Sometimes self destruction feels like self care. Be mindful of whether your coping methods are actually helping you.
Ask yourself…
Does this coping method leave me with more problems than it solves? Does this coping method put my health and/or safety and/or that of other people at risk? Does this coping method drain away all my money? Or cause me to spend money I don’t have (or need to allocate towards other things like rent or groceries), or borrow from other people? Does this coping method only distract me, leaving me with all my problems and feelings after the rush wears off? Does this coping method damage or destroy any of my relationships? Does this coping method keep people in my life that aren’t good for me? Does this coping method have a negative effect on my physical and/or mental health? Does this coping method jeopardize my ability to hold a job, or to get one? Has it already gotten me reprimanded, demoted, fired, etc.? Does this coping method put me at risk of getting in trouble with the law? Has it already gotten me in trouble with the law? Does this coping method harm myself, or others, or both? Does this coping method make me act out my worst self? Does this coping method make me feel guilty or ashamed? Does this coping method diminish my performance at work or school? Does this coping method keep me from my responsibilities towards myself and/or others? Does this coping method come at the expense of eating, drinking water, bathing, sleeping, or other basic needs? Does this coping method require me to neglect or betray myself and/or others? Does this coping method cause me to neglect my family, my partner, my friends, my pets, etc.? Does this coping method make me feel angry, sad, scared, etc. when I’m forced to do without it? Does this coping method require people in my life to make extraordinary sacrifices for me? Does this coping method cause people to worry about me? Does this coping method jeopardize my ability to stay in my home? Has it already gotten me kicked out, evicted, or foreclosed? Does this coping method make me feel even worse once the rush wears off? Does this coping method cause me to snap at or get into fights with other people? Does this coping method make my life worse instead of better? Does this coping method keep me from actually solving my problems and working on myself? Does this coping method feel like I’m doing something wrong? Do I feel the need to hide it or lie about it?
“Understanding the difference between “niceness” & kindness”♡
How do I fix my “performative “niceness”
Think about “performative niceness” as a bit of a self soothing habit. It always used to feel validated in the fact that we are nice people. Decent people. Almost like feeding your ego but I believe that performative niceness is in most instances stems from people pleasing.
“What is people pleaser?”
A people pleaser is something that’s defined by Merriam-Webster as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own desires”
This habit can stem from parenting or anything that in a sense lowers someone self-esteem. A lack of self confidence will send someone to look outside of themselves for validation.
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“Performative niceness” may also push you to limit your response to things you don’t like or don’t find generally agreeable.Remember to ask yourself if not speaking up or using your clear communication skills and establishing clear boundaries is honoring yourself and respecting yourself or further digging yourself into a hole.
Determine if exuding “niceness” rather than “kindness” is really what you should be doing. Niceness is a sense empty. It doesn’t stem out of anything truly genuine. Someone who is genuinely a horrible person or lacks morals can easily be “nice” to someone they come across in the grocery store but moving out of their way, or letting them cut them in line.
For example, because I know this is something you can all relate to or understand. Is that “nice” guy you know really a genuinely nice guy or he just portrays to others that he is nice to achieve something or not be held accountable for his lack of respect and human decency towards the women in his life or that he chases after? Exactly.
If you’re subconsciously asking yourself or wondering if others think your “kindness” is enough, it’s probably not true kindness. Kindness stems from sitting with yourself and honestly and truly deciding to do what’s best for others because you truly care.
I do not have to be “nice” if I don’t want to. But I am kind because I have others best interest in mind and dedicate my life and my time to helping people overcome the things that they are struggling with. Not because I need that validation but because I simply want to and want the world to be a better place.
Hope this was a helpful piece. Follow my aesthetic page @cooki3face on Instagram for coquette black girl aesthetics and more. <3
Love you so much, good morning, good evening, or good night. Hope you’re doing well.
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance”
— Brené Brown. “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are”.
note to self: self destructive behavior doesn’t always involve alcohol, drugs, or illegal substances. u can self harm with sex. u can self harm by depending on others for validation. u can self harm by having self deprecating thoughts. u can self harm by believing the lies that people tell u about urself. ur not ugly or stupid or worthless. u can do anything u want. u are enough. u are adequate. U feel bad right now but these feelings are only temporary. let them persist. don’t fight them. u can feel bad. just don’t stay there.
I have always, always, always been a people-pleaser.
There were whole seasons where I would lose sleep and go stomach-sick thinking I might have remotely upset someone.
I was an expert on doing pirouette with shaky ankles over thin ice and dynamite, frantic apology dances, walking sideways until somebody could see I was really sorry, I didn’t mean to, what can I do to make it up to you, I will literally bleed tears for you, please for God’s sake just like me don’t leave me please like me.
It’s still a problem. I can feel my soul stretch to somebody when they’re upset with me. Desperate to correct it.
I have found too that our systems do not take kindly to those who who stand tall, take a knee, protest and petition, rock the boat and make waves—they will roll their eyes the second you call out *white supremacy* and xenophobia and oppression.
It is not so easy to “choose” to be ourselves everywhere we go, because a trip wire waits for those who run against assimilation and towards systemic change. In systems that reward conformers and punish the outspoken: how can we choose to be anything else?
What I’ve had to keep learning was I’d rather someone hear my “no” than to get a fraudulent yes-version of me.
I’d rather someone know me fully—husband, father, brother in Christ, Korean American, chaplain, fiercely for the wounded—then to get the pieces of me that were comfortable for them.
I’d rather scream against a system than be assimilated by it, so that others inside will know they are not alone, that their stories matter, that we seek the same horizon.
I’d rather someone love me for my boundaries than like me for violating all of them; otherwise what does that say for both of us?
People will still leave long after you pleased them. Long after you painfully sculpted yourself with their chisel. So you must sculpt with your own. So I must.
To speak, by grace, through all that God has made us, even when it does not make change in this lifetime, is still to give our story for one person, for the people who need it. Others need you: all of you. Not the one who pleases. But the one who speaks truly. Speak. Truly.
Looming over by razored strings Are silhouettes, the thoughts and things That ensnare, dig, and cut you deep Crippling you until you seep In the searing cascades that weave With every painful wretch and heave Earth beneath you swells and rumbles Giving way to mush from crumbles
Stuttering in my fractured mind As vision hones and airways bind Echoes of your floundering breath Anguished pleads from imminent death My body, heedless, plunges through A carnivorous muddy brew Heavy splintering tendrils tug While I tumble and tow and lug
But an eternity has passed When my hand reaches yours at last My muscles fight the rubble-strewn Limbs give and pull and haul through noon But no matter how much they yank By evening still you’ve almost sank And now we both are far from shore Alone and deeper than before
If only I had stopped to think To cast a line beyond the brink For despite how desperate my hand I’m not anchored on solid land My martyrdom won’t keep us both From merging with the undergrowth But mind long gone, what can I do? I’m too focused on saving you
You were an illness I needed to recover from. You weakened me and every one of my relationships from my family to my friends. I’m better now, healthier now, but I always worry about a relapse into you.
I never share an opinion on tumblr bcz frankly, no one cares abt my opinion. However, l feel a need to reblog w a brief comment: No woman, man, child or animal deserves to ever experience the type of abuse depicted on this video. Abuse of any kind is never appropriate or acceptable. This is not a mutually healthy relationship. Reach out. There is help. For those of us on the outside looking in, never ignore the warning signs and be the person who makes a difference. It may save a life.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800.799.7233 or text START to 88788
Love Sam Hunt and this song…and the video is an important reminder ⚖️
Now I’m back to being carefree and fun!
La otra cara de la vida.
“Y hallarás detrás de la voz que te injuria busca herir … el silencio que sufre.”
De que otra forma, ¿creerías que detrás de la fiera imagen mora una ovejilla amedrentada? ¿Acaso que ocultos debajo de la violencia se hallan la inseguridad y el temor?
“…They say that what you look for finds you”. But I don’t understand why if you show your eagerness and interest in someone, as the surprise and pleasure pass, then you only receive indifference? As if you had never existed, which is why I think so It’s how one changes and becomes the same as the others.
“I define trauma-induced codependency as a syndrome of self-abandonment and self- abnegation. Codependency is a fear-based inability to express rights, needs and boundaries in relationship. It is a disorder of assertiveness, characterized by a dormant fight response and a susceptibility to being exploited, abused and/or neglected.
In conversations, codependents seek safety and acceptance in relationship through listening and eliciting. They invite the other to talk rather than risk exposing their thoughts, views, and feelings. They ask questions to keep the attention off themselves, because their parents taught them that talking was dangerous and that their words were indictments that would inevitably prove them guilty of being unworthy.
The implicit code of the fawn type is that it is safer [1] to listen than to talk, [2] to agree than to dissent, [3] to offer care than to ask for help, [4] to elicit the other than to express yourself and [5] to leave choices to the other rather than to express preferences. Sadly, the closest that the unrecovered fawn type comes to getting his needs met is vicariously through helping others. “
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker
“The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs.” - Melody Beattie in Codependent No More, p. 113
“We react because we’re anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, what is happening…because we have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit…because we think things shouldn’t be happening the way they are…because we don’t feel good about ourselves…because most people react…because we think we have to react. We don’t have to.
“We don’t have to be so afraid of people…we don’t have to forfeit our peace…we don’t have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything…we don’t have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people)…we don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth…we don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth…we don’t have to take things so personally…we don’t have to take little things personally either…we don’t have to react. We have options.” - Melody Beattie in Codependent No More, pp. 67-9
“Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won’t ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?” - Melody Beattie in Codependent No More, p. 69
“Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay.” - Melody Beattie in Codependent No More, p. 68
“If it is particularly important that something gets done or said, don’t worry: it’ll happen. Lighten up. Give yourself and others room to move, to talk, to be who they are—to be human. Give life a chance to happen. Give yourself an opportunity to enjoy it.” - Melody Beattie in Codependent No More, p. 68
