Life Update and Huge Thanks To You All

Hi my friends! I hope you’re still there. It’s been definitely over a year since I’ve posted regularly to tumblr. If you’re new here then welcome if you’ve been rocking with me for a while then thank you so much for sticking around.

For literal years I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety. I’ve been hospitalized twice for attempted suicide. I hate that I did that. I’ve struggled with loss so great that it felt unbearable. My grandmothers both died within a year of each other and my very good friend committed suicide. I lost my sense of self and all desire to live. I forgot what happy felt like and cursed the feeling. I still kinda hate the word “happy”. These days I prefer to use the term contentment. That’s what I’m after now. Contentment with wherever I am in life.

I used to chase and chase something that continued to elude me. Money, fame/clout - they used to be so important to me, and now I still have desire to achieve both but it isn’t the only thing that matters anymore.

God blessed me so much right after my last grandma died. He gave me hope and purpose by way of my son. I’m forever grateful for him. He is my reason to get up and keep going. It’s so cliche but it’s the god honest truth. Looking at his little cherub face I can’t help but smile. 3 years ago it pained me too much to try to force a smile. These days it pains me to try not to smile. I’m smiling in my heart now and it makes me cry tears of joy when I think about it.

I still want more for my life, my family, and my career. But now I don’t qualify my worth by how much money I make or how many people know my name. I’m just happy to be loved and seen by my angel sweetie.

Still working on finding the joy in dressing up that I used to have. When my friend killed herself, I felt like that part of me died too. I just didn’t want to draw attention to myself anymore. I was in a dark place and didn’t want to see any light or color. I just wanted to sleep. I’m so much better now and am playing in my clothes more and more like I used to. I still feel guilt about making purchases but I allow myself a treat every now and then.

Thank you so much for being here and for being you and for listening when I needed it. I appreciate you all so much more than you’ll ever know even without meeting. You continue to bless me by just being.