#ryantxt

cleaned both bathrooms today. i can already tell i’m going into a flare tomorrow. the amount of pain in my back and hips is unbearable but hey my bathrooms look amazing and i won’t have to do this again for another few weeks

had my cardiology appointment today! good news: my blood pressure is NOT as bad as i thought it was. turns out my machine was running high because we checked with THREE of their monitors and they all came out as 121/80 instead of the 140/90 i was getting from my machine. so my meds are working a lot better than i thought they were. i’m now cleared to continue with physical therapy and personal training! i also got some blood work to check my potassium and my kidney function and i think i’ve just had the only time i’ve ever had a doctor say that some part of me is functioning “excellently” lmaooo

so i have my cardiology appointment for my high blood pressure on friday and it seems like my emergency blood pressure meds they put me on last week to hold me over until the appointment is working. it definitely got me down from the 180/131 that sparked this whole thing, but it was only getting me down to about 145/105 but over the past few days i’ve got my bottom number under 100 and today i read at 125/90. definitely still needs work and a more specialized medicine regiment as well as some exercise changes (that i literally can’t start until my blood pressure is lower because it’s too dangerous to do strenuous exercise with this high of levels) and that’s why i have the appointment but at least i’m not AS high, you know?

not excited for tomorrow. i have to call my cardiologist right when i wake up (8am) to get my blood pressure medicine increased but the last time i called the office i spent 5 hours calling back and them calling me and around and around and around again because no one would just connect me to a nurse like i asked and it was just a game of “i’ll go ask her, i’ll call you back” then waiting for the call, have ANOTHER question for the nurse and you can see where this is going. fortunately my only other appointment is at 3pm (therapy) so i’ve got a solid few hours to knock this out.

and maybe (knock on wood) if i get the call in early enough i can be the first caller of the day and they can get back to me sooner. i mean, it shouldn’t be difficult, i already have an appointment for in person on the 6th and i’m just asking for a change in prescription that they literally told me to call them to get the last time we spoke so pray for this to go smoothly i guess

one thing i hate about traveling is the lack of access to salads. i’m very picky about my salads because of sensory issues around a lot of vegetables, so getting them at restaurants is kinda a no for me, so when i’m traveling unless i want to buy all the ingredients and make a salad in my hotel and not use all the ingredients in time of leaving, i’m not able to have a salad. i’m going on day four without a salad, which is weird for me, and my stomach ACHES. i’ve tried to keep what i’m eating as healthy as possible but without a kitchen in the hotel room im eating at restaurants for dinner and it’s all so heavy. even when i just get some kind of sandwich, it’s so heavy and filling and i just want a LIGHT salad.

fortunately my parents have decided we’re leaving a day early so i will get a salad tomorrow

i’m thinking about going back to the GI doctor. i take over the counter nexium because if i don’t take it i feel like i’m going to throw up all day long, but recently i’ve been having acid reflux symptoms (indigestion, heart burn, etc) and the over the counter stuff isn’t working. i had an endoscopy 3 years ago and everything came back normal but i’m wondering if i can get a prescription strength nexium because i’m taking tums and pepto and everything all the time to fight off the symptoms when i think a stronger dose would help. my mom has acid reflux and GERD and she takes prescription nexium for it and i’m literally a clone of her (everything that she has medically always shows up with me eventually). idk i might bring it up to my primary care first because she might be able to prescribe it and i don’t have to spend extra money going to a specialist

happy pride month to every disabled lgbtq+ person out there! i hope you have a wonderful pride, even if you can’t get out to any parades or festivals. i hope this month is kind to you, both for your orientation(s) and your disability. here’s to accessible pride spaces! ableists don’t get to celebrate pride month, sorry that’s the rules

they had to take me off my vyvanse while my blood pressure was still high and i recently got back on it now that my blood pressure is evening out and holy shit i forgot how much i need this medicine to function. like i was coping without it but everything was really difficult to do, and now i’m like able to actually do things without a constant battle with my mind, attention span, and executive functioning

i was at an 8 hour mental health first aid training yesterday and i literally slept for 13 hours last night because of how exhausted i was afterwards. fortunately there wasn’t a lot of movement and the people there made sure i had a chair that would support my back and would cause the least amount of pain and discomfort. the training itself was really good, and the instructor also called out some things that the training got wrong that mentally ill people have called out before (it’s a national curriculum and they change it every year based on feedback) so i felt very comfortable talking about my own experiences with everyone. it was also at my lgbt+ safe space that i’ve started volunteering at so i already knew a few people there.

all in all, a very good day but man i’m absolutely spent. i’ve spent the whole day in bed and i feel like i’ve run a marathon. gotta recharge and gain my spoons back lol

oof i’m having a pain flare in my lower back… i can’t bend over even slightly, i have to be helped to sit up or stand up. send me spoons yall

ughhh i feel like shit today… i woke up and i’ve been having a cough and a lot of sneezing recently so i already had that but like an hour later i got really nauseous and actually threw up. i don’t know what triggered it but i feel absolutely horrible. i guess it’s a lay in bed with tea day today

i’ve spent years adjusting and changing my meds but you know the one that’s always got my back? zofran. if i’m nauseous, it fixes that right up, no questions asked. everything else is so picky about it it wants to work or work for a long time or give me side effects but zofran? nah that one gets it.

My feeble heart cries out. It has been put through so much in this lifetime that it wasn’t designed to handle. Neither it nor I signed up for this. We didn’t agree to be dragged along painfully through the never ending suffering. So why is everyone so mad that we want to free ourselves from this burden?

I can’t say you didn’t give me anything. While I gave unwavering devotion, care, and attention, I received a permanent stomach ache, constant nausea, a feeling of worthlessness, and being ignored.

Sick of living in a nightmare

There’s only so much I can blame on my bpd and trauma at this point. Everyone blames every reaction and feeling I have on my bpd and trauma. It’s easy to blame things on that so no one has to take accountability in the way their behavior impacts me. I’m just being sensitive dumb too much crazy insane delusional. Maybe actually your bullshit words aren’t lining up with what you say. Maybe I don’t think you care not because of trauma, but because you say those words with no evidence or actions to back them up. Stop putting everything on me. Stop dismissing how I feel and pushing it onto my disorders. I’m not a human pathology. Not all my emotions and feelings are tied to some fucking disorder. I’m a person too. I know everyone forgets that but I’m a human being.

“I care” “I’m there for you” Name literally one night you were there for me while I had a breakdown.

If I have to hear one more person who doesn’t show me they care tell me they care I’m going to fucking go insane and lose my mind

The urge to kill myself so I don’t have to deal with this anymore

The fact that I am not being worshipped right now is criminal and deserves to be prosecuted

You’re replacing me at this very second

Why am I so easy to ignore. Why am I so easy to forget. Why am I so easy to replace.

Me: I have trust issues

Literally everyone: I will take this as a personal challenge to make them worse

They all took advantage of how much I cared. They knew they could get away with anything and I’d still beg them to stay. No one understands. They wonder why I didn’t leave if they were so horrible. Because I loved them. And when you love someone the way I do, you’re willing to endure anything if it means they’ll stay.

Stop hurting me I’m in so much pain already. I can’t take a single increased dosage of anguish. I’m begging I’m cowering I’m pleading. Please stop. You know how this is making me feel and you won’t stop. Why isn’t my pain enough for you to stop?! Is it because you like it? Do you like when the tears freely fall from my eyes and my face contorts into an unrecognizable mask of suffering? Do you like when I scream and plead for you to stop? You probably love it. You probably smile like the sick fuck you are that you tried to hide behind once sweet words. The fake fucking lies of words that served only to latch me onto you. You know what this feels like so why would you make me endure this? How cruel can one person be?!

Why are you doing this to me. Why are you doing this to me. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME.

‘Being treated like shit by the current people in your life’ to ‘romanticizing and missing past people that treated you like shit because it’s been so long and they seem great by comparison because they aren’t actively causing you pain and you forget truly how bad things were so you have urges to reach out’ pipeline

Stop being kind to people that treat you like shit and don’t take your feelings into consideration. Stop doing the most for people that don’t even do a little. Stop giving people so many chances when they won’t even attempt to change yet leave you at the slightest sign of difficulty. Stop falling for the lies that only serve to get you attached so they can take advantage and mistreat you. Stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. They know what they’re doing and they don’t care.

Being hurt by someone:)

Being hurt by someone you expected better from:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ain’t nothing like someone getting your hopes up and you ending up disappointed and let down for the 168282181828183799272626274th time

All my time is spent talking to you and then waiting for you to come back so we can talk more

Bpd really is just ! Waiting for people you’re attached to to return like a sad little animal <333