#indigo child
Hathor (2021)
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@plekien on Instagram
I’m still in love with you
Its been over a year
Since I last felt your body
Pressed up against mine
Is it true that love grows fonder with time?
I can’t seem to get you off of my mind
Like a movie, scenes of you
Play and repeat behind my eyes
Wishing you were holding me one last time
I wish I could figure out why
I decided to forget about you
Because I could never forget you
I tried for a year and it didn’t work
I tried for a year and it fucking hurt me
Your heart seems to be entangled with mine
I wish you could see the way your eyes shine
When the light hits them at sunset
How it looks like they hold the world inside
I love the way your hand melds with mine
Like a piece of the puzzle I couldn’t find
The whole world is going up
To higher dimensions as I write this
Not everyone realizes it
But everything is pure bliss
Everything is perfect
And exactly as it should be
We’re all finding ourselves
And soon we will all see
That something big is happening
To each and every one of us
We may not know what it is yet
We all just need to trust
I was feeling really hopeless the other day and I just wanted to do anything to distract myself. So I started going through old photos and videos. With every video came a bunch of memories and it was like I was back in that moment. Just watching all these videos knowing how happy I was in all of them.. I usually just take videos when I’m feeling really content. So it was so nice to be able to tap into this happy feeling. So please enjoy these videos that make me happy. Maybe they can bring you some joy, too. Also the song is one I wrote and recorded last week, hope you like that, too.
Tired of feeling everyone else
Everyone else’s feelings
Because my own are overwhelming
And I don’t want to be overwhelmed
I feel this crippling anxiety
Anxiety about being myself
Then I let it take control of me
As if control is what it needs
I’m so tired of being lonely
Lonely yet surrounded by people
People who don’t know me at all
Because I don’t let them know me at all
I put on a mask when I leave the house
And take it off when I get home
This mask is starting to get heavy
I just really want to be alone
I am grateful for the wonderful, supportive people in my life. I am grateful for delicious food to eat. I am grateful to be able to feel things.
Sitting criss-cross in the sun
Enjoying the warmth on my face
Knowing my life is about to get better
Because I finally made the change
No more sitting back and waiting
For life to happen to me
Because life is happening for me
And I finally feel free
There’s beautiful people all around
Often these people don’t want to be found
It’s like they’re hiding just waiting for the day
For someone to really see them and stay
Sometimes I just feel so fucking ugly
Because I don’t pay attention to the good
Everyone just wants something from me
And I give because I think that I should
Never giving a damn thing to myself
Trapped in this life that feels like hell
When will I finally see the beauty
That lies so deeply inside of me
Holding space. The haven I had created for myself slowly withered away when I became entangled with you. I felt safe at first, but soon the vulnerability became overwhelming. I felt myself restructuring the walls around my heart. Stronger than they were before. Impenetrable. By the time I had noticed that my walls were back up and twice the size they used to be, I had fallen so far away from the person I thought I was. I don’t recognize the girl in the mirror staring back at me. The only time I feel comfortable is when I am completely alone. I become someone else when I am with other people. I love the person that I am when I am alone. I know what I want, I know what I like, I think I know who I am. As soon as another person is in the picture it’s like I forget who I am, and I mutate into these unrecognizable versions of myself. I don’t even know who I am when I’m with you. I hate who I become when I’m with you. It’s like all of the inner work I’ve done just disappears and I’m a wounded little girl again. I become a monster who can’t control their emotions, let alone feel them.
Let go. These two words speak volumes. We must accept that sometimes we feel emotions such as anxiety, fear, anger, frustration and sadness. Sometimes these feelings come out of nowhere and we quickly attach ourselves to them. This aligns us with the vibration of these emotions, attracting more of them into our lives. We must learn to observe these feelings, accept them, and let them go. We may feel these feelings, but we are not feelings. We are simply experiencing them. I am feeling anxious, but I am not anxiety. I am feeling sad, but I am not sadness. We must let ourselves feel the feeling, and let it go. Today and everyday I am going to let go of the attachment I have to these emotions. I am not my feelings. I am me.
It has become quite easy for me to hyper fixate on the self deprecating thoughts and spiral into the abyss that has become my mind.. a very dark place to reside.
I love how snow makes everything seem so quiet
Dampens the sounds of this constantly buzzing world
When will we slow down?
Why are feelings so hard for me to feel
They are hard for me to feel because I was never shown how.
I was shown how to pretend they don’t exist, to drown them with drinks, to choke on my tears instead of letting them flow.
Master of ignoring my feelings.
The longer that I ignore them the bigger they get and the bigger they get the harder it becomes to hold back the tears begging to come out of my eyes
And I cry
I don’t know how to cry
I shut my eyes
And clench my teeth
Until my mouth rips itself open and the wails break out of their cages
And I cry
The tears run down my cheeks
Like it’s a fucking race
First one to the floor wins.
I don’t feel better after I cry
I feel empty and alone
And left with nothing inside where the tears used to hide.
I don’t know how to cry
It’s uncomfortable and foreign to me
I only cry when I am alone
Driving down the freeway in the dark
Always feels like the right time
The music is almost loud enough to drown my gasping for breath.
To drown my grasping at death.
I don’t know why I cry…
Watching the days just pass me by
Doing nothing worthy with my time..
Why do I feel unworthy?
Nobody is here to hurt me… but me
I’m just fucking sad
I’m releasing hurt from every cell of my being
Release isn’t pretty, it’s dirty, it’s painful
I don’t mean to be ungrateful
But I just want to be done
I love when it rains when I’m sad
Like the sky knows how I feel.
The thunder rolls
as if to yell the words I cannot speak.
The lightning strikes
like the anger lights
me up.
And soon the storm passes
The sun will come out again.
I will be okay.
Falling in love with you was like falling into alignment
The vertebrae in my spine all perfectly aligned
With the lines by your eyes when you smile
When you smile the lines turn to creases
Creases in the letters that I wrote but never sent
The letters that I wrote to you after we ended
We ended and my heart was shattered into pieces
The pieces scattered on the ground like broken glass
Broken glass formed into art, broken glass formed into my heart
I can’t believe the words you said to me
I could never act like you’re dead to me
But when you told me that you loved her
It seemed like the world lost its color
It still hurts me when I see your pictures
It makes me sick to think you kiss her
Don’t forget that I know how you taste
Now I’m up and leaving without a trace
There’s no other way that I can forget
This pit in my stomach is all of my regret
I knew you reflected me back like a mirror
Showed me where I wasn’t seeing clear
But she’s two faced and you can’t see that
You need genuine and baby I can be that
I love every story that you’ve ever told me
I love the way you know just how to hold me
How much of your life are you willing to waste
We both know that life is not a race
But wouldn’t you want to live your life
Like someone isn’t coming at you with a knife
She’s always so ready to rip you apart
Like she doesn’t even have a fucking heart
I just can’t even begin to understand
Why I didn’t want you to be my man.
I just want to give in sometimes
Give into what begs me to quit
I beg my shadow self to let go
We are no longer a good fit
We might have connected for a bit
But now it’s time for me to move on
I’m tired of not feeling like myself
I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong
Feels like the real me is long gone
And I don’t know where she went
It’s like she got up and ran away
I need to find her again.
I just want to fall asleep
I don’t think I want to wake up
Tired of living this lie
I just can’t seem to break up
With this idea I have in my mind
That somehow we’ll end up together
It seems that’ll never happen
And I can’t wait forever
So I’m all alone
Just laying here
Wishing I could fall asleep
But when I sleep I dream of you
And my dreams never seem to come true.
