this is a fic i had been working on for a while before my uh,,,ahem, relapse, so I never got to publishing it. it’s still not done and i don’t know when exactly it will be, so i thought i’d give a lil sneak peek just for funsies until it is to be published in its entirety. nonetheless. have fun reading. i miss you guys. not sure when i’ll be back quite yet, but i love you all <3
“What about now?” you asked. “Still want to eat me?”
“Yes.”
Biting your lip, you nodded. “Let me rephrase: will you eat me?”
He smirked. “Maybe.”
Sighing in relief, you let out a quiet laugh. “Well that’s good, I suppose. I’ll just keep in mind not to get into the water then.” Though you had no intention of ever doing that to begin with.
Silence washed over you like the waves that surrounded you, leaving you feeling unsure and only slightly unsettled. Yet you wouldn’t say it was entirelyuncomfortable.
“Why don’t you just ask her out,” Changbin had suggested after you had went downstairs to grab the food.
Hyunjin shrugged, “I don’t feel a need to.”
Changbin fixed him with a funny look.
“Don’t you have feelings for her?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then why not make things official?”
To Hyunjin things already felt that way. You knew he loved you and you loved him in turn, but the two of you were happy with the way things were now. There was no need to label anything between the two of you.
To anyone that didn’t know them, they would think you were dating. The two of you were always attached at the hip. If Hyunjin felt lonely he’d call you, if he needed a companion on one of his spontaneous late night trips you were there. Soon the two of you realized that the friendship between you had grown into something more.
You had both confessed to one another but nothing had gone further than that. Your romance was slow paced sure, but it was a pace that both you and Hyunjin were comfortable with. You had shared soft pecks often but nothing had gone further than an innocent press of lips from time to time.
You and Hyunjin loved one another in your own special way and you were content with that.
summary -> there’s nothing worse than falling for your best friend, is there? Add him moving away to the mix.
word count -> 2.5k
genre -> friends to lovers!au, angst
warnings -> mutual pining, both of you are absolute dumbasses about your feelings at first but very painfully obvious now, nothing else.
past.
“You’re my past, my present, and i hope, i awfully hope you’ll be my future,”
You finish and look up at Seungmin, he holds his breath and his face gradually twists into one of those smiles that make your heart feel at ease. And he feels the same, it’s right in his eyes as he holds out your hand –
And you open your eyes to yourself, hair unkempt and in front of the mirror. You were practicing confessing to your best friend and a version of you that was not completely a fool in love rolled its eyes at you, this was so typical, falling for your best friend, fantasizing about him feeling the same, it was all so cliche.
But it went away as you shook your head, there’s nothing wrong in it.
In about a few hours, all your friends would come over, including seungmin for a casual hangout and normally you would be scrolling instagram until seungmin came and reminded you what time it was.
This was just how every weekend of yours went by.
But today instead of the usual relief in your senses that you could finally relax after a hectic week, a nervous fiddling sensation took over you as you anticipated that the clock hit the 5:00 pm mark quickly.
present.
You sit on seungmin’s bed fiddling with the handle of his bag, touching along the rough surface of it. You’re shocked you still have tears in you, given the amount you’ve cried as the realization of it all settled in you, and blink them away. You were going to be okay, besides you can’t afford to cry in front of Seungmin, you can’t make him weak, it’s already going to be so hard for him.
As you scratch off a spare piece of dirt from the bag, you can’t believe it gets to stay with seungmin and you don’t. So silly.
you think back to that day again, it was july, early july, yes. You remember how your heart was practically jumping out of your throat as you saw him.
And it was Han who found out, it was one of the gatherings you all kept at the time, you planned it at yours this time, wanting to confess while cleaning up or when the rest of them are gone because it was almost always this way; they’d come over and have fun, watch movies but at the end of the day only your best friend would stick around to clean up or vice versa if it was at his. It often ended in a sleepover with you both being so tired that you’d fall asleep right about just anywhere.
Back to Han, he wanted a pen for your cousin, who was visiting at the time, to write down her number and he knew that being the nerd he was, seungmin would have a pen and paper with him. The movie was paused for a quick bathroom break for seungmin when your cousin had finally given into the han’s shameless flirting and had accepted to give her number. Han had discovered the acceptance letter then, perched between his books, not in an intention of hiding, almost as if he wanted it to be discovered.
A dark blue envelope with a huge “to, mr. kim seungmin” written in professional handwriting. And when seungmin came back, his friend looked at him with a small smile, clearly offended that his friend didn’t tell him, but he still got over that quickly and hugged him tight, he was so proud of him.
Meanwhile seungmin had looked to you, and while you knew seungmin had an interest in going abroad, you didn’t actually quite believe it till that moment. And you had comforted him, if that’s what made him happy then he should obviously go for it.
And he let out a sigh in relief.
But time had stopped for you, what was supposed to be something special had ended tragically and you felt pain sear through your heart slowly, taking over your body slowly.
But deep down you both knew that even though you told him that it was okay, it wasn’t quite the case. He could sense the disappointment you had in him in the next few days in the form of distance you gave him, the silent treatment.
They only stopped when he confronted you about it, and you apologised and confessed to him, who would like their best friend moving away?
To which he had told you it’d be okay, he’ll stay in touch and be back before you know it.
Thinking about him, he comes out of the bathroom with his hair moist and skin glossy. He’s, unfortunately, dressed, as the tshirt sticks to his obviously wet torso. You can almost see the wheels in his brain spinning as he makes sure he’s taken everything and has planned everything. As he looks at you, he shoots you a smile.
And it pains him more than anything in this world to do it, because he chose this, he shouldn’t be regretting it, he shouldn’t be hiding the fact that he isn’t happy, from you; but he doesn’t want you asking the reason behind it, because clearly he was very happy about his admission letter when it came in 2 months ago.
But it was before. It was before the realization that hit him on the head suddenly and caught him off guard that he’s in love with his best friend. And he thought it’d go away, he’d ignore it and that would be it. But as the days passed and the time he’d have to spend away from you came closer, he wished on every shooting star in the world for it to be cancelled, some unexpected thing to pop up, anything.
He can’t tell you this obviously, because as of now, it’s concrete he’s going and if you even reciprocate a proportion of his feelings, you’d be hurt and he did not want it.
past.
The screen had gone black, leaving the dark room in silence in its wake. And the credits began rolling on the screen. Some trashy ost plays in the background and as seungmin reaches for the remote on the table, a question lights up your brain.
‘what if he doesn’t feel the same?‘
You’re 14, and you don’t see a problem with being in love with your best friend except one, which might just be the downfall of the very feeling.
Oh wait, no, there’s another, 'what if he does feel the same, but you both don’t work out?’ that’d automatically be a crash for a great friendship.
And the movie which revolved around two best friends trying to navigate problems while being with each other and just ending up together gave you hope, you wouldn’t lie, but you also knew real life was nothing like a movie.
So you tried to get your answer slyly, lying on your back on the sofa of seungmin’s basement, you watched him as he wrapped up the stuff that was littered around, spare pieces of popcorn, wrappers from packets of chips, to get ready to sleep.
As he tried finding them all, you stretched your hand, and looked at the ceiling, and as nonchalantly as possible -
“Minnie, did you like the movie?”
“Uh huh,”
“The plot?”
“Kinda?” he said, still not looking up from his work.
“Do you think best friends can end up as lovers?” dropped the bomb.
“I-, well,” he looked up and you turned to him, the tension in the air was thicker than it had ever been.
“It depends on the person,” and for a moment you think, he might confess or if he doesn’t you have the urge to, but -
“And besides that was a movie, y/n, a movie.”
He knows, now, or has a hunch about what you were trying to tell him.
present.
Maybe if he had been a little more intelligent he would have realized it then and he wouldn’t be here in this ordeal.
And even though all of the articles he found on long distance relationships were positive, he didn’t wanna do that. It was too much longing.
So he was just going to have to leave and try to forget you, because in this case he can’t have you return his feelings. Just no, he doesn’t know how he can leave after that.
He glanced at you, trying to look around the room for things he could possibly need but have forgotten.
And goddamn is he in love with you.
The reality hits you once more as you’re taking the bags downstairs, he’s leaving, he’s taking all of your happiness with him, he’s taking away the bracelet you made him when you were 7 but you’re sure it’d be forgotten. He checks the time on his watch, “3:00 pm.” he announces, his flight is in 3 hours, and in 3 hours your relationship, your friendship will be a thing of the past.
present.
You don’t believe it’ll remain the same even after he promises you with a comforting smile everytime you bring it up.
His parents give you a sympathetic look as you shoot them a smile; it’s going to be fine, his mother had told you. “You can come visit when you miss him.” and you’d rather bite your own knee then visit this house where you spent most of your childhood and all of your teenage years without the boy who made it alive.
Seungmin sees you zoning out and it makes him wanna rip apart his admission letter, tear away the suitcases and stay here forever. But he takes one look at his watch which draws closer to his departure and recounts if he has everything for the umpteenth time.
And you wanted to break down all over again as you saw the bags piled over near the door where you’d run in together during summer hoping your popsicles don’t melt until you can slurp and look into the mirror and see the color on your tongues, secretly hoping what the two colours would look if mixed;
The original plan was for you to see him off at the house itself; but his parents urge you to come to the airport and you pick at your sweater, thinking of ways to stop your tears. And even Seungmin insists you tag along, he doesn’t even want to waste a minute of being with you.
and you bury your upset inside deeper; you need to keep your friend strong.
a few of your common friends drop by as his father loads the luggage in the back of his car; the sun is a pretty shade of orange mixed with pink, a little dull and depressed due to its defeat to the moon in a few hours.
you think about how you’ll keep on replaying this evening over and over again for nights to come. thinking about something you could have said to make the pain go away because feelings weigh down on you, threaten to crush you apart when you don’t let them out and that was exactly what was going on with the both of you.
Han, as he completed talking to his friend, walked over to you sitting on the porch, and took a seat there.
“are you okay?” he asks in a whisper. “i mean your best friend is going away,”
he emphasises his ‘best friend’ a little too much to be in a normal way and you narrow your eyes at him.
“fuck you,” you roll your eyes playfully and laughs as well. it was an unspoken thing between you two, he knew you liked seungmin but he kept his mouth shut and you knew that he did.
“but for real though,” his expressions transition to serious after he’s done laughing. “are you going to tell him or not?”
“no,” you deadpan.
“why? it’s so fucking obvious he likes you!” he groans.
“I don’t know, han. firstly i’m not even sure he likes me and second, even if he does, we’re not guaranteed to work long distance so it’s better if he finds someone else there and we’ll see it from there if or when he’s back.”
“you’re dumb.”
you shoot him a grin, “i know.”
later, you’re in the car, you’re going over something suitable to say, because the atmosphere is tense. his parents are getting as upset as you as their only son is about to leave.
and seungmin; seungmin feels like he could start bawling his eyes out anywhere, he didn’t want to leave his world, his home.
but it was his choice and now he had to own up to it.
And finally about two hours later, he’s glancing at his city, his parents and his world, all for the last time. He wants to turn back time and never ever write the essay that got him in here in the first place, but it’s impossible.
“We’ll go get some snacks for you?” His parents sense the need for privacy and excuse themselves. Meanwhile you try to not cry your very existence out.
“so,” he turns back. you’re on the boarding gate almost, after this, it can be almost a year when you see him again, and you //know//, you just know you both won’t be the same as now.
“I didn’t think you’d come actually,”
“to the airport?”
“to see me off, i know you’re not happy with my decision.”
And you don’t deny it; no more playful bantering.
“I mean we did plan to go to a college near us, but well things change and I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye.’’
and you hug your best friend.
you don’t want him to go, you want to confess to him, make him regret taking this decision. but as much as you loved him, he loved his dreams.
and as for you, seeing him content would be enough.
and so, after his parents return and his mother sniffles a little, he leaves.
he promises he’ll stay in touch, give you updates, a dorm tour, and you give him a day or two before he gets busy. and you don’t blame him, you accept it and you move on.
it is hard on the first night, you toss and turn, about to text seungmin to let him know you can’t sleep and to possibly sneak out and sit on the bench outside your house just staring up at the sky. but as you pick up your phone you realize that he’s not coming.
so it sucks but you hug your pillow and try to forget it. but ended up wetting with the constant flow of your tears.
you move on with your life, your classes, new friends, a whole new kind of life without your best friend.
but then his face turns into a small icon you see on instagram putting up stories of the new cafes he visits and the new people he meets.
and he contacts you first, a lot, updates you, facetimes you.
