Imagine having a girlfriend that loves you. She is a financially independent woman, and she has her own place; she also manages and owns several properties around the city. Your lady love is also a creative mind who has been writing and developing a book SERIES and has an editor that she’s working with because she’s so bad ass.
SO, then she decides she loves you soooo much she moves in with you, and automatically offers half of all rent and bills without a single qualm; she just doubled your money. Great. She also without hesitation or resentment, takes on more household chores and cooking (an unpaid job, see the word homemaker in the dictionary) since she’s home more, yet still has multiple properties to manager and being a full time writer…
Now imagine telling her she doesn’t do enough work and fighting with her as if you have the right, and then imagine her having such a good head on her shoulders, that she decides to hold off and then explain how she feels and gives you another chance to talk after that. You then take that opportunity to tell her your jealous of all the legitimate work she does from home and her lowering your bills by half, and tell her to get a part time menial job to make yourself feel better!!!
Imagine being such A DUMB FUCK
God, Reddit is a trip. I take stuff with a grain of salt, but I think this one is true because, yeahh.. it just seems hella relatable and I’ve supported people in the past that treated me like shit.
Instead of bidding his time at work and working on a promotion or gathering references to make looking for another job easier he took his frustrations out on his gf, who paid half the bills. He didn’t know how good he had it, in terms of girlfriends and having a job when so many were laid off.
God you have no idea how glad I am to read that she dumped this fucking idiot man
My ex took his job frustrations out on me just like this. He (36M) was a career teacher with 2 kids from a previous relationship, and I was 21. I was 21 and taking 20 credit hours to finish my degree and working 29 hours per week (if I went over 29, the university would have to pay out benefits for us, so we were caped there). I tended house for him and his kids. Cooked, cleaned, paid “rent” to him, bought groceries for a family of four.
The only fights we ever had was over how much I worked. He couldn’t stand that I didn’t work 40 hours a week like him. He hated that I enjoyed my time at work and had friends there. He griped that he never saw me working on stuff for school, that if I had time to do homework on campus, I should be looking for another part time gig. I didn’t give him enough money each month for expenses, which included taking care of his child support, debts, and bills. I payed my bills, his bills, and our bills. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time; I never saw what our expenses were, just trusted what he said.
The summer between graduation and the start of my master’s program, I worked 40-50 hours a week while he and the kids were on summer vacation. That summer, we separated because I wasn’t doing as much housework as he thought I should. All while he and the kids played video games and watched tv all day.
In short: dump him if he hounds you to work “as much” as him. He really means match him 150%
In all of my workspaces I have been gendered as a woman, and all of these things have happened to me. . I find the more ‘technical’ or corporate the teams are, the more likely that the responsibility of ‘non essential labour’ in the office falls on women and femmefolk (my current office is actually very good in this respect, which is really refreshing).
What is this comic about? Well, generally things like keeping the office tidy day to day, setting up for and cleaning up after meetings, organizing gifts and social events, fundraising, congratulations and condolences 'from the office’, and administrative work like minutes-taking… pretty much everything that is 'volunteer’ is likely to fall to women.
Sometimes when people argue that this work is non-essential, and that women only do it because they want to do it (and that, by extension, these just aren’t things that men care about). The thing is, community building is essential work. People who talk about having great work environments talk about things like hanging out with colleagues after work, having summer sport leagues, lottery groups, that time everyone pitched in vacation time during a family illness, that gift card that appeared on your desk on your birthday…that’s all stuff someone thinks about and plans and organizes, and it’s non-billable work, so they often do it for free, and that person is more often than not a woman. And that’s important, vital work, it makes people feel like they can come to work every day and at least not hate it all the time.
It’s completely devalued labour, and it falls in the laps of women to maintain. Sometimes guys think they’re participating by having the idea of the work: “Jim’s mother passed away - maybe we should get a card to pass around for him” - but the idea is as far as that participation goes. The organizing and execution of that 'nice idea’ falls on someone else entirely.
Stuff like this totally undercuts women at work. For example, any time it’s assumed that I’ll take meeting minutes, my ability to participate fully in that meeting is compromised because I’m taking notes instead of concentrating on my own contributions.
And not doing this work has consequences too. There was a workspace where I was totally watching this happen, so I resolved to act like the men on my team did. I left rooms when they left them (in the condition they left them in), I used the kitchen in the same way, I left my desk in the same condition, but guess who got called out on failing to contribute to the office environment? It wasn’t the guys.
If you’re a guytype and you want to be a good ally in your worplace, be the person who volunteers. I mean it. Look around, see who’s doing the work that isn’t in their job descriptions, and pitch in. Take notes, buy cards, organize drinks, and for goodness sake, tidy the kitchen. And it’s ok if this social stuff really isn’t important to you, but don’t you dare be the person who says that it’s not important work, and then feels slighted when no one remembers their birthday.
If you’re already doing this, awesome. Keep up the good work.
“Understanding the difference between “niceness” & kindness”♡
How do I fix my “performative “niceness”
Think about “performative niceness” as a bit of a self soothing habit. It always used to feel validated in the fact that we are nice people. Decent people. Almost like feeding your ego but I believe that performative niceness is in most instances stems from people pleasing.
“What is people pleaser?”
A people pleaser is something that’s defined by Merriam-Webster as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own desires”
This habit can stem from parenting or anything that in a sense lowers someone self-esteem. A lack of self confidence will send someone to look outside of themselves for validation.
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“Performative niceness” may also push you to limit your response to things you don’t like or don’t find generally agreeable.Remember to ask yourself if not speaking up or using your clear communication skills and establishing clear boundaries is honoring yourself and respecting yourself or further digging yourself into a hole.
Determine if exuding “niceness” rather than “kindness” is really what you should be doing. Niceness is a sense empty. It doesn’t stem out of anything truly genuine. Someone who is genuinely a horrible person or lacks morals can easily be “nice” to someone they come across in the grocery store but moving out of their way, or letting them cut them in line.
For example, because I know this is something you can all relate to or understand. Is that “nice” guy you know really a genuinely nice guy or he just portrays to others that he is nice to achieve something or not be held accountable for his lack of respect and human decency towards the women in his life or that he chases after? Exactly.
If you’re subconsciously asking yourself or wondering if others think your “kindness” is enough, it’s probably not true kindness. Kindness stems from sitting with yourself and honestly and truly deciding to do what’s best for others because you truly care.
I do not have to be “nice” if I don’t want to. But I am kind because I have others best interest in mind and dedicate my life and my time to helping people overcome the things that they are struggling with. Not because I need that validation but because I simply want to and want the world to be a better place.
Hope this was a helpful piece. Follow my aesthetic page @cooki3face on Instagram for coquette black girl aesthetics and more. <3
Love you so much, good morning, good evening, or good night. Hope you’re doing well.
PANEL 1 A man and a woman stand on a fancy pedestrian bridge over a stream, holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes. Both are smiling.
MAN: I’m so glad I found you. You’re the woman I’ve been waiting for! You’re always supportive, always cheerful.
PANEL 2 A closer shot of the two of them, walking while holding hands. They’re still looking fondly at each other.
MAN: You never think about your appearance or diet, yet you look like a model. You’ve got a career, but it never interferes with time for me.
PANEL 3 A long shot shows them walking side by side down a path in a park. He’s looking ahead, smiling as he talks; she’s turned to face him a bit, smiling, with an “explaining hand” gesture.
MAN: You insist on doing the cooking and my laundry. You’re eager to hear about all my hobbies..
WOMAN: But don’t forget, honey - I’m also imaginary.
PANEL 4 The same setting and shot as in the previous panel. The man has come to a stop and is looking down a bit, expression sad, one hand reaching out a bit as if to grab onto something that’s not there. He is completely alone.
MAN (in a thought balloon): I always forget that part.
