I haven’t posted my poems in a bit, so here’s one I just wrote for Ghostwriter. If you weren’t around when I began this project a little over a month ago, Ghostwriter is going to be a published collection of my poetry walking through my various emotions over the course of a few months. Because I personally deal with severe depression, anxiety, and a few other types of mental health struggles like OCD and paranoia, I wanted to convey both my hopes and fears through my poetry in hopes of spreading awareness of mental health as well as to give hope to those who, like me, struggle on a daily basis to crawl out from under the dark cloud hovering overhead.
This poem is about how hard it is sometimes to respond to friends when you are having a low period, and especially how difficult it can be to actually go out and do something. Obviously, as it is covid, I’m not out running around in the first place. However, even just answering messages is still sometimes avoided without me realizing I’m doing it. Usually, by the time I do notice, I’m already a couple days late and become afraid that my friends might not be happy because I didn’t respond right away. Logically, I know that’s ridiculous, but the thoughts are still there.
Because I know a lot of other people feel the same way about this kind of thing, I wrote this poem to convey that you aren’t alone, and for those of you who feel like you’re being ghosted, don’t give up. Because these ghosts can still be summoned, sometimes you just have to cut through the static first.
I love you all, and I hope everyone has a wonderful day today and everyday after. Let’s finish out this horrible year strong and work together to make 2021 a happier, safer time.
Good Omens TV + (as I like to call them:) “Good Moments”
Listen, I love to hate on Aziraphale’s boss just as much as the next person, but the more that enjoyable antagonism kept returning him into my thoughts, the more I picked up that things are never just black and white in this story… so here it is, a compilation of GO-TV Gabriel’s (relatively) good moments that nobody ever asked for.
Yes, he’s a horrible boss and annoying and full of himself and wants the world to end… but. Most of what he does probably doesn’t come from a place of malice? (I know, I know, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions [and door-to-door salesmen]…) He’s juts as fallible as most of the characters, it just shows differently. But then he also has to have his good side, and moments when that can shine through. And he does:
A) He’s very generous in giving out praise? (See GIFs 1-3.) I wish most authority figures I’ve encountered would be handing out validation that generously. Anyway, a breakdown: 1. Yes, it comes off as being gullible or not paying enough attention to his field agent(s), but he does believe Aziraphale when he says he’s been doing his job without Crowley noticing him. And Gabriel looks genuinely impressed with that. He doesn’t give explicit praise here, but he does call this achievement a “miracle”, which, among angels, should count for something. 2. Come on, he actually claps when Aziraphale gives his report (about influencing the Antichrist)? And I’m pretty sure he knew the other angels would follow sort. He applauds and compliments, even though he firmly believes what Aziraphale is trying to do will eventually prove to be pointless. Not a sentence I thought I’d write, but he does seem to appreciate doing Good just for the sake of doing Good. 3. Again, with the “excellent job”s. That’s all. (Also, in the full scene, he keeps going on about the little joke that Sandalphon made, which is… kind of sweet, I guess.)
B) In the 4th GIF: yes, I know, we don’t like the full scene and Gabriel says mean things, etc. But there is one tiny moment I needed some time to appreciate… The Great War is pretty much imminent at this point. Within a day, everything on Earth will be destroyed, so whatever Aziraphale does that day (other than going to war) would be pretty much inconsequential. They’ve already met here, Azi’s reported all that he knows, so, really, there is no particular reason to keep him on Earth anymore? No reason why Gabriel couldn’t make him go back to Heaven right then, with him? He’s never seemed like he appreciates any aspect of Aziraphale’s earthly disguise beyond the strict necessities. But now that whole disguise is pointless… but still, however little they generally understand each other with this estranged underling, Gabriel seems to understand that all the inconsequential earthly things are still important to Aziraphale, and gives him time (as much as he can) to “wrap things up”. Yes, this seems like the bare minimum of humanity, but (a) they’re not human and (b) if Gabriel was nothing but the epitome of horrible bosses, he wouldn’t show even this small purposeless kindness.
C) In GIFs 5-6: after I first watched that episode, I used to privately call this “the only redeeming character moment”. Faced with incriminating evidence against Aziraphale, Gabriel says there must be an “innocent explanation”. Now, I might be the gullible one here, but it seems genuine to me. Also, we seem to love imagining Gabriel as this nigh-all-knowing, all-controlling ultimate boss, but… pardon the expression, he’s only “human”. (Not technically, but you know what I mean.) The way he replies, his expressions and his pondering really sold me on the fact that he has no idea about the existence of “back channels”. Apparently, he doesn’t know nearly as much about his co-workers as he thinks he does - which, I almost feel sorry for him, having to run Heaven that way. Expectations and negative qualities aside, he’s doing the best he can.
D) I’ll keep this as non-spoilery as I can (thank you English language for the passive voice): when the angels are getting fire-breathed at (ugh, I take it back, screw the passive voice), all of them back away in shock and horror, but… Notice what their hands/arms are doing? It’s a split-second reaction, so there isn’t really time for being calculated or pretentious. They, in some way, all reach for each other. It can be seen both as a terrified gesture of seeking comfort in their connection, and as an instinctive gesture of protection - with Sandalphon and Uriel wanting to drag Gabriel back out from the line of fire, and, in turn, Gabriel wanting to push them back into safety (while he’s possibly still a bit more in harm’s way). Whichever one it is, it doesn’t look like the act of a horrible person to me.
To conclude. This collection of course doesn’t balance out his world-ending and simply mean personality traits and actions, but I haven’t seen a compilation of “bloody Gabriel’s” non-horrible moments. And my brain couldn’t stand to leave something GO-related without adding some shades of grey. He might mostly be doing the wrong things for the wrong reasons, or, at least, nearly never the right things for the right reasons. But. You know, my history teacher used to say, there are two types of generals: the one that says “Advance!” and the one that says “Follow me!”, and it says a lot about the generals themselves which ones they are. Gabriel would definitely shout “Follow me!”, and that’s enough of a testament of a certain amount of goodness for me.
Select additional comments:
@forineffablereasonsreply: #given that i think a big part of the Point to good omens is that there’s good and bad in everyone #and it’s the bit you choose to act on that matters most #it comes as no surprise that there’s good and bad even in these ancillary characters #it makes the story super layered and nuanced which i love
@hedonistbyheartreply: #I think there is value in seeing the good parts too yeah #and Gabriel is only as ruthlss as God herself in the end #even if i absolutely do not appreciate the fatshaming or the ‘die already’
@dukev027 reply: I think it’s important to add that some of Gabriel’s motivations and reactions comes from the fact that he firmly believes all the angels are acting exactly as angels should. He’s impressed with Aziraphale evading Crowley, because the idea of them working today doesn’t ever cross his mind. This scenario doesn’t exist for him. When Michael confronts him with the photos, Gabriel defends Aziraphale, because he can’t imagine the angel lying to him. And when Michael asks to use the back channels, Gabriel states there are no back channels, because for a proper angel there aren’t any.
Call it negligent or whatever (I wouldn’t personally), but Gabriel doesn’t comprehend that an angel would go against their nature. This is why when he finally realizes Aziraphale “betrayed” them, he gets harsher than usual, maybe even jaded, verbally lashing out at Aziraphale. The betrayal is what drives him to make an example out of Aziraphale and to connect with rather unpredicted allies (though, I would wager this is a temporary alignment). If these other angels are going to be improper, why shouldn’t he?
@rainydaydecafreply: Yes, to all of this. It did strike me, going back to rewatch Good Omens, that for all of Gabriel’s faults, he’s not purposely trying to be a jerk. He’s actually very genuine in everything he says and does. He believes in the good he’s doing, he’s very upbeat and an overall positive influence on the angels around him, and he strives to lead through enthusiastic example. He’s excited at the prospect of Armageddon, and not in a bloodthirsty way… he just doesn’t understand what could possibly be bad about billions of humans getting slaughtered. They’re just humans, after all, and humans die, it’s what they do. He’s content to follow orders, just like most of the angels. If it’s part of the Divine Plan, then it can’t possibly be wrong.
Gabriel only really shows his jerk side when the Divine Plan goes sideways and Aziraphale steps forward and makes him question what he’s doing. Makes him doubt, makes him look back and realize that he might be wrong. And that’s a very uncomfortable feeling for someone who has spent thousand of years basking in the absolute faith that he is Right In All Things. Gabriel doesn’t want to shift his world-view or open himself to the possibility that he misinterpreted God’s word. He just doesn’t. He shuts his eyes to it, he snaps at Adam and calls him a disobedient brat. His priorities and moral compass are so skewed that he goes on to become a villain, though of course he never once sees himself as a villain. There’s not a shred of hesitation when he condemns Aziraphale to death by hellfire. He literally can’t comprehend the concept of “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” He’s the Archangel Fucking Gabriel, don’t talk to him about the greater good, he is the Greatest Good this universe is ever gonna get.
Anyway, to wrap this up, I agree wholeheartedly. Gabriel’s a fantastic character with a lot of good qualities and a lot of flaws. He’s that one boss we all know who piles you with unreasonable deadlines and makes you work through the weekend, but also makes an effort to remember your kids’ names and brings donuts to the budget meeting every Wednesday. We love him and we hate him in equal measure, and that’s what makes him so interesting.
(Also, can we all agree that Jon Hamm was perfect for this role? I was in stitches at the “THANK YOU FOR MY PORNOGRAPHY!” line XD)
@cheeseanonioncrispsreply: The problem is that Gabriel has a very black and white view of morality, which… isn’t actually that surprising, considering the universe he lives in, but it’s his main character flaw.
Anything that is part of the Divine Plan or involved with Heaven is Good, anything that isn’t is Bad.
He’s trying to be a good boss. He’s clearly trying to create a friendly work environment and have good relationships with his employees. He doesn’t understand Aziraphale’s liking for Earthly pleasures, but Aziraphale is still an angel, even if he is a bit weird, and so he is still Good and Gabriel is going to try and make him happy— and he assumes that the destruction of Earth will do that, because it is part of the Divine Plan and therefore Good. Aziraphale has to like it.
But when Aziraphale actively fights against the Divine Plan, and stands hand in hand with a demon and the AntiChrist, and places himself unequivocally (in Gabriel’s mind) on the side of Bad?
Well that’s it. I mean, he must have known Aziraphale for millenia— quite possibly longer than Crowley— and up to now he’s been trying to have a friendly relationship with him. But now he’s Bad, suddenly Gabriel is pissed that he won’t die fast enough.
Gabriel would absolutely die for any of his angels, but he’d also easily kill them if he thought they were no longer on the side of Heaven and the Divine Plan, and you can see both sides of him in the execution scene.
@keelan-666reply: #i think he wasnt exactly happy to do it either tho #i mean he says just shut up and die already with that grin #but his face afterwards is very different #and i think part of how rushed his execution of aziraphale was was bc he just wanted to get it over with #he doesnt think aziraphale doesnt deserve it and he doesnt think hes wrong for doing it #but its still an unpleasant act even if he wants aziraphale dead
@janeymac-iereply: That’s interesting, because I always took the praise, the “excellent job!” stuff not as insincere per se, but as a perfect example of Corporate Positivity.
Ever work for a big company? Like, a US based multinational company? They’re big into Employee Morale and We’re All One Team and This Company Loves You Too, and many of the managers actually buy it. But it’s a corporation, it doesn’t care about any of that. Morale should be high but we won’t hire more people for rush period, we’ll be very insistent about overtime instead (but stop just short of telling you you have to because that’s illegal here.) We’re all one team but actually you’re one of a hundred people who can do your job and we can fire you if we notice a fuck up, and upper management have never heard of you and would be annoyed if you emailed them. This company loves nothing except your productivity even if it treats you well and you will be dropped like a hot potato if needs be.
The managers who buy it, the problem is… they love the company back. And they buy the company line when it’s “we’re all one happy family” and they buy it when it’s “we have to change to lower-quality health insurance for everyone” or “reduced break time this week, too busy” or “Mary Smith has to go”.
Gabriel didn’t care enough to notice that Asiraphale was obviously lying, that his reports had been false for centuries, that he was not, in fact, doing a good job. Gabriel doesn’t care about anything except Heaven. He’s come down from On High to give a cheerful and encouraging pep talk to an underling and he is going to do that just as well as he can, because Morale Is Important and Our Staff Are Valued, and he believes those things but because they’re inherently false, his own sincerity doesn’t matter. God doesn’t answer an angel’s prayers and the CEO doesn’t know your name and never wants to.
The reason it comes across as insincere to most people is the fact that it’s so obviously reflecting that kind of real life interaction. Heaven is a big clean corporation which carefully hides its dirty hands— “we don’t have back channels”— and Gabriel believes the corporate bullshit and ignores the evidence to the contrary, because you can’t go having *doubts* in Heaven.
@feelingbadforcrowleysplantsreply: to me Gabriel doesn’t seem mean or a truly horrible person, he is just so far removed from what az’s world (figuratively and literally) so he is oblivious to az’s feelings. And he just happens to be on an opposing side. He truly believes that Armageddon is the right thing (because why not? He doesn’t care for earth and it seems obvious to him that heaven winning would only be good). And the “die already” is totally understandable (although it still makes me hate him) because he discovered az was a traitor all along and he was betrayed and put in a terrible situation.
Gabriel isn’t a horrible character, he just happens to be on the opposing team
@ilsa-fireswanreply: We coo over “you’re an angel, I don’t think you can do the wrong thing” but honestly the whole show is Aziraphale trying to maintain faith that Heaven must be Right And Good while seeing it all from humanity’s perspective. Gabriel doesn’t have that. He spent those 6000 years in Head Office - the place where they issue you a flaming sword to lend support to your moral argument. The place you can Fall from for asking too many questions. He doesn’t understand human desires or human responses or human interactions but he’s doing his best to advance the Great Plan - the Greatest Good he knows - and has been since the start of everything. He is (brutally) honest and (aggressively) pushes perfection (or his view of it) for everyone under his direction, but I don’t think he’s maliciously mean. Also, I think his “I like the clothes” moment is an attempt to relate to Aziraphale and his odd little hobby/obsession with humanity.
@mybestfriendsarefictional reply: #yesss #gabriel is definitely a complex character #which is great! #tho i disagree #he isn’t doing “the wrong thing for the wrong reasons’' #i’d argue he’s doing the wrong thing for (what HE genuinely believes are) the right reasons #that’s kind of the point #the angels wholeheartedly believe their side is righteous and good so they can’t POSSIBLY do the wrong thing #aziraphale! is! the! only! one! who! doubts! that! #i dont think gabriel is intentionally malicious either #he just on a fundamental level cannot understand aziraphale #i dont think the other angels are bad necessarily #just very stuck in their ways
If you ever wake up in the morning and youre afraid of the person you see in the mirror, remember who that person is. Without all the sadness and anger and fear, remember how it was when you were little. When you fell someone caught you, when you cried someone made you smile. Why cant you do that for yourself? Be your own grown up, your own hero, your own happiness. Laugh at your own jokes, pick yourself up when you fall. Dry your own tears. Having someone to help you is nice, but doing it yourself? Thats strength. Waking up wanting to die but living anyway? Thats strength. And youre just going to keep getting stronger. Never forget that when you’re at your lowest point, the only way to go from there is up. Optimism is the key to happiness, hands down. #girl #selfie #happiness #optimism #optimismiskey #itsokay #itsgoingtobeokay #smile
NEW VIDEO: ADDRESSING @yung_bish0p TRANSPHOBIA⁉️ • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMTobbkd3QM&t=263s _______ Nah jokes guys this is the ADVICE Q&A video I promised y'all we address trans stuff, mental health stuff and normal dumb Q&A stuff. ______ For those of you who sent advice questions in, I truly hope this helps you and I wish I could’ve made a 20 minute long video for each and every one of you. Take care of yourselves, you beautiful people
Today’s Tarot of Bones Daily Draw is the Sun. This is one of the most positive cards in the deck, and you can think of yourself as soaring on the wings of eagles soon! You won’t be without problems, of course; none of us are. But you will have better opportunities ahead, and perhaps some time to enjoy good things as well. Try to stay focused on whatever is positive in your life so you get to actually benefit from its presence rather than pushing it away out of spite or habit.
You can order the Tarot of Bones deck and book, or purchase a Tarot of Bones reading, at http://thetarotofbones.com/shop/ – and yes, even if you don’t have a Paypal account you CAN use the Paypal option to pay with a debit or credit card!
How do you cheat life? You focus on what you don’t have, instead of what you can give.
We’re hard-wired, even before birth, to create something bigger than who we are.
We need to be part of something that gives us a sense of belonging or significance.
Anything that will convince us that our existence is not inconsequential inspires us to invest our time and energy in its pursuit.
Time and energy is simply life.
Both are limited in supply, but so abundant, that we take it for granted until it is taken away without notice, by which time it’s too late to appreciate it.
Living with conviction and loving with sincerity is only possible when we have gratitude for who we are and what we are capable of creating in the lives of those around us.
Sadly, too often we hide behind masks and facades to protect ourselves from being hurt. That’s how we create the self-fulfilling prophecies that hurt us the most.
When we interact with those close to us from behind our masks, we not only deny them the true beauty of who we are, we also deny ourselves the beauty of their responses to the side of us that they otherwise would not have experienced.
In the same way, we deny ourselves the side of them that we believe to be true, but that they don’t feel safe enough to reveal to us.
And all this life is wasted out of fear of being true to ourselves because we fear being rejected or ridiculed.
In other words, we have yet to accept ourselves, but we hold others accountable for accepting us first.
That’s how conviction is abandoned, and love is lost.
While we chase the big question about the purpose of life, we lose sight of the life that we waste daily as we go about serving some purpose or the other without realising it.
That’s the thing about being distracted from the present moment.
We’re so concerned about the future, and often still processing the past, that we lose the present.
Popcorn wisdom aside, we must connect with the reality of what purpose is driving our actions in this very moment.
However, we often confuse long term goals with purpose.
Purpose is not something that has a finite end. Nor is it something that is tangible or measurable on its own.
It’s a higher calling. Something that inspired us to want to achieve goals that serve that purpose, and not a goal in itself.
There is only ever a single purpose in life, from which all other purposes are spawned.
That is, the need to be of positive consequence to those around us, and to the world at large.
We often behave badly when we feel like the fulfilment of that need is under threat. But we’re so focused on complying with expectations, our own and others, that we lose sight of why we feel overwhelmed, taken for granted, abused, or even invisible.
Reconnect with purpose and life becomes more fulfilling without the conscious effort of making it so.
Fear sets in when we take our past experiences and project it on our future.
That means that we have more trust in the outcomes of the past, than we do about our ability to shape our future.
It also means that when we find it difficult to establish or maintain trust in a relationship, it’s because one or both of the people involved are afraid of making themselves vulnerable to what they’ve experienced before.
That’s why so many hold on to the past.
It gives us a sense of certainty or safety, while seemingly protecting us from experiencing the same pain in the future.
But, that assumes that who we were back then, is still who we are now. That assumption is incorrect.
Every experience changes us, whether willingly or unwillingly, consciously or subconsciously. Change is unavoidable.
What does faith have to do with it all?
The irony is that faith is there all along.
Faith is never blind.
What we see as the probable outcomes of the future is in fact faith. Faith is always based on evidence that we gather from the past.
The question is, are we gathering evidence about how often we failed, or are we gathering evidence of how often we persevered beyond those failures?
When you connect with that realisation, you’ll be able to consciously shift your investment of faith from assuming the worst about the future, to realising that you have it within you to influence how that future shapes up.
Does being mature mean that you must give up your youthful playfulness?
Does being responsible mean that you can’t be lighthearted about serious issues?
The labels and expectations that we adopt for ourselves are more about how we want to be seen, rather than what others expect of us.
When we lose sight of these choices that we’ve made, we blame society for the weight of our lives.
Our perception of who we are is the root of the joy or torment that we experience in our lives.
It is also the root of whether we grow old before our time, or do we remain young until the day we die.
Sometimes we lose ourselves to duty and servitude because we feel so intensely responsible for doing our part, or because we believe that we must take up the slack that others leave behind while they’re enjoying their life.
How we feel about doing it is more important than whether that is true, because if we feel burdened, we’ll experience the heaviness of responsibility.
But if we connect with the value that we want to create through our service of others, we’ll feel the joy of fulfilment in connecting with that value, rather than focusing on whether we’re appreciated or not.
That is the beginning of learning to appreciate ourselves before we expect others to make us feel worthy.
When we transact with life, we expect to get back what we give.
We also expect to receive, in a very specific shape and form, the good that we need from others in exchange for the good that we did for them.
When we expect things to come back to us in a specific way, all the good that doesn’t match our expectations will be ignored, taken for granted, or even rejected without us realising that we’re destroying the very good that we’re praying for.
Like a drop of water that causes a ripple that meets other ripples along its way and gains momentum.
The drop of water had no idea that what it started could turn into a wave. It did not set out to start a wave, nor did it plan to meet other ripples along the way to form the wave that changed the shoreline.
It was just true to its nature, and it’s that nature that inspired or spawned an impact greater than it ever thought possible.
We’re drops of water in the ocean of humanity.
When we own our contribution towards creating good in our lives, its impact is felt for generations to come, and by every life touched by every generation that is spawned from our lineage.
Sadly, the same is true for the harm that we cause. Until someone steps up and decides to start that ripple of positive change.
Own your life. Don’t transact with it. Don’t hold back because you’re waiting for the perfect moment, or the perfect partner.
Be true to yourself, and create space for others to be true to themselves.
Break the cycle that weighs you down. Humanity will be all the better for it.
Contrary to meme wisdom, it is impossible to live without expectations from others.
Not only is it impossible, but without expectations, much of life’s sweetness is lost.
Trusting our partners or significant others to fulfill the expectations that we have of them cements the bond of trust in our relationship with them, and vice versa.
Failed expectations feel like betrayal because expectations, by definition, carry with them a sense of entitlement to being treated a certain way by those closest to us.
When we become distracted by that feeling of betrayal, we become defensive or aggressive in demanding what we need, rather than seeking to understand why we’re not getting it.
When we focus on what we have a right to expect from others, we become defined by how they honour those expectations. That’s how we risk losing ourselves to such relationships.
When expectations fail, focus on hope instead.
Hope is what creates opportunities for us to be the best that we can be, while creating space for others to discover how to be their best as well.
Never lose hope. And always be mindful of the expectations that you have.
On the face of it, this is an obvious and common truth that we all experience at some point.
It’s easy to recognise when someone is judging us based on a single moment, or a single mistake from a long time ago.
Their reason for holding on to such experiences is most often more about them wanting to protect themselves from going through it again, than it is about assuming that we’re incapable of being better.
But, there’s a more sinister side to this.
How many of us judge ourselves harshly because of that one mistake that we made a long time ago?
Do you still see yourself through your teenage eyes?
Or maybe you see yourself through the eyes of the one who first betrayed your love?
Perhaps you even still see yourself through the eyes of the family or the community that rejected you?
Whichever is true, when you hold on to being defined by a moment from your past, not only do you convince yourself that you are incapable of being better than that, but you also actively prevent yourself from growing from the experience.
There is no shortage of people who would see fit to judge us, and the ultimate judgement of our lives will come in due course.
Why put your life on hold over thinking either one, instead of living your best life?
The gravity of life is often a distraction from living it.
So obsessed do we become with the future, or needing retribution for the past, that we lose the present moment.
But this is a philosophy that many know, yet few understand.
What we take from the past, determines whether we live in the present moment with hope and joy, or in fear of the future.
So deeply ingrained is this fear that those who do not embrace it are shunned as being irresponsible, or out of touch.
Connecting with the reality of your contribution towards your past, offers you insights into how to maximise the value of the present, leaving no room for fear of the future.
Because the future then becomes a beautiful surprise, offering new opportunities to take even more from each moment that it offers.
Lose yourself to judging yourself or others about what has already passed, and the future will offer nothing more than the fear of loss, or the absence of peace.
Choose wisely what you take from your past, and the present becomes the gift with which to create a beautiful future.
Live. Don’t just exist. And definitely don’t stop at surviving.
