I have always, always, always been a people-pleaser.
There were whole seasons where I would lose sleep and go stomach-sick thinking I might have remotely upset someone.
I was an expert on doing pirouette with shaky ankles over thin ice and dynamite, frantic apology dances, walking sideways until somebody could see I was really sorry, I didn’t mean to, what can I do to make it up to you, I will literally bleed tears for you, please for God’s sake just like me don’t leave me please like me.
It’s still a problem. I can feel my soul stretch to somebody when they’re upset with me. Desperate to correct it.
I have found too that our systems do not take kindly to those who who stand tall, take a knee, protest and petition, rock the boat and make waves—they will roll their eyes the second you call out *white supremacy* and xenophobia and oppression.
It is not so easy to “choose” to be ourselves everywhere we go, because a trip wire waits for those who run against assimilation and towards systemic change. In systems that reward conformers and punish the outspoken: how can we choose to be anything else?
What I’ve had to keep learning was I’d rather someone hear my “no” than to get a fraudulent yes-version of me.
I’d rather someone know me fully—husband, father, brother in Christ, Korean American, chaplain, fiercely for the wounded—then to get the pieces of me that were comfortable for them.
I’d rather scream against a system than be assimilated by it, so that others inside will know they are not alone, that their stories matter, that we seek the same horizon.
I’d rather someone love me for my boundaries than like me for violating all of them; otherwise what does that say for both of us?
People will still leave long after you pleased them. Long after you painfully sculpted yourself with their chisel. So you must sculpt with your own. So I must.
To speak, by grace, through all that God has made us, even when it does not make change in this lifetime, is still to give our story for one person, for the people who need it. Others need you: all of you. Not the one who pleases. But the one who speaks truly. Speak. Truly.
“Understanding the difference between “niceness” & kindness”♡
How do I fix my “performative “niceness”
Think about “performative niceness” as a bit of a self soothing habit. It always used to feel validated in the fact that we are nice people. Decent people. Almost like feeding your ego but I believe that performative niceness is in most instances stems from people pleasing.
“What is people pleaser?”
A people pleaser is something that’s defined by Merriam-Webster as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own desires”
This habit can stem from parenting or anything that in a sense lowers someone self-esteem. A lack of self confidence will send someone to look outside of themselves for validation.
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“Performative niceness” may also push you to limit your response to things you don’t like or don’t find generally agreeable.Remember to ask yourself if not speaking up or using your clear communication skills and establishing clear boundaries is honoring yourself and respecting yourself or further digging yourself into a hole.
Determine if exuding “niceness” rather than “kindness” is really what you should be doing. Niceness is a sense empty. It doesn’t stem out of anything truly genuine. Someone who is genuinely a horrible person or lacks morals can easily be “nice” to someone they come across in the grocery store but moving out of their way, or letting them cut them in line.
For example, because I know this is something you can all relate to or understand. Is that “nice” guy you know really a genuinely nice guy or he just portrays to others that he is nice to achieve something or not be held accountable for his lack of respect and human decency towards the women in his life or that he chases after? Exactly.
If you’re subconsciously asking yourself or wondering if others think your “kindness” is enough, it’s probably not true kindness. Kindness stems from sitting with yourself and honestly and truly deciding to do what’s best for others because you truly care.
I do not have to be “nice” if I don’t want to. But I am kind because I have others best interest in mind and dedicate my life and my time to helping people overcome the things that they are struggling with. Not because I need that validation but because I simply want to and want the world to be a better place.
Hope this was a helpful piece. Follow my aesthetic page @cooki3face on Instagram for coquette black girl aesthetics and more. <3
Love you so much, good morning, good evening, or good night. Hope you’re doing well.
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance”
— Brené Brown. “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are”.
