#seungmin angst
prompt : ( Seungmin x Reader ) Seungmin breaks up with you to join the JYP Nation. You understand, of course, but it’s taking a toll on both of you.
genre :angst
word count :1.7k
muse insp :GOT7 • Never Ever (spotify ,soundcloud)
You and Seungmin had always been close. You met in middle school, initially; you sat next to each other in a couple classes and your friend groups merged over time. The two of you formed a more romantic relationship in your last year of middle school, and it really blossomed as you converted into high school. The two of you were inseparable, truly; you were attached by the hip and, in your mind, nothing would tear your love apart.
You, however, stood corrected.
Seungmin, you knew, was amazing at singing, and he loved performing. He wanted to go on to be an idol, and you supported him. You knew it would end your relationship. But you didn’t care, because you loved him and all you wanted was for your Minnie to be happy. However, you were still struck with grief when he broke the news that he was accepted and that the relationship you’d grown to love so much was going to have to end.
You could still remember the day, an hour, the clothes you both wore, every detail. You were on the couch, waiting for him to drop by and tell you the news. You weren’t sure how to feel; if he were to get rejected, he would be upset and feel insecure about his talent, because he could be rather sensitive. But if he was accepted and got into the trainee program, you would lose him forever.
You were truly at a loss.
That being said, he eventually showed up about ten minutes late. You didn’t mind, it wasn’t your place to judge why he’d been late. But as you stood with a bright smile, clad in one of his shirts and simple shorts, your phone dropped from your small hand as you realized that his eyes were red and his cheeks were streaked with tears. Your instinct was to rush over to him and hug him, kiss his tears away, shush him and whisper sweet nothings into his ears, but your movements were delayed. You took slow, short strides to where he stood. His school bag slid over his shoulder and landed on the floor.
“Seungmin,” Your words came out in a feathery breath as you stepped closer, bringing your soft hands up to cup his face, “What’s wrong? What did they say?”
He leaned into your touch, closing his eyes tightly as he fought another sob from ripping out of his throat. “Lamb,” He mumbled, “They won’t… Let us. You- you have to.. Understand..”
Your eyes widened as they glazed with panic, you dropped your hands from his cheeks, “What.. do you mean? Is this it for.. For us?”
Your lover’s eyes shot open, and he struggled to step closer to you, to touch you. “Please,” He whimpered, “Please understand. I’m sorry.”
Your lips pursed into a thin line as you took a tiny step back, fighting the tears that threatened to escape your eyes. You knew what this meant; Seungmin got in, and they told him the truth. You’d been expecting this. But damn, it still hurt like hell.
“I don’t have a choice,” He continued, his lips quivering and his voice breaking, “Please. I love you.”
A sob forced its way out of you, your body jerking with the motion as your throat and eyes burned. “I understand. I know this is what you want. And I’m okay with that. But… It just hurts, Minnie… It hurts. You do have a choice. But I would never pressure you to make that choice.”
Seungmin’s eyes grew wide as the tears he’d been trying to hold back cascaded down his cheeks. He wanted nothing more than you hug you, to tell you everything was going to be okay, to tell you how much he loved you and that he’d never let you go.
But he was letting you go.
You let a sad, teary smile grow onto your face as you looked up at him. “Go, Kim Seungmin,” You said, “Go live your dreams. Be happy. Forget about me, please, because I don’t want to weigh you down.”
The older boy opened his mouth to protest, to which you cut him off before he could even say anything, “This is what you’ve been wanting. So I will support you because I love you. I want to be with you, but it looks like it just wasn’t meant to be that way, and that’s okay.”
All he could do was sob. He didn’t deserve you. You were so understanding, too sweet. Too perfect.
You didn’t deserve to be tossed away like this. You deserved better. Much better than Seungmin.
Once you finished talking, your dam broke; you started sobbing and crying like it was the key to keeping you alive. You covered your wet face as your emotions – your pain – spilt out of you. You didn’t know what you were going to do without Seungmin. He was your everything. Your light, your sun, your stars, your world. Without him, there would simply be a gaping hole in your heart.
The two of you cried together for some time. What else was there to do? Neither one of you could form coherent words. That is until you screamed for him to leave. It was shrill, and lacking all anger; just pain.
Unable to stand to see you like that, unable to cope with what he’d done to you, Seungmin rushed out of the house.
All contact was broken with him after that.
* * *
You were nothing but a hollow shell of a person for two months after the breakup. You sat in your dark room and stared at pictures of him, or pictures of you and him together. You didn’t eat much, and at school, you didn’t talk to anyone. It seemed the others around you knew to leave you be, word of the breakup spread fast – you were the “it” couple, after all. With gossip, comes rumours. Most of your classmates knew the truth because Seungmin going into idol business was pretty big and it spread fast. But there are always those ignorant few who feel the need to stir up drama wherever they go. The biggest one was cheating, which you felt disgusted by. Why would someone assume that either you or Seungmin cheated on the other? Cheating is a horrible thing to do and it’s something you despise with the entirety of your being. That being said, you did not like the scandalous rumours arising in the school halls.
Come summer, you feel a little bit better. Your childhood friend, Benji, had been texting you and cheering you up. He lived in America and had lived there for some time, now. It was a random day that he said something crazy, but something that promised you a new future. Something that you found yourself wanting to do more than anything.
He wanted you to move to America and live with him and his girlfriend.
So, you thought, fuck it. Why the hell not?
After discussing it with your parents, who surprisingly allowed you to go, you packed your things and were sent to California only three weeks later.
There, your new life began. You dyed your hair, started wearing a little more makeup, started working out; you really wanted and took advantage of this “new start.” You became a different person. You were thriving, and you loved it. Seungmin was pushed to the back of your mind. In fact, after almost a year, you barely thought about him at all.
Sometimes, though, you missed him. You missed his soft touches, his lips on yours, his soft brown eyes boring into your own. But you knew that what happened was for the best. With that in mind, you pushed everything back and focussed on your new life.
Once again, finally, you were happy.
* * *
Though you lived in America, your family remained in Seoul. Thus, obviously, you would have to visit from time to time, which you didn’t mind.
It was on one of these simple trips, you were staying in a hotel that was in the city with your two friends whom you lived with. It was late, probably around midnight, and you were craving chocolate more than anything. So, by God and everything holy, you went out to buy some damn chocolate.
Little did you realize just how scary the streets of Seoul were.
You had the hood of your grey hoodie up over your hair, and your hands were shoved in your pockets. The darkness, save for the streetlights, seemed to leak from the alleyways and claw at you. Every small noise made you jump and turn to see what it was. Life was different, come the shadows and darkness of the night.
You made a quick trip to the small 24-hour convenience store. The clerk was a woman in her thirties, she read a magazine with drooping eyelids. You made sure to make your purchase quick.
While she was ringing you up, you glanced outside the window, and what you saw made your heart jump to your throat. There, looking into the store, and probably at you, was a man in a black hoodie with the hood pulled over his head. His dark brown eyes stared into your own, they were unreadable. He walked away seconds after you made eye contact.
You pursed your lips, paid for the chocolate, and left the store. Slipping the sweet candy into your pocket, you rushed down the street, listening for footsteps and watching for the strange man. You didn’t like the feeling in the pit of your stomach; the fear and the dread.
Then you heard them. Quick, heavy footsteps behind you. They, along with your irregular heartbeat, pounded in your ears and pulsed through your veins.
You started speeding up, running as your hood fell in the rush.
“Wait!” A heart-breakingly familiar voice called out from behind you.
You stopped in your tracks and turned to face the person, the same one you saw in the window, except his hood, too, had fallen while running. His newly dyed reddish brown hair swayed in the small breeze and shone in the dim light of the streetlight next to him. His deep, almond-shaped eyes were wide and bore into your own with something unreadable in them. His lips were parted slightly in shock as he panted quietly from the running he’d done to catch up with you. Your eyes became the size as plates, your lungs felt heavy and empty at the same time, your heartbeat continued to rattle your bones.
“Seungmin?”
gesture of love
idol:kim seungmin × reader
genre:angst
warnings: pure sadness lol
the evening started off with plenty of work you had to get done by tomorrow afternoon. life was stressful and the less you got done, the more you got riled up with everything.
luckily,seungmin was coming home today from a full week of practicing, causing him to stay at the dorms all week long. even though you had to finish really important stuff, you still wanted to greet your boyfriend in a proper way.
you cooked food for him, and cleaned the whole apartment until your limbs started to hurt. it was definitely a tough day, but at least he’s going to be happy about your surprise.
when you heard the doorbell ring, you jumped out of chair, running to open it quickly. the door revealed a tired, but kinda happy seungmin. he looked pretty devastated and he probably planned on going to bed right away.
but you hoped that it won’t turned out like that and that he will be happy about your present for him.
“hey, baby.”, you grinned and hugged him really tightly. it wondered you why his grip on your waist was so loose, it didn’t feel like he was excited to see you again.
“is everything alright?”, you nibbed onto your lower lip.
“uhm, yeah. what made you think that?”, he knitted his eyebrows.
“oh, it was nothing. you just seem so off.”, you weakly smiled.
“you know i practiced all week. i’m going to sleep.”, he scoffed and stepped inside.
“are you not hungry?”, you then asked.
“i ate earlier that day.”, he replied harshly.
“but i cooked for you.”, your lips curved downwards.
“too bad. i don’t want to eat.”, he closed the bathroom door, leaving you alone in the hallway.
was everything useless? the effort you put in?
the now cold food?
“okay.”, you mumbled into the air and walked back into the kitchen, where you set a prepared table for the two of you. seems like you were the only one sitting at it tonight.
it was stress. you told yourself. he wasn’t mad at you, right? he was just tired and exhausted.
you ate your self-made meal on your own. it felt really unromantic since the candle wasn’t even lit up. the food wasn’t even served properly, just smashed onto your plate. and the room was really dark, so no one could see the tears streaming down your cheeks. it was really useless, you had to admit.
you finished half of the food, before packing it up into plastic boxes and containers for tomorrow. actually, you had planned on watching a movie. maybe he wanted to join you, so you decided to ask him.
when you entered the bedroom, with a few dvd’s in your hand, you found your boyfriend sitting on the bed scrolling through social media.
“do you want to watch a movie?”, you nicely asked.
“no.”, he just said.
“why?”, your head hung low.
“just leave, i said i don’t want to watch one.”, he cursed.
“i was just asking.”, you spoke before leaving the room.
you watched one of the selected movies, before you decided on going to bed. you planned on sleeping on the couch since you didn’t want to face seungmin. it was the better option in your opinion.
the night was uncomfortable and cold. you were too frightened to ask him for another blanket.
the things he did to you.
the next day came in fast. seungmin walked into the living room to see you all asleep and curled up into a ball.
normally, he would wake you up with a kiss or a hug, but today it was different. he did nothing, instead he took out the food from yesterday and started to eat it.
you then woke up and noticed his presence.
“good morning.”, you whispered and slide onto the chair next to him.
“morning.”, he said.
“is the food good?”, you smiled.
“it’s okay.”
you frowned.
after he ate up the food. he headed out of the door and quickly you rushed behind him to say goodbye.
you hugged him from behind.
“y/n!”, he cursed again.
“why are you so harsh with me?”, you then asked quietly.
“y/n listen. you’re damn clingy.”, he turned around and spoke, clearly annoyed by you.
“what?”, your eyes went wide.
“what did i do wrong!”, you snapped.
“you never leave me alone! just let me be, god damn!”, he yelled.
“go.”, was the last word of you before pushing him out of your apartment.
you cried the whole night, it was just a gesture of love.
————————————————————-
i want to cry at my own imagine oop
— Different Meaning —
+ pairing: kim seungmin x female reader
+ genre: fluff, enemies to lovers, florist!seungmin, best friend!felix
+ warnings:none
+ word count: 1.1k
+ requested as part of my Drabble Event #2
+ summary: Your plan was simple: get Kim Seungmin a flower bouquet that screamed how much you despised him. However, your plan fails after you meet the florist and understand that maybe flowers can mean different things to different people.
+ lia’s note: Hello, I hope you’re doing well. When I tell you I love this drabble, it’s because I do. I had so much fun writing it and I hope you enjoy reading it too! Please, like/reblog this if you enjoy reading it and let me know your thoughts through an ask if you feel like it! As always, happy reading!
[stray kids m-list] ● [join my taglist]
“What flower says I hate you the most?” You asked your best friend as the two of you stared at the flower shop window, looking over the different arrangements on display. “Do you think I should google it?”
“Why do you want flowers anyway?” Felix shrugged and messed his hair. “Couldn’t you get him, I don’t know, a box of spicy chocolates?”
“Those don’t say I hate you discreetly, Felix. Those are too straightforward. Besides, he likes spicy food.”
“How do you know that?”
You ignored Felix as you moved away from the window, grabbing your phone and quickly searching which flowers had the meaning of I hate you. You scrolled through a couple of the results and made a mental list of the flowers you’d consider: orange lilies and yellow carnations seemed like the best option. You’d be sure to ask the florist to make you a small bouquet with that.
“Let’s go!”
You grabbed Felix’s hand and pulled him to the inside of the flower shop. A soft melody played and your eyes got lost in the beautiful colours of the different flowers, their scents melting in the air beautifully.
“Welcome to the flower shop! How can I help you?”
Your dream was short-lived when you glanced at who was behind the counter. The disappointment you felt was probably not mutual because his smile didn’t fade. Since when did Kim Seungmin work at a flower shop?
“I’ll wait outside…” Before you could argue with your best friend, Felix was already opening the shop door and stepping outside, offering you a thumbs-up from the outside.
You shook your head and massaged your temples, not surprised Felix left you here on your own to chat with Seungmin. He always did this whenever you were together. Slowly, you made your way to the counter and placed your hands on it, glancing at Seungmin. As usual, he had a smirk on his lips that made your heart jump in your chest at an awfully fast pace. This was why you couldn’t stand Kim Seungmin. You didn’t like feeling this way when you were close to him.
“I’d like a small bouquet with… orange lilies and yellow carnations. You can make it ugly, I don’t care.”
“That bouquet is for me, isn’t it?” He chuckled and leaned on the counter, keeping his eyes on you. You glanced at his lips and back into his eyes, wishing you had the strength in yourself to look away. “Props to you for looking up the meaning of the flowers. Sadly, we don’t have those flowers in stock. Do you still want to offer me an I hate you flower arrangement?”
“Make me a flower arrangement with the flower you hate the most, then.” You leaned closer to him too, somewhat upset. “And I don’t care about how it looks. The more you hate it, the more I’ll like it.”
He shrugged. “I don’t hate any flower, Y/N. And I can’t possibly make it look bad, not even on purpose. I am that talented. However, it will never be as beautiful as you, of course.”
Here he was again, swaying you with his words. You didn’t like this at all, especially when you knew this was the most cliché pick-up line he could’ve used on you. Besides, he didn’t mean it. Seungmin charmed everyone around him with words, half of which he didn’t mean.
His words carried no meaning. He truly didn’t think you were beautiful no matter how much you wished he did.
As he got back to work on the flower arrangement you had requested him, you paced around the flower shop and glanced at the different shades and sizes, smelling a couple of them to get the full experience of their scents. Some were stronger while others were lighter, but you enjoyed all of them.
“Gardenia,” Seungmin said after a while. “Specifically the white ones.”
“Do you hate them?”
He chuckled and shook his head, glancing your way. “I don’t hate them. I just feel powerless by them.”
“Why is that?”
You started to walk towards the counter again, focusing on what Seungmin was doing. He had selected a couple of flowers and was working hard to prepare a flower arrangement. He was methodical in his work, quick too. You found yourself leaning on the counter, fascinated by what he was doing, admiring him from afar.
“I always wanted to give you a bouquet with them.” He stopped what he was doing and messed up his hair, quickly glancing at you. He was flustered, making you flustered in return. “They’re pretty flowers. But I always feared you’d know what they meant so I kept myself from sending them to you.”
“It’s ok if you despise me, you know? What do they mean, anyway?” You said that last part more to yourself than to him.
You got your phone out of your pocket again and searched for the name of the flower he had said. The more you read, the more confused you were. Most websites said positive things, lovely things. Seungmin couldn’t possibly mean that, could he?
“Like any other flower, they can mean different things. But if I ever gave you these flowers it would be to tell you that you’re lovely.”
Your eyes shot from your phone screen to Seungmin on the other side of the counter, extending a bouquet of white flowers to you. It took you a while to understand that the flowers in front of you were the same flowers on the images on your phone.
White gardenias. Seungmin had prepared a bouquet with white gardenias.
Slowly, you reached your hand towards the bouquet, unable to hide your smile. It looked pretty, not ugly as you had requested. And the flowers were lovely, maybe more lovely than you. However, you couldn’t help but wonder what you would do with it. You had asked him for a bouquet with the flowers he despised the most, but now that you knew what they meant, you couldn’t help but wonder if that wasn’t the message you wanted to get across to Seungmin, but couldn’t.
You’re lovely.
“So these are the flowers you loathe the most?” You asked, just be sure.
“I guess…” He shrugged and messed his hair, smiling at you afterwards. “Just let me know which meaning you’re giving to them once you offer me the bouquet later.”
You nodded, feeling your heartbeat increase the more you stared at him. Except, this time, instead of looking away or making a sarcastic remark pretending you didn’t care for him, you allowed yourself to smile and enjoy this small moment.
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genre: slight fluff but mostly angst
au: dark academia au, college au
warnings: mentions of blood, corpses, murder, knives, stabbing
wordcount: 1.2k
pairing: gn!reader x kim seungmin
A cold wind scatters dead leaves across the campus, static clings onto wool sweaters, the squirrels retreat to their trees—all signs of an incoming storm. The sky boasts of large gray clouds, the promise of rain literally looming overhead.
Yet for the past twenty minutes, not a single drop has fallen. As you traverse the campus to the library, you wonder if you should have chosen to wear your oxfords instead of your practical but ill-matching rubber rain boots. The prospect of rain was what stopped you, but you were very nearly tempted to damage your favorite pair of shoes because Kim Seungmin asked if you wanted to study together.
As charming as you found him, you nonetheless donned your cherry-red boots before you left your dorm and took what your friends referred to as your ‘funeral umbrella’ in case a storm did arrive. You discover that you made the correct choice when you approach the steps outside of the library, when the sky finally enacts its threat.
It comes down all at once, and you scramble up the darkening stairs with your unopened umbrella. Fat water droplets pelt your cheeks, and lightning flashes in the distance, momentarily lighting up the world before it falls dim again. A small crowd has gathered at the door to watch, and you hastily push past them, muttering apologies as you frantically smoothing your wild hair before entering the premises.
You suppose today has proved to be an unfortunate sort of day because Seungmin is one of the onlookers. He calls your name, and you wave back, trying to presume a nonchalant pose that turns out to be more awkward than you imagined. When he makes his way over to you, you are thoroughly flustered.
And you haven’t even said a word to him yet.
“Forgot you had that?” he teases, gesturing to your umbrella.
“I thought I could make it. It all happened so fast.” You nervously thumb the strap of your worn leather messenger bag and wonder how you are going to make it through the study session. “Good thing you got here before it started.”
“Yeah, I just missed it. I arrived a little before you did. But now that you’re here,” he says, “where should we go? I like the basement level the best, but I’ll let you choose since you got rained on.”
You select the fourth floor, the topmost one with the large floor-to-ceiling windows and a terrace overlooking the historic campus. Brick buildings laced with ivy, sun-dappled maple trees—with such a view, you have no clue why anyone would prefer the fluorescent lights and dust of the basement.
When you ask him, he simply replies, “No one’s ever there.”
Your shoes make uncomfortable squelching sounds rather than the satisfying clicks you are accustomed to. The students lounging on the first floor eye you as you pass by, but Seungmin continues striding forward, slowing his steps when he remembers that he is walking alongside someone for a change.
“I can hold your umbrella for you,” he offers.
“I’m fine. Oh,” you realize as you now look more carefully at him, “you didn’t bring one, did you?” Before you lose your nerve, you add, “I can walk you home or to your car or whatever if it’s still raining when we’re done.”
He smiles. If you were the dramatic, romantic sort—and you are—you would liken it to the sun. “Really? Thanks.”
“It’s nothing,” you shyly reply as you press your thumb to the elevator button. It has always felt wrong to you that a stately, old building like the library has something as modern as this. Sometimes it feels as if the university agrees since the elevator works like it is as old as the invention of the apparatus itself. “You said 9 in your text, right?”
“Yeah, but we can honestly study until closing if you want. I don’t have anything planned for tonight.”
“That sounds great! I mean, ‘cause I also—”
A loud rattle interrupts you. The silver doors open, and a boy with a near identical messenger bag to yours, walks out. You and Seungmin step inside and stand a delicate distance away from each other in the middle. You push the button for the fourth floor, and the doors shut, leaving just you and Seungmin alone, together, underneath a flickering panel of light. The inner workings of the elevator shift and creak as they carry you upwards.
A crack of thunder, able to be heard even through the walls, makes you jump. The light disappears the same instant, and a frightened cry escapes your mouth when everything goes black. Seungmin asks if you’re okay, and you assure him that you’re fine. The elevator is at a standstill.
“I think we lost power,” you uselessly say after a few seconds, when it is clear that the outage is not going to be momentary. You fumble for your phone, only to reason that there will be no service anyway. You turn on the flashlight and direct at the panel of buttons. “Hopefully the emergency call actually works.”
Seungmin seems rather delighted by the situation. “Can I do it?”
Unfortunately for him, the elevator starts going back down. Everything is still dark though, so you and Seungmin exchange concerned looks when you both voice your confusions. As the ground floor approaches, the confusion morphs into unease when you hear the commotion on the other side of the doors: distant screaming, a multitude of hushed conversations that have become a sea of noise, and orders being shouted.
“What the fuck is happening?”
You grip your umbrella handle tighter while Seungmin puts his arm protectively in front of you when the doors open. The first floor is still swathed in darkness, but with the help of flashlights from everywhere, you can make out a crowd of people crouching near the front entrance. Lightning flashes, illuminating dozens of faces against the windows. As Seungmin guides you out, you catch whispers.
Knife. Stab. Murder.
No, two murders. Maybe three. Definitely more than one.
You pull on Seungmin’s sweater sleeve. “Let’s stay here,” you say before he can get any closer to the crowd. A wide berth has been given to the crime scene because of a security guard, but Seungmin seems entranced by it. Half of the library seems to be in the same stupor as well. “I don’t think we’ll be able to leave.”
“Yeah, probably not.” He sweeps a hand through his hair and sighs. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
You echo the same sentiment and let out a sigh of relief when you hear sirens in the distance. When the paramedics come with stretchers and not body bags, for a moment, you hope that this is all a mistake and that someone simply fainted. But when the crowd gets up to make room for the paramedics, through the gaps, you see a dark pool of something that can only be blood. Then a limp hand laying leadenly across the floor.
“Don’t look,” Seungmin warns too late.
“I know.”
You tear your eyes away but not before seeing a police officer pick up a bloody messenger bag that looks eerily similar to yours.
too late - kim seungmin
pairing -> kim seungmin x reader
summary -> there’s nothing worse than falling for your best friend, is there? Add him moving away to the mix.
word count -> 2.5k
genre -> friends to lovers!au, angst
warnings -> mutual pining, both of you are absolute dumbasses about your feelings at first but very painfully obvious now, nothing else.
past.
“You’re my past, my present, and i hope, i awfully hope you’ll be my future,”
You finish and look up at Seungmin, he holds his breath and his face gradually twists into one of those smiles that make your heart feel at ease. And he feels the same, it’s right in his eyes as he holds out your hand –
And you open your eyes to yourself, hair unkempt and in front of the mirror. You were practicing confessing to your best friend and a version of you that was not completely a fool in love rolled its eyes at you, this was so typical, falling for your best friend, fantasizing about him feeling the same, it was all so cliche.
But it went away as you shook your head, there’s nothing wrong in it.
In about a few hours, all your friends would come over, including seungmin for a casual hangout and normally you would be scrolling instagram until seungmin came and reminded you what time it was.
This was just how every weekend of yours went by.
But today instead of the usual relief in your senses that you could finally relax after a hectic week, a nervous fiddling sensation took over you as you anticipated that the clock hit the 5:00 pm mark quickly.
present.
You sit on seungmin’s bed fiddling with the handle of his bag, touching along the rough surface of it. You’re shocked you still have tears in you, given the amount you’ve cried as the realization of it all settled in you, and blink them away. You were going to be okay, besides you can’t afford to cry in front of Seungmin, you can’t make him weak, it’s already going to be so hard for him.
As you scratch off a spare piece of dirt from the bag, you can’t believe it gets to stay with seungmin and you don’t. So silly.
you think back to that day again, it was july, early july, yes. You remember how your heart was practically jumping out of your throat as you saw him.
And it was Han who found out, it was one of the gatherings you all kept at the time, you planned it at yours this time, wanting to confess while cleaning up or when the rest of them are gone because it was almost always this way; they’d come over and have fun, watch movies but at the end of the day only your best friend would stick around to clean up or vice versa if it was at his. It often ended in a sleepover with you both being so tired that you’d fall asleep right about just anywhere.
Back to Han, he wanted a pen for your cousin, who was visiting at the time, to write down her number and he knew that being the nerd he was, seungmin would have a pen and paper with him. The movie was paused for a quick bathroom break for seungmin when your cousin had finally given into the han’s shameless flirting and had accepted to give her number. Han had discovered the acceptance letter then, perched between his books, not in an intention of hiding, almost as if he wanted it to be discovered.
A dark blue envelope with a huge “to, mr. kim seungmin” written in professional handwriting. And when seungmin came back, his friend looked at him with a small smile, clearly offended that his friend didn’t tell him, but he still got over that quickly and hugged him tight, he was so proud of him.
Meanwhile seungmin had looked to you, and while you knew seungmin had an interest in going abroad, you didn’t actually quite believe it till that moment. And you had comforted him, if that’s what made him happy then he should obviously go for it.
And he let out a sigh in relief.
But time had stopped for you, what was supposed to be something special had ended tragically and you felt pain sear through your heart slowly, taking over your body slowly.
But deep down you both knew that even though you told him that it was okay, it wasn’t quite the case. He could sense the disappointment you had in him in the next few days in the form of distance you gave him, the silent treatment.
They only stopped when he confronted you about it, and you apologised and confessed to him, who would like their best friend moving away?
To which he had told you it’d be okay, he’ll stay in touch and be back before you know it.
Thinking about him, he comes out of the bathroom with his hair moist and skin glossy. He’s, unfortunately, dressed, as the tshirt sticks to his obviously wet torso. You can almost see the wheels in his brain spinning as he makes sure he’s taken everything and has planned everything. As he looks at you, he shoots you a smile.
And it pains him more than anything in this world to do it, because he chose this, he shouldn’t be regretting it, he shouldn’t be hiding the fact that he isn’t happy, from you; but he doesn’t want you asking the reason behind it, because clearly he was very happy about his admission letter when it came in 2 months ago.
But it was before. It was before the realization that hit him on the head suddenly and caught him off guard that he’s in love with his best friend. And he thought it’d go away, he’d ignore it and that would be it. But as the days passed and the time he’d have to spend away from you came closer, he wished on every shooting star in the world for it to be cancelled, some unexpected thing to pop up, anything.
He can’t tell you this obviously, because as of now, it’s concrete he’s going and if you even reciprocate a proportion of his feelings, you’d be hurt and he did not want it.
past.
The screen had gone black, leaving the dark room in silence in its wake. And the credits began rolling on the screen. Some trashy ost plays in the background and as seungmin reaches for the remote on the table, a question lights up your brain.
‘what if he doesn’t feel the same?‘
You’re 14, and you don’t see a problem with being in love with your best friend except one, which might just be the downfall of the very feeling.
Oh wait, no, there’s another, 'what if he does feel the same, but you both don’t work out?’ that’d automatically be a crash for a great friendship.
And the movie which revolved around two best friends trying to navigate problems while being with each other and just ending up together gave you hope, you wouldn’t lie, but you also knew real life was nothing like a movie.
So you tried to get your answer slyly, lying on your back on the sofa of seungmin’s basement, you watched him as he wrapped up the stuff that was littered around, spare pieces of popcorn, wrappers from packets of chips, to get ready to sleep.
As he tried finding them all, you stretched your hand, and looked at the ceiling, and as nonchalantly as possible -
“Minnie, did you like the movie?”
“Uh huh,”
“The plot?”
“Kinda?” he said, still not looking up from his work.
“Do you think best friends can end up as lovers?” dropped the bomb.
“I-, well,” he looked up and you turned to him, the tension in the air was thicker than it had ever been.
“It depends on the person,” and for a moment you think, he might confess or if he doesn’t you have the urge to, but -
“And besides that was a movie, y/n, a movie.”
He knows, now, or has a hunch about what you were trying to tell him.
present.
Maybe if he had been a little more intelligent he would have realized it then and he wouldn’t be here in this ordeal.
And even though all of the articles he found on long distance relationships were positive, he didn’t wanna do that. It was too much longing.
So he was just going to have to leave and try to forget you, because in this case he can’t have you return his feelings. Just no, he doesn’t know how he can leave after that.
He glanced at you, trying to look around the room for things he could possibly need but have forgotten.
And goddamn is he in love with you.
The reality hits you once more as you’re taking the bags downstairs, he’s leaving, he’s taking all of your happiness with him, he’s taking away the bracelet you made him when you were 7 but you’re sure it’d be forgotten. He checks the time on his watch, “3:00 pm.” he announces, his flight is in 3 hours, and in 3 hours your relationship, your friendship will be a thing of the past.
present.
You don’t believe it’ll remain the same even after he promises you with a comforting smile everytime you bring it up.
His parents give you a sympathetic look as you shoot them a smile; it’s going to be fine, his mother had told you. “You can come visit when you miss him.” and you’d rather bite your own knee then visit this house where you spent most of your childhood and all of your teenage years without the boy who made it alive.
Seungmin sees you zoning out and it makes him wanna rip apart his admission letter, tear away the suitcases and stay here forever. But he takes one look at his watch which draws closer to his departure and recounts if he has everything for the umpteenth time.
And you wanted to break down all over again as you saw the bags piled over near the door where you’d run in together during summer hoping your popsicles don’t melt until you can slurp and look into the mirror and see the color on your tongues, secretly hoping what the two colours would look if mixed;
The original plan was for you to see him off at the house itself; but his parents urge you to come to the airport and you pick at your sweater, thinking of ways to stop your tears. And even Seungmin insists you tag along, he doesn’t even want to waste a minute of being with you.
and you bury your upset inside deeper; you need to keep your friend strong.
a few of your common friends drop by as his father loads the luggage in the back of his car; the sun is a pretty shade of orange mixed with pink, a little dull and depressed due to its defeat to the moon in a few hours.
you think about how you’ll keep on replaying this evening over and over again for nights to come. thinking about something you could have said to make the pain go away because feelings weigh down on you, threaten to crush you apart when you don’t let them out and that was exactly what was going on with the both of you.
Han, as he completed talking to his friend, walked over to you sitting on the porch, and took a seat there.
“are you okay?” he asks in a whisper. “i mean your best friend is going away,”
he emphasises his ‘best friend’ a little too much to be in a normal way and you narrow your eyes at him.
“fuck you,” you roll your eyes playfully and laughs as well. it was an unspoken thing between you two, he knew you liked seungmin but he kept his mouth shut and you knew that he did.
“but for real though,” his expressions transition to serious after he’s done laughing. “are you going to tell him or not?”
“no,” you deadpan.
“why? it’s so fucking obvious he likes you!” he groans.
“I don’t know, han. firstly i’m not even sure he likes me and second, even if he does, we’re not guaranteed to work long distance so it’s better if he finds someone else there and we’ll see it from there if or when he’s back.”
“you’re dumb.”
you shoot him a grin, “i know.”
later, you’re in the car, you’re going over something suitable to say, because the atmosphere is tense. his parents are getting as upset as you as their only son is about to leave.
and seungmin; seungmin feels like he could start bawling his eyes out anywhere, he didn’t want to leave his world, his home.
but it was his choice and now he had to own up to it.
And finally about two hours later, he’s glancing at his city, his parents and his world, all for the last time. He wants to turn back time and never ever write the essay that got him in here in the first place, but it’s impossible.
“We’ll go get some snacks for you?” His parents sense the need for privacy and excuse themselves. Meanwhile you try to not cry your very existence out.
“so,” he turns back. you’re on the boarding gate almost, after this, it can be almost a year when you see him again, and you //know//, you just know you both won’t be the same as now.
“I didn’t think you’d come actually,”
“to the airport?”
“to see me off, i know you’re not happy with my decision.”
And you don’t deny it; no more playful bantering.
“I mean we did plan to go to a college near us, but well things change and I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye.’’
and you hug your best friend.
you don’t want him to go, you want to confess to him, make him regret taking this decision. but as much as you loved him, he loved his dreams.
and as for you, seeing him content would be enough.
and so, after his parents return and his mother sniffles a little, he leaves.
he promises he’ll stay in touch, give you updates, a dorm tour, and you give him a day or two before he gets busy. and you don’t blame him, you accept it and you move on.
it is hard on the first night, you toss and turn, about to text seungmin to let him know you can’t sleep and to possibly sneak out and sit on the bench outside your house just staring up at the sky. but as you pick up your phone you realize that he’s not coming.
so it sucks but you hug your pillow and try to forget it. but ended up wetting with the constant flow of your tears.
you move on with your life, your classes, new friends, a whole new kind of life without your best friend.
but then his face turns into a small icon you see on instagram putting up stories of the new cafes he visits and the new people he meets.
and he contacts you first, a lot, updates you, facetimes you.
and soon, seungmin is just a ghost of your past.
SEUNGMIN SERIES RECS
⇨ ongoing | ✔ completed
Definitely Twice (sns AU) {23} ✔
Seungmin has had a crush on you ever since the sorting hat took forever to place you.@lvanter
Truth Untold (sns AU) {20} ✔
Y/n was continuously bullied and ran a blog dedicated to her thoughts. Little did she know a boy in her class was a daily reader. @serenhyunjinity
1-800-CUPID(sns AU) {15} ⇨
What are you supposed to do when your friend is secretly in love with someone, but too shy to act on it by themself? Play cupid, of course! Y/n is sure that getting involved in her best friend’s one sided love is the best route of action, even though she’s painfully clueless about love. But with a little help from her friends and some love of her own, maybe playing cupid won’t turn out such a huge disaster after all. @nakyngs
[main masterlist] [stray kids masterlist] updated 7-31-21
Description: Y/N is given two months to live. The one thing left on her bucket list? To get married.
Warning: cancer, death
Word Count: 2.1k
Pairing:fem!reader x Kim Seungmin
“We’re looking at two months.”
“Two months?” Seungmin repeats, squeezing your arm just a little tighter. “But it was just a cough!”
“I’m sorry,” the doctor consoles. He looks between the two of you and says, “I’ll give you some privacy” before walking out of the room.
You stare straight ahead, unsure what to do. Cancer. The word sounds so surreal. You never smoked or over-drank. You exercised and lived a healthy lifestyle, so how did this happen?
“Y/N…” Seungmin calls gently.
You turn your head towards him and smile. “Seungmin, I’ll be ok—”
“No, you won’t,” he cuts you off. “I’ve been your best friend for years. You can’t lie to me.”
You look down at your hands, twiddling your fingers. “Well, this certainly does suck, doesn’t it? I’m sorry I’ll be leaving you alone.”
“This isn’t about me,” he reminds you.
You return your gaze onto him. “It’s just easier when it’s not about me. Thinking about all the things I haven’t done and will never do— what’s the good in that?” You hear your voice breaking. “I’ll never own a home or collect my retirement funds. Heck, I’ll never even get married.” You laugh dryly. “You know how I’ve always wanted a family of my own.”
He nods. He knows this well. He remembers how you grew up jumping from foster home to foster home. He remembers how you’d come over to his house on Fridays whenever you ended back in his neighborhood and how you’d smile just a little bit more when his father came home and gave his mother a peck on the cheek. He remembers all the boys he had to scare off for you in college because you were so desperate, you couldn’t tell that they were toxic. You are so willing to love, yet life has been nothing but cold to you. And now it has decided to end it all in two months.
“Tomorrow…” he begins slowly, “after your discharge, let’s go to the mall and pick out some rings and a dress. There’s a little chapel on the boulevard. I think it’ll work.”
You blink at him. “But whom would I marry?”
He blinks back at you. “Me, of course.”
“Seungmin, I can’t ask for something as serious as this.”
“Let me do this for you. Please.” He takes your hands and looks you in the eyes. “Y/N, will you marry me?”
It was simple; there’s not much to be expected of a wedding planned in one afternoon after all. Still, it was sweet and more than you could have asked for. Seungmin bought you an elegant bouquet and picked you up in a Cadillac, all which you thought was a bit much to be spending on memories that will be buried in the ground in a few weeks. Nonetheless, it was beautiful and filled your chest with a warmth not unfamiliar to you whenever you are with Seungmin.
“I pronounce you man and wife,” announces the priest.
The few friends who managed to come on such short notice cheer and applaud as Seungmin leans over to kiss your cheek. When he straightens up again, there’s a smile on his face as he pulls something out of his pocket.
“Here,” he says, taking your hand and putting the object into it.
“What’s this?” You open your palm and see a set of silver keys on it.
“Access to your own home,” he answers. “We’re married now, so my house is yours too. Not sure what I can do about your retirement funds though.”
You don’t even catch the last part of what he says as you smile widely and engulf him in your arms.
“Thank you. Thank you so much,” you begin to cry.
After overcoming his initial shock, he too brings his arms around your waist. He knows you aren’t thanking him for the keys or even for marrying you; you are thanking him for loving you, for placing your interests before his and for being by your side up to the last moments.
“Thankyou,” he whispers back. “For letting me love you.”
For a month, you and Seungmin tried to keep normalcy as much as you could. You two went to work as usual and came home to watch a movie or bake cookies together. Sure, Seungmin would make flirtatious comments or randomly hug you from behind every once in a while, but otherwise, the only thing that changed is your living arrangement. As such, the two of you were almost surprised to receive a call from the hospital asking you to come back four weeks later. There’s a new treatment, the doctor informs you, and you might have a chance to survive.
“It has an 80% success rate in trials, and the surgeon who developed the technique will be flying in to perform the surgery personally.”
“And if it works?” you ask.
“Then you’ll live. Cancer free.”
Seungmin’s hand tightens around yours as he beams, leaning closer over the phone.
“But,” the doctor continues, “because of the positioning of your mass and the nature of this procedure, we will have to perform a laryngectomy.”
“So I won’t be able to talk again.”
“But you’ll live.”
You look at Seungmin, and he nods at you, his lips now pursed into a line.
“It’s your best option,” the doctor urges again.
You squeeze your eyes closed. “Okay. I’ll do it.”
You feel a thumb stroking the back of your hand and hear the doctor shuffling some paper around, assumably your consent form.
“You’re making the right decision,” the doctor assures you. “The specialist will be in on Friday, so we will need to check you in Thursday afternoon.”
Cancer didn’t change your life, but this certainly did. Suddenly, you and Seungmin both take an extended leave from your jobs and are thrown into a plethora of sign language curriculums. Between that and calling everyone you know one last time, you barely have time to eat, and if you weren’t living with Seungmin, you very well might have died of starvation before your cancer could kill you.
‘Dinner,’ he signs to you. Your last meal before having to fast for the surgery.
‘Thank you,’ you sign back.
He shakes his head and retracts the plate of bibimbap as you reach for it. “You should speak. At least for today. I want to hear your voice for as long as I can.”
“Alright,” you chuckle. “Thank you very much for the fine dinner, Kim Seungmin.”
He laughs along at your exaggerated sentence before replacing your KSL textbook with the plate and taking a seat beside you. ‘How are you feeling?’
“Okay. A little nervous, but at least now there’s hope, right?”
‘Yeah.’
You bite your lip. “Or it could go horribly wrong and I’ll lose the one month I have left.”
“Y/N,” he warns vocally.
“Sorry, sorry. I’ll stop.”
A silence falls over the room as you chew on your food.
“Seungmin.”
‘Yeah?’
“Do you want a divorce?”
You can hear his jaw hit the ground. “What the—”
“I mean, you agreed to a two-month marriage, but if I survive this—”
“When you survive this.”
“When I come out of the surgery, you’ll be stuck with me for the rest of your life.”
“I’d want nothing more,” he says firmly. “So don’t ever—unless you want to split?”
“I don’t. You’re my best friend.”
He nods. “Then don’t ever mention it again.”
You remember the moment you woke up. The first thought you had was that you’ve got to tell Seungmin. The second thought that crossed your mind came after your vision returned was ‘there he is.’ Asleep on his arms beside your bed, hand around yours, he almost looks like a real husband.
You remember the doctor walking in at that moment. He stumbled a little, surprised to see you awake. You raised a finger to your lips, bonking your nose with the oximeter in the process, and indicated towards the sleeping figure.
The doctor smiled and nodded. “Are you feeling alright?” he whispered.
You nodded, and he began your general checkup.
“The tumor’s all gone,” he informed you. “We’re going to keep you here for two more days, but otherwise, you’re going to live a nice, long life with your husband.”
That was a month ago. The month following the surgery has been rough to say the least. You and Seungmin are often frustrated, and although you both know deep down it isn’t with each other, you often take it out on each other. Communication is just so hard. Sure, the surgeon gave you prosthetic vocal cords, but even with them, it is so hard and takes so long to talk. Between that and your broken sign language, patience slowly became a scarce commodity. You aren’t feeling like you’re being heard, and Seungmin’s finding his efforts to understand you fruitless.
But communication isn’t the only problem, though it certainly exacerbates another one. You are in a weird position where you are his wife but also just a friend. You aren’t sure where you stand in his eyes nor what you can expect from him. Unmet expectations and chiding yourself for even having any is driving you to your wit’s end. It also doesn’t help that day by day, you grow less and less sure where he stands in your eyes either. You’re confused by the twinge in your stomach every time he brings you coffee in the morning and the pang in your heart when he lays down on his side of the bed at night, never crossing over to yours.
Today is one of those days. You want to return to work, but Seungmin is adamant that you have yet to fully recover. You feel guilty imposing on him financially so much, and he can’t understand why you won’t just rely on him.
“I’m your husband!” he argues.
‘Don’t you think I feel bad binding you to that responsibility?’ you sign back, in tears.
He stares at you after that, bewildered. A moment later, he drops his head so you can’t see his eyes and turns for the bedroom without another word.
You slump onto the kitchen chair furiously rubbing tears from your vision. You feel bad of course, but you are scared. Is he sick of you by now? He has to be. After all, you’ve been nothing but a frustration this past month. At least if you put food on the table, he would have one less reason to want to divorce you. Of course, you know Seungmin would never leave you, but he might silently wish he could, and that makes you feel even worse.
You sniffle, drawing your hand roughly across your eyes. In your split second of visual acuity, you see something glimmer under the light where Seungmin had stood. It catches your attention and upon closer inspection, you realize what it is: a tear. A tear? But why would it be there? Seungmin may feel responsible to support you, but you refusing his help shouldn’t undermine him to the point of tears. Unless, you realize, it isn’t the subject of the argument that made him cry.
You recall the last thing you expressed before he ran to the bedroom. You recall how he looked at you, hurt and confused. You’ve seen that look once a month ago when you suggested he divorce you. You thought he was offended by your questioning his loyalty as your best friend. In fact, you thought the same thing when he gave you that look again tonight, but Seungmin wouldn’t cry because of that. So then, what would explain the tear on the ground?
And then it hits you.
Suddenly, the things that confuse you become clear. Your frustration melts into understanding and you realize his intentions. At once, your tears dry and your heart feels light.
You immediately stand up. You practically run to the bedroom and find Seungmin already sitting among the sheets.
He looks up when he hears you enter. ‘Come to bed,’ he signs wearily. ‘We can discuss this again tomorrow.’ He goes back to arranging the blankets but looks up once more when he realizes you haven’t climbed in. “Y/N?”
You pull out your phone and walk over to his side of the mattress. He had you record yourself saying random things before you lost your voice, but there is one file he doesn’t know you recorded on your own.
“Y/N? What’s wrong?” he asks, perplexed by the sudden determination in your stride.
‘Kim Seungmin,’ you sign. You max the volume on your phone and press play. “I love you.”
~ ad.gold
