TASM!Peter Parker x reader (eventually), Bucky x reader (Past)
Word Count: 2.1k
Warnings: Angst
A/N: Ive always loved Andrew Garfields Spider Man, but ive never really got around to writing for him and now that im getting settled in my new house I thought why the heck not. My heart beats for Bucky Barnes so I of course had to find away to add him in here lol.
This fic will of course be based off NWH (SPOILERS) But its not at all going to follow everything down to a T, The only thing that’s going to be the same is the fact the Spider man’s are in our universe and they want to cure the villains.
And in case you get confused while reading, the reader was born in 1920, grew up with Steve and Bucky, her and Bucky were engaged before he enlisted. Bucky and Steves storylines are still the same. Will of course get more into their relationship in further parts! And how she got her abilities.
You were out of touch with the world and everything that was going on in it, which had to be a lot - it was always a lot.
You finally mustered up the courage to leave your new home, scratch that apartment, nothing and no one was ever going to be home to you again.
You were done, done looking at the brighter side of things like Tony told you to do, you should have listened to Natasha, love was for children and you were so young when you fell in love with him, and the two of you were most certainly not children anymore.
Life was hard, you always knew it would be but you never in a hundred years expected your path to go the way it did.
How did you get it so wrong? You couldn’t stop thinking maybe you shouldn’t have mustered up the courage to talk to the boy next door when you were an adolescent, that you should have just let it be and maybe you wouldn’t have been sucked into the whirlpool that was your life.
That maybe you would have found a husband, had a couple of children and died at 80 like everyone you had ever known did.
Pairings: Bucky x reader, Natasha x reader (Platonic sorta), Steve x reader (Platonic)
Word Count: 3.5k
A/N: Found this deep deep in my drafts so that’s cool, its not edited or proof read, just trying to clear old fics out! There will be a part 2 I never finished this or made a part two when I wrote this so working on that now! Enjoy
Bucky and you had a long history, and I don’t mean long as in only a decade but 7 of them.
You were the girl next door literally,you grew up directly next door to Bucky. You moved in right before puberty hit not just the boys but you too.
It was always just you three and it was the first time you had any real friends, your father was part of the army, science sector of it so you were constantly moving never having enough time to actually make any life long friends let alone fall in love but when he went missing, later discovered dead in some secret lab he had under your house, your mother and you packed up and moved to the city that everyone wanted to live in, New York.
With the endless amount of possibilities or more so the endless amount of men your Mother could shack up with and have them support her and yourself. You didn’t mind of course as long as she was happy, you were happy.
That was until her latest husband David started yelling a lot, then he started drinking a lot, then he hit you for the first time. Your mother told you it was the wrong place at the wrong time, you walked into the house right as they were fighting and he struck you. You never said anything except went straight to your room, then climbed out your window back to where Bucky was.
And when he saw you, you broke down. He promised he’d always be here for you and you were the only girl that would ever have his heart. He was true to his word to a certain extent. That was until puberty hit and every girl was throwing themselves at him, it was inevitable he was gorgeous.
He went out with every girl in town, except for you because you weren’t as pretty as them even though he always would get drunk and end up climbing through your window instead of his, telling you just how you were the most beautiful girl he’d ever laid eyes on how he was so lucky to have you, but then the next day when you woke up he was gone, back out the window and back to holding some other dame in his arms.
But when the war got worse and people were getting their letters left and right you knew Bucky’s were coming and he stopped seeing other girls and he spent all his time with Steve and you.
It was different, he would hold your hand on the street, he would take you dancing, he would take you on dates. You found yourselves constantly under the sheets intertwined with one another and then one night when he thought you were sleeping he told you while running his fingers through your hair that it was only ever going to be you, it was only ever you and when he saw any future it was always with you.
He told you he was hopeless in love with you since the day he saw you standing by the moving truck holding a box and you tried your hardest not to open your eyes and tell him you were in love with him too.
The next day he enlisted and spent the last night he had with Steve and you at some Stark thing you cared nothing about but at the same time everything about because Bucky cared about it and you cared about Bucky.
And just like that he was gone and the first decade of your history had ended before it ever really started. When Steve showed up on your step to tell you about Bucky and to give you the book that Bucky wrote to you every single day, he told you he was going to avenge his death and he would come back to you, and then he never did either. When Peggy Carter knocked on your door to tell you about Steve you shut the door and shut anyone out that was left in your life.
Till sometime in the 50’s in the paper it said Howard Stark was looking for volunteers and you never forgot how much Bucky would beam at the opportunity so you showed up at the base and he said yes before you could even speak after hearing how you were Steve’s best friend.
You were injected with the closest hope to the next super soldier serum without the drastic physical changes. They called you Miss America, and you hoped you would have made your boys proud but when Howard noticed you weren’t ageing as you should they ran tests, discovering that your cells rengernated at an extremely fast rate now allowing you to age as you should before you could run more tests and possibly find an antidote or even how enchanced you really were, Howard was killed.
You were alone again, Peggy tried her best to keep you company and to keep you hidden, you should have been in your late 60’s like her but instead you looked 3 decades younger than her, she thought it would be best to fake your death so that’s what you did.
Y/N Y/L/N died in 1995 at the age of 75, your cause of death was undetermined. That’s when Lily Barnes was created, born in 1965 making you 30 years old, which is what you would stay looking for the next 2 decades, when they found Steve on ice you could have sworn you saw a wrinkle that was never there before.
When he found out Peggy was alive he was of course over the moon but when he saw you he couldn’t believe his eyes. He had Fury look into you and when he saw a death certificate, they found where you were buried and it was beside Bucky. But yet you were standing directly in front of him looking like you had only aged 5 years in the last 70. You told him everything, he was so mad at first but he came to terms with it when he realised he wasn’t going to be alone.
Fury tried to recruit you for the avengers but you wanted nothing to do with making new friends and losing them your heart simply couldn’t handle it. Fury understood told you he didn’t like it but he understood, he put you in a safe house Steve respected your wishes and besides Fury, Steve was the only one who knew where you were that until a red head knocked on your door, Steve beside her and he told you to suit up, you did no questions asked.
The next thing you knew you were on a jet, getting debriefed about someone by the name of Thano’s. But when you were getting close to a place called Wakanada, your heightened sense picked up on something you.
“Steve, what’s wrong?” You stood by Natasha putting all your weapons in their correct spot.
“What isn’t wrong?” Natasha tried to joke but you ignored it.
“Stevie” You asked again “You know I can tell that I can sense literally everything right?”
He gave you a soft smile “I forgot you were enhanced” he sighed “There’s something i haven’t told you”
“No shit” You smiled
“She doesn’t know?” Sam asked from the front seat, Steve shook his head in response.
“How much doesn’t she know?” Natasha whispered
“None of it”
Natasha looked at you, placing a hand on your shoulder “I’m sorry in advance, I didn’t know” she then proceeded to sit by Sam, giving Steve and you the space you apparently needed for this conversation.
“I’m so sorry y/n, i just, there was so much going on and you wanted to stay out of it and i know if you knew you would have been brought back in, but then Natasha happened and i didnt know about there history and he was so happy, I haven’t seen him smile like that since you, then Wakanda happened, he deserved to be free, he deserves to be happy and so do you and it was wrong of me not to say anything, your my best friend you took care of Peggy, I – “
“Steve, slow down, what are you talking about?” Your senses were in overload, you could feel every atom, every fibre in the air, alerting you that you needed to run, that you needed to fight.
He gave you the same eye’s he gave you when your Ma past, the same eyes he gave you when Bucky forgot about your birthday because Dot said yes to a date, the same eyes he gave you when he told you Bucky died. “He’s alive, Bucky’s alive”
“What? Steve that’s not funny”
“I know, I’m not joking” He reached just beside the shield and handed you a file that said CLASSIFIED in big red letters “Were arriving in an hour, I’m sorry I should have told you sooner, everything you need to know is in here. I’ll be right over there if you need me, I’m here for you”
The file was heavy in your hands, your mouth was dry. When you read his name at the top it felt you were swallowing a razor blade. You read everything as fast as you could, you held back tears, letting the metaphorically razor blade cut any emotions you wanted to have. You were angry, so angry, so hurt that this was kept from you, you wanted to kill Steve Rogers, you wanted to murder Captain America. But no more than you wanted to kill yourself, he was alive this whole time, the same time you were alive. You could have done something, why didn’t you know to do something? You should have felt he was still alive and in pain, he was your soulmate, he said you were soulmates. That was until you got to the second last page in the file, it was an HR paper from Stark Industries and your eyes were blurring with tears when you saw the world’s relationship and saw two signatures at the bottom one reading James Barnes and the other Natasha Romanoff.
“Landing in 5, 4, 3 – “ You heard Sam counting down, you placed the file down. You took a deep breath soaking in every fibre of information presented to you in the last hour. You stood up having an internal battle of whether you should kill Steve now or later, you wanted to strangle Natasha, but it wasn’t her fault, you couldn’t blame Bucky, she was amazing if you swung that way you would have fallen for her too, you should have known the second Steve told you he was alive, before you even opened the file, he always had a thing for redheads. You clipped your last knife to your thigh.
You gave Natasha a small smile and she returned it. You could feel Steve’s presence hovering beside you, as the doors whired open “Does he know?” you didn’t even look at Steve as the doors slowly opened.
“No” He sighed “Im so sore –”
You shook your head “Don't”
Natasha was the first one out, no doubt in your mind wanting to see Bucky, Steve followed shortly after, then Sam, then Bruce, the Rhodey, than you’
Her arms wrapped around his neck, her lips grazed his you heard her mumble an ‘i miss you’, that metaphorical razor you swallowed sliced your heart in half.
Steve hugged Bucky, whispering something to him and his blue eyes searched for you, disbelief written all over his face. He started to make his way to you, but stopped just before he could reach you, his eyes trailed over your figure, tears brimmed his eyes “Doll, I -”
You cleared your throat, shifting your demeanour from heart broken and love sick back to someone you swore you never wanted to be again and that was Miss America “We have a fight to win Sargent.”
He blinked a few times, shifting his gaze to Steve and he shrugged in return, he turned back to you “But I - “
Steve came up beside him “She’s right Buck”
Bucky looked like he was having an internal battle within himself before he nodded and the team made their way to the battle ground, Bucky never leaving your side, his pace stayed with you the whole time until the fight started, he kissed Natasha on the cheek wishing her good luck, before he got the chance to say something to you, your back was already turned getting in your fight stance.
You lost him for a while during the battle, while still keeping an eye on him without being too obvious. You did the same with Steve you knew he was more than capable and was no longer that little boy from brooklyn, even though you were still mad at him he was still your best friend, well one of them.
The fight dragged on, and when you thought you had any possible chance of winning, people started turning to dust all around you “no no no” you mumbled running closer to Steve, your eyes locked with Bucky “Y/n….” he trailed off before he was completely gone.
F i v e whole years.
Five whole years of losing Bucky again, five years of growing so close to Natasha you would consider her your best friend. It was just you two in the compound, you came back to the whole superhero lifestyle and tried your best to do anything you could to keep things running smoothly. It was hard half the fucking world was missing, but your whole world was.
You wanted to hate Natasha you did, she had everything you ever wanted in the palm of her hands and yet you couldn’t. She was everything you aspired to be. You were nothing like her and it made sense why Bucky kept anything you thought you had in the dark, it wasn’t because you thought he was savouring it, soaking up every moment, no it was because he was ashamed.
You wanted nothing more than to hate her, it would have made things so much easier but she was just as amazing as everyone made her out to be, you hoped you could somehow find a way to get Bucky back and selfishly you hoped he would wildy confess his undenying love to you but you knew that would never happen, and at the same time you were rooting for them, he was your everything then and she was your everything now.
You could push your heart break aside for decades again couldn’t you?
Could you die from a broken heart? You hoped it would make everything so much easier.
But you didn’t and here you were about to do fucking time travel. Standing on the platform you tried to tune out all the energy and nerves you could feel radiating off of everyone, a hand found its way on your shoulder “Were gonna get him back Natasha smiled at you before turning to the rest of your teammates, her family “See you in a minute”
“You know, i thought living as long as i have would have been the craziest thing to ever happen to me” You smiled thinking of all the crazy shit you experienced in your overly lived lifetime.
“But here we are, in space going to some place called Vormir, don’t be too full of yourself y/n’’ You laughed, bumping your shoulder against hers.
“Welcome” A voice echoed behind you. Grabbing your knife, Natasha reached for her gun. “Natasha, daughter of Ivan. Y/n, daughter of Lilith.
As you both made your way forward you tensed immediately recognizing who is in front of you.
“Who are you?” Natasha questioned, your knives still raised.
“Consider me a guide, to you and to all who seek the Soul Stone”
You eyed her cautiously before taking a step forward “Oh good, you tell us where it is, then we’ll be on our way”
Red skull looked at you “If only it were that easy”
He turned around starting to move forward, you looked at Natasha, she shrugged in response and then the two of you followed him near the edge of a cliff, what looked to be a sunset in the distance.
“What you seek lies in front of you, as does what you fear”
Natsha pushed ahead peering over the edge “The stones down there” Her back to you.
“For one of you” Red skull respond
You were overwhelmed, you could feel the stone, you could feel the calmness, the sureness radating off of Natasha, her pure willingness. Your feet dragged you forward, peaking over hoping the stone would be in reach, which you knew it wouldn’t be, because it would be crazy for something to be that easy.
“For the other” He continued “You must lose that which you love, an everlasting exchange” He paused dramatically, you swallowed the lump in your throat “A soul for a soul”
She took your hand in hers, pulling you away from the ledge. Taking a seat on a rock, while you leaned on one. You knew what you had to do, what had to be done “Y’know, I think our hopefully chatter doomed us”
She smiled at you “We cant seem to ever catch a break huh?”
“People like us never really do it seems”
She stood up turning to face you “And here i thought we found a little bit of break in each other the last 5 years”
You smiled back at her “It’s always too good to be true”
“Whatever it takes” She took your hand in hers
Swallowing back the lump in your throat “Whatever it takes”
She stared in your eyes, you felt nothing but love and longing radiating off of her “If we don’t get that stone y/n, millions of people stay dead, Barnes stays dead”
Nodding in agreement “He deserves a life Nat” You placed your other hand on hers “A great one and you —“
“I’m starting to think we mean different people here y/n”
“For the last five years Nat, all we’ve been trying to do is get to right here, that’s all its been about. Bringing every body back, getting Bucky back”
“Don’t you get all sappy on me now y/n/n”
“Nat..” you trailed off
“You think I want to do this? I’m trying to save your life you idiot”
You squeezed her hand “Yeah, well I don’t want you to. I’ve lived long enough Nat, this would be a great way to go” You smiled back your tears “Bucky has you, i have you” you looked off towards the sunset “It’s not that bad of a sight, y’know if its the last thing i see”
She placed her free hand on your cheek, turning your head to face her again “I loved Bucky” her eyes piercing into yours “But i love you more”
“No, Nat -“
“I wasn’t finished” Her thumb swept one out of a dozen fallen tears finding their way down your cheek “But he could never love me, his heart belonged to someone else but the little piece of it i got to see” she took a deep breath “was so good, so i know that when i do this it’ll be worth everything for you to finally get whats already been yours”
You shook your head as she brought your forehead to hers before she continued “Whatever it takes”
You savoured this moment the best and longest you could “Okay, you win” You released her hand before sweeping your leg under hers, placing your arm across her chest and pinning her down “Tell Bucky and Steve i love them”
She grunted before hitting your arm, and using her legs to flip you around before standing up and pointing her widow bite at you “You tell em’ yourself” before shooting it at you, an electrical charge attacked your body.
She started to run towards the edge before you recovered, grabbing your knife and aiming it at her leg grazing the side enough to knock her down.
Before you started to charge at full speed to the edge, as you were about to fall, she wrapped her arms around you shooting your grappling hook at the top of the cliff, you both swung back at full force smashing into the edge, you looked up “No no no” you tighten your grip on her but you could feel her slipping “How do you know i love you! This could be for nothing you dont know”
“I know”
You tried to reach her with your other hand for a better grip but failed
“Let me go”
“No” you sobbed “No please no”
“Its okay” she smiled
“Please” Tears were burning down your face, before she kicked off the wall her arm ripped from your grip.
“No!” You screamed till your throat was raw, as you looked down you saw her lifeless body laying there.
Everything went black and you could hear water running, you sat up frantically, you were no longer hanging off the cliff, as you lifted your hand out of the water a single stone laid in it. Your tears meshed with the water before you were being brought back.
“Did we get ‘em all?”
“Are you telling me this actually worked?”
You dropped to the ground, cheeks raw from crying, you could feel all eyes on you, “Y/n? Where’s Nat?” Bruce questioned, you turned to look at Steve, shaking your head no, avoiding all the other eyes because you wouldn’t dare look into there eyes, you were nothing to them.
Pairings: Bucky x reader, Natasha x reader (Platonic sorta), Steve x reader (Platonic)
Word Count: 3.5k
A/N: Found this deep deep in my drafts so that’s cool, its not edited or proof read, just trying to clear old fics out! There will be a part 2 I never finished this or made a part two when I wrote this so working on that now! Enjoy
Bucky and you had a long history, and I don’t mean long as in only a decade but 7 of them.
You were the girl next door literally,you grew up directly next door to Bucky. You moved in right before puberty hit not just the boys but you too.
It was always just you three and it was the first time you had any real friends, your father was part of the army, science sector of it so you were constantly moving never having enough time to actually make any life long friends let alone fall in love but when he went missing, later discovered dead in some secret lab he had under your house, your mother and you packed up and moved to the city that everyone wanted to live in, New York.
With the endless amount of possibilities or more so the endless amount of men your Mother could shack up with and have them support her and yourself. You didn’t mind of course as long as she was happy, you were happy.
That was until her latest husband David started yelling a lot, then he started drinking a lot, then he hit you for the first time. Your mother told you it was the wrong place at the wrong time, you walked into the house right as they were fighting and he struck you. You never said anything except went straight to your room, then climbed out your window back to where Bucky was.
And when he saw you, you broke down. He promised he’d always be here for you and you were the only girl that would ever have his heart. He was true to his word to a certain extent. That was until puberty hit and every girl was throwing themselves at him, it was inevitable he was gorgeous.
He went out with every girl in town, except for you because you weren’t as pretty as them even though he always would get drunk and end up climbing through your window instead of his, telling you just how you were the most beautiful girl he’d ever laid eyes on how he was so lucky to have you, but then the next day when you woke up he was gone, back out the window and back to holding some other dame in his arms.
But when the war got worse and people were getting their letters left and right you knew Bucky’s were coming and he stopped seeing other girls and he spent all his time with Steve and you.
It was different, he would hold your hand on the street, he would take you dancing, he would take you on dates. You found yourselves constantly under the sheets intertwined with one another and then one night when he thought you were sleeping he told you while running his fingers through your hair that it was only ever going to be you, it was only ever you and when he saw any future it was always with you.
He told you he was hopeless in love with you since the day he saw you standing by the moving truck holding a box and you tried your hardest not to open your eyes and tell him you were in love with him too.
The next day he enlisted and spent the last night he had with Steve and you at some Stark thing you cared nothing about but at the same time everything about because Bucky cared about it and you cared about Bucky.
And just like that he was gone and the first decade of your history had ended before it ever really started. When Steve showed up on your step to tell you about Bucky and to give you the book that Bucky wrote to you every single day, he told you he was going to avenge his death and he would come back to you, and then he never did either. When Peggy Carter knocked on your door to tell you about Steve you shut the door and shut anyone out that was left in your life.
Till sometime in the 50’s in the paper it said Howard Stark was looking for volunteers and you never forgot how much Bucky would beam at the opportunity so you showed up at the base and he said yes before you could even speak after hearing how you were Steve’s best friend.
You were injected with the closest hope to the next super soldier serum without the drastic physical changes. They called you Miss America, and you hoped you would have made your boys proud but when Howard noticed you weren’t ageing as you should they ran tests, discovering that your cells rengernated at an extremely fast rate now allowing you to age as you should before you could run more tests and possibly find an antidote or even how enchanced you really were, Howard was killed.
You were alone again, Peggy tried her best to keep you company and to keep you hidden, you should have been in your late 60’s like her but instead you looked 3 decades younger than her, she thought it would be best to fake your death so that’s what you did.
Y/N Y/L/N died in 1995 at the age of 75, your cause of death was undetermined. That’s when Lily Barnes was created, born in 1965 making you 30 years old, which is what you would stay looking for the next 2 decades, when they found Steve on ice you could have sworn you saw a wrinkle that was never there before.
When he found out Peggy was alive he was of course over the moon but when he saw you he couldn’t believe his eyes. He had Fury look into you and when he saw a death certificate, they found where you were buried and it was beside Bucky. But yet you were standing directly in front of him looking like you had only aged 5 years in the last 70. You told him everything, he was so mad at first but he came to terms with it when he realised he wasn’t going to be alone.
Fury tried to recruit you for the avengers but you wanted nothing to do with making new friends and losing them your heart simply couldn’t handle it. Fury understood told you he didn’t like it but he understood, he put you in a safe house Steve respected your wishes and besides Fury, Steve was the only one who knew where you were that until a red head knocked on your door, Steve beside her and he told you to suit up, you did no questions asked.
The next thing you knew you were on a jet, getting debriefed about someone by the name of Thano’s. But when you were getting close to a place called Wakanada, your heightened sense picked up on something you.
“Steve, what’s wrong?” You stood by Natasha putting all your weapons in their correct spot.
“What isn’t wrong?” Natasha tried to joke but you ignored it.
“Stevie” You asked again “You know I can tell that I can sense literally everything right?”
He gave you a soft smile “I forgot you were enhanced” he sighed “There’s something i haven’t told you”
“No shit” You smiled
“She doesn’t know?” Sam asked from the front seat, Steve shook his head in response.
“How much doesn’t she know?” Natasha whispered
“None of it”
Natasha looked at you, placing a hand on your shoulder “I’m sorry in advance, I didn’t know” she then proceeded to sit by Sam, giving Steve and you the space you apparently needed for this conversation.
“I’m so sorry y/n, i just, there was so much going on and you wanted to stay out of it and i know if you knew you would have been brought back in, but then Natasha happened and i didnt know about there history and he was so happy, I haven’t seen him smile like that since you, then Wakanda happened, he deserved to be free, he deserves to be happy and so do you and it was wrong of me not to say anything, your my best friend you took care of Peggy, I – “
“Steve, slow down, what are you talking about?” Your senses were in overload, you could feel every atom, every fibre in the air, alerting you that you needed to run, that you needed to fight.
He gave you the same eye’s he gave you when your Ma past, the same eyes he gave you when Bucky forgot about your birthday because Dot said yes to a date, the same eyes he gave you when he told you Bucky died. “He’s alive, Bucky’s alive”
“What? Steve that’s not funny”
“I know, I’m not joking” He reached just beside the shield and handed you a file that said CLASSIFIED in big red letters “Were arriving in an hour, I’m sorry I should have told you sooner, everything you need to know is in here. I’ll be right over there if you need me, I’m here for you”
The file was heavy in your hands, your mouth was dry. When you read his name at the top it felt you were swallowing a razor blade. You read everything as fast as you could, you held back tears, letting the metaphorically razor blade cut any emotions you wanted to have. You were angry, so angry, so hurt that this was kept from you, you wanted to kill Steve Rogers, you wanted to murder Captain America. But no more than you wanted to kill yourself, he was alive this whole time, the same time you were alive. You could have done something, why didn’t you know to do something? You should have felt he was still alive and in pain, he was your soulmate, he said you were soulmates. That was until you got to the second last page in the file, it was an HR paper from Stark Industries and your eyes were blurring with tears when you saw the world’s relationship and saw two signatures at the bottom one reading James Barnes and the other Natasha Romanoff.
“Landing in 5, 4, 3 – “ You heard Sam counting down, you placed the file down. You took a deep breath soaking in every fibre of information presented to you in the last hour. You stood up having an internal battle of whether you should kill Steve now or later, you wanted to strangle Natasha, but it wasn’t her fault, you couldn’t blame Bucky, she was amazing if you swung that way you would have fallen for her too, you should have known the second Steve told you he was alive, before you even opened the file, he always had a thing for redheads. You clipped your last knife to your thigh.
You gave Natasha a small smile and she returned it. You could feel Steve’s presence hovering beside you, as the doors whired open “Does he know?” you didn’t even look at Steve as the doors slowly opened.
“No” He sighed “Im so sore –”
You shook your head “Don't”
Natasha was the first one out, no doubt in your mind wanting to see Bucky, Steve followed shortly after, then Sam, then Bruce, the Rhodey, than you’
Her arms wrapped around his neck, her lips grazed his you heard her mumble an ‘i miss you’, that metaphorical razor you swallowed sliced your heart in half.
Steve hugged Bucky, whispering something to him and his blue eyes searched for you, disbelief written all over his face. He started to make his way to you, but stopped just before he could reach you, his eyes trailed over your figure, tears brimmed his eyes “Doll, I -”
You cleared your throat, shifting your demeanour from heart broken and love sick back to someone you swore you never wanted to be again and that was Miss America “We have a fight to win Sargent.”
He blinked a few times, shifting his gaze to Steve and he shrugged in return, he turned back to you “But I - “
Steve came up beside him “She’s right Buck”
Bucky looked like he was having an internal battle within himself before he nodded and the team made their way to the battle ground, Bucky never leaving your side, his pace stayed with you the whole time until the fight started, he kissed Natasha on the cheek wishing her good luck, before he got the chance to say something to you, your back was already turned getting in your fight stance.
You lost him for a while during the battle, while still keeping an eye on him without being too obvious. You did the same with Steve you knew he was more than capable and was no longer that little boy from brooklyn, even though you were still mad at him he was still your best friend, well one of them.
The fight dragged on, and when you thought you had any possible chance of winning, people started turning to dust all around you “no no no” you mumbled running closer to Steve, your eyes locked with Bucky “Y/n….” he trailed off before he was completely gone.
F i v e whole years.
Five whole years of losing Bucky again, five years of growing so close to Natasha you would consider her your best friend. It was just you two in the compound, you came back to the whole superhero lifestyle and tried your best to do anything you could to keep things running smoothly. It was hard half the fucking world was missing, but your whole world was.
You wanted to hate Natasha you did, she had everything you ever wanted in the palm of her hands and yet you couldn’t. She was everything you aspired to be. You were nothing like her and it made sense why Bucky kept anything you thought you had in the dark, it wasn’t because you thought he was savouring it, soaking up every moment, no it was because he was ashamed.
You wanted nothing more than to hate her, it would have made things so much easier but she was just as amazing as everyone made her out to be, you hoped you could somehow find a way to get Bucky back and selfishly you hoped he would wildy confess his undenying love to you but you knew that would never happen, and at the same time you were rooting for them, he was your everything then and she was your everything now.
You could push your heart break aside for decades again couldn’t you?
Could you die from a broken heart? You hoped it would make everything so much easier.
But you didn’t and here you were about to do fucking time travel. Standing on the platform you tried to tune out all the energy and nerves you could feel radiating off of everyone, a hand found its way on your shoulder “Were gonna get him back Natasha smiled at you before turning to the rest of your teammates, her family “See you in a minute”
“You know, i thought living as long as i have would have been the craziest thing to ever happen to me” You smiled thinking of all the crazy shit you experienced in your overly lived lifetime.
“But here we are, in space going to some place called Vormir, don’t be too full of yourself y/n’’ You laughed, bumping your shoulder against hers.
“Welcome” A voice echoed behind you. Grabbing your knife, Natasha reached for her gun. “Natasha, daughter of Ivan. Y/n, daughter of Lilith.
As you both made your way forward you tensed immediately recognizing who is in front of you.
“Who are you?” Natasha questioned, your knives still raised.
“Consider me a guide, to you and to all who seek the Soul Stone”
You eyed her cautiously before taking a step forward “Oh good, you tell us where it is, then we’ll be on our way”
Red skull looked at you “If only it were that easy”
He turned around starting to move forward, you looked at Natasha, she shrugged in response and then the two of you followed him near the edge of a cliff, what looked to be a sunset in the distance.
“What you seek lies in front of you, as does what you fear”
Natsha pushed ahead peering over the edge “The stones down there” Her back to you.
“For one of you” Red skull respond
You were overwhelmed, you could feel the stone, you could feel the calmness, the sureness radating off of Natasha, her pure willingness. Your feet dragged you forward, peaking over hoping the stone would be in reach, which you knew it wouldn’t be, because it would be crazy for something to be that easy.
“For the other” He continued “You must lose that which you love, an everlasting exchange” He paused dramatically, you swallowed the lump in your throat “A soul for a soul”
She took your hand in hers, pulling you away from the ledge. Taking a seat on a rock, while you leaned on one. You knew what you had to do, what had to be done “Y’know, I think our hopefully chatter doomed us”
She smiled at you “We cant seem to ever catch a break huh?”
“People like us never really do it seems”
She stood up turning to face you “And here i thought we found a little bit of break in each other the last 5 years”
You smiled back at her “It’s always too good to be true”
“Whatever it takes” She took your hand in hers
Swallowing back the lump in your throat “Whatever it takes”
She stared in your eyes, you felt nothing but love and longing radiating off of her “If we don’t get that stone y/n, millions of people stay dead, Barnes stays dead”
Nodding in agreement “He deserves a life Nat” You placed your other hand on hers “A great one and you —“
“I’m starting to think we mean different people here y/n”
“For the last five years Nat, all we’ve been trying to do is get to right here, that’s all its been about. Bringing every body back, getting Bucky back”
“Don’t you get all sappy on me now y/n/n”
“Nat..” you trailed off
“You think I want to do this? I’m trying to save your life you idiot”
You squeezed her hand “Yeah, well I don’t want you to. I’ve lived long enough Nat, this would be a great way to go” You smiled back your tears “Bucky has you, i have you” you looked off towards the sunset “It’s not that bad of a sight, y’know if its the last thing i see”
She placed her free hand on your cheek, turning your head to face her again “I loved Bucky” her eyes piercing into yours “But i love you more”
“No, Nat -“
“I wasn’t finished” Her thumb swept one out of a dozen fallen tears finding their way down your cheek “But he could never love me, his heart belonged to someone else but the little piece of it i got to see” she took a deep breath “was so good, so i know that when i do this it’ll be worth everything for you to finally get whats already been yours”
You shook your head as she brought your forehead to hers before she continued “Whatever it takes”
You savoured this moment the best and longest you could “Okay, you win” You released her hand before sweeping your leg under hers, placing your arm across her chest and pinning her down “Tell Bucky and Steve i love them”
She grunted before hitting your arm, and using her legs to flip you around before standing up and pointing her widow bite at you “You tell em’ yourself” before shooting it at you, an electrical charge attacked your body.
She started to run towards the edge before you recovered, grabbing your knife and aiming it at her leg grazing the side enough to knock her down.
Before you started to charge at full speed to the edge, as you were about to fall, she wrapped her arms around you shooting your grappling hook at the top of the cliff, you both swung back at full force smashing into the edge, you looked up “No no no” you tighten your grip on her but you could feel her slipping “How do you know i love you! This could be for nothing you dont know”
“I know”
You tried to reach her with your other hand for a better grip but failed
“Let me go”
“No” you sobbed “No please no”
“Its okay” she smiled
“Please” Tears were burning down your face, before she kicked off the wall her arm ripped from your grip.
“No!” You screamed till your throat was raw, as you looked down you saw her lifeless body laying there.
Everything went black and you could hear water running, you sat up frantically, you were no longer hanging off the cliff, as you lifted your hand out of the water a single stone laid in it. Your tears meshed with the water before you were being brought back.
“Did we get ‘em all?”
“Are you telling me this actually worked?”
You dropped to the ground, cheeks raw from crying, you could feel all eyes on you, “Y/n? Where’s Nat?” Bruce questioned, you turned to look at Steve, shaking your head no, avoiding all the other eyes because you wouldn’t dare look into there eyes, you were nothing to them.
TW: This story mentions su!cide read ad your own risk.
Word Count: 2k
A/N: I feel bad for not posting for awhile so I just went through my drafts and found this to post in the mean time. Im currently moving so super busy so having a hard time making time to write! Sorry x
Do you ever get to that point where everything just feels so god damn heavy.
Like the air around you is holding you down making it hard to even take a step forward and you want nothing more than to move forward but your stuck here watching everyone around you move on, leaving you in the dust because that’s where you were right now and every you loved was so far ahead you could no long reach forward and hold on to them for any kind of support.
The only thing you could do was fall, and you wanted to stay standing on your feet but the air was so heavy and your legs were giving out.
“Y/n?”
“Mmm?” Your eyes were darted up, searching for the face to the voice
Sam sighed raising his hand “I’m right here”
“Im sorry i was just in a daze”
He gave you a sad smile, his arms crossing over his chest “That’s been happening a lot lately, are you doing okay?”
Were you okay? How could you even answer that when you didn’t even know, you didn’t want to lie to Sam, it was Sam,he was your person when Bucky wasn’t here and Bucky hasn’t been here for 2 weeks because of a steak out mission he was on with Steve and you weren’t allowed to go because they only needed two people and you weren’t even in there roaster to be considered because of the incident.
You wouldn’t even call it an ‘incident’ because it was just a misunderstanding.
You weren’t suicidal at least you didn’t think you were at least not then, you didn’t mean to overdose but when you get tortured for 4 whole weeks the amount of pain your in after is a lot and you had a high pain tolerance so that was saying something you accidentally miscalculated when you were suppose to take your pain medication so you may have taken too much at once but everything hurt so fucking bad and you couldn’t wake Bucky because he barley got enough sleep and he looked so peaceful that night the way his eyelashes fluttered gently, and his perfect petal pink lips were slightly parted, no because that would have been selfish and the pain meds numbed everything anyway.
So you were on watch, even though that incidentwas a complete accident. Tony benched you until Cho cleared you and she wasn’t gonna clear you till Sam told her his honest opinion since you were abso-fucking-lutely not talking to another of of Stark’s half assed therapists and with Sam’s experience at the VA, they gave him the go ahead.
Here you were sitting on a couch in one of the compounds many meeting rooms with Sam sitting on a chair still staring at you waiting for a response. You loved Sam. He was patient, kind, empathetic and gave the best hugs. But you still didn’t have an answer for him.
You cleared your throat “When’s Bucky supposed to be back?”
“I’m not sure, check in is in —“ he paused to look at his phone “in about an hour”
You nodded, clicking your tongue trying to muster up the best smile you could, swallowing back the burning feeling in your throat fiddling your thumbs together.
“Y/n, you didn’t answer my question, i dont wanna push you but i care about you, your one of my best friends and i need you to be honest with me”
His brown eyes were peering into yours, they were soft with a hint of concern sparkling in them. Your heart rate started to spike, your palms were getting clammy, your eye sight blurring as tears threatened to spill over.
That heaviness you felt before was pushing you further into the leather couch, your palms were sticking to it like glue. You stood up abruptly your fight or flight kicking in “I can’t do this Sammy, i just can’t, its too much”
He stood up his hands were on your shoulders “You’re having a panic attack y/n, i need you to breathe with me”
You were shaking your head side to side, trying to follow his breathing but you had tunnel vision and the walls were caving in, the only thing you could see at the end of the tunnel washim “I need Bucky, i need Bucky, Sam” your hands were clawing at your throat trying to open it up to let air in “i need him, i can’t do this” You ran past him and out of the room, out of the compound.
Maybe if you kept running you could run to wherever Bucky was and you could be safe again, maybe the weight would be lifted off your shoulders.
You couldn’t breathe the air was suffocating you, the scars littering your body were burning, the ache in your heart was the only thing you could feel, the darkness clouding your mind telling you to go just close your eyes forever and all these feelings would just disappear, then you’d be how like you were before.
Before hydra, 4 months ago before they took you and kept you for weeks, before you the team finally found you, before you accidentally overdosed, before you were benched and before Bucky jumped at any chance to go on a mission to get away from who you were now. God you just wanted to go back to when you were you and not whoever you were now.
You couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe everyone might be better off without you.
If you weren’t here Sam wouldn’t be wasting a very rare day off spending the afternoon with you when you know he would much rather be anywhere else. If you weren’t here Bucky and Steve wouldn’t be steaking out the hydra base you escaped from. Tony wouldn’t have had to have held a press meeting taking away from his time with Pepper, Clint wouldn’t have come out of retirement to try and find you, Peter wouldn’t of missed the spring dance when he got the call they found you.
Everyone would definitely be better off without you.
Your thoughts were so loud you didn’t even hear the voice coming from behind you till you felt a hand touch your shoulder, you whipped around and it was Sam, he was holding his hand up letting you know he wasn’t going to hurt you like they did. He reached the phone out to you “It’s for you”
You shakily extended your hand grasping the phone in your hand bringing it to your ear, you didn’t say anything, you couldn’t say anything you were too busy trying to hold onto any air that you could.
“Doll?”
At the sound of his voice you choked out a sob and your knees gave out.
“You need to breathe for me okay? Can you try and do that please?”
You nodded frantically even though he couldn’t see you, you knew he would be able to hear the way your breathing slightly evened out.
You kept your eyes shut not bearing the possible waterfall that would escape them if you opened them. Maybe if the longer you kept the shut the better the chance you would have of drowning from the inside out.
“Good, that’s my girl” He paused waiting for you to respond but when he never did he continued “Sam told me what happened, are you okay?”
You shook your head no.
“Doll, i need you to talk to me”
“No” Your voice was quiet
You could hear him stand up, a chair sounded like it was being pushed back, and Steve mumbled something to him “What’s wrong? Were all here for you doll”
“But your not here Bucky”
He said something, you’re sure he did but the voice in your head was too loud to hear anything but your heart pounding in your ears.
You opened your eyes, staring at Sam as he was standing just a few feet away, you could see the worry lacing his face and you felt nothing but guilt, this was all your fault Bucky was risking the call being traced by hydra because of you.
You were selfish, you didn’t think of how much pain you were causing the people you loved the most around you, all because you weren’t strong enough to fight through the memories of what Hydra did to you. You were pathetic because Bucky went through 70 years of torture and you went through 4 weeks and were ripping at the seams.
You didn’t deserve any of them, you didn’t deserve to be an Avenger, you didn’t deserve to be here.
You were kneeling on the damp ground just at the base of where the trees surrounded the compound, past Sam you could see Tony pacing on the phone, surely talking to Ross about you and why the call was dragging past a minute.
And you knew, knew what had to be done.
Your bottom lip trembled “I love you James, so much” before you clicked the end button on the phone.
You sighed wiping away your tears, when Sam saw you pull the phone away from your ear he rushed over to help you up “How do you feel?”
“Thanks Sam” you handed him back the phone “for everything”
He put his arm around your shoulder holding you close to him “Of course y/n, what’s family for?”
The two of you made your way back towards the compound, Tony was no longer on the phone his arms were crossed at this chest “You okay kid?”
“I’m sorry”
He pulled you in for a hug “Nonsense, i needed someone to banter with today and he was the perfect candidate, so i should be thanking you”
You offered the best smile you could, you knew Tony saw right through it but he never said anything “Well i don’t know about you the two of you but i’m starving, was thinking pizza? Bump movie night up, my schedule is clear so that means everyone else’s is to”
Sam clapped his hands together “Now that’s the best idea i’ve ever heard come out of your mouth Stark”
A small laugh left your lips, you were gonna miss this.
“I’m gonna let that slide bird brain only because it made my favourite Avenger laugh”
“I’m gonna go to my room and freshen up okay?” you gestured to the dirt on you pants
“Yeah of course y/n/n, I got Friday on the pizza order, you think of a movie you wanna watch, Wilson will get the rest of the team and say we’ll see each other in an hour?”
You hugged Sam and Tony one last time “Sounds good boys, thank you for everything”
As you started to walk away you heard Tony tell “Uh were men?” and Sam laughed shouting “Don’t mention it”
By the time you got to your room, your mind was 99% made up.
The 1% you kept lingering on was Bucky. Would he miss you? Because you would miss him with everything in you. But you staying was going to hurt him more than you leaving. It was for the best, this was all for the best.
You sat down at your desk grabbing a pen and paper you started writing, the words flowed out like you were aching to say them for a long time, like somewhere inside of you had already thought and planned this out ages ago, but only now was it finally being executed.
This was where your story was meant to end, you were sure of it. You served your purpose, paid all your dues, it was your turn for peace and this was the only way you could think of finding it, if there was any.
You lined all 6 letters across the surface, smiling to yourself when they were spread perfectly, your eyes lingered on Bucky’s name and you picked it up, placing a kiss on his name, hugging it to your chest “I’m sorry” you said to no one but to everyone all at the same time.
Clicking the bathroom door shut, you turned the shower on, stepping in full clothed. You let out a shaky breath, a smile found its place on your face as your vision clouded, you were gonna see Natasha again.
You let the warm water soothe your skin, soaking in every droplet as you reached for the safety razor.
TW: This story mentions su!cide read ad your own risk.
Word Count: 2k
A/N: I feel bad for not posting for awhile so I just went through my drafts and found this to post in the mean time. Im currently moving so super busy so having a hard time making time to write! Sorry x
Do you ever get to that point where everything just feels so god damn heavy.
Like the air around you is holding you down making it hard to even take a step forward and you want nothing more than to move forward but your stuck here watching everyone around you move on, leaving you in the dust because that’s where you were right now and every you loved was so far ahead you could no long reach forward and hold on to them for any kind of support.
The only thing you could do was fall, and you wanted to stay standing on your feet but the air was so heavy and your legs were giving out.
“Y/n?”
“Mmm?” Your eyes were darted up, searching for the face to the voice
Sam sighed raising his hand “I’m right here”
“Im sorry i was just in a daze”
He gave you a sad smile, his arms crossing over his chest “That’s been happening a lot lately, are you doing okay?”
Were you okay? How could you even answer that when you didn’t even know, you didn’t want to lie to Sam, it was Sam,he was your person when Bucky wasn’t here and Bucky hasn’t been here for 2 weeks because of a steak out mission he was on with Steve and you weren’t allowed to go because they only needed two people and you weren’t even in there roaster to be considered because of the incident.
You wouldn’t even call it an ‘incident’ because it was just a misunderstanding.
You weren’t suicidal at least you didn’t think you were at least not then, you didn’t mean to overdose but when you get tortured for 4 whole weeks the amount of pain your in after is a lot and you had a high pain tolerance so that was saying something you accidentally miscalculated when you were suppose to take your pain medication so you may have taken too much at once but everything hurt so fucking bad and you couldn’t wake Bucky because he barley got enough sleep and he looked so peaceful that night the way his eyelashes fluttered gently, and his perfect petal pink lips were slightly parted, no because that would have been selfish and the pain meds numbed everything anyway.
So you were on watch, even though that incidentwas a complete accident. Tony benched you until Cho cleared you and she wasn’t gonna clear you till Sam told her his honest opinion since you were abso-fucking-lutely not talking to another of of Stark’s half assed therapists and with Sam’s experience at the VA, they gave him the go ahead.
Here you were sitting on a couch in one of the compounds many meeting rooms with Sam sitting on a chair still staring at you waiting for a response. You loved Sam. He was patient, kind, empathetic and gave the best hugs. But you still didn’t have an answer for him.
You cleared your throat “When’s Bucky supposed to be back?”
“I’m not sure, check in is in —“ he paused to look at his phone “in about an hour”
You nodded, clicking your tongue trying to muster up the best smile you could, swallowing back the burning feeling in your throat fiddling your thumbs together.
“Y/n, you didn’t answer my question, i dont wanna push you but i care about you, your one of my best friends and i need you to be honest with me”
His brown eyes were peering into yours, they were soft with a hint of concern sparkling in them. Your heart rate started to spike, your palms were getting clammy, your eye sight blurring as tears threatened to spill over.
That heaviness you felt before was pushing you further into the leather couch, your palms were sticking to it like glue. You stood up abruptly your fight or flight kicking in “I can’t do this Sammy, i just can’t, its too much”
He stood up his hands were on your shoulders “You’re having a panic attack y/n, i need you to breathe with me”
You were shaking your head side to side, trying to follow his breathing but you had tunnel vision and the walls were caving in, the only thing you could see at the end of the tunnel washim “I need Bucky, i need Bucky, Sam” your hands were clawing at your throat trying to open it up to let air in “i need him, i can’t do this” You ran past him and out of the room, out of the compound.
Maybe if you kept running you could run to wherever Bucky was and you could be safe again, maybe the weight would be lifted off your shoulders.
You couldn’t breathe the air was suffocating you, the scars littering your body were burning, the ache in your heart was the only thing you could feel, the darkness clouding your mind telling you to go just close your eyes forever and all these feelings would just disappear, then you’d be how like you were before.
Before hydra, 4 months ago before they took you and kept you for weeks, before you the team finally found you, before you accidentally overdosed, before you were benched and before Bucky jumped at any chance to go on a mission to get away from who you were now. God you just wanted to go back to when you were you and not whoever you were now.
You couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe everyone might be better off without you.
If you weren’t here Sam wouldn’t be wasting a very rare day off spending the afternoon with you when you know he would much rather be anywhere else. If you weren’t here Bucky and Steve wouldn’t be steaking out the hydra base you escaped from. Tony wouldn’t have had to have held a press meeting taking away from his time with Pepper, Clint wouldn’t have come out of retirement to try and find you, Peter wouldn’t of missed the spring dance when he got the call they found you.
Everyone would definitely be better off without you.
Your thoughts were so loud you didn’t even hear the voice coming from behind you till you felt a hand touch your shoulder, you whipped around and it was Sam, he was holding his hand up letting you know he wasn’t going to hurt you like they did. He reached the phone out to you “It’s for you”
You shakily extended your hand grasping the phone in your hand bringing it to your ear, you didn’t say anything, you couldn’t say anything you were too busy trying to hold onto any air that you could.
“Doll?”
At the sound of his voice you choked out a sob and your knees gave out.
“You need to breathe for me okay? Can you try and do that please?”
You nodded frantically even though he couldn’t see you, you knew he would be able to hear the way your breathing slightly evened out.
You kept your eyes shut not bearing the possible waterfall that would escape them if you opened them. Maybe if the longer you kept the shut the better the chance you would have of drowning from the inside out.
“Good, that’s my girl” He paused waiting for you to respond but when he never did he continued “Sam told me what happened, are you okay?”
You shook your head no.
“Doll, i need you to talk to me”
“No” Your voice was quiet
You could hear him stand up, a chair sounded like it was being pushed back, and Steve mumbled something to him “What’s wrong? Were all here for you doll”
“But your not here Bucky”
He said something, you’re sure he did but the voice in your head was too loud to hear anything but your heart pounding in your ears.
You opened your eyes, staring at Sam as he was standing just a few feet away, you could see the worry lacing his face and you felt nothing but guilt, this was all your fault Bucky was risking the call being traced by hydra because of you.
You were selfish, you didn’t think of how much pain you were causing the people you loved the most around you, all because you weren’t strong enough to fight through the memories of what Hydra did to you. You were pathetic because Bucky went through 70 years of torture and you went through 4 weeks and were ripping at the seams.
You didn’t deserve any of them, you didn’t deserve to be an Avenger, you didn’t deserve to be here.
You were kneeling on the damp ground just at the base of where the trees surrounded the compound, past Sam you could see Tony pacing on the phone, surely talking to Ross about you and why the call was dragging past a minute.
And you knew, knew what had to be done.
Your bottom lip trembled “I love you James, so much” before you clicked the end button on the phone.
You sighed wiping away your tears, when Sam saw you pull the phone away from your ear he rushed over to help you up “How do you feel?”
“Thanks Sam” you handed him back the phone “for everything”
He put his arm around your shoulder holding you close to him “Of course y/n, what’s family for?”
The two of you made your way back towards the compound, Tony was no longer on the phone his arms were crossed at this chest “You okay kid?”
“I’m sorry”
He pulled you in for a hug “Nonsense, i needed someone to banter with today and he was the perfect candidate, so i should be thanking you”
You offered the best smile you could, you knew Tony saw right through it but he never said anything “Well i don’t know about you the two of you but i’m starving, was thinking pizza? Bump movie night up, my schedule is clear so that means everyone else’s is to”
Sam clapped his hands together “Now that’s the best idea i’ve ever heard come out of your mouth Stark”
A small laugh left your lips, you were gonna miss this.
“I’m gonna let that slide bird brain only because it made my favourite Avenger laugh”
“I’m gonna go to my room and freshen up okay?” you gestured to the dirt on you pants
“Yeah of course y/n/n, I got Friday on the pizza order, you think of a movie you wanna watch, Wilson will get the rest of the team and say we’ll see each other in an hour?”
You hugged Sam and Tony one last time “Sounds good boys, thank you for everything”
As you started to walk away you heard Tony tell “Uh were men?” and Sam laughed shouting “Don’t mention it”
By the time you got to your room, your mind was 99% made up.
The 1% you kept lingering on was Bucky. Would he miss you? Because you would miss him with everything in you. But you staying was going to hurt him more than you leaving. It was for the best, this was all for the best.
You sat down at your desk grabbing a pen and paper you started writing, the words flowed out like you were aching to say them for a long time, like somewhere inside of you had already thought and planned this out ages ago, but only now was it finally being executed.
This was where your story was meant to end, you were sure of it. You served your purpose, paid all your dues, it was your turn for peace and this was the only way you could think of finding it, if there was any.
You lined all 6 letters across the surface, smiling to yourself when they were spread perfectly, your eyes lingered on Bucky’s name and you picked it up, placing a kiss on his name, hugging it to your chest “I’m sorry” you said to no one but to everyone all at the same time.
Clicking the bathroom door shut, you turned the shower on, stepping in full clothed. You let out a shaky breath, a smile found its place on your face as your vision clouded, you were gonna see Natasha again.
You let the warm water soothe your skin, soaking in every droplet as you reached for the safety razor.
A/N: Not edited or proof read, next couple chapters gonna be pretty angsty, I promise one of the next parts will finally have the reader/bucky content.
After you were sure everyone was settled and no one would get in your way on the way to your room you finally left the jet. You felt like a ghost, your clothes smelt like a wet towel, your hair was frizzy and waving, only two things went well for you today: the overall mission of whatever those things were although you were sure they would be back, and that everyone on the team was safe.
You were trying your best to not focus on what you didn’t do, what you failed to do but what you could still do. You could run away and make sure you were never found, you could pretend you were okay and the whole thing was a misunderstanding, you could spill your guts to everyone but you weren’t sure which was the best option, you were praying they would be fourth.
When you finally made it to your room you couldn’t help but stop and stare at Bucky’s door just for a second, your hand lingering on yours a little part of you hoping he would sense you there and would open the door. The events of what happened mere weeks or was it months ago, replaying in your mind. You shuttered at the thought of it all, you slammed your door shut and instructed Friday to not let anyone in under any circumstances. You had tons of things you should be thinking about but your mind could only think of one thing, one person and that was Bucky.
You didn’t know what to make of the situation with Bucky. You could admit the timing of everything was absolutely horrible and you were absolutely not thinking straight when you did what you did. You were blinded by the darkness that was in you, the rage that’s in you, the guilt of every drop of blood that was on your hands and maybe this was your punishment for everything you had done wrong in life which was a lot. You didn’t even think of how it might affect certain people and by certain people you only meant two people, your ‘sister’ and Bucky.
Bucky would think it was his fault and of course it wouldn’t be it’s not like he pushed you over the edgeliterally, he actually jumped down with you, which made things even more confusing. No, he was just a factor to the whole equation, a huge factor but it was again your fault you relied on him too much for your own happiness it was greedy, right? Of course it was and that was the first mistake you made in the disaster of finally having your own life back after the Red Room. You didn’t even want to think of the three words you always dreamed of coming out of this mouth and when they finally did you thought you would feel more, you thought you would be overjoyed but you didn’t. Did you even want to be loved?
And god, your sister, you had loved her unconditionally and surely you could have told her how you were feeling but she would either call you a baby, tell you everyone has their own shit or she would cuddle you, you weren’t sure which option you wanted so you just never said anything. When you wanted, no needed someone the night you confessed your love to Bucky only to have the door slammed in your face you wanted to go to her but she would just simply tell you love was for children and you knew of her pass with Buc – the winter soldier. But when Sam said what he said about the noises he heard coming from Bucky’s room that night you could only assume the only person he would have in his room at that hour doing thatwas her because of their history and you couldn’t be mad at her you knew you couldn’t she didn’t know, no one knew to them it was just playful flirting between Bucky and you. But it didn’t mean it hurt, Natasha was your sister after all, the betrayal you felt was still there even if her knowledge of the love you had for Bucky wasn’t.
“I knew she was sad, i just didn’t know she was that sad” Wanda breathed out, after listening to what Sam had to say.
“Aren’t we all though? We all have baggage but nobody jumps off cliffs because of it” Natasha mumbled, picking at her nails.
All eyes snapped to her, Sam was quick to rebuttal “That’s a little harsh don’t you think?”
“Maybe a little but that wasn’t the point i was trying to make” She sighed leaning forward.
You came around the corner “Then what was it?“ You cocked your head to the side.
When no one said anything you laughed, it wasn’t a humorous laugh, it was dry and filled with pain “Weird my ears were bleeding like someone was talking about me, had to find out for myself” you grabbed a drink from the bar pouring yourself a glass of whisky, taking a sip “Oh please do continue, just pretend i’m not here” you winked.
“Y/n…” Sam took a cautious step forward eyeing his teammates.
You slammed the glass down “Really? No one has anything to say?” You started to pace “So you all freely can talk about me and the situation you know nothing about behind my back but when I am here” You gestured to the room, to everyone “Standing in front of you, no one cares? No one has anything to say?” You were almost yelling, your voice was raised suely echoing through the compound.
You weren’t going to lie to yourself. It felt good to yell, to finally express the emotions you were stacking on top of one another and pushing down for so long. But the longer the silence dragged on for, the longer you stared at the people that were supposed to be your family, the one you didn’t feel a part of anymore. You couldn’t help but think of all the times you were there, shoulders to cry on, the ears they wanted to, all the times you made sure they were truly okay, hoping that they would see that you weren’t okay, that you were just falling deeper and deeper into a hole.
“I am standing right here” Your voice no longer warranting the force it had just moments ago, but instead it was cracking at the seams “I am right here” your chest was rising and falling rapidly “I was hurting” a sharp inhale “i am hurting and i’ve always been here” a shaky exhale “I’ve always been here for all of you. I’m here now and you’re all here but no one is ever really there”
Natasha was the one that took a step forward, she just stared at you, the fire in her eyes burning into yours. Nat and you were close, she was your sister, the two of you a product of the same environment, you both lost each other along the way but when she escaped you were punished for her doing so, and was handed over to Hydra to be used as lab rat or a punching bag i depended on the day, while she was joining SHIELD. Her only request and requirement for joining the avengers was they had to find you and after ultron they did, you were finally home she said but nothing ever felt like home till Bucky.
Her voice firm and unwavering, ready for a challenge, her fist clenched “You were being selfish”
You were stunned, you flinched at her words, shock taking over your body soon followed by pure rage “I was, I was what? I was hurting! I am hurting”
“We’re all hurting!” She screamed a slight crack in her voice “But you don’t see us doing what you tried to do” Her finger jabbed into your shoulder pushing your back.
Tony came from behind Natasha placing a hand on her shoulder “Alright let’s calm down” She shrugged it off giving you a look you have never seen on her face, before she tried to stomped out of the room but your feet pulled you forward, heart racing “No, you don’t get to say that and leave!”
“Were done here” she whipped around “Im done”
You blinked, you could feel burning rage creeping its way up your spine “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I risked my life to save you! I risked my career to save you and this is how you repay me?” Her water line was brimming with tears, she scoffed “Your no sister of mine, my sister would never do something like that.”
You swallowed down your anger and betrayal “Your right” you smiled “Were not sisters and we haven’t been for a long time and we never will be again, Im done here” You turned to face the rest of the group “I quit”
Happy Wednesday! I won’t be posting anything for almost a week because I have family coming in so I thought id give y'all I little sneak peek since its been awhile since I update that series lol
“You stopped coming so i stopped showing up i checked out”
“I wasn’t ready to have someone rely on me like that, i was still healing myself”
“We started this journey together and you just left me in the dust”
“Don’t you dare put that on me!” His voice was hoarse, the vein in his neck prominent.
You dragged your hand down your face “It’s not fair! It’s not fair that I was there for you, for everything! And y-you just left me behind like i was nothing!”
Happy Wednesday! I won’t be posting anything for almost a week because I have family coming in so I thought id give y'all I little sneak peek since its been awhile since I update that series lol
“You stopped coming so i stopped showing up i checked out”
“I wasn’t ready to have someone rely on me like that, i was still healing myself”
“We started this journey together and you just left me in the dust”
“Don’t you dare put that on me!” His voice was hoarse, the vein in his neck prominent.
You dragged your hand down your face “It’s not fair! It’s not fair that I was there for you, for everything! And y-you just left me behind like i was nothing!”
“I am standing right here” Your voice no longer warranting the force it had just moments ago, but instead it was cracking at the seams “I am right here” your chest was rising and falling rapidly “I was hurting” a sharp inhale “i am hurting and i’ve always been here” a shaky exhale “I’ve always been here for all of you. I’m here now and you’re all here but no one is ever really there”
Bucky Barnes x reader, singledad!Bucky, Riley and Piper Barnes, Steve Rogers
Summary:This is the first year Bucky has invited someone special to join in on their Thanksgiving dinner.Will everything go smoothly?
Warnings:some swearing, some sly sexual conversation
A/N:I originally wrote this piece for Canadian Thanksgiving but here we are! I hope you enjoy another moment with the Barnes family.
For as long as his girls have been in this world, Bucky has been passionate about baking. He figures this came to fruition when his ex-wife started spending more time out of the house and preferred being away on business trips than building a life with him and their young girls. As their relationship slowly deteriorated, Bucky found solace in pastries, cookies, and breads. Navigating his way through forums and how-to videos online, searching for recipes like he once hunted for his latest mission.
His girls had requested their favourites for this last-minute weekend celebration. Pumpkin pie with maple cream, pumpkin walnut scones, and a new treat he was testing out today, pumpkin spiced doughnuts with maple salted glaze, and for his sweet lady friend; a pecan pie.
Framework: Chapter 1 | Chapter2-[Request] Bucky x reader songfic where he pushes her away and they break up but he’s miserable without her and it all ends in fluff and apologies
In My Home: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 - After Wakanda opens its borders, you begin working in Shuri’s lab as part of an all-women STEM program, and you meet a certain White Wolf. What starts out as mutual bonding over science turns into much more than you ever could have anticipated.
New Beginnings - Chapter 1 | Chapter 2-[Request] Can you please write a bucky imagine where you really want kids but because of his troubled past and guilt, he doesn’t want them? He feels like they will be ashamed of him. But he finally agrees, and it ends with fluff/romance/baby excitement
Hope for the Holidays (Ch 1/?) - After finding out that Bucky is Jewish and hasn’t celebrated Hanukkah in decades, the reader enlists the Jewish Maximoff twins to help her plan a special Hanukkah dinner for him that leaves him saying three words he never thought would be able to come off his tongue after his time as the Winter Soldier.
Unsteady -[Request] An imagine where Bucky x reader have a shower together after Bucky has come back from a rough mission
Family Don’t End in Blood (x platonic!reader)-[Request] The reader is an orphaned teenager and was brainwashed like Bucky and she used to work for Hydra ‘cause she was good at fighting and also an elemental, and she stayed with Bucky after they escaped & they know what each other went through so they’re like really really good friends and they think of each as family. Could you maybe do a scene from civil war or just a scene from before where they’re just like living together or something?
Dog Days Are Over:Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4- [Request]The reader is taking their dog for a walk but it gets excited and runs off, and since it’s such a big dog, the reader loses their grip on the leash. They chase after the dog, and they turn a corner just in time to see their dog jump onto a stranger (Bucky) and knock him down
Let Yourself Love - [Request]Bucky x single!mom where the team goes to the carnival and everyone partners up leaving the reader alone; Bucky notices her eyeing a big teddy bear as she sadly walks off so he wins it for her and the guy says “that man told me to give this to you”. After the man tells her, she doesn’t see anyone, so she’s confused until later on Bucky asks her did she like the bear and she tells him she’s gonna give it to her daughter then realizes he won it for her.
Stay With Me- [Request] Bucky x Reader where we (reader, lol) go out on a Shield mission, and almost don’t come back? (I cant get enough of the angst/worry.)
Chasing Dreams- [Request] Can you do a story where the reader is the dtr of one if the avengers and is dating bucky? A fluffy story where she’s cooking dinner or maybe training and likes to sing a lot? And Bucky walks in on her one time where she thinks she’s alone and comments on how she should drop the superhero thing for the stage?
Sing Me To Sleep- [Request]Reader is woken up by a scream and realizes that it’s Bucky having a nightmare. Reader calms him down and makes sure he’s ok and he asks you to stay with him.
Burning Love- [Request]Could you do an imagine where the reader introduces post-Winter Soldier Bucky to Elvis? Can it be really fluffy too?
Hearts Will Be Glowing-[Request]Reader has a crush on Bucky and Bucky has a crush on reader but both are stubborn as hell and will not admit it. So the other Avengers decided to bring mistletoe into the equation and they manage to trap Bucky and reader beneath the mistletoe where the two wind up kissing each other and it turns into a fluff-fest/makeout and they admit their shared feelings.
Tangled- [Request] BUCKY GETS HIS METAL ARM WRAPPED IN CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
All I Want- [Request]“MET WHILE PRESENT SHOPPING AND NEARLY TIPPED OVER A DISPLAY BECAUSE DAMN YOU’RE HOT”
hey! how are you all doing? look at me venturing more into the mcu, ikr, get me! based of this dodie song, and it’s set after endgame where steve has left and bucky is sad, meaning the reader is left to try and pick up the pieces he left behind. enjoy! and get ready to be sad!
The steady ticking of the clock on the far wall keeps your mind occupied as you stare up at the blank ceiling. The tower is a lot quieter these days, and you remember thinking not too long ago, how you hoped for just a little bit of peace and quiet instead of the constant chaos that seemed to surround you.
However now, half of the tower is gone and the other half may as well be. Everyone that’s still here stays in their rooms, the thought of leaving and being surrounded by memories of the people you once called family is just too much. At least in your rooms you can pretend that only you exist, that you haven’t had parts of you ripped out.
Listening to the clock has become a bit of a nighttime routine to you, sleep not coming easily anymore, as every time your eyes close you’re reminded of everything you’ve lost. And so it’s easier to just stare and try to forget.
However a strange noise pulls you from the blankness that is your mind, and instead of staring numbly upwards, you’re eyebrows are furrowed as you sit up and look around in search of the source.
You hear it again, and suddenly realize it’s laughter. Somebody’s laughing and now you’re even more confused. Who the hell laughing, especially at 4am. But then the laughter is followed by a sob, clearly whoever it’s coming from is trying to stay quiet, because as soon as you hear it, it’s silenced and a frown takes over your expression.
Leaning forward, you focus on the sad sound and try to figure out just what’s happening. It’s only when you hear it again do you realize where it’s coming from.
Bucky.
A sad pout pulls at your lips and you look down, your eyes blurring with tears. Maybe if you were stronger, you could go and see him. It’s something you’ve been trying to do for the past few weeks. But as soon as you make it to the door, he tells you to go away.
But even if he did let you in, you’re not sure you would know what to say or do. He just wants Steve, and to be honest, you want the same. Maybe Steve would find a way to make it so that you could help him. He could send you a sign and suddenly you’d be strong and you’d knock on Bucky’s door and assure him that he isn’t alone, that the knots that are currently tying up his insides can be undone, if only he could see that there are people who want to help him.
And then something clicks in you.
Maybe it’s Steve or Nat or even Tony trying to help you, or maybe it’s the fact that if you listen to the clock ticking, counting down the seconds until you eventually give in a sink into your mattress, you’ll never get up again. You’re still an avenger at the end of the day. And if you can go up against Thanos and win…sort of…then you can try and get through to Bucky again.
So, you push yourself up and force yourself to leave the safeness of your room. The hallway feeling cold and grey as you slowly walk the two doors down to his room.
You take a deep breath, deciding that you’re no use just standing outside of his door. He clearly needs somebody, and it seems there’s not a lot of you left now. But with the person he needs the most no longer here you raise your hand and knock three times on the door, waiting with bated breath for him answer.
“Go away Y/n.” He sighs, his voice sounding raspy, the lack of sleep and continuous tears not doing anything to help the fact that he was already exhausted before all of this happened.
“Okay.” You nod, despite him not being able to see you. Your hand lowers slowly and you take a deep breath, squeezing your eyes closed for a brief second before spinning on your heel and heading back to your room.
You hear a strangled sob and you stop in your tracks, the sound twisting your heart in a way that makes it almost impossible to breathe, and shaky breathe leaves your lips as you try to will your own tears away.
You turn again, forcing yourself back to his door and ponder the idea of knocking again. But when you decide that it would probably just annoy him more, you instead decide to just opt for a one sided conversation.
“I’ll come back tomorrow.” You say and a sad smile pulls at your lips. You hear him take a deep breath, almost as if he’s about to say something, but whatever it was he decides against it and so you leave him alone. With the hope that he’ll be kinder when you come back, if not to you, to himself.
Author’s Note: This recently happened to a friend of mine and it sparked this idea! Thank you all so much for reading! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️ Divider by my sweet @firefly-graphics thank you love!
Warnings: soft fluff, fun, teasing, Bucky being slightly dramatic and possessive but in a cute way, little spice :)
Gif NOT MINE: Credit goes to @unearthlydust thank you sweets
Bucky’s head is half in the bag of cookies as he walks back over to you and when he looks up his surprise is evident.
“Who’s this doll face?” he asks, his body language immediately changing.
He crosses his arms over his chest, lifting his chin and spreading his legs wide.
“Oh, well um…” you start, but the stranger interrupts.
Author’s Note: This recently happened to a friend of mine and it sparked this idea! Thank you all so much for reading! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️ Divider by my sweet @firefly-graphics thank you love!
Warnings: soft fluff, fun, teasing, Bucky being slightly dramatic and possessive but in a cute way, little spice :)
Gif NOT MINE: Credit goes to @unearthlydust thank you sweets
Bucky’s head is half in the bag of cookies as he walks back over to you and when he looks up his surprise is evident.
“Who’s this doll face?” he asks, his body language immediately changing.
He crosses his arms over his chest, lifting his chin and spreading his legs wide.
“Oh, well um…” you start, but the stranger interrupts.
Author’s Note: This recently happened to a friend of mine and it sparked this idea! Thank you all so much for reading! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️ Divider by my sweet @firefly-graphics thank you love!
Warnings: soft fluff, fun, teasing, Bucky being slightly dramatic and possessive but in a cute way, little spice :)
Gif NOT MINE: Credit goes to @unearthlydust thank you sweets
Bucky’s head is half in the bag of cookies as he walks back over to you and when he looks up his surprise is evident.
“Who’s this doll face?” he asks, his body language immediately changing.
He crosses his arms over his chest, lifting his chin and spreading his legs wide.
“Oh, well um…” you start, but the stranger interrupts.
Author’s Note: This recently happened to a friend of mine and it sparked this idea! Thank you all so much for reading! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️ Divider by my sweet @firefly-graphics thank you love!
Warnings: soft fluff, fun, teasing, Bucky being slightly dramatic and possessive but in a cute way, little spice :)
Gif NOT MINE: Credit goes to @unearthlydust thank you sweets
Bucky’s head is half in the bag of cookies as he walks back over to you and when he looks up his surprise is evident.
“Who’s this doll face?” he asks, his body language immediately changing.
He crosses his arms over his chest, lifting his chin and spreading his legs wide.
“Oh, well um…” you start, but the stranger interrupts.
Bucky narrows his eyes.
“Hey, I’m Ben, an old friend,” the man says.
Bucky looks him over, clearly unimpressed.
“Ben,” Bucky grumbles. “Your ex.”
You wrap your hands around Bucky’s arm and give it a squeeze.
“Yep,” you say with a pop of the p. “So funny running into him here right?”
Bucky doesn’t say anything but Ben smiles, bringing his attention back to you.
“So how have you been? You look amazing by the way,” Ben states.
You can feel Bucky’s muscles go taut and the metal plates in his arm shift and whir as he let’s out a low rumble.
Ben’s smile falters.
“Yeaaaa….” You say quickly, pressing yourself into Bucky’s side. “GOOD! Really good actually. Happy,” you finish confidently.
“That’s great to hear,” Ben says, looking back to Bucky as he shifts nervously on his feet.
“So how do you two know each other?” Ben squeaks out.
“I’m her boyfriend,” Bucky nearly growls.
“Oh right. Of course,” Ben swallows. “How uh, how long have you two been together?” he asks.
“Almost two years,” you say with a genuine smile.
“That’s great! Yea,” Ben answers, his head bobbing up and down as he nods far too enthusiastically. “So, what did you get. I hear this bakery is the best so I had to come try it out even though it’s a little far from when I live.”
“Macarons,” Bucky says. “They’re her favorite.”
Bucky leans down and places a soft kiss to the corner of your mouth, whispering, “I got you a little something extra too. Another favorite.”
“I love you,” you exclaim happily, taking the bag from him.
Ben clears his throat. “Are those the cookies you were always going on about and wanted me to get you…something about feet?” Ben muses.
“Yea,” you answer, your tone expressionless.
“The feet around the edges mean they’re baked properly,” Bucky adds, winking at you.
He looks back to Ben, taking a step into his space. “You know Ben. There are a lot of other bakeries in Brooklyn. I’m sure your neighborhood has one that’s just as good.”
Ben scratches the back of his head, still nodding. “Right. Oh, for sure. Actually, I think I’m gonna see about that right now.”
Ben hesitantly looks your way, muttering, “good to see you,” before practically running out of the bakery. “And uh, nice to meet you Bucky.”
Bucky grunts and takes your hand, pulling you in front of him and resting his hand at the small of your back.
“See you Ben,” you say, waving and trying to hold back your laughter.
“Oh my god Buck!” you exclaim. “For a minute there I thought you were going to punch him.”
You turn and bury your face in his chest with a laugh. “He was so scared!”
“So did I,” Bucky grumbles, sliding his arm around your waist and pulling you closer. “One punch would have been nice. A good left.”
“Bucky,” you admonish but your smile is wide. “You might kill him.”
“Yea I could easily take him,” Bucky scoffs, puffing his chest out.
“You could easily take anybody,” you remind him with a giggle.
“Damn right doll. He better hope we don’t run into him again.”
“Why is that?” you ask, slipping your hand into the bag and pulling out a macaron as you make your way out of the bakery.
“Because I’ll definitely let him have it. You’re mine.”
“All yours Bucky and I’m pretty sure he knows it so you don’t have to worry.”
“What was that bullshit about the cookies? He never bought you cookies?” Bucky asks as his lips turn down.
“Nah. I would hint at it a lot but he never really did things like bringing home a surprise or flowers or anything,” you say with a shrug. “He’s not you.”
Bucky smiles before kissing you softly.
“I bet he didn’t do anything as good as me,” he murmurs, waggling his eyebrows.
“Are you fishing for compliments?” you tease.
“Just the truth,” he says boldly.
You grab his jacket and pull him closer, whispering low enough so only he can hear, but making sure to enunciate your words just right so he knows you mean them.
“No one does it better than you.”
The next morning you wake with a stretch, the smell of Bucky clinging to your skin and you inhale with a happy sigh. You feel for him but the sheets are cold. Grabbing his Henley, you shuffle into the kitchen just as he’s opening the door to your apartment.
“Perfect timing,” he says sweetly, one hand behind his back and a small box in the other.
You rush over to him. “What’s this? And what do you have back there?”
He kisses you, walking you backward toward the kitchen table. Your back gently bumps the wood and he grabs your waist, box still in hand, and lifts you to sit atop it.
“Close your eyes doll,” he says.
You close them, smiling brightly and wiggling back and forth with anticipation.
He lifts the flowers just under your nose and you breathe in, humming at the lovely fragrance.
“Open ‘em doll face.”
The colorful blooms fill your vision and you take in the most beautiful bouquet of wildflowers. All your favorites.
“Bucky,” you whisper, looking at him over the flowers.
“And” he says, holding up the box. “Some goodies for after breakfast.”
“Can I see?” you ask.
He easily rips the tie off the box and opens it for you. Your gasp is followed by a loud shriek of excitement.
“YOU GOT MY BROWNIES TOO!
“Of course,” he murmurs, quieting you with a kiss.
“And a fruit tart,” you whisper against his lips.
“Mm hmm,” he hums, placing he box down and taking the flowers from your hands.
His lips brush your neck, feather light as he makes his way across your jaw and to your mouth.
“I need to put those in water,” you breathe out.
“Definitely,” he agrees as his hands slip under his Henley.
His fingertips ghost up your thigh and when he reaches the bare skin of your hip he nudges your legs open with his thigh.
“What about my cookies?” you ask, grabbing onto his shoulders.
His fingers slide along your inner thigh, his touch teasing when he grazes his finger between your legs.
“After,” he simpers. “Think ya need another reminder that no one does it better than me.”
Pairing: Roommate!Bucky Barnes x Female Reader Summary: Feelings come to light in the most fitting way. Word Count: Over 2.6k Warnings: Pining, fluff, insecurities, feels, idiots in love admitting how they feel (is that a warning?), roommate!Bucky Barnes (he’s a warning, okay?), Alpine still being the best cat ever A/N: Hey, lovelies! We finally get to see how Stud and Smartie get together. And to me, it’s just right. Beta read by the beautiful @maladaptivexxdaydreaming, but any and all mistakes are my own. Banners by the talented @vase-of-lilies. Moodboard by yours truly. Please follow @navybrat817-sideblog for new fics and notifications. Please reblog or comment as it means the world!
The sound of the clock ticking in the quiet apartment taunted you as you sat on the couch. You matched the timing to the rhythm of “Can’t Help Falling In Love” without realizing it until you heard yourself humming the tune. Ever since that night in the kitchen, you found yourself playing the song on repeat when you were alone. You wished you could dance with Bucky every night. It would be a dream come true.
