#creative writer
By Aysel Dilara Kasap
I thought about the light that hid in your eyes
and how sometimes it peeks its head
and smiles at me
a promise of intimacy
I thought about your red palms
your shiny hair and sharp jaw
I thought about what you’d do if I touched you
and whether you’d touch me back
you were a quiet forest at night
I hid in between your branches
until I felt safe enough to live again
you were the space between inhale and exhale
that little moment of letting go
painful but necessary
painful but beautiful
you were so much more than pain
the world is watery milk
it slids down my palms
and I lose touch with the pencil
I try to hold my experiences
count them off in my head, one by one
days stretch in murky grey
weeks are years and months are decades
you wake up one day like I was never there
I dream of shame
the only constant in the ruin of my life
I dream of the hard clench of its claws on my heart softening
I dream of slender necks and elegant faces
pressed against mine
I dream of thin fingers rose tinted from heat and desire
I dream of shouting to the world
that I touched myself the way I wanted to be touched by you
if only you wanted the way I did
if only you carried this shame, too
i dream of exposing my stomach to the world
a death wish, if I thought about it too much
a desire, a fire, a hurricane
the way I felt with you
as if one day I’d stumble and the truth would fall from the tip of my tongue
as if I’d fall and feel the tip of your touch
out
and you made me feel like
I wanted to crawl out of my skin
into a body that was easier to love
a personality that fit yours better
a mind that thought like yours
a soul that was less damaged
I want out
I want out of here
I want out of this body
I want out of this life
I wake up in a cold sweat
and rushed breath
slowly drinking in the mundane reality unlike the one I had just left
what I mean to say is, I’m dreaming of the black half moons again
they lay on a sea of white stretched as far as the eye can see
they cracked me open and I’ll never be the same
something’s different about tonight but I can’t quiet place it
December feels like a day gone stale or a hug unwanted
my dreams aren’t about Layla anymore, but they’re becauseofLayla
on those summer afternoons that knew no mercy
sometimes the heat would melt my memories
sometimes the only thing I remembered was you
the moon seemed to have spilled on your skin
or maybe you really did drink it
I would call you an angel but you wouldn’t like that
you’ve always felt like you belonged with the demons
death is an unwelcome guest tonight
I can feel its eyes on my chest
piercing through my heart
looking for love, for weakness, for love,
tailoring the heavy coat of grief
it’s an oversized fit
my love has always been too big for my bones
will I collapse under it’s heavy weight?
will I wear it like a crown
as if to prove to myself
that I have carried someone’s heart in my hands
and kept it safe till it’s last beat?
as if to prove to others
that that last beat
taught me why
comets were named after people
and when I think about you
it seems unbearable
it seems unbearable
it seems unbearable
you’re gone
you’re gone
you’re gone
and ever cell in my body won’t accept it
we followed eachother’s rhythm
reading between the lines of poetry across our skin, and every heavy exhale
fingers and palms and heartbeats
slow and steady and sometimes passion filled and frantic
you’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe
and maybe I was always meant to know oflove
but never have it
touch it, caress it even, but never hold it
sniff it but never inhale it
I hold my hand out into the dark
take a light swim in the murky waters of trust
but I never saw that light
the warmth, the pounding of the heart as the words ‘I found it’ echo in the dark chambers of my heart
I read about it, write about it, I’m in love with nothing and everything except for anyone that can stay
people hand me their secrets
the opposite of beggars
I take them and hold on to them
put them in my pocket, or bag, or car
whatever fits them
the best kept ones are mine
they’re attached to my veins
all the things I should’ve said
all the words I said and regretted
their sharp edges cut the tissues of my heart
so I walk around, with a heavy heart
a flood of words
drowning my heart more and more everyday
it hurts me
the way you write about me
not with my name
but with your blood
you talk of broken promises and broken trust
betrayal and abandonment
but the reason behind is never mentioned
don’t take sympathy you don’t deserve
half truths, the thinking of blood
you bleed onto paper, but don’t mention what cut you
you speak of me as a person that left like the leaves in the wind
but you don’t speak of my roots intertwined with yours
leaves grow back, roots—once they’re cut off the ground— don’t
praise your friends the way you once did me
talk about them as if they’re your saviours
just don’t forget,
I was once by your side too
I only left to look after my broken branches
don’t forget that once, you broke them
the act of love
is a choice I made
and I make, every day
I choose to lay on my back and expose myself to the world
complete surrender
and everytime the world cracks me open
either from love, or wonder, or hurt
I fall in love with the world even more
don’t turn your back on the world
even if it’s because of hurt
in doing so, you’re also turning your back on love, on love, on love
everybody views me as something to fix
like a broken doll that could be way more than she is now
could be
could be
but I’m not
meet me where I am
meet me where I am
I’m just as human as you
you’re missing from me
you’re missing from me
my heart is out of my chest
hanging on by strings of veins
I rebuilt it, cell by cell
but it’s still sore
I look at the ocean and beg
for it to fill the emptiness in my heart and head
(the place you used to spend your afternoons, if you remember)
but it just fills my lungs with water
I feel like I’m drowning
save me, save me,
mother it’s cold here
pull me out
how can I trust you
when the people I love the most betrayed me
when you grow up with fire licking your veins
how can you trust that the whole world isn’t on fire
how can you stop the fire licking your neck
when people compliment you on your warmness
someday this emptiness will destroy me
someday I’ll only be fragments of who I once was
I miss myself the way someone would miss a lover
only left with the memories of who they were
never able to know who they are now
I’ll grieve the loss of myself
till the day I die
Optimism
You will
