Holding space. The haven I had created for myself slowly withered away when I became entangled with you. I felt safe at first, but soon the vulnerability became overwhelming. I felt myself restructuring the walls around my heart. Stronger than they were before. Impenetrable. By the time I had noticed that my walls were back up and twice the size they used to be, I had fallen so far away from the person I thought I was. I don’t recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at me. The only time I feel comfortable is when I am completely alone. I become someone else when I am with other people. I love the person that I am when I am alone. I know what I want, I know what I like, I think I know who I am. As soon as another person is in the picture it’s like I forget who I am, and I mutate into these unrecognizable versions of myself. I don’t even know who I am when I’m with you. I hate who I become when I’m with you. It’s like all of the inner work I’ve done just disappears and I’m a wounded little girl again. I become a monster who can’t control their emotions, let alone feel them.

1. aunt’s dress style (292)
2. sexless aunt (277) +1
3. my hot aunt (267) -1
4. homely looking (250)
5. aunt’s bedroom (212)
6. aunt in glasses (204) +8
7. jackin’ on aunt’s couch (181) +1
8. summer with aunt (181) -1
9. aunt’s lingerie style (177) -3
10. doting aunt (155)
11. ugly couch (150) +2
12. aunt’s hair style (144) -3
13. aunt’s private photo session (139) -1
14. aunt’s bed (138) -3
15. jackin’ on aunt’s bed (137) +4
16. aunt’s upskirt (129) -1
17. side-tie bikini (126) FTOL
18. homely looking aunt (121) -2
19. horny nephew (121) +5
20. vintage lingerie (119) +1
21. my cute niece (115) -4
22. horny uncle (111)
23. proud nephew (106) -3
24. slow stroke over glasses (106) FTOL
25. aunt in garters (106) FTOL

237. vacation with niece (13), 1075. niece’s hairy legs (1), 624. large bikini area (4)

278 new hashtags were added in December, with #aunt’s dress style staying atop, and added 40 more times. Biggest jump was #aunt in glasses +8, followed by #horny nephew +5. Biggest drop was #my cute niece -4. Falling off the list were #aunt’s weekend sex session and #aunt of vacation.

The God who sees me

Apostle Lee Ann posed a thoughtful question during Sanctuarytoday:What does Christ’s coming (either first or second) mean to you?

Truthfully, I’d never considered the personal significance of Jesus’ birth or future coming. But then I remembered what one of the other leaders said about Hagar—she named God El Roi, or “the God who sees me.”

Jesus is living proof that God sees me, and others like me.

Jesus not only surrounded himself with the outcasts of his society, he also called them to be part of his ministry. To show the world that God had a place at the table for people like them, and that not even the religious leaders could do anything about it.

As a queer, clearly gender non-conforming person living in the Bible Belt (the southeastern United States), I’ve dealt with rejection from friends I’ve known for many years, and I understand that I’m not actually welcome at many churches that claim “all are welcome.” Finding Sanctuary helped me find God again.

Despite the rejection that I’m experiencing, I find comfort in the fact that God sees me. Not idea of me, not the me that I could be—me, as
I am.

I don’t really celebrate Advent (and I’m not really a huge fan of Christmas). But if you celebrate, I pray that you find comfort in the fact that God is El Roi, and that God has a seat at the table for you.

It’s hard to believe one conversation could end a decade of friendship, but it did. Grief, anger, and disbelief have been my close friends these days.

There’s so much I wish I could make you understand—how my “sin” has drawn me closer to God than ever, how my new name reflects who I’ve always been, how everything we grew up believing was built on a fundamental misunderstanding of God and humanity.

But I can’t make you change, just like you can’t make me change.

May we someday come to a place where our fear doesn’t dictate our faith, where our pride doesn’t determine how we treat people, and where our love doesn’t come with limits.

If not in this life, then the next.

Do yourself a favor: Set boundaries with people who don’t affirm you.

I’m speaking as much to myself as I am to anyone reading this post.

Today I reconnected with a friend from my old (conservative white evangelical) church. A lot has changed since we last saw each other—I changed my name, found terms that describe my experiences, and embraced my queerness.

Considering my friend responded positively when I came out to her over text, I thought we’d be on the same page when it came to LGBTQ inclusion in the church.

Unfortunately, I was wrong.

This is the second close friend who has recently rejected me for my queerness. NGL, it sucks; and I find myself wondering, was coming out really worth it?

Keeping loved ones at arm’s length

Queer Theology has countless resources about rejection, but these two have helped me the most:

Kind Homophobia and Transphobia Is Still Evil

Reading this, I felt reassured that it’s OK to have mixed feelings. That even if my friend wants to continue hanging out with me, and even though we did have some positive conversations (outside of queer and faith topics), her believing that being LGBTQ is a sin is not loving.

Do I Have To Be Okay With Transgender People

Although this article addresses folks who don’t affirm transgender folks, it offers insight into setting boundaries.

In fact, I have started to…

• Quit considering the people who’ve rejected me as my close friends (this has been especially difficult because I’ve known these friends for years)
• Unfollow people on social media from my old (conservative white evangelical) communities
• Rely more on my affirming friends for emotional support

This post was primarily a reminder for me—that it’s OK (and even self-care!) to set boundaries with people who don’t accept me for who I am. But I hope you get some insight or encouragement, too.

What an answer to prayer…

I’ve been job searching for some time and thought I found a good position. A couple of red flags came up, but nothing as eyebrow-raising as what I’m dealing with in my current job.

Nevertheless, last night I asked God for an “undeniable” sign for whether this was the right job or not.

Well, today the interviewer asked to postpone ‘til after the holidays with less than an hour’s notice—after the company expressed interest in interviewing me before the holidays.

I’d say that’s an “undeniable” sign, alright.

Love of money is the root of toxic theology

The post I just reblogged got me thinking about how many concepts that Christians (especially white evangelicals) apply to marginalized groups were actually intended for the rich.

Weird how that works.

Case in point:

Modesty

How it’s taught today:Young girls and AFAB children must dress in a way that prevents men from lusting after them.

What it actually means:Christians shouldn’t call attention to their social standing, especially at church.

1 Timothy 2:9 describes immodest women as wearing elaborate hairstyles, gold, pearls, and other expensive items. They’re distracting other worshipers not because of their sex appeal, but because they’re flaunting their wealth.

Interestingly, the King James Version uses the phrase “modest apparel,” while many modern translations like the Amplified Bible, NIV, and NASB simply use “modesty.” You can compare translations of 1 Timothy 2:9 here.

Lukewarm Christianity

How it’s taught today:Christians who don’t fervently serve the church in some capacity (such as blue collar workers, single parents, and other people who don’t have the time) are a disappointment to Jesus.

What it actually means:Christians shouldn’t put their trust in material wealth because it will leave them spiritually bankrupt.

In Revelation 3:14-22, Jesus chastised the church at Laodicea for having so much money that they didn’t realize they were spiritually “wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.” He then urges them to be “zealous” (which Thayer’s Greek Lexicon translates as “to be full of zeal for good”) and quit chasing after material wealth.

Leaving Everything to Follow Jesus

How it’s taught today:“Sinners” and other nonconformists (such as LGBTQIA+ folks, sex workers, and working women) should give up the lifestyles the church doesn’t approve of to serve God in a more acceptable way.

What it actually means:Christians shouldn’t seek security in their possessions and social status.

Here’s how the Amplified Bible translates Matthew 19:21-24:

Jesus answered him, “If you wish to be perfect [that is, have the spiritual maturity that accompanies godly character with no moral or ethical deficiencies], go and sell what you have and give [the money] to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me [becoming My disciple, believing and trusting in Me and walking the same path of life that I walk].”

But when the young man heard this, he left grieving and distressed, for he owned much property and had many possessions [which he treasured more than his relationship with God].

Jesus said to His disciples, “I assure you and most solemnly say to you, it is difficult for a rich man [who clings to possessions and status as security] to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man [who places his faith in wealth and status] to enter the kingdom of God.”

I’m sure these are just a few of many examples of Christians nowadays pulling verses out of context to avoid accountability and further dehumanize marginalized groups of people.

Embracing nonbinary theology

I just answered an ask about the Trinity, which boggles the minds of lots of Christians. What’s cool, though, is that doctrine like that proves that Christian theology can’t exist on a binary—the Trinity is not eitherthree beings orone, but both and.

Another nonbinary concept is the idea that we’re bothimperfect beings andsacred because we’re made in God’s image. I talked about this idea when musing on “Creature” by half•alive, and I’m planning to take a deep dive in my upcoming sermon for Sanctuary.

I’m excited to start exploring more nonbinary concepts!