dripping from her nose and tears from the chin. How embarrassing that he was to see her like this. It was all supposed to be a secret, and he was the one real person she was desperately trying to keep it from. So far she’d dodged him anytime she felt the attacks coming up. Hiding in storefronts and launching herself into bushes just to avoid this entire situation.

“How long has this been going on?! Why did you keep this from me?” He asked, anger rising up in his throat through a thick veil of confusion. Despite being a calm and collected person, he cared deeply for a childhood friend, as anyone would. He could feel his heart pumping in his chest, faster and faster the longer he thought about her predicament.

Y/N was dying. Not just sick, but dying. Gone forever in the blink of an eye. The tale was as old as time, a tragic romance full of angst and hurt and pain and loss. Jiraiya even wrote a novel about the disease, as much as it seemed like a work of creative genius, the harsh reality of it all slapped him in the face. This entire time, while he was in his office dozing off and signing papers mindlessly, he had been watching her slowly march toward her grave and hadn’t even known.

He felt ashamed. He felt angry. Burning up inside at himself for being so ignorant. For letting himself get caught up so deeply in his own world that he couldn’t see something so heartbreaking happening right in front of him. He was so tired, they all were, but that was no excuse.

She couldn’t look at him. Not now. Preferably, never again. Instead she turned away from him and shut her eyes, imagining what expressions might be running across his features. She pleaded softly, barely loud enough for him to hear amongst her harsh breaths and cries.

“Please don’t.”

“Don’t what? Worry about you? Want to know what’s happening? Why you have Hanahaki and haven’t seen Tsunade yet?”

She shivered. He cared. So much. It felt wrong, so guilty and malicious, to keep such important secrets from him. “I can’t, Kakashi. You wouldn’t understand.”

Maybe he couldn’t understand, that was a good possibility, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try and empathize. They were best friends. At least, he would consider them so. It stung to know she hadn’t confided in him. Did she really mistrust him so strongly that she hid this from him? He scolded himself. Of course she wasn’t coming to him with all her problems, he was Hokage. They weren’t soldiers hiding out in each other’s rooms at night, gossiping about this and that. He was her boss, a busy, burdened man. She was a soldier, never home and living off food pills.

He pressed his hands firmly over his eyes and groaned. He wanted to be a hero, protecting her just as he did before his promotion. Now, he felt weak, pathetically stupid watching her crumbling as blood and spit dribbled down her chin.

“Why not? I understand that if you let this get any worse you’ll die. Is that not enough?”

A surge of courage ran through her as she lifted her eyes to meet his. They were dim, burdened and exhausted. It had been a long time since she’d seen him look so defeated, and this time it was completely her doing. Y/N grimaced and looked back at the flowers on the carpet.

Her words hit him clear in the chest as she whispered, “I’m just afraid. I’m scared, Kashi. It hurts so much.”

“Why don’t you do something about it?”

“Because I can’t confess to him, but at the same time, I can’t lose him forever. I just can’t,” she sighed, “I need him.”

“This man…Y/N, he can’t be worth more than your entire life. Be rational.”

She smiled bitterly and shook her head. “That’s what you won’t understand. To me, he is worth dying for. That has been true even before all this mess. Even before this sickly love that cursed me. I’d give up everything, even my life, just to love him until the end of my time here.” She sighed, swiping away a stray tear in her eye. “I never knew love could be like this. I loved my parents, my friends, boyfriends and crushes, but nothing can compare to how I feel now.”

Kakashi flicked his eyes up to the ceiling and held his breath. His chest was tight at her words, sickness rolling over him. He wanted to press his hands over his ears and ignore her, drown out the thought of her intense love for someone other than him. It was wrong to be jealous, to be so expectant that she was going to fall in love with him when he put in such little effort to sweep her off her feet. He had no right to be upset.

Yet he was. He wanted to cry. His best friend and the love of his life was going to die because she was in love. With someone else.

Fuck.

“Have you ever known a love like that, Kakashi?”

“I can’t say I have.”

Only, that was a lie.

He couldn’t imagine a man that would be so high and mighty she might die for him, give up everything she ever had just to keep him in her heart until her last painful moments. He wanted to yell at her, scold her for being so stupid and reckless.

Yet, he knew love was hard to comprehend. It took him years to come to terms with his own feelings, and even now he felt himself stumbling down the wrong path. He understood what she was going through to an extent, and it only made him feel worse. Maybe that’s why he was so desperate to know, to change her mind.

"Who is it?” Kakashi asked finally, after a moment of contemplation.

“You know it’s not that simple.”

“It really is though. You used to tell me everything.”

“It’s just not the same anymore,” she confessed, and he felt his heart crack into more tiny pieces. Was what they had before gone? Did he ruin everything? “I hid this from you for a reason. I didn’t want to bother you with something so intense. You have so much work to do, and I can handle myself-”

“You can’t just handle something like this! You need help.” He groaned inwardly. It would be just his luck that the woman of his affections not only was desperately and hopelessly in love with another man, but she refused to communicate. Why wouldn’t she just listen to him? The answer was right there. She even had two options to choose from. “Just tell the man and get it over with. If he rejects you, then you would be better off without him anyway.”

“Ignorance is bliss. I’d rather die than feel the heartbreak knowing he never loved me and then live the rest of my life with a missing piece from my heart. I’d be half the person I am today without him.”

Fucking stupid, he thought. Poetic bullshit. He clenched his fists at his sides in an attempt to release the tension that was building up in his muscles. His heart pounded in his chest as he felt the blood pressure rise in his veins. His gaze couldn’t help but flicker toward the bunches of hydrangeas and the rose stem on his office floor, pools of blood sunken into the carpet. The thought of her enduring this pain for so long, all alone. He was fucking sick.

“Please, you have to do something. At least see Tsunade.”

“I’ll go see her, but I doubt much will come of it.”

“Thank you,” he mumbled, “A little peace of mind knowing the best medical nin in the world is monitoring you.”

She nodded, her eyes trailing up to meet his face once again. He looked positively heartbroken, and for a moment, she was tempted to confess it all to him. To leap into the unknown and see what happened.

But she was never one to take risks.

Soft words fell from her lips, nothing else to say but a bitter apology.

“I’m sorry, Kakashi.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

______

Y/N kept up with her promise, visiting Tsunade in the hospital upon special request. Normally, the woman would refuse an appointment in her retirement, but this was upon recommendation from the Hokage so she found it quite difficult to refuse. He wasn’t the type to make a fuss of anything, after all. It would have been just as easy to see Sakura, but the Hokage and his Hanahaki kunoichi doubted the young girl would have any clue about the ancient disease.

As she sat in the waiting room, she anticipated the worst to come. Tsunade’s judgement. A terrible diagnosis. Even worse treatment options. She wished that just maybe the old woman had a way to fix it all without taking away her memories. It was a baseless dream, but she could hope.

“L/N, come in,” the medical nin voice called from down the hall and shakily she stood from the chair. Her knees felt weak and her head was spinning with thoughts. She tried to smile at the woman as she entered the room, but instead an ugly, awkward grimace came out.

“I’m not one to make assumptions, Y/N. I’m here to help you,” she drawled, her eyes running slowly up and down the younger woman, examining, “But with the way Kakashi demanded I see you immediately, well, you can see why I might be coming to some wild conclusions.”

“It’s really not what you would think.” Her breathy words were hoarse, and she cleared her throat in her hand to make it easier. “It’s in my chest. It’s um-” How could she explain this properly without sounding silly or dramatic. “Maybe you should just check it out for yourself.”

“Take a seat.”

Her hands hovered an inch or so above Y/N’s chest, a green light emanating from her palms. It only took a moment, a long moment of silence and concentrating before her eyes widened. She leaned in closer, as if to check again, just in case she sensed something incorrectly.

“There’s something in there. It’s…it’s alive.”

Y/N coughed into her sleeve, not quite at the beginning of a fit of hacking but enough to hurt and sting her throat. When she lowered her arm, the unmistakable sight of blood stained the fabric. Something stuck to the back of her throat, and she felt herself beginning to gag. Carefully, she reached into her mouth and grasped the loose object lodged there. A rose bud, pink but slick with crimson blood.

She displayed the flower for her elder to see, and Tsunade sucked in a tight breath.

“I’ve never seen this before, not in all my life, Y/N. I’ve heard rumors of it happening in small villages but I didn’t think-”

She rasped, “It was real? Yeah, me neither.”

“How long?”

“About four months now.”

“How could you wait this long? I’ve never heard of someone lasting more than six months without treatment!” She exclaimed, taking a step back. “It’s probably done irreversible damage to your lungs.”

She sighed, “I know.”

Tsunade turned her back to the girl and walked to the cabinet, pulling a tube and syringe from the drawer. “I need to take your blood, and we will have to schedule extensive scans and tests for later. I-I just can’t believe you of all kunoichi would disregard your health like this,” she scolded, working to tie a tourniquet around the young woman’s arm. “And to think we considered you as the sixth Hokage. Unbelievable.”

Wow, that was a low blow, but she rightfully deserved it.

Y/N knew what she had done was wrong and stupid, but she hadn’t changed her mind on what she wanted to do. She would let Tsunade do her testing, get some information and research done for healing others in the future, but she would refuse treatment. She hadn’t given up on her stance.

She didn’t even flinch as the needle pierced her vein and blood was pulled through. “I’m going to die soon, Tsunade.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. We have a cure-”

“Not an option.”

She raised a brow, peering up at the woman for a second from her handywork. “Not an option?! Don’t be fucking stupid.”

“I don’t want it,” she repeated herself firmly, despite the weakness in her voice, “We all know the tales. The terrible things that happen to a person’s emotions and memories during the treatment. I just can’t go through with it.”

“Well, you do know quite a few people are going to have a problem with that, don’t you?” A couple people came to mind, including the obvious ones like Kakashi and Shizune and her team, even if they’d grown independent of her by now. Her chest burned at the thought, and another cough ran through her.

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t want a life without my memories. They are a part of me. He is a part of me.”

Tsunade tucked the vial of blood in her coat pocket and exhaled. In the stories, it was common for people with Hanahaki to react this way, to pick this option. It was cruel, but that is what love does. She could understand the inherent need to stay close to her lover, after all, the medical nin had lost the greatest loves of her entire life over the years and suffered every bit afterwards.

Certainly, she could understand the fear Y/N held in her heart. But letting herself die over it? It was tough to just watch that happen, yet she couldn’t make the decision for her.

“It’shim, isn’t it?”

“Depends on who you mean.”

“Don’t play me for an idiot. It’s Kakashi Hatake. It’s been obvious since I became Hokage, you fool. Why do you think I assigned you so many missions together?” Y/N only ducked her head, and the medical nin took that as confirmation of her suspicions. She rolled her eyes at the obvious nature of the entire thing. This really was foolish, just like this young woman. “You need to tell him.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

She confessed, “I’m scared. What if he doesn’t reciprocate? Wouldn’t I be a dummy then? Going through all of this suffering for nothing?”

“Is your life worth nothing to you?”

“It is, but I just can’t lose him, not when I have the choice,” Y/N told her elder with a deep sigh. “I’d like to die happy. I’d like to die with Kakashi at my side. Even if he only cares for me as a friend, I can still pretend with my last dying breaths that he loved me the same way I loved him.”

“And if he does love you?”

“He doesn’t.”

“You have no idea-”

“Kakashi will never love me in that way. There’s no point, and you can’t change my mind.”

“Fine, choose to live the rest of your life in agony because of your cowardice,” the blond put bluntly, turning her back to her patient. “But just know, whether Kakashi loves you romantically or not, he will miss you when you die. He will mourn your loss like no other. He will cry for nights on end and he will beg whatever fucking diety there is out there to bring you back to him.”

“Tsunade-”

“Trust me, you will never forget this kind of loss. It sticks with you, it haunts you, it makes you consider terrible, awful things just for a chance to see them again. Kakashi can’t lose someone else, Y/N,” she said, her head turned downward. “For fuck’s sake, girl, don’t be so selfish.”

With that, the woman left the room and shut the door harshly behind her. Y/N fell back on the patient’s table and shut her eyes, feeling tears brim the edges of her eyes. Was Tsunade right? Would Kakashi really react that way? She couldn’t possibly imagine him crying himself to sleep over someone as simple as her.

But after hearing such intense words, she wondered if maybe it was better to confess after all. Just to save her friend from a world of heartbreak. The decision would be hard to make, but she had time left. She still had so much time to make up her mind.

____

It was nearing the end, with the branches wrapping around her ribs and threatening to penetrate her organs. Y/N could tell that it was almost time to say goodbye, and each night as she lay in the hospital bed staring out the window, she cried. She didn’t know if she was doing the right thing, letting herself die. Her friends begged her to do something about it, to save herself but she just couldn’t.No matter how many long nights she spent contemplating everything, she couldn’t go through with the surgery.

The thought of that void in her heart forgetting Kakashi would make…it was too painful. Yes, she was terrified, and the pain meds they gave her could only do so much. She was in agony, and would be until her last moments. Kakashi sat at her side, book in hand but his eyes rarely went to scan the pages. Instead he watched her silently. Bravely. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t let her know how terrible he was feeling inside and make the whole experience worse for her. It was different dying on the battlefield, so quick you don’t know what’s happening to you until it’s already done.

Unlike now.

The researchers would come into the room every now and then to take notes on her condition, and the doctors would run through to make sure she was comfortable with what pain medication they had. Everything still hurt though, just not as bad as it had been before. She had a living, growing bush of roses in her chest. No amount of morphine could dull that ache.

“Do you think Gai will stop by again tonight?” she asked, feeling her heart beginning to race just at the thought of that loud mouthed, energetic fool coming to see her. While he could not match the somber atmosphere completely, he did try. “And Shizune?”

“I’m not sure.”

She turned her head to the side and coughed aggressively, blood splattering on the clean bed linens. She cleared her throat, spitting up the twigs that got stuck in her teeth. “Please, tonight, I need you to gather everyone. My old teammates, Gai, Naruto, Shizune. Bring them to me one last time.”

One last time? No. He shook his head. That couldn’t be right. She had more time left.

He reached over to gently cradle her cheek in his palm. She shivered at the feeling of his calloused fingertips against her neck, and at the intimate touch she couldn’t help but start having a fit. Her lungs seemed to be giving up on her as she coughed up flower after flower, littering her lap with sticky wet flora.

He still held her through it all. After all, he’d come every day and seen her at her worst. He might not be her lover, but she trusted him enough to hold her as she died so agonizingly slow. He had duties as Hokage, yes, but he would spend his days rushing work just to spend all night with her. The bags under his eyes darkened with each near sleepless night.

He cursed the man who caused this disturbing illness. He hadn’t even had the decency to visit her this entire time. After a month in the hospital, Kakashi asked for her visitor logs to see if there was some clue as to who was doing this to her. Only a few men around her age had visited: Gai, Genma, and Kakashi himself. It was hard to believe she’d developed romantic feelings for either of the other two men. She just never seemed close enough to them.

Maybe he was just dimwitted and hadn’t noticed her attachment to someone else. Maybe it was Genma, who knows. She wasn’t confessing to anyone. At this point, if he could get her to confess her undying love to even Orochimaru and see her live another day, he’d be content.

When she was done coughing, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and groaned, leaning her head further into his touch. It provided comfort, enough to ease the pain even a fraction. Her chest struggled to expand now, being full of thick restricting branches.

“Kakashi, I don’t think I can do this much longer,” she wheezed.

“I know.”

Maybe it was because her death wasn’t sudden, that he had time to prepare for it, but he didn’t feel tears in his eyes nor did he have a knot in his throat. He simply felt hopeless. He would lose another person he loved, viciously continuing an endless cycle of loss.

God, he loved her. For as long as he could remember, he had his eyes on her. Perhaps not always in the romantic sense, but he wanted her companionship. It wasn’t until he started having daily nightmares about her brutal death, whether it be by enemy or his own hand that he knew he was in too deep. He cared too much, and his desire to protect her interfered in his life. To make sure not a single bad thing ever happened to her again, it burdened him in his work and personal life. Ever since the abduction all those years ago, he realized he loved her, that he needed her to live until they grew old and bickered with each other in the retirement home. He had so many wants, so many fever dreams of a happy ending that would never come true.

It broke his heart.

“Are you sure you don’t want the treatment? It’s not too late,” he pleaded, even though he knew the answer.

“I’ve accepted what’s about to happen. You have too, haven’t you?” she tried to smile, “You were always the most mature out of all of us, you know.”

Not really. He would consider it anyone but him. Kurenai was a mother with a wise soul. Y/N was a strong warrior who didn’t like to play games. Gai was a gymnast who never stopped grinding once in his entire life. Kakashi compared to them was just a silly man stuck in the past, reading his romance novels and posing as a leader.

“Please, change your mind,” he tried once again, but she just ignored him, looking off into the room mindlessly. He felt his shoulders tense, and he tried to quell the anger that was bubbling in his stomach. He found himself spilling his thoughts faster than he could filter them out. “Look at me for once. Y/N. Just look me in the eyes and tell me you want to die. That is what you really want?”

She bit back a few tears as she turned her head and met his eyes. Her lips opened to say something, but she quickly shut them and turned her eyes away. She wasn’t suicidal. She wanted so badly to live, more than anything else in the world she wanted to live her full life with her family.

He nodded, confirming what he already thought.

He groaned, “Fuck, I’m tired of pretending this is okay. That you dying for some loser is something I’m okay with.”

“Kakashi-”

“No, you need to think about me for once. Me, alright? Have you ever considered my feelings for one second?” She pulled her head away from his hand and turned away, shame masking her eyes. Honestly, she hadn’t even thought about him as a friend. All this time, she only considered him a possible lover. Even after her conversation with Tsunade, she still only considered her own feelings. “I’ve spent years putting you on this pedestal. I’ve protected you the best I could from rogue ninja, terrorists, fuck, even resurrected Uchiha freaks. It feels like my entire life has revolved around you, and now you do this to me? You take away a piece of my heart so easily?”

She sniffled, lifting her hand to rub her eyes of any stray tears. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Exactly. You are selfish,” he said. He shut his eyes for a moment to take a breath. “Will you consider what I have to say?”

“I’ll try.”

“I have been thinking a lot lately about this entire thing and it’s all been so simple this entire time,” he muttered, his eyes rolling up to the ceiling for a moment as he worded his next statement. “We can be a family, Y/N. You and I. I know it might seem strange, the thought of coming home to my dumbass and a bunch of talking dogs, but I promise you, I’ll do whatever I can to make you happy.” The man reached out and took her hand in his. Her mouth felt dry as she processed his words, confusion and denial running thick in her mind. “If you get this treatment and you survive…maybe you can try loving me, because I can’t give up on you.”

“Kakashi, that’s not how this works.”

“Why not? Why can’t we have a happy ending?”

“I-I don’t know.”

“Just be happy with me,” he pressed, squeezing her hand tightly in his. “I’d do anything for you, I’m just asking you to do one thing. Why can’t you just forget about that other bastard?”

She felt herself brimming over with emotion. A knife could cut through the tension in the hospital room and she felt the tears gather in the corners of her eyes. She squeezed them shut as the truth finally broke free. “Because you’re the reason this is happening to me. You caused this, and if you don’t love me right here and right now as we are, I can never get better.”

“You’re telling me-” he paused, a deep and tired groan leaving his lips. “Love you?! Of course I love you! What do you think all this was about? Why do you think I’ve been here every night mourning for you?” He questioned, standing from his seat and taking a step back. He ran a heavy hand through his hair as his eyes wandered the room. A strange mix of relief and frustration ran cold through his body as he thought about the mess they were in. “This whole time, I thought you knew. I thought you were in love with some other man and letting me down easy,” he told her.

The next breath she took was suddenly a lot easier.

“Oh.”

She leaned back in the bed, letting her empty head hit the pillows. All this pain, all this worrying, for nothing. She felt like the biggest idiot in the world. A huge coward for keeping this to herself when it could have been resolved months ago, when the first petal rose up in her throat. Yet, how was she supposed to know? He was a nice guy, she just assumed he acted similarly with everyone.

“I just wish you would have said something to me. Any hint at how you felt. All this suffering was for nothing,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Despite being elated that the woman of his dreams was in fact in love with him all this time, he was exasperated and tired. The emotional turmoil everyone was going through because of this foolish relationship was embarrassing now that everything was seemingly resolved.

“I’m sorry, Kakashi. I don’t know what to say. I was just too afraid of rejection. I was so scared because I knew I was dying, but the thought of losing you,Kakashi, I couldn’t stand it. I would rather die than lose those feelings,” Y/N explained. Her hands quivered in her lap as she confessed such deeply emotional thoughts to him, things she had kept buried inside her for months now. “I’ve spent years not acknowledging it. I only realized after you stood there waiting for me in that terrible storm on the day I nearly lost my life how much you meant to me. You were the home I wanted to come back to.”

He could only stare at her weakly, his lips turned down in a pitiful wince. They really were a pathetic bunch, dancing around their feelings for so long it led to something so disastrous as this. He hadn’t confided in a single person his feelings for the woman. He was a private person. He just wondered if maybe he had told someone, maybe if he confessed to her all those years ago when he fell in love for the first time, things would be different.

“I was serious when I said we could be a family. I know it’s not much, and I know I’m busy with work most days, but I would like to try,” he said. “I can take care of you, Y/N, for the rest of our lives. All I’ve ever wanted was to take care of you, to wrap you up and protect you from this awful world. I’m just so disappointed I was the one that put you in this position.”

“It’s okay now.” Her hand reached out to grab ahold of his, hanging limply at his side. She gave it a light squeeze, still absent of the majority of her strength, although it was slowly beginning to sink back in. “I’m excited to see what you and I become. Kakashi, you truly are the love of my life.“

"The feeling is mutual. I guess it always has been, huh?”

She nodded, letting her soft lips curl into a weak smile just for him, just for this moment they shared together.

“I’m going to get a nurse and tell them what happened. They probably want to check on you.”

With a nod from her end, he walked out the room and into the hall, waving down one of the many nurses that he’d seen working at her bedside in the past few weeks. Fearing for the worst, she shot him a concerned look as the blood drained quickly from her face, “Lord Hokage, is there something I can help you with?” the young girl asked hesitantly, a bit of a shake in her words.

“Seems things are improving now.”

Her brows softened with sympathy. Their poor Kakashi, holding onto hope that his long time best friend wasn’t going to die. It was heartbreaking to see really. Painfully, she replied, “Improving? That’s impossible, she’s a Hanahaki patient, the only way to-”

“Yes, I know. And like I said, she’s improving now.”

“What do you mean-” It was as if the gears had shifted in her head. Her eyes widened and her cheeks reddened, “Oh my Lord, let me get the CNO.” She stumbled over her words as she started down the hall in the opposite direction. He watched as her lips giddily curled up into a smile. After a moment, he grinned to himself and leaned against the wall, shutting his eyes for just a moment.

Nurses came rushing down the hall almost as quickly as the girl left and rushed in the room, leaving him behind to sink into his thoughts. He had yet to really process the situation but it was finally sinking in now. How much this woman loved him, how much a single person could care about him when he thought he was alone on this earth. He felt a flutter in his stomach.

Maybe life wasn’t so bad after all.

A/N: that’s it, guys! Tell me what you think and if you want more Kakashi content in the future! Have a wonderful day!

Falling (Kakashi x Reader)

Summary: Reader has been friends with Kakashi for as long as she can remember, but recently, she has been developing more intense feelings for him. Hanahaki au, reader inflicted.

A/N: sorry ive been gone for so long. Life has been kicking my ass, but im trying to get back on my feet. I will try to post more often, but i cant make any promises. I can only write when im listening to extremely sad music, so if you have any gut wrenching, cry-your-eyes-out recommendations, leave a comment please!

Word count: 4500

_______

It was widely accepted as time went on that Y/N and her entire team died. They left six months ago and hadn’t sent word back since week two. The mission wasn’t supposed to last any longer than three weeks, and constant relaying of information was supposed to take place. Only, communications had been cut off without warning, summons weren’t coming back home to report on the situation at hand, and not a single member had been seen since they left.

It was as if they’d fallen off the face of the Earth. The Hokage was beginning to plan a memorial service to honor them and their sacrifice to the village, after concluding that the shinobi were most likely dead. They couldn’t afford to throw even more money into the search when time kept passing and nothing was coming of it. Any remnants of hope Tsunade had was gone.

The rescue missions they did conduct had more than disappointing results. Trails of blood outside the city where the missing persons were assigned espionage. Abandoned bags with all their resources left behind. Scuffled footprints left in the deep set mud. Seeing all the evidence made it nearly impossible to remain positive.

Four shinobi left for that mission. One of them, the leader, just so happened to be Y/N L/N. Talented jounin and even more so, a beloved friend.

It was difficult for those close to her to accept her demise. It took all of those six months for people to come to terms with the horrific conclusion. Kakashi, despite normally tackling death smoothly due to their line of work, couldn’t accept that she was dead. Not without a body. Not without some kind of proof. She was strong. Stronger than the majority of people he knew. There was no way she just succumbed to the enemy like that.

Really though, he just couldn’t admit that another person he had grown comfortable with was dead. Just like all the others that had come before her, bloodied and murdered. It depressed him, and as much as he tried to contain his emotions, those that interacted with him noticed. As much as Gai could try to cheer him up with pointless challenges, no matter how many times Yamato took him out to get absolutely hammered at the bar, or how many missions Tsunade sent him on to subvert his attention. The pain persisted.

He had other things to worry about as well. With the upcoming war, Jiraiya’s death, and the Akatsuki fucking everything up, he should have been on top of his game. Instead, he stayed up long nights willing her to come back alive. He replayed the moment Tsunade suggested they hold a memorial. Shizune sobbing upon the loss of her childhood friend. Gai hanging his head, palms pressed to his eyes. As he lay in his bed, he could feel the way his heart ached at each mention of her name, each time her face flashed through his mind.

Kakashi was heartbroken. He fought for the dates to be pushed back. Each week that passed, he begged that they have more time, that she would be back. It was pathetically sad, he knew this. He could feel the pity from Tsunade run off in waves. He wasn’t ready to mourn her death. All the man wanted was more time.

And then one day a few little academy students found a squad of nearly unrecognizable injured and bloodied people in the forest, trekking the best they could toward the village. They didn’t know who the strangers were, why would they? They were just school kids, barely 10 years old. A bunch of old jounin having gone missing months ago wasn’t something they concerned themselves with.

Kakashi heard whispers about it from shinobi rushing to the Hokage’s office, but no one was saying anything concrete. No one could confirm it was them.Not yet.

A crew of Anbu was sent out to retrieve the stragglers, everyone hoping deep in their hearts that they’d be met with familiar faces.

He waited for her for nearly an hour, rain pouring down heavily and soaking into his clothes and hair, sending shivers down his spine. Perhaps he would end up with a cold the next day, he didn’t care. When he thought about her, as he stood out there in the inclement weather, his lips curled up. If she were here, she’d have scolded him for being so ridiculous.

She’d usher him into the nearest shop and rub up and down his arms, trying to warm them with the little heat she had coming from her palms. The woman would hush him as he tried to defend himself, telling him not to worry so much and that she could handle herself. That’s always how she was, so worried about him yet uncaring about herself. Some would call her selfless, he would just call her stupid.

But he still cared for her. More than he realized.

That’s why he waited.

When they entered the village, being carried by multiple other shinobi from the village, blood seeping into their clothes and dripping into the sand below their feet, Kakashi felt his heart stop. He saw her teammates limping along with their arms over another’s shoulders. That, or they were being carried, incapacitated in the arms of a fellow soldier.

She was at the end of the line behind all the others who pulled themselves through the gates of their hometown. She was beaten to a pulp, blood drenched and purple from bruises. Her head was wrapped in makeshift bandages and her legs wobbled beneath her. He could see her arm broken, hanging limply at her side. A member of the Anbu carried her against his side as she struggled to even take each step.

Her eyes lifted from the ground to those who stood waiting for their arrival. Immediately, hers caught hold of the man who’d been waiting all this time.

“Kakashi?” she called out, weakly but still her voice found him through the chorus of moans and groans from her teammates and the downpour of the rain around them. Thunder crackled in the background as his feet hit the ground and he rushed across the street to her.

“L/N, you son of a bitch,” he said, grabbing her by the waist without a second thought and tugging her body tightly to his chest, away from the hands of the Anbu soldier. She gasped, feeling his heart beating against her chest at the touch, fast and intense like a drum. Frostbitten fingers held her up by her waist while the other hand wound its way into her slick wet hair.

“Your hands. They-they’re so cold. Kakashi, you shouldn’t be out here like this!” she cried with the energy she had left in her chest. At the mere touch of his hands on her bare skin, she felt excitement fuel her mind. Thoughts rushed as her skin grew warm under his horrified gaze. These feelings, the warm and bubbly ones growing in her chest, were new, but she welcomed them without question after everything she had been through.

There was something else about him waiting out there, his frantic eyes, clothes soaking down to his bone with that icy cold water, that disturbed something deep inside her chest, burrowed down against her heart and rapidly inflating lungs. She brushed off the feeling, putting it down as simple relief from serious homesickness. There was no way to anticipate what had become of her feelings at that point, how they would ravage her body in a few years time, what had started to grow.

“Me? What about you? Everyone thought you died.”

She peered up into his eyes, water dripping down from his shaggy bangs on display without his headband. Those irises were dark as always, but at the sight of her alive, they shined. “We were kidnapped. Tortured…Kakashi,” she confessed, “Even I thought we were going to die.”

“I could have protected you.” His hands found their way to cradling her cheeks, running his fingers along the raw and red skin that had been weathered all these months. Her face was littered with little cuts, both open and some that were in the process of healing into scars. “I should have come to find you-”

“It’s not your fault. You had other missions to take care of. No one could have predicted this.” The woman sighed audibly and let her head fall to rest in his hand. Why did this touch feel so good? It was like heaven on Earth, she thought as he ran his thumbs along her cheekbones. So comforting she wanted to curl up and fall asleep.

“We knew it was dangerous. Too dangerous, even for a four man squad.”

As she was about to protest, arguing that if she had been a better squad leader when approaching the enemy they could have avoided all this trouble, a voice called out from the gates. Sakura, of all people, standing there with a makeshift umbrella over her head made of a manilla folder.

“Kakashi-sensei, Y/N needs to get to the hospital now! No time to stand around!” she called through the heavy downpour, and he nodded. It probably wasn’t good for Y/N to be limping around on her broken up body any longer than she had to, and standing in this weather certainly wouldn’t help any. “I’ll meet you there. We already got a bed set up.”

Y/N clutched onto Kakashi’s arm and made a move to take a tentative, painful step forward, only to be stopped. “Let’s go,” she urged, peering up at him.

“Let me carry you.”

“Uh, what?”

“It’s a long way across town, you know. Aren’t you in pain?”

She nodded, but still, she felt herself dying a little bit on the inside at the thought of walking past all the people in town being cradled in his arms. People might get the wrong idea. “Yeah, I guess. It’s just embarrassing,” she mumbled. But really, her legs were killing her, and she would rather just relax until she got to the hospital than be in more excruciating pain. “Fine…You can, but don’t make it weird.”

“No one’s making it weird. I’m just being friendly.”

Friendly, my ass. More like flirty, she thought to herself. Whatever. Kakashi was still a pervert after all..

He lifted her slowly into his arms as she groaned at the pressure shifting. She let her head fall heavy against his chest and shut her eyes, taking deep breaths to work through the pain running through her body. She was safe now. All the anxiety and fear she’d held for so many months could flow away now that she was in the arms of a friend and in the care of a village which loved her.

As he walked across town, she felt nearly lulled to sleep by his pace and the gentle footsteps he took across dirt roads. Most people were inside at this time, but she did hear a couple shouts from people standing under their carts and in their storefronts, asking if everything was okay.

“Y/N’s back home,” he would reply shortly and they would cry back with relief in their voice. She felt pride in her chest knowing that the people of the town knew and respected her, that they were hoping for her safe return. Even if she wasn’t the best shinobi, she still was worth something to this village.

They got to the hospital in a pretty timely manner, considering he was extra careful not to jostle her around too much. He went to drop her off in her bed as the ward nurses rushed around with all kinds of equipment.

He was content, running his hand once more over her hair and down her cheek. No one could really tell how he felt from his masked lips, a smile only present in the way his eyes sparkled down at her lying in the thin white sheets. It flustered her, seeing how happy he was solely because of her. Surely, she wasn’t that special. “Kakashi?” she asked, interrupting the thick silence.

“I have to go, but I’ll take you out for drinks after you’re all fixed up, alright?” he told her, giving her shoulder one final squeeze as he backed away from the bed.

“I’ll hold you to that offer, you know,” Y/N called behind him as he walked toward the door. She didn’t want him to go. She wanted to keep talking, just enough conversation to keep him by her side for a little longer. Unfortunately, the hustle and bustle of the hospital room made that impossible, not to mention she would be stripped and examined, and she’d prefer if he wasn’t around for that part.

“I know.”

She leaned back in the bed as the door swung shut behind him. Once the door was shut, scissors began their work to cut away at the fishnets on her arms and her legs.

“You’re so lucky, Miss Y/N,” one of the nurses, who was beginning to examine some of the wounds on her face muttered giddily. Y/N raised a brow, shocked that someone could say that to her after she had literally been missing for months and held hostage, but still, she let the younger nurse continue. “We all wish we had a hot guy friend like Kakashi.”

“What?!” Y/N choked.

“She’s right. Kakashi is the sexiest man in town and he’s all over you! He acts all tough with everyone else but is a total sweetheart for you!” Another one of the nurses laughed. Y/N felt her face beginning to get hot, and she shook her head. “You should save some for the rest of us, haha.”

“Kakashi is not sexy…He’s a bumbling idiot, is what he is. An absolute scoundrel. A-A pervert.”

The nurse pressed a gauze to a particularly deep gash on the side of her temple, right on the hairline and shook her head. “Maybe he is those things, but damn, have you seen his arms? So strong. You could really see his muscles with his clothes soaked by the rain.” The nurse shook as if a shiver ran down her spine at the thought of the man.

Y/N really hadn’t ever looked at her friend like that. They were simply that…Friends. He was never sexy, or hot, or handsome. He was a stupid loser who cried over porn novel plots when he got a little too drunk. He was a smelly guy who slept with his ninkin because he was single, and only had like two friends.

“I’ve never seen him that way before,” she confessed quietly. Her mind was wandering to thoughts of his body, and she sighed, shaking her head. This was wrong. She couldn’t objectify him that way. He was just Kakashi, nothing special, nothing to gush about.

“I’m surprised. Always thought he liked you.”

“Me? God, no.”

“Well, why not? He cares about you enough,” one nurse commented offhandedly. “The village had given up on you four shinobi, but Kakashi, he never lost faith that you would come back. He was the sole reason your memorial was pushed back for so long.”

“Oh.” She didn’t expect that.

“How dreamy…All my lousy boyfriend does is complain about my cooking.”

The nurses continued to talk, but the conversation had now drifted off to griping about their own boyfriends and husbands which Y/N couldn’t care less about. Her mind wandered to the man who’d been so kind as to wait for her in the rain and carry her all the way here. He wasn’t ugly, she could see that much. Did that mean he was handsome? Well, she’d never thought about it before, but now that she did, they were right.

He was better looking than the majority of the men she’d encountered in her life. He was manly and intense, even with the mask on to conceal half his features. Still, recognizing that her friend was attractive did not mean that she had any sort of attraction toward him as a person.

There was no way she could develop feelings for such a fool. That quiver in her heart when she saw him waiting for her at the gates? That was just a fluke. And the nauseous feeling she got when his hands touched her skin? Nothing but human nature. Her desperately wanting him to stay with her in this hospital room, after being away from him for far too long? She was just home sick, and he was a small portion of the place she called home. These ladies were delusional if they thought she felt anything more than friendship for him.

Kakashi? As a boyfriend?

Gross. Of course not. Completely out of the question.

_______

Over the course of the war, and the years following, Y/N had grown a little too familiar with Kakashi Hatake, more so than ever before. It was as if those nurses years ago foretold her future.

She loved him. She knew that now.

He was a friend, one of the greatest to ever exist, despite his denial of it all. They fought alongside each other in multiple wars, conquering enemies while protecting the other. It was a partnership she was more than happy to have, ecstatic someone was there to have her back when things were looking grim. He, Shizune, and even Gai and Genma had been there for so long she couldn’t remember a life without them.

Kakashi was different though. As she watched him rise from a jounin into the Hokage they knew, she felt her heart begin to flutter when he called for her, or when he took the time out of his day to come by her house. He was all too important, and she was merely an ant under his feet. She longed for his touches and his ever-so tired words to fall from his lips. He was so unobtainable, and perhaps that made her want him even more.

After she arrived home from her disaster of a mission, things truly began to fall apart. She couldn’t keep her composure anymore. She was only anxious in the beginning. How could she not be? She harbored a love for her best friend and Hokage, someone so far out of her league she couldn’t even fathom admitting her feelings to him now. She wasn’t a child anymore; they were adults with responsibilities. They didn’t have time to fool around with these antics.

He didn’t have time to settle down with her, or whatever a love between them would blossom into. They barely had time to go out and get drinks every couple of weeks for a few hours. How could they date? It was completely hopeless. Not that any of those problems mattered considering the fact that he didn’t harbor the same feelings she had for him. It was embarrassing really. Having a crush at the ripe age of 32? Unreciprocated? So stupid. Y/N wanted to bury her head in the sand for being so foolish.

She was so busy wallowing in her own shame and pity that she hadn’t even noticed the signs.

Almost as quickly as she felt the emotions brew up in her chest and her love grow firm, they started.

The coughing fits.

It only felt like a small cold at first. Coughing in the middle of the night and needing to drink some water to get back to bed. Maybe it was just allergies, she thought, after weeks had passed and the sickness remained. Maybe she had caught a virus from another nation and the antidote was something foreign. Surely that must be it, she thought after a month.

Desperately, the woman tried to ignore the nagging feeling deep in her chest, pooling in her stomach. This sickness felt sinister, forcefully aggressive in the most intimate sort of way. She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was grappling at her ribcage, digging it’s way to her lungs and her heart. Burrowing inside. She held her head high and ignored it.

She was a kunoichi. After years and years of fighting, her body had been through worse more times than she could count. Y/N could handle it. That’s what she assumed, anyway.

She was mid-training session, deep in the woods where she focused on developing new jutsu when it was finally revealed to her just what was wrong. Quiet wind blew past her face and whipped at her cheeks. With this cold, she knew it wasn’t wise to be out in winter, only putting further strain on her lungs which struggled to take in air. Still, she needed to train, to work; it was the only thing that kept her head afloat.

Kakashi was so busy. It seemed like recently she only ever saw Kurenai and Gai. Being Hokage was never a position he wanted, but he fulfilled the role well. She wished to spend more time with him. To see his face and to hear him chuckle from beneath his mask. Everyday, she felt herself growing more desperate for him. Yet, she kept herself from acting a fool.

She didn’t burden him with the knowledge of her growing illness. He didn’t need any more stress on his mind; he was busy worrying over an entire nation after all. It broke her heart being so distant, to not sit down and share her secrets and concerns with him like before.

She felt her stomach turn, sick at the thought of missing him, the man of her affections.

That single moment, with the turn of an upset stomach and the clench of her longing heart in her chest, is when it started.An awful heavy feeling sinking deep into her abdomen and clouding her mind of every coherent thought. She choked on the frigid air whipping by her face as it clashed with the fire lit ablaze.

The woman fell to the ground, knees digging into the soft dirt. Her lungs were like lead forcing her to the ground while a powerful burn ran through them up into her throat. Coughs wrecked her body which curled in on itself as the fit grew more intense. Fingers desperately clutched at the fabric above her heart and the necklace around her throat.

The pain was something unlike anything she knew. It burned deeper than she thought a simple cough or cold could. Tears grew in her eyes as she struggled to breath through the coughs full of rage and anger.

After a minute of hacking up what she assumed was her entire lung, something foreign left her mouth. The coughing subsided and she gasped for air, shutting her eyes and relishing in the relief. Only, that feeling was short lived as her eyes opened to peer down at what she’d choked up only a moment ago.

Some sort of flower petals littered the ground at her knees. She stared in disbelief. It was merely a legend among the old, rumors and tall tales passed along from generation to generation. It wasn’t something anyone ever took seriously. After all, it had been seemingly hundreds of years since a victim fell ill in the Leaf Village. There wasn’t a single person alive that had seen it first hand.

At first, she thought she might be hallucinating.

But as she reached down to thumb the petals, slick with her saliva, everything became eerily real. A heavy feeling fell on her chest and her breaths quickened, dread hanging over her head. This sickness she was having, it wasn’t caused by some reversible virus, one that could be fixed with an antidote. She was cursed. Ill beyond normal repair.

Hanahaki disease.

Caused by unrequited love.

She was so naive to think that letting herself develop these feelings for Kakashi would remain a harmless secret for as long as it lasted. Of course, it was just her luck that something like this would happen. Right after fighting a war, it seemed she would be fighting her own as well.

For now, she would keep it to herself, see how it progressed. From what she remembered of her grandmother talking about the disease, there were only two ways to cure it. Professing your love to the object of your affection and them reciprocating or a more tortuous route: surgery to remove the growing flora in your chest, but at the cost of forgetting every feeling and memory associated with your person. If no decision is made, the branches will continue to grow until you die a painful death.

If her ancestor was right all those years ago, Y/N would have quite the choice to make.

She wasn’t sure she could forget about Kakashi. The memories she had with him brought her more joy than anyone could imagine. She couldn’t give that up. She loved him. He was a critical part of her and she wasn’t willing to break herself up into pieces just to be cured.

She would rather die than give up on him. She was fine with dying as just friends, knowing him and the things he’d done for her over the years. Anything but losing him forever.

Confessing would be hard, if not impossible. She would wait to make her choice, wait for it to get worse. If she got scared enough, surely she would crumble and confess her feelings to him. It all felt pointless though. He clearly did not have feelings for her. He was never the type to have lovey emotions. He would just reject her, her condition would become critical, and she would be forced to get the surgery anyway.

Maybe if he rejected her, it would be easier letting go of her precious memories

Fear crept under her skin and made room in her heart. What if he didn’t mind losing her forever? They wouldn’t have the time to mend their friendship back into one they had developed over so many years. He might just move on and forget about her, as much as she hated to think about. He seemed to care about her, even if they were only coworkers and coincidentally friends. Surely he would at least be a bit upset.

Honestly, there was no way to tell how Kakashi would react to the news of her losing all connection to him. He was elusive even in the most revealing of moments. Only a few times had he truly revealed his raw emotions to her. Sure, she liked to believe he would be upset, but if she was still alive and healthy, would he really complain? The morning’s breakfast rose in her throat as self-doubt clouded her vision.

Y/N swallowed down her struggles for now. She had to live in the present, and as of right now she was still friends with Kakashi, she was healthy enough to live her life, everything was going fine.

Nothing to worry about.

justanotherblonde:

blonde fics masterpost

welcome to an index of my writing!

the fics listed and linked below all feature naruto characters, mainly sasori and deidara. i love writing AUs, and super love writing smut, but that’s not all there is. you’re welcome to explore!

please let me know what you’ve liked by leaving comments or sending asks (i am currently happy to take reasonable requests, and when i have more free time, will also send out prompt request lists, like the 50 kisses one).

finally, remember to be mindful of the tags, and if you see something you don’t like, just don’t read it, my loves

Keep reading

Thanks (I still hate you)—TobiIzu enemies to lovers, Chapter 6

Chapters: 6/?
Fandom:Naruto
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Relationships: Senju Tobirama & Uchiha Izuna, Senju Tobirama/Uchiha Izuna
Characters: Uchiha Izuna, Senju Tobirama
Additional Tags: Warring States Period (Naruto), Enemies to Lovers, Enemy Lovers, Slow Burn, as in super slow, at the end of the first arc they MIGHT like hesitate for 0.1 seconds before stabbing each other, Minor Character Death, (they kill a million background characters y'all), Canon-Typical Violence, Serious Injuries, Blood and Violence, Snark, Uchiha Izuna Lives, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, this will have as many chapters as I have motivation for, (yes i am still writing all my other ongoing stuff don’t worry), Only One Bed, Temporary Truce, Temporary Blindness

Summary:
Izuna runs across a heavily injured Tobirama.
A Tobirama who wasn’t injured by him, which is frankly incredibly rude.
Izuna makes the spur-of-the-moment decision to save the man.
Just so he can kill Tobirama later, of course.

For @/uchihaweek2022 Day 2, prompts Enemies ↔ Lovers and One Bed. Ongoing story.

CHAPTER 6 IS HERE!

I’m four months late with this but here you go ❤️❤️❤️ Warning: Unhappy Ending, Angst, etc.

Thank you very much for the prompt, as evident I had lots of fun!

Izuna is lost. Her best guess is she’s somewhere in the western part of this ravenous forest, hopefully nearing the center. The trees are so large and their crowns so dense she can’t tell the position of the sun anymore, and in here she might not be able to truly trust even her eyes. She has gotten turned around at some point, she’s almost sure, and there’s a heavy feel to the air that speaks of spores and pollens and more potential hallucinogens.

Izuna is also exhaustedat a bone-deep level. They’ve been fighting this war for months now; the constant battles and changing plans and, at the end of the day, the despair have taken their toll. She isn’t as fast anymore, her Katon jutsu as powerful, her gaze as sharp.

It makes her almost want the days of seemingly endless war against the Senju back, simply because back then all of them could still breathe.

Now, it feels like Izuna’s heart went missing the same day Hashirama did, and her body is catching up to that ever so slowly.

No matter what Niisan might say, this is the best way to end this. The only way, probably.

She takes a deep breath. “I’m here, love,” Izuna yells out in the forest again as she sets more and more of it on fire.

And then, eventually, finally, she sees—her. 

It.

It’s her lover’s body, Senju Hashirama’s body, but it’s covered in a dripping and writhing white and black mass of something. The same something that looks out from poison-yellow eyes that Izuna knows are not at the correct position to be actually Hashirama’s eyes.

She doesn’t need the alarm seal resting against her shoulder activating to know that this is actually Hashirama now, not just one of the plant copies.

“You,” the thing says with Hashirama’s voice, and it sounds wrong wrong wrong, like someone mimicking something they don’t understand, “The sister… You’re the wrong one.”

Izuna laughs, and even when the forest around them begins to roil she doesn’t stop, her lungs straining with something almost like relief. “But you came,” she tells the monster who has stolen her lover’s body and their peace and so many of both their Clan’s lives, “you came.”



***



Izuna barely throws herself out of the way of another cluster of grasping roots and branches, and then she’s close enough to–

To–

Her blade is unerringly true, this one time.

The roots finally got Izuna, too, she realises when her next breath doesn’t come. There’s a Mokuton branch the width of her forearm going through her stomach, and blood bubbling up her throat.

But that doesn’t matter.

What matters is her sword buried right through Hashirama’s ribs, the blade even now burning up with heat, bright like a star. It’s a clever seal and jutsu combination she and Tobirama have devised—she knows it will work.

What matters is the white-and-black ugly mass covering Hashirama’s face receding slowly, reluctantly, until Izuna can see the Senju’s eyes again, dark and shining like polished wood.

What matters is the recognition and confusion stealing across her beloved’s face instead, the writhing branches around them dying down to complete stillness.

“It’s alright, my love. Everything will be fine,” Izuna tells her with a smile even as she feels tears gathering in her own eyes.

“But I–there was something… controlling me–” Hashirama gasps, and only then looks down to see Izuna’s sword through her chest, and her own Mokuton root impaling Izuna.

“I’m so sorry,” Izuna pants out, “this was the only way—we tried so hard, but the only way was to kill you along with it.” She’s sobbing now. “I tried, love, I tried…”

Hashirama’s hands come up to cradle her shoulders, settling down almost hesitantly. “I—oh gods, the things I did… Izuna.” Her voice sounds as helpless as Izuna has ever heard her, and a heartbeat later Hashirama surges forward to rest her forehead against Izuna’s. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”

Izuna doesn’t close her eyes because she wants her beloved’s face to be the last thing she’ll see, even twisted in pain and despair as it is. They’re so close their strained breaths mingle, and it’s enough. “Nii-san will burn the entire forest down with a blaze nothing can escape,” she says after a long moment, because Hashirama will want to know this is truly over, too. “There’s—Tobirama has a seal that will tell him when– …when I’ve succeeded.”

There are more seals, too—seals to tell Tobirama whether Izuna is dead or dying—but the Senju had sworn he will never tell Madara about those.

Madara knew Izuna wasn’t planning to come back from this mission, not really. Defeating this evil, this evil strong enough to possess the Goddess of Shinobi and bring both their Clans to almost ruin, is too important. 

And Niisan understands that, surely. Even if it hurts him. But Izuna is selfish, just this once—and privately she thinks that it might hurt her brother more if she came back from this only to waste away in the middle of peace.

“It’s over,” she says into the space between her and Hashirama, their lips almost touching. Izuna gives in to the impulse to close the distance for a final kiss, even if all she can taste is blood. “There’ll be peace now.”

Without us.