Your day was horrible. Not just horrible - it was the type of horrible that made you feel horrible about yourself. Your shoulders slumped, feet dragged, and eyes slowly rose from the ground to the lock of the door. Everything felt like it was in slow-motion. The keys jangled far too noisily, and you opened the door too hard, and you dropped your things too forcefully. Why was it so difficult for you to do things well today?
Somehow, you managed to close and lock the door, take off your shoes, and head into your bedroom. Your boyfriend, Felix, looked up from his game to watch you trudge across the room. “Hey babe. You feeling alright?” His deep voice was filled with concern, but you could only sigh in response. Felix paused his game, eyebrows furrowing as he watched you. Your hands weakly picked up a soft, oversized t-shirt and shorts from your closet. You could feel Felix’s gaze follow you all the way out the door. Only when you were safe behind the closed bathroom door did you let yourself break. You sniffed and let your tears freely fall while you changed.
When you were finished, you looked at yourself in the mirror above the sink, wiping at your cheeks and eyes. Felix would know you had cried. You sighed at your reflection in disappointment and slowly bent to pick up your discarded clothes that somehow ended up on the floor. Another inconvenience to add to your growing list of stressors.
When you found yourself back in the bedroom, Felix was laying on the bed staring at you with his warm eyes and loving, freckled face. You blinked at him in response, fingers twisting the fabric in your hands. Then he opened his arms, beckoning you to him. The clothes fell from your hands and you scrambled across the bed into Felix’s embrace. His hands wrapped around you, one hand on your lower back, slipping under your shirt to rub soothing circles into your skin, and the other on your head. His fingers threaded through your hair and massaged your scalp. Surrounded by Felix’s warmth, scent, and love, you broke again.
Your body shook with each sob. Felix drew you closer. He placed a sweet kiss to the top of your head and let you cry into his chest. After countless minutes of weeping, you finally went silent, throat tight and body exhausted. Your boyfriend looked down at you, moving so he could see your eyes. Your puffy eyes peered up at him, barely open. He gave you a smile. “Hello beautiful.” His lips kissed your forehead, then your cheek, and then they met your lips. You inhaled deeply, relishing in the feeling. His eyes met yours once more before he reached for the blanket, tangling your legs together and tucking your head beneath his chin.
☆ Chan is always working, he’s admitted before he doesn’t need a lot of sleep as he needs to do so many things within a day. He kept on telling you not to wait up for him but being stubborn you ignore that.
☆ so when he comes to your apartment after a long day and finds you fast asleep on the sofa cuddling a pillow with a random movie running in the background, his heart sinks. He feels a little responsible that you wait up for him despite it being your own decision.
☆ he doesn’t want to wake you up so he removes the pillow, slowly picks you up, and carries you towards the bedroom. He lays you down and starts his nightly routine. When he’s finished, he crawls in the bed next to you, holding you close to him. If you start to stir, he hold you extra tight right next to his heartbeat to coax you back to sleep. Being so close to you causes him to fall asleep almost instantly.
(Please let this boy sleep oml)
Lee know
☆ it never even crossed his mind that you’d do this until one day he came late from dance practise and found you on the sofa. Cuddled with blankets and a plushie that he won you and on one of your first dates. Thankfully you were asleep and didn’t have to see his blushed face (he would’ve been so embarrassed), he really appreciated that you stayed awake for him but he also didn’t want you to ruin your sleep schedule.
☆ he didn’t want to disturb you as you looked so peaceful. He couldn’t decide whether to lay with you, take you to bed, or leave you as you were already comfortable. After pondering for a bit, he decided to leave you alone.
☆ The next morning you woke up to the smell of breakfast throughout your apartment, you walked into the kitchen to find Minho cooking your favourite breakfast food. He just turned and smiled at you before serving the food out.
Felix
☆ I feel like Felix would do this too tbh, for example if you go out with friends, he either would ring you to make sure you’re home safe or wait in your apartment for when you get back. So when you do the same for him, his heart melts.
☆ after a long day with interviews, recording videos and taking pictures, all he wanted was to cuddle. He made his way to your apartment and showed himself inside. After setting down his coat + bag, he began walking around the apartment in search of you. He had text you to say he was coming over tonight which you responded “ok x”, so why weren’t you responding to his calls?
☆ he got his answer as he entered the living room and saw you laying on the sofa with your phone still encased in your grip. Cautiously, he removed the phone, grabbed a blanket and lay next to you. Both of you were in such proximity from falling off the small sofa which caused Felix to lay you on top of him instead whilst he lay down. He threw the blanket over you both and within a matter of minutes he was asleep too.
Summary: Remembering the old times when you were just a simple STAY was not the right choice
A/N: Y/F/N= your fanbase name
Since Bangchan’s VLive your group gained popularity because more STAYS couldn’t stop talking about Felix’s reaction to both your MV and connection with his leader. But as your fame growned thank to that little interaction so did haters. They would mostly attack you because “Oh My GoD sHe iS fRiEnD wItH bAnGcHaN” and other things that weren’t even close to reality.
-Y/N manager wants to know when you are up for a solo VLive.- asked your leader popping her head in your shared bedroom. It had been a while since you did a solo Live, it was since what happened during Chan’s, your staff asked you to avoid it for a while and then hateful comments started floding like no tomorrow and you were too scared to do a Live alone, now, is not like you care much about what people says about you, but you don’t want your group mates to be dragged into it.
-I don’t know, maybe tomorrow or next week. It really depends.- she gave you a stern look, she knew why you were being like this, the two of you would spend hours talking about the issue. -I just don’t want to read how of a…-
-ah ah. Take down your phone. I’ll tell her you want to do it tomorrow.- she interrupted you.
-But…-
-No, buts. I would be there, maybe I can ask the others to come as well so you are more comfortable.- you thanked her, thinking of how lucky you were to have such an amazing leader like her.
The next day you were ready to face Y/F/N and your haters as well but you were not anxious at all, not when your leader, roomate and best friend was there with you.
-Is this thing on?- you asked at the manager behind it. -is been like what? Two weeks and I forgot how this works. Hi Y/F/N sorry for not coming here lately but I was… busy.- you said and then checked the comment section.
-“Have you meet Felix yet?” it depends, as a STAY I did meet him once as Y/S/N not yet.- you answered, then, of course, everyone(well not everyone but you get me?) wanted to know since when you were a STAY and you answered since the survival show. -I swear, I cried my eyes out when Felix got eliminated and also when he came back. I almost threw my phone but then my mum would have killed me.- you said smiling at the memory.
-“Favourite SKZ bside”- you knew it was meant to expose you as a fake stan but you didn’t care much. -극과극(N/S) because its when I meet Stray Kids in my mum’s resturant.- you answered and then proceded to sang the song, just for fun, but also to make haters aware that you indeed were a STAY. After that comment your phone vibrated telling you someone had sent you a text messagge so you cheked it. It was Felix.
-Oh so Felix, hi oppa, is watching the Live and he texted me all in cap “SO IT WAS YOU” with multiples question marks, I think he rembered what happend that day.- reading the comments you laughed, it was funny how everyone wanted to know about that. -I don’t know if I can, like maybe Felix oppa doesn’t want you to know…- your attention was once again on your phone and you laughed again. -Nevermind, he gave me permission to tell you, so…- you took a deep breath. -Ok. So they were dancing and having fun just outside my mum’s resturant that day and I was just helping her around and doing my homework. At some point of the day they walked inside and my mum asked me to take their order, and I did it. Please don’t ask me how I survived, then Bangchan and Felix came to pay and me being stupid I went “ehy I really love your australian accent. Is very *with an austrial accent* nice” they smiled, payed and left. The thing is they did not spoke english that day so I guess they new I was a STAY but said nothing.- at the end of your story both the staff and your leader laughed at you, not being aware of this moment in your live.
-YAH don’t laugh, is not funny. They would tease me forever for this. Now…- you read some other comments, answering them or laughing or also giggling at how cheesy some F/N/B were being. After an hour you decided it was time to go, also because you had dance practice to attend. -It was nice coming back to talk to you my dear F/N/B see you next time.- you waved goodbye at the camera and turned off the app.
-See it wasn’t that hard, now. You really told them you love their accent?- you remembered how you also told them, out of the blue how you wanted to learn it but decided to keep it a secret for now. Your leader, staff, groupmates and ncitizens had already something to tease you now. Once in the dance practice room you meet the rest of the group which was already making fun of you.
-Oh, I love your australian accent oppa- mimicked the maknae and you wanted to slap her but the way she said that made you laugh.
-I hate you. Now can we practice or…- you asked and they stand up so fast you jumped for the little scare they gave you and before starting stretching you checked your phone to see if Bangchan texted you but found just a text from Felix that read: “If you still want to learn how to have an australian accent when speaking english, I’ll be happy to give you some lessons” you smiled and left your phone on the desk before joining the girls.
-Please take that stupid smile off your face, you look so in love.- one of the girls teased you.
-Ehy not my fault I’m living in a wattpad story.-you said making everyone laugh.
+ pairing: lee felix x female reader + genre: fluff, best friends!au, apple picking!au, non-idol!au + warnings: none + word count: 0.8k + requested as part of my Drabble Event #2 + summary: Apple picking was something you looked forward to every year. After all, you got to spend the day with your best friend and that made up for how tiring the task was. + lia’s note: Hello, I hope you’re doing well! This one is super cute, I had a good time writing it! Please, like/reblog this if you enjoy reading it and let me know your thoughts through an ask if you feel like it; I am always appreciative of your feedback! As always, happy reading!
You and Felix made your way through the apple trees, feeling the sweet scent every step of the way. Everyone around you was hard at work, completely focused on their task. It was no easy feat, but in the right company, it was certainly easier.
“It’s a beautiful day today, isn’t it?” Felix asked after putting down your empty container and looking up at the sky. The morning light pierced through the branches and greeted your skin softly. Thankfully, today the weather was nice and the soft breeze that blew kept the heat away.
“It’s a beautiful day indeed,” you said and fixed your hat, smiling at him. “Shall we get to work?”
“Of course!”
It didn’t take long for you and Felix to get fully absorbed in the task at hand. You carefully picked the apples from the tree, wiping them softly before placing them in the container. Every once in a while, the two of you would reach out for the same apple and when your hands met, you’d let out a soft giggle and spend a good minute trying to figure out who would pick the chosen apple.
“Go ahead,” you said as you gestured to the apple.
“No,you go ahead.”
More often than not, you’d be the one picking the apple while Felix moved to another tree or another apple to keep your flow of work uninterrupted. The two of you chatted about the most random things as you did this, occasionally breaking into a song whenever silence became boring.
Despite how tiring today would be, you loved doing it with Felix. It was a small tradition you had ever since you were children. Your parents tended to bring you with them and, instead of helping around the fruit farm, you’d run and hide behind trees, sometimes stealing apples and eating them right away in secret.
This place had seen the two of you grow up and no matter how apart you were or what was going on with your lives, you always knew that this was something that you’d never skip. And so, year after year, the two of you kept coming back to pick up apples together and spend a wonderful day in each other’s company.
“So…” He said as the two of you moved away from the trees, carrying the heavy container towards the small carrier nearby. “How many apples do you think we’ll catch this year? Think we’ll beat last year’s record?”
This was another part of your tradition, trying to outdo your previous record. It gave you no prize or award to catch more apples, but the pride and joy the two of you felt were worth it. Besides, the one that failed to guess the number of apples you picked together had to pay for dinner. And for two years in a row, it had been Felix’s turn.
“I think we’ll break the record but I won’t say by how much just yet.” Felix rolled his eyes and you let out a soft chuckle gesturing with your head to the carrier in front of you. “Shall we place the container there on three?” Felix nodded. “One, two, and…”
The two of you placed the container on the carrier with some effort and afterwards, you wiped your hands on your jeans, glancing around to see which area you should tackle next.
“Do you want to rest for a bit? What about we lay under some trees for a while?”
“Do you think they’d be ok with that?” You scanned the crowd, noticing everyone hard at work.
“It’s not like we haven’t done it before.” He reached his hand for yours. “Come on, let’s hide for a bit.”
As much as you wanted to say no to him, you didn’t want to skip out on the fun. This only happened once a year and being a little mischievous was also part of the tradition.
You grabbed Felix’s hand and it didn’t take long before the two of you started to move away from the crowd of people and disappeared in between the apple trees to where no one would find you for a while.
After walking for a bit, Felix and you sat side by side under a tree and you took a deep breath, closing your eyes. His arm wrapped around your shoulders and he pulled you closer to him, making you smile. This time, when the silence took over, instead of trying to fill it, you embraced it.
This was wonderful and peaceful.
“We’ll do this again next year?” Felix asked in a low voice and you nodded, looking at him.
“We have to. It’s almost like our personal New Year’s day.”
He hummed and sighed, resting his head on your shoulder. This was your favourite day of the year. Apple picking with your best friend. You laughed with him, you rolled your eyes at him, and you listened to him as well.
It was a small celebration of your friendship, one you looked forward to every year because spending time with Felix was one of the things you enjoyed the most in this world.
this is a fic i had been working on for a while before my uh,,,ahem, relapse, so I never got to publishing it. it’s still not done and i don’t know when exactly it will be, so i thought i’d give a lil sneak peek just for funsies until it is to be published in its entirety. nonetheless. have fun reading. i miss you guys. not sure when i’ll be back quite yet, but i love you all <3
“What about now?” you asked. “Still want to eat me?”
“Yes.”
Biting your lip, you nodded. “Let me rephrase: will you eat me?”
He smirked. “Maybe.”
Sighing in relief, you let out a quiet laugh. “Well that’s good, I suppose. I’ll just keep in mind not to get into the water then.” Though you had no intention of ever doing that to begin with.
Silence washed over you like the waves that surrounded you, leaving you feeling unsure and only slightly unsettled. Yet you wouldn’t say it was entirelyuncomfortable.
You couldn’t stop staring at them. No matter how hard you tried to avert your attention, you were just too mesmerized by the way his lips moved as he sung softly to himself. You felt your cheeks heat at the embarrassment of being caught staring at him but you couldn’t find yourself caring.
His lips were just so damnperfect.
Without thinking, you leaned forward, capturing them in a kiss that pulled Chan’s attention from his laptop, quickly sliding the headphones off of his head.
“W-What was that for,” he sputtered as when you pulled back, blushing furiously at the sudden affection.
You didn’t say anything as you leaned back in. You pressed soft kisses so his cupids bow, giggling softly as he pulled you closer to him. You continued to trail your lips across his as he happily welcomed your little kisses. When you pulled back to look at him you you couldn’t help but to let out a sigh at how pretty he was, bare faced, cheeks a light shade of pink and those beautiful lips even more plush than before from your consistent attack on his lips.
You gently ran your thumb against the skin of his cheek, taking in every inch of his beauty.
“You’re so pretty,” you whispered, leaning in to press a kiss against his nose.
Chan knew better than to argue with you, instead opting to pull you closer to him as he uttered those three words you never got tired of hearing against your lips. Let’s just say that the two of you didn’t do anything productive the rest of the night, favoring instead to stay in each others embrace as got lost in the feeling of one another’s lips.
You don’t remember how you ended up here but you weren’t going to complain. The breeze caressed your bare legs, eyes falling closed as you listened to the rustling of the leaves and the distant chirps of the birds that had occupied the small park in search for food.
The tears had stopped awhile ago, however the sharp sting of them was still ever so present. You pulled your knees to your chest, hugging them close to you in search of some form of comfort as your wrapped your arms around your shoulders.
The events from today hadn’t stopped plaguing your mind. You were hurt, lost and confused to say the least. Hyunjin’s actions in the pool had contrasted with the concerned look your were met with before running away.
Maybe you had looked into it a little too much.
Your insecurities always did seem to get the better of you. But right now, all you could picture was the way his smile had dropped when he looked at you. You shook your head, willing the tears away as you didn’t want to cry anymore, head still thumping from your previous outburst.
“Y/n!”
The sudden shout of your name had you startling out of your thoughts, eyes widening as you turned to the source.
Hyunjin practically collapsed next to you on the bench, heaving as he hunched over to catch his breath. You stared wide eyed at his form, confused as to why he was even looking for you in the first place.
“Do—Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been,” he forced out in-between breaths.
You just looked at him. The words had caught in your throat, unknowing of what to say to him. You watched as he closed his eyes, taking a deep final breath before turning to you.
“You were looking for me?”
He looked taken back as he scooted his body towards you, “Of course I was looking for you! You’ve had me worried sick. Why wouldn’t I look for you?”
“You seemed like you didn’t want me around before—” you trailed off, cursing as you felt the tears cloud your vision once more.
“Why would you think that? Of course I wanted you around. I always want you to be with me.”
“Hyun you couldn’t even l-look at me.”
His eyes widened as your voice broke, watching silently as the tears began to fall from your eyes.
“I-I know I embarrassed you and I’m sorry—.”
“Embarrassed? What—Y/n you’ve never embarrassed me.”
“Please don’t lie to me.”
Hyunjin looked just as heartbroken as he met your gaze, his own eyes filling with tears as he released a shaky breath.
“I know I-I’m not attractive but Hyunjin the minute I got in the pool—I don’t know I just felt like your were disgusted seeing me like that.”
His eyes widened as he watched you wipe your tears before trying to move yourself away from him. However, he caught your arm before you could.
“God no that’s not it at all! I’m sorry I just— this is going to be embarrassing for me to admit,” he blinked the tears out of his eyes before turning his gaze back towards you.
“I’m sorry that I made you feel less about yourself. That was never my intention and I want you to know that I’ve never been, nor will I ever be embarrassed of you.”
You noticed that he hesitated, eyes flickering around the two of you before turning his attention back on you.
“This is going to sound like such a perve thing to say but Y/n you have no idea the power you hold over me with your clothes on and seeing you in that swimsuit it took everything in me not to take you right then and there in front of everyone.”
Your eyes widened at the sudden confession.
“W-What,” you sputtered, earning a small groan from Hyunjin.
“I know and I’m sorry but you have no idea how good you looked and it took everything in me not to touch you. That’s why I couldn’t look at you because I knew if I did I would embarrass myself,” he whined as his face fell into his hands.
You let out a soft laugh at his muffled ‘but admitting that is embarrassing too idiot,’ before reaching up to run your fingers gently through his hair.
Hyunjin dropped his hands from his face at your touch, gently grasping your wrist as he pulled you closer to him, smiling at you before leaning forward to rest his forehead against yours.
“I’m sorry I was such an ass. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel insecure. God you have no idea what you do to me angel. I love every part of you.”
You hummed, eyes fluttering open as you pulled back to fix him with a playful glare.
“But you haven’t seen all of me yet though,” you teased.
Hyunjin smirked, biting his lip as he pulled you closer to him by your waist, “We can fix that.”
genre:angst au: non-idol au, vaguely historical au, doctor au? warnings: descriptions of gore, lobotomy, back alley medical procedures, implications of mental illness word count: 0.7k pairing: gn!reader x lee felix song:maniac by stray kids
“Do you hear them?” you hiss. You grip the armrests of your chair and furtively look around the room for the ghosts. All you can make out are blurry shadows along the walls, but those appear to be from the furniture in the room rather than ghosts. You learned how to tell the difference after they tricked you the first few times. You have never been able to see them before, but maybe they will finally show themselves to Doctor Lee Felix. He is worthy, isn’t he? He’s a renowned doctor, and they promised to leave you alone if you brought someone worthy. “Can you see them?”
Doctor Lee leans forward, folds his hands together, and gives you a pleasant smile. “Who?”
The grandmother, with her gnarled fingers and heavy rings, strokes your hair, clawing your scalp and grabbing fistfuls. You scream and whirl around to hit her, but you only make contact with the air. You grab randomly, hoping that you can curl her pearl necklace around your palms and control her like a puppy on a leash.
You cannot, and she laughs. She orders you to kill him. Pluck his eyes out, and give them to me. She promises you honey-sweet tangerines and your favorite sausages.
“No!” you shout. You bury your heads between your knees as you try to stop her from touching your hair again. “Go away!”
“Are you alright?”
Before you can answer, a childhood lullaby fills your ears, even though your ears are muffled with cotton. They’re always loud enough that they can get past your defenses. The little girl sings, her notes crooked and ugly just like a crow’s screech, for you to reach inside Doctor Lee’s chest and hold his heart. Feel his heartbeat in your hands. Watch the blood pump and spill down. Frightfully, you glance up at the doctor who is still patiently waiting for his answer. He asks you again.
You can’t hurt him, so you furiously shake your head. “Make them go away! They won’t stop!” You jerk forward to avoid the grandmother’s grasp and land so close to Doctor Lee that you can see the freckles dotting his cheeks. They look like little stars. “I don’t want to kill you.”
His smile falters for a second, but his mouth curves up again. “Do people ever tell you that you have a few loose screws?”
Your mother, your father. The man who sweeps the grocery store floor and the teenaged boy who lives across the street. “Yes, all the time. Why?”
“Well,” he says as he picks up the drill beside him, “it’s not just a figure of speech. I can fix you, if you’d like.”
Fix you. Like you’re a torn doll who simply needs some stitches to go back to normal. For a few seconds, you can ignore the jeering from the ghosts. “Can you really?”
“Of course. I’ve done it many times before. It’s my specialty.”
You hold his hand in yours. His skin is warm and soft, unlike yours which have been roughened from years of battle with the ghosts. Knives don’t work on them, nor wooden clubs, but that never stops you from trying to get rid of them. “Please. I’ll do anything.”
“Wonderful.”
A week later, you find yourself lying on a medical bed, staring up at a bright light. The grandmother has returned, and she screams from wherever she is for you to lash out, to scratch crimson red lines down the faces of those hovering around you. A crowd of curious onlookers have gathered to watch Doctor Lee perform a miracle on you. She won’t stop screaming. She wants you to take their eyes so she can have them for herself.
“Please hurry,” you whisper to Doctor Lee. He is dressed in a white lab coat today, and the little girl sings of how handsome he will look when his ribs are cracked open to reveal a pulsing heart. “They’re back, and they want me to hurt you, but I don’t want to.”
He places a calming hand on your forehead. “Close your eyes.”
You do.
When you finally wake up, the ghosts are gone along with a piece of your skull and brain.
stray kids 4.6k words female reader insert Reader x Lee Felix SFW
warnings: realistic idol!au, questionable power dynamics, idol/fan interactions, unresolved tension, deep/mature themes, the slowest of slow burns, felix is truly whipped and reader is…
felix lee: i’m running rlly late :c felix lee: can you pls just come to the dorm felix lee: manager wants me to talk to the dior guy myself i will b so late
stray kids 4.6k words female reader insert Reader x Lee Felix SFW
warnings: realistic idol!au, questionable power dynamics, idol/fan interactions, unresolved tension, deep/mature themes, the slowest of slow burns, felix is truly whipped and reader is…
felix lee: i’m running rlly late :c felix lee: can you pls just come to the dorm felix lee: manager wants me to talk to the dior guy myself i will b so late
stray kids 4.6k words female reader insert Reader x Lee Felix SFW
warnings: realistic idol!au, questionable power dynamics, idol/fan interactions, unresolved tension, deep/mature themes, the slowest of slow burns, felix is truly whipped and reader is…
felix lee: i’m running rlly late :c felix lee: can you pls just come to the dorm felix lee: manager wants me to talk to the dior guy myself i will b so late
stray kids 4.6k words female reader insert Reader x Lee Felix SFW
warnings: realistic idol!au, questionable power dynamics, idol/fan interactions, unresolved tension, deep/mature themes, the slowest of slow burns, felix is truly whipped and reader is…
felix lee: i’m running rlly late :c felix lee: can you pls just come to the dorm felix lee: manager wants me to talk to the dior guy myself i will b so late
Warnings: tooth-rotting fluff, probably some typos idk
Summary: Felix finds out why you’re always so sleepy around him
a/n: a short blurb to hopefully help you sleep <3
Felix smiles down at you, eyes scanning over your sleeping figure with nothing but fondness. You’d had a rough week and had come over to spend the weekend with him and the rest of the members at the dorm at his invitation. As usual, the nine of you had ordered slightly too much take-out and binged slightly too many episodes of the show you were all watching together.
That was half an hour ago - after talking for a bit, you’d left your spot on the floor in favor of curling against your boyfriend’s side, letting your head tip onto his shoulder and your eyes fall closed. You’d drifted off to sleep after a bit, and Felix couldn’t help but let his mind drift to the other times you’d let yourself fall asleep around him. On the bus, on your couch after a long day, in practice rooms after staying up with him to give feedback on routines. He loved it, of course, but it did leave him wondering - why were you so often sleepy around him?
He turns to Hyunjin, who sits on the other side of the sofa, and outright asks him, watching his volume level to preserve your slumber. His friend tilts his head in thought for a moment, then nods.
“I saw something online that said if you feel safe around someone, your body lets you be tired around them - lets you fall asleep quickly. It’s probably that,” he answers with a shrug, getting up to go help Changbin with the dishes, leaving Felix a speechless, melting mess.
Your boyfriend stares down at you again, warmth exploding in his chest. You felt safe around him? The thought brings a smile to his lips, which he presses to your forehead in a feather-light kiss, wrapping an arm around you when you press closer to him.
He freezes. Your breath catches in your throat as he turns to face you once more, eyes wide.
“What?”
“I know it’s too late,” you admit, sighing. He shakes his head slowly. “But if you could just forgive me- no, you don’t have to do that, you don’t need to, but I’m not going to let you slip away this easily, I-” your words die in your throat as he quickly closes the gap between the two of you, takes your face in his hands, and presses his lips to yours.
You melt into his arms as they circle around you, pulling you to him with a firmness that, if it were from anyone else, would scare you. But this is Chris. This is comfortable, this is familiar. This is him.
“I love you,” he murmurs when the two of you pull apart, faces remaining centimeters apart. He runs a hand over your hair. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’m so sorry.” You start to cry in earnest, tears soaking the front of his shirt as you bury your face in his chest. He doesn’t say anything, just holds you to him with a tenderness that makes you sob even harder. “I’m so sorry,” he repeats, rocking the two of you slowly back and forth.
He hums quietly, something he used to do over the phone when you couldn’t sleep. It’s a song you recognize, an old one from when you were kids. His mom used to sing it while she cleaned the kitchen, the two of you sat at the kitchen table doing math homework or drawing.
When you finally step back a few inches, he takes one of your hands, giving it a reassuring squeeze. You smile at him, biting the inside of your cheek.
“Can I kiss you again?” you ask tentatively, and he smiles, tilting your head up with his right thumb and forefinger. You fit your lips to his, cheeks ablaze. You take it slow, letting yourself let go of any residual worries. His breath is warm as it mingles with yours, and his lips are slightly chapped, but not rough. You bring a hand up and rest it on the side of his face, smiling against his lips as he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you to him again.
You hiss in pain as his sleeve scratches against the cut on your neck. He pulls away, concerned.
“What’s wrong?” His eyes widen when you lift a hand to the abrasion, and a couple of your fingers come back dotted with red. “Fuck, did I do that?” he asks, going to check his hands. You shake your head, sighing at yourself.
“No, it’s from earlier. I thought I got it to stop bleeding, I guess I was wrong.” When the panic on his face doesn’t go away, you lay a hand on his arm. “I’m fine, my necklace just got caught on my shirt and it cut my neck a little. I’m okay.” He nods.
“You should put something on it,” he stresses.
“You sound like my mom,” you complain as you head inside, nodding for him to come in behind you. He shuts the door behind him, laughing quietly as he follows you to the bathroom.
He nods for you to sit on the edge of the tub, pulling the first aid kit down from the shelf above the sink. You take a seat, watching as he takes out some Neosporin and a band-aid.
You scoot over so he has room to sit next to you, shivering as he pulls down the collar of your shirt and carefully cleans and covers the angry red stripe across your neck, gentle fingers ghosting over your skin.
“Thanks,” you say as he returns the first aid kit to its spot next to a jar filled with toothbrushes. He nods.
“Be careful, okay? That could’ve been worse if it was deeper.” You nod, taking the hand he offers to help you up. You stumble forward, cheeks burning as he easily catches you, your faces a breath away.
“Hi,” you say, grinning. He laughs as you regain your balance and stand up. “I know it’s, like, 3 am, but I’m not tired at all. Do you want some hot chocolate?”
“Always,” he answers, and you grin.
About a minute later, you’re standing in the kitchen, perched on your tiptoes, reaching up to grab a couple of mugs from a cabinet. Chan reaches over you, procuring the cups and placing them down in front of you.
“We get it, you had a growth spurt,” you grumble, and he laughs, wrapping his arms around you from behind for a moment before letting you go so you can make the drinks.
“Can you fill up the kettle?” you ask, and he nods, picking it up and taking it over to the sink, turning on the tap and letting the water pour into it. He hands it back to you with a smile, and you put it on the stove, turning on the burner and leaning back against the counter as you wait for the water to boil.
“So,” Chan says, standing next to you. “We should probably talk.”
“Yeah,” you agree, nodding.
“So, do you want to…” he trails off, motioning between the two of you. You nod, smiling softly at him.
“I do. I really do,” you say earnestly. “I’m not going to pretend like I’m not terrified, but I want to try.”
“What of?” he asks, and you sigh, using your palms to hoist yourself up to sit on the counter. You lean over to check the kettle before looking back at him.
“The stuff I mentioned earlier, I guess. Just things not working out.”
“You have nothing to worry about, I promise,” he reassures you, shaking his head. You open your mouth in protest, but he shakes his head again. “Even if we can’t make it work this way anymore, you’ll still be my best friend, okay? That’s never going to change,” he says, coming to stand in front of you, taking your hands in his and holding them up between the two of you, interlocking your fingers. “I’m not going anywhere. Ever.”
“Okay,” you breathe. “I won’t either.” He smiles, moving your hands from between the two of you to press his lips to your forehead. He pulls back, meeting your eyes.
“We’re good?”
“We’re good,” you say quietly, nodding. You hold out your arms, and he smiles, wrapping his around you, picking you up off the counter, and setting you down on the floor to properly hug you. You bury your face in the crook of his neck, breathing him in. He pulls you impossibly close to him, clutching at the back of your sweater like he’s afraid you’ll disappear into thin air. “You’re going to be the death of me,” you breathe, and he laughs. You smile at the sound.
“I would hope not, I really want to drink that hot chocolate.”
The two of you stay up for another hour or so, sitting on the kitchen floor, sipping your hot cocoa, and talking about what to do next.
“I’d prefer if we didn’t tell the members for a bit,” Chan says, grimacing. You tilt your head.
“Why not?”
“They’ll tease both of us mercilessly.”
“Fair point. We can wait a bit on that one,” you laugh, nodding. Chris smiles softly as he watches the corners of your eyes crinkle with laughter. He’ll never get tired of the sight.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says, making your stomach do somersaults. You set your mug down as he laughs at how flustered you are. “I’ve complimented you before, haven’t I?”
“It’s different,” you whine, burying your face in the crook of his neck. He just laughs softly, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you to him. “Chris,” you say, voice comically muffled by his sweatshirt. “I’m really tired.” As if on cue, he yawns.
“I think you might be psychic,” he teases.
“Can you spend the night?” you ask tentatively, sitting back. “I don’t feel good about you driving back this late. Also, I don’t want you to leave.”
“Sure,” he says, lifting a hand to your face and gently brushing his thumb over your cheek. “I can stay.”
“Yay,” you cheer quietly as you stand up, making him laugh. You grab the mugs the two of you used and quickly hand wash them in the sink as Chan puts away the hot chocolate mix and says hi to Bella.
When you’re done, the two of you make your way down the hall to your room, leaning on each other for support. You hadn’t quite realized how tired you were earlier, but as the adrenaline from the earlier events of tonight and the small traces of caffeine in the chocolate wear off, your exhaustion smacks you in the face. Chan’s visibly in the same predicament, barely able to keep his eyes open.
You switch on your lamp, the bulbs illuminating your room as you rummage through your closet for PJ shorts and a t-shirt. You quickly change into them as he washes his face in the bathroom.
Bella comes trotting in as he enters, and you scratch her ears as she curls up on her bed in the corner of your room. Chan flops face-first onto the mattress, star-fishing across the blankets. You laugh, shoving him over to one half and then climbing under the covers. He does the same, yawning.
“C’mere,” he says, and you laugh as he pulls you into his arms, wrapping them securely around you.
“Wait, I forgot something,” you say, leaning your head back. He tilts his head, confused.
“What did you-” you press your lips to his, and you can feel his cheeks warm.
“I’m glad you remembered,” he says as you lay your head back down, and you laugh softly.
“Hey, Chris?” you say after a while, pressing yourself closer to him.
“Hm?”
“Thank you. For not giving up on me. I’m sorry for not telling you how I was feeling about everything earlier.” You feel him smile as he tucks your head into the spot between his chin and chest.
“I don’t think I’m capable of giving up on you,” he says.
You drift off to the sound of his quiet breathing and the comforting weight of his arms around you, dreaming of sunny afternoons from years past and warm laughter that echoes through your head like a melody.
Chan lies awake until he’s sure you’re asleep, smiling when your breaths even out, the hand you’ve intertwined with one of his going limp. He knows you’ve been having trouble getting to sleep - what with finals having just ended and not knowing how you did yet, along with everything else, you’ve told him how hard it is for you to get enough rest as of late. He’s glad you’re able to get some now.
He mulls everything over as you slumber beside him, unable to tear his eyes away from your sleep-softened features. He isn’t sure that any of this is real, unable to believe that the person in his arms is finally his. After all these years, you’re his.
Andgod, is he yours. He has been since the day he met you. Yours. Always.
“You don’t have to talk to me, but I’m not giving up on you.“
a/n: sorry this update took so long! i’ve been burnt out bc of how difficult school’s been lately and it’s been hard to find writing time. tysm for being patient <3
You lay in bed for hours, nervously fidgeting with your necklace, moving the ring back and forth along the chain, fingers turning raw. The sound of Bella barking at a car pulling up across the street startles you, and you turn quickly, your necklace slicing the back of your neck.
“Shit,” you breathe, wincing. You quickly bring a hand up to check the cut, sighing when it comes away dotted with red.
You trudge to the bathroom, switching on the light. It flickers sporadically, spelling out a message you don’t care to decipher. Dampening a washcloth and pressing it against the back of your neck, you lean back against the counter, staring up at the ceiling. What a night, you think to yourself, letting out a bitter laugh.
Once the bleeding seems to stop, you retreat to your bedroom, thoughts consuming you again. You mull over what you’d said to him, knowing it wasn’t fair to either of you. It wasn’t fair of you to not try, preferring to lose him completely without even taking a risk.
He was stupid.
He was so fucking stupid.
Chan repeats the word over and over in his head as he sits upright in bed, unable to move.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
He’d said he wanted to forget everything. Forget you. He’d practically done everything but pack your bags and send you on the next flight to New York.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Sighing, he toys with the ring on his finger, a knot tying itself in his throat.
He eventually pries himself out of bed, fumbling to the bathroom in the dark and turning on the water.
Steam billows up from the showerhead as he steps inside, letting the water soak his hair and skin. He rubs his hands with his face, ring catching on his nose and leaving a small scratch in its path.
He sighs, angrily wrenching it off and watching as it slips through his fingers. It falls to the slick tiled floor of the shower with an echoed ping. He quickly picks it up, clasping it in his hand with a shaky breath.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
He turns off the water, stepping out of the shower and drying off with a towel as he slips back into his room and pulls on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. He quickly discards it as he realizes it’s the one you’d borrowed a few nights previous, opting for the one he’d worn earlier today.
He sits down on the edge of his bed, opening his still-closed fist to reveal the slim metal band that rests on his palm. He sets it on the mattress next to him, burying the heels of his palms in his eyes, blocking out the pale moonlight filtering through the blinds.
Muffled sobs shake his shoulders as he doubles over, the words the both of you had spat at each other on the beach replaying over and over in his head.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
He isn’t sure how long he stays like that, but by the time he sits up, a knot has twisted itself in his neck. He checks his watch. 1:47. Sighing, he stands, grabs his keys from his dresser, and heads for the hallway. He pauses in the doorframe before turning back to grab the ring sitting on the comforter and then goes downstairs.
He grabs his shoes, pulling them on then quietly slipping outside, closing the door behind him.
He drives and drives and drives, not sure where he’s going.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
He berates himself silently as he turns down street after street, repeating the words in his head even louder when he realizes where he’s ended up.
He hops out of the car, closing the door behind him with a thud and making his way down the path into the park, letting his legs carry him to wherever they’re going. The fuck if he knows.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Moonlight ripples like silver foam across the pond, its dim rays washing the surrounding foliage in a cold, pale glow. Chan sits down on a bench by the water, pulling his legs up and crossing them under him with a sigh. He glances over to the spot you’d occupied just days ago, when none of this was as complicated as it was now, when he hadn’t ruined everything.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
He stands with a shudder as he battles with the idea developing in his head. It’s idiotic, he tells himself as he walks back. Far beyond it, in fact.
He gets into the car, putting the key into the ignition and pulling out onto the street, hands shaking as he grips the steering wheel.
If you’re awake, you might as well pack. You leave in a couple of days, and your suitcase is still a jumble of worn clothes and recently purchased books and other various items from your outing with everyone earlier today.
Sighing, you grab an extra hamper from your closet, fill it with your laundry, and take it to the mudroom, tossing the used clothes into the wash and turning on the machine before heading back to your room.
You tetris all of your books into a cardboard box, making a mental note to print out a shipping label tomorrow morning - you’ll have to mail them to your dorm, they won’t fit in your luggage. You frown as you realize that means you won’t be able to read them for a few weeks.
You hear a series of muffled sounds from the direction of the living room, passing it off as Bella knocking over the bucket of her toys in the dark. You continue folding shirts and jeans, placing them into your suitcase neatly.
The sounds repeat, and this time you realize they’re knocks - someone’s at the door.
Who the fuck is even awake right now? you think to yourself as you pad into the living room, sidestepping the folded clothes and boxes on your floor.
You open the door a sliver, eyes widening as you realize who’s standing on your porch.
“Chris…?” you manage to breathe out.
“Hey,” he says, swallowing nervously.
“What are you-” you sigh, shaking your head. “It’s two in the morning. What are you doing here?”
“I was stupid. I was so fucking stupid, Y/n, I-” he takes a deep, shuddering breath as he forces himself to meet your eyes, the familiarity in them no longer comforting. “If I could take it all back, I would. I didn’t mean what I said, I-”
“You said it, though,” you say, voice wavering.
“Y/n…”
“I can’t talk to you right now, I’m sorry,” you say, voice breaking as you shake your head and step back over the threshold.
His words die in his throat as you shut the door in his face, tears stinging his waterline.
“I’m not leaving,” he says, shaking his head firmly as he watches the shadow of your form freeze behind the frosted glass. “You don’t have to talk to me, but I’m not giving up on you.“
You pull the door open again, salty tears pricking the corners of your eyes. “I was perfectly happy to go back to being just friends,” you choke out. “But I think you made it pretty clear you don’t want to do that. I’m not going to force you to do something you don’t want to.” You sigh, shaking your head. “I loved you, Chris,” you force out, biting back more tears that threaten to spill down your cheeks. His face crumples. “I really, really loved you. I still do if I’m being honest with myself. But I can’t- I can’t keep letting us do this,” you say, motioning between the two of you.
“Y/n, I l-”
“No,” you cut him off, shaking your head. “Please don’t.“ Your vision blurs as more tears bead in your eyes. You sigh, blinking furiously as you look away briefly. “You were the only person in the world that made me feel safe. Made me feel at home. Even if that home looked different from time to time, even if we both thought it would have different implications at some point. But I realized that waiting for you, waiting for us, wasn’t something I could do. I was scared, okay? I was scared.” your voice breaks as you admit it. You pretend to not notice the tears starting to trickle down his face, akin to your own. “I know that’s stupid, but I was. I was terrified that I would lose you if we couldn’t make it work, or that you’d meet someone else - someone better. That they’d make you’d realize that waiting for me wasn’t- wasn’t worth it.”
Chan freezes, brows knitting together as you finally step out onto the porch to stand a few feet from him, letting the door shut behind you.
“Y/n,” he breathes. You shake your head, turning away from him, but you make no move to stop him, so he keeps going. “I didn’t mean what I said. That doesn’t make it okay, but…you deserve to know that it wasn’t true. And you also deserve to know that-” he takes a deep breath. “-that there couldn’t be anyone better than you. Ever.” You turn your head slowly, eyes softening. “If you need to let go, I understand. I won’t try to stop you. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you did, nobody deserves that, especially you. I’ll- I’ll get going.” He glances away for a moment, looking out at the neighborhood. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly, turning to leave.
“Chris, wait,” you say shakily. He looks back at you for a moment. You shake your head slowly, biting the inside of your cheek.
Deep down, you’ve always known that he’s part of you. He knows everything about you, and he’s never shied away from any of it. He’s never hesitated to let you know how much he cares about you.
He’s your best friend.
You won’t let yourself sabotage this like you usually do with things that matter to you. You’ve lost too many relationships like this. You’re sick of it. You’re sick of yourself.
But somehow, he isn’t. He isn’t sick of you. He’s always there when you need him. He’s always by your side. And that’s what you need right now.
