#so many feelings

puncake-productions:

kaleidoscope-of-thoughts:

Feels like I haven’t written in a while, so here’s a gift of almost 500 words :)

The carriage bumped and jerked over the cobblestone road, jostling the two passengers inside. The horses were being pushed to the limit to get back to the palace before it was too late.

Whumpee was curled up in Caretaker’s arms, pale and almost lifeless. Their breaths were shallow and their body was burning while simultaneously shivering so much you could hear their teeth chatter. 

“It’s okay, we’re gonna get you home and fix you up,” Caretaker whispered to Whumpee, even though they knew they couldn’t hear them right now.

“This is all my fault, I shouldn’t have let them out of my sight, none of this would have happened,” Caretaker thought while internally kicking themself. The drink had looked so innocuous, not even a strange colour or smell. Whumpee discovered that it was anything but when about five minutes after they had their first sip they collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Caretaker had scooped them up and immediately ran outside to the carriage that was waiting for them.

Now, leaned up against Caretaker, Whumpee moaned and subtly shifted closer to the warm body, their eyes moving rapidly behind closed lids.

“Shh, shh, it’ll be okay,” Caretaker choked out and placed their left hand on the side of Whumpee’s face, coaxing them to relax against their chest. Their thumb rhythmically stroked their cheek and only stopped when they felt something wet run down it. Caretaker shifted their gaze to discover that Whumpee’s eyes were open, barely so, and staring straight into theirs.

“I-I,” Whumpee wheezed as they tried to finish their sentence, but was met with an intense coughing fit.

Caretaker put their hand flat against Whumpee’s chest and started to rub small circles, hoping to ease the discomfort.

When the fit died down, Caretaker’s eyes widened and their heart stopped when they caught sight of blood on Whumpee’s lips. It was at that moment that all their senses shut off. They could no longer feel the bouncing of the carriage, the frigid winter air or the body pressed close to theirs. They couldn’t even hear Whumpee desperately trying to call their name. Their eyes were glued to the deep red liquid that was slowly dripping down Whumpee’s chin and onto the blanket over top of them. 

It wasn’t until they felt a weak tug on their shirt that they noticed Whumpee’s face had a look of pure panic.

“I’m scared,” Whumpee was finally able to rasp out.

“Me too” is what Caretaker wanted to say, but they couldn’t, because once they did the situation would become too real.

“I know,” they settled for instead, “but I’ll be here with you the whole time, I won’t leave your side.”

Whumpee nodded and their eyes shut unwillingly. Caretaker gritted their teeth and held Whumpee tighter, giving their forehead a gentle kiss.

“I won’t let you go, not now, not ever,” and Caretaker was going to make sure that promise stayed true.

holy shit

i am grinning like an idiot after that episode

FACE  

so much FACE    

i am a grown-ass woman and i actually squealed when the helmet came off (as if i wasn’t expecting to see Pedro) like omg 

I’m getting notes on old Black Widow headcanon posts of mine that were either surpirsingly on the mark or spectacularly OFF the mark and both types are giving me feelings and I am extremely mad I have no one to blame for these emotions but myself.

Today I felt sadness again. I know what you might be thinking : “but you’re depressed! You have a blog about depression. Sadness isn’t new for you”. Well, it is. Sadness is not something I experiment a lot, in my everyday life.

It’s been a long time since I felt sad, and I mean sad in the literal way. It wasn’t like the usual stuff. It didn’t feel like my depression. It didn’t feel like when I’m having my crisis. I didn’t feel like me being depressed. 

It felt totally different.

You see, my depression is very violent. When it happens, when it suddenly hits me, it hurts so much that I can’t even breathe anymore. I feel anxious, panicked, broken, hurt. But not sad. Not usually. Mostly, I panic, I cry, I scream, I hit my walls, I break stuff, I run if I can… And then, when the crisis is over, I feel this horrible feeling of loneliness, hopelessness, and emptiness growing inside of me, eating me up, stopping me from doing anything.

But I don’t feel sad.My depression is more about PAIN. But not necessarily sadness. And I haven’t feel sad for a really long time… To be completely honest with you guys, I almost forgot how it felt. When it happened to me today, I was confused and kinda lost for a while. I was like “what is this feeling? This is not how it usually feels like.”

I understood, later, it was just basic sadness.  

Why I was feeling sad today is not important or relevant. The reason doesn’t matter. My point is :sadness is really hard to feel too; and it has nothing to do with depression. I knew that already but today I’ve lived it. 

I almost forgot about it but sadness is really difficult to handle too. We often forget what it’s like to feel sad. Just sad, not depressed. Sadness is this feeling you have in your guts that makes you believe you will never be happy again. Like,it takes all your joy away and leaves you just like that. It feels like you will never be able to smile or laugh again. It’s really weird, cause you don’t really want to cry or anything. It’s like you’re shut down. You don’t want to do anything but listen to sad songs and think about whatever it is that makes you sad. It’s like a whole new state you’re into.

Sadness is pretty damaging too. To me, depression is worse, of course. But when you haven’t felt sad for a very long time and it hits you again, it’s really hard. You’re like “oh yeah, I remember it now, it sucks too!”

Anyway, what I learnt from this experience is that : once again, sadness and depression are not the same thing. You can feel sad, it doesn’t mean you’re depressed. And depression doesn’t always come with sadness.