Blood pounding in my ears, beating a numbing rhythm into my skull until it’s too full- too much- too-, can’t breathe, my throat’s too tight, my heart too big but too small, feeling so much but nothing at all.
kiyoomi seeks serenity after coming home from war.
18+ content. pining, slow burn, sakusa wears dog tags mmm (i make this very apparent), smut, acquaintances to lovers. kind of a historical au? (think 1930s) idk bro it’s like all made up. atsumu makes an appearance, mentions of pregnancy
Does anybody else have that one movie that just tortures their soul. You watch it because it reminds you of somebody that you love or are completely and utterly into, but refuse to tell that person how you feel. So you suffer in silence and watch the movie until you’re in a puddle of your own self and tears…
Today I felt sadness again. I know what you might be thinking : “but you’re depressed! You have a blog about depression. Sadness isn’t new for you”. Well, it is. Sadness is not something I experiment a lot, in my everyday life.
It’s been a long time since I felt sad, and I mean sad in the literal way. It wasn’t like the usual stuff. It didn’t feel like my depression. It didn’t feel like when I’m having my crisis. I didn’t feel like me being depressed.
It felt totally different.
You see, my depression is very violent. When it happens, when it suddenly hits me, it hurts so much that I can’t even breathe anymore. I feel anxious, panicked, broken, hurt. But not sad. Not usually. Mostly, I panic, I cry, I scream, I hit my walls, I break stuff, I run if I can… And then, when the crisis is over, I feel this horrible feeling of loneliness, hopelessness, and emptiness growing inside of me, eating me up, stopping me from doing anything.
But I don’t feel sad.My depression is more about PAIN. But not necessarily sadness. And I haven’t feel sad for a really long time… To be completely honest with you guys, I almost forgot how it felt. When it happened to me today, I was confused and kinda lost for a while. I was like “what is this feeling? This is not how it usually feels like.”
I understood, later, it was just basic sadness.
Why I was feeling sad today is not important or relevant. The reason doesn’t matter. My point is :sadness is really hard to feel too; and it has nothing to do with depression. I knew that already but today I’ve lived it.
I almost forgot about it but sadness is really difficult to handle too. We often forget what it’s like to feel sad. Just sad, not depressed. Sadness is this feeling you have in your guts that makes you believe you will never be happy again. Like,it takes all your joy away and leaves you just like that. It feels like you will never be able to smile or laugh again. It’s really weird, cause you don’t really want to cry or anything. It’s like you’re shut down. You don’t want to do anything but listen to sad songs and think about whatever it is that makes you sad. It’s like a whole new state you’re into.
Sadness is pretty damaging too. To me, depression is worse, of course. But when you haven’t felt sad for a very long time and it hits you again, it’s really hard. You’re like “oh yeah, I remember it now, it sucks too!”
Anyway, what I learnt from this experience is that : once again, sadness and depression are not the same thing. You can feel sad, it doesn’t mean you’re depressed. And depression doesn’t always come with sadness.
“In the darkness, two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out of the sun.”
