Would somebody give me permission to go to the bathroom in the big-girl potty, please?  This is one of those days I feel like I shouldn’t make that decision for myself.

Please?

1. In a small plastic cup with a childish design.  Result: “Aww, baby, did you miss again?”
2. In a measuring cup.  Result: “Now, little one, I’m not sure you held it quite as long as you could have done.”
   
3. In an ice-cube tray.  Result: “Talking back to Mommy just earned you two pee-pee cubes in your bedtime diaper.  Do you want to make it three?”
4. In her own cupped hands. “Sweetheart, couldn’t you catch it all?  Such a clumsy baby.”
5. In a funnel aimed at the regular potty.  “You keep missing the potty, little one, but this will help.”
6. On a washcloth which is then used to scrub her breasts in the bath.  “You know you like when it makes a nice lather, baby.”
7. Into a pile of every pair of big-girl panties she owns. “Every one of them wet again?  I guess you’d better start the laundry over once I’ve gotten you taped up in the diapers you clearly need.”

I’m going to have unreliable Internet access for a while, so I wanted to leave you with this incredibly squirmy-hot set of instructions that a follower kindly sent me.  They’ve given me several lengthy sessions of fun, and I hope they will do the same for you!    –helplesslyregressed

~~~~~~

Timeliness can be the greatest trait of a respectable little girl. Little girls who do not express this behavior must be taught such lessons with a stern hand. Unfortunately, simple spankings and scoldings have not distilled this behavior in you, little girl, but mommy has a training plan for you that will give you the hands-on lessons you need.

Starting at 6:00 am, your pants and toilet privileges will be revoked. Instead, you will be diapered and copiously powdered for the day. You will notice that the disposables mommy has chosen for you do not have wetness indicators, and there is a reason for that.

For every time you go potty in your diaper, you will log it with the time and the type of accident (ie. #1 or #2) on the front of your diaper with a black marker. It must be accurate, and you must write it up-side down from your perspective so that mommy can read it from her side. This is to teach you the importance of detail, and that mommy’s perspective is the only perspective you should worry about. You will be gagged with your pacifier for the duration of the day, as any communication you must make must be done on the diaper. Writing down the time will teach you timeliness, particularly regarding your own body which you have clearly little understanding as evidenced by your recent accidents.

There are rules and punishments for the timings. Two adjacent recordings of #1 that are less than thirty minutes apart will result in 1 clothespin being added to your princess parts at your next diaper change, while those apart by 3 hours or more will result in 2 clothespins. The moment you record #2, you must immediately find mommy and direct her attention to the front of your diaper. If alerting me to your #2 recording takes longer than 5 minutes, it will result in one clothespin being added to your princess parts at diaper change time. Every extra two minutes after the initial five minutes will result in an additional clothespin. I will not be home all day, either, so you must plan for this as well. By the end of the day, this will teach you the importance of timeliness.

Finally, mommy may give her little girl permission to orgasm during the day. Any cummies made in your diaper must be recorded as such with the time that mommy gave you permission and when you orgasmed. If the difference between these times is shorter than five minutes or greater than thirty minutes, you will earn an additional clothespin.

Your numbers on your diaper will be copied at the end of the day to mommy’s personal chart so she can track your progress. I expect my little girl to be acutely aware of timeliness by the end of her training. 

Some of you may have been wondering why the blogging hiatus. That’s because I’ve been extremely busy raising a litter of growlybiteyjumpy things, er– Hokkaido Ken puppies. Since two of them will be staying for at least another month until they can fly to their new homes, I thought I’d go ahead and share my tried and true methods for potty training.

Note: I’ll be using the term “puppy” in this post. However, this post applies to adult dogs just as easily!

The first thing you’ll need is a means of containment for your puppy. For now, start with a crate. All puppies coming from a responsible breeder or experienced foster home should have already been desensitized to being in a crate. If your puppy is coming from a shelter, pet store, or backyard breeder, I highly recommend starting with Susan Garret’s Crate Games DVD as quickly as possible. Crates should be just big enough for your puppy to curl up and lay down in. If the crate is too big, this will make potty training much harder because they will begin to designate a specific side of their crate for pottying in vs sleeping in. PUPPIES DO NOT LIKE TO POTTY WHERE THEY SLEEP! We’re going to work with this. Many crates these days come with wire dividers so you can gradually adjust the size of the crate to fit your growing puppy. If your crate does not come with such divider, using a cardboard box to divide the crate and gradually reducing the size of the box works as well! (Though you may have issues with your puppy chewing the box.)

Your puppy will need to be let out every hour during the day, and every time he starts to cry at night. Just because your puppy can “hold it” while he’s sleeping at night does not mean he can do the same during the day. When you let him out, leash him and take him directly to his potty place (typically outside, but I realize running down three flights of stairs if you live in an apartment isn’t always feasible; sod potty patches or piddle pads are also acceptable).

​Leashing him does two important things:

1. It builds a positive association between the leash and good things, and
2. It helps him differentiate between potty time and play time
   

You should do minimal wandering with your puppy when you are attempting to get him to potty. Hold the end of a six foot leash. If necessary, you may take one or two steps in any direction, but no more than that. Give him five minutes to do his thing. Once he does, and wait for him to finish so you don’t cause him to STOP going, shower him with praise/treats while saying “Good GO POTTY!” Only after he potties should you unclip his leash (if he’s indoors or in a securely fenced in location) and let him sniff around or play for thirty minutes before putting him back in his crate.

This teaches him two things:

1. “Go potty” is something he can do on cue, and
2. The faster he goes potty, the faster play time comes

It’s extremely important to be consistent about your praise and your cues. If you start slacking off, the inconsistency will show.

When your puppy starts getting the hang of this, introduce an x-pen to give him more freedom. Place his crate inside the x-pen, along with the potty patch or piddle pad if you are going that route. If your puppy is successfully using the potty patch, gradually give him more freedom and start moving the potty patch closer to the door until your puppy will go to the door when he needs to potty.

Keep in mind that a puppy doesn’t have full bladder control until 16-20 weeks of age, sometimes later! Forgive mistakes, and never correct for “happy pee” (puppies eliminating themselves when excited). Remember that potty training is a long process, and while many puppies will progress very quickly using the methods above, there may still be accidents if you aren’t careful about supervising.  If your puppy does have an accident and you didn’t catch them in the act, promptly clean it up with an enzymatic cleaner and avoid punishing your puppy for it. All punishment does is confuse a puppy and it can cause issues further down the road.

Still having potty training issues? Stay tuned for my next blog post on potty training troubleshooting!

World’s Best Girl Dad Describes Daughter’s Potty Training Accidents | Giant Mess Comedy

Another clip from the archives – this time I talk about the trials and tribs of potty training my 2-year-old daughter over MLK Weekend of January 2021. She had a cream. Sorry.

Another clip from the archives — this time I talk about the trials and tribs of potty training my 2-year-old daughter over MLK Weekend of January 2021. She had a cream. Sorry.

It stinks (literally) that I didn’t catch my daughter in the act of:

asking for a diaper when she isn’t wearing oneme asking her if she has to poopher saying noher putting on a diaper, finding a hiding spot and dumping in…

View On WordPress

4 images from this series have been deleted by tumblr . Next try with other pictures! I was late for the potty

Fair warning, if you don’t want to watch Flash use the potty, don’t watch this video. :)