#daily diary
Day 1 in Japan! Currently 5:13 am and I’m on my quarantine facility. Tbh the jetlag is horrible but at least I can speak with my fam while they are awake. It’s only been one day but I’m already crying and missing them. The trip was so long and uncomfortable it made me homesick immediately. The two upcoming weeks will be hard af but I hope once I’m out I can be more happy and enjoy this beautiful country.
press start *again* >.> dont be scared :D
its rainin outside hehe. kinda favorite weather.
its hard to write anything when nothing good happen
but plan is to be productive
a better person
hmm
eat less for sure
and finally i can see posts lol
ok thats all for now
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A couple months ago I tried this watercolor pencils. It was a little bit expensive but I really loved! The colors are so pretty and fits perfectly with my style, and they’re so soft to paint and mix very well, sometimes I don’t even use water, just the pencils.
Alguns meses atrás eu comprei esses lápis aquareláveis. Foram um pouquinho caros mas eu gostei muito, achei que as cores são lindas e elas se encaixam no meu estilo de arte e estética preferida. :) Eles são muito macios e as cores se misturam tão bem que as vezes eu nem preciso usar água pra pintar.
Il y a quelques mois j'ai acheté ces crayons aquarelle. Ils étaient un peu chers, mais j'ai beaucoup aimé! J'adore les couleurs, sont très belles et elles vont bien avec mon style. Ils sont très doux et les couleurs se marient si bien que, parfois, je n'ai même pas besoin d'utiliser de l'eau pour peindre avec elles.
rush vs rest
It seems like i’m always in a rush. I want to get to a certain point to feel happiness, to feel complete but I don’t know what or where that is. Instead of enjoying the here and now 24/7, I spend a chunk of time wondering where I’ll be in the future and how people will view me. Will they finally see my progress? Will I realize I don’t need a relationship to know my worth? Will I be able to say no without someone breathing down my neck?
All in due time, I’m told. That won’t stop the day & nightly dreams though…
-diary entry from 15.12.21
Overnight, I became the friend that will make personalised playlists for people’s birthdays, the friend that will ask you how you were at every silent moment in a conversation, because it’s a question that isn’t asked enough, the friend that won’t go a day without seeing you because she misses your face, despite the fact she didn’t know you before September, the friend that will get up and dance the second Ode To A Conversation Stuck In Your Throat plays, or Sex by The 1975, and will grab the hands of the closest person and get them to dance too, the friend that will knock first so you can speak, the friend that will talk to the Year 13s because they seem so scary despite being only a year older than you, the friend that walk you down to the coffee shop because you were going on your own, the friend that says hate is a strong word, but uses ‘love’ as easily as connectives, the friend that will ask you if you want to talk, because she’s there to listen, the friend that will be the first to apologise, the friend that will write poetry about you at 3am, and post it anonymously on Tumblr, the friend that confidence comes easily to, the friend with a god complex, despite hating herself, the friend that tells you that she dreamt of you the night before, despite it being a complete lie, the friend that will lie and cheat to get her own way, the friend that will manipulate and deceive just to remind everyone that she isn’t really thatfriend, because how could anyone have thatfriend? No one has her, really. She’s a Manic Pixie Dream Girl that’s trying too hard for the purpose of something that doesn’t even exist. She was none of these people four months ago. I wish I never had thatfriend. I think I’d kill her. She’d drive me mad.
I read somewhere that this was the Switzerland of North America. I would not compare the two, but that doesn’t make this place any less wondrous. Now I’ve been to 5 National Parks and I am understanding the thrill of them. I can’t wait for the road trip home and to stop and see the the ones I can and experience them alone.
Glacier National Park, September 9th
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Love is a sweaty boy with crooked teeth and smelly feet. A butt chin. And greasy hair.
Love is a boy who sleeps in the crack of the two twin beds you pushed together so that he can cuddle up next to you. Love is a boy who sweats in the corner of the bed so that you can have the fans on you. Love is sharing his twin sized bed because now you have a roommate.
Love is a boy with long hair and a beautiful face. With delicate hands. And pretty eyes. A scent that consumes you. Love is a boy who sees you and not your scars.
You knew you were in love when you were able to look him in the eyes and smile as he was passionate and gentle with you. When he wanted to tell you something and you knew it had to be that he felt the same way but you were scared. You did feel the same way. You should have just said it so that he didn’t have to feel so scared. You didn’t. But in that moment you loved him more for not saying it, for thinking about how you might feel and respecting the possibility.
To know him is to know love.
I just finished reading The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, and it left me pondering about my life. The book tells a story about a woman getting a second chance and making different decisions that affected the outcome of her life.
I know we all spend time thinking about the “what ifs” of our lives. It’s something we can’t help. There’s the small decisions like: what if I had gotten the iced chai instead of the iced coffee, but then there’s the big decisions of: what if I moved to Phoenix instead of Germany?
When i think about the major decisions that have affected my life a few that come to mind are: choosing the college I went to, choosing to join the sorority I did, choosing my major, moving to a foreign country instead of to the big city I promised my friends after college, then working at a national park.
I’ll even go further back to think about if certain events that I had no control over didn’t happen. What if my dad didn’t die? What if my nana and papa never got divorced? What if the pandemic never happened?
Younger me would dwell on some of these questions and be really upset about this. But the older and present me is aware of what might have happened and the things I would have missed out on if my life didn’t turn out the way it had.
Going to my college and joining my sorority led me to meeting my best friends. I truly believe I am the reason they all became the friends they are now. Two of them might have been friends without my help or other paths would have led them to all meet, but I know I helped make it happen. Then when it comes to what i decided to major in. It all started because I wanted to take the intro level class to learn more about what it offered but I couldn’t take the class unless that was my major, so i switched it then and there and stuck with it ever since. Then because of that my uncle told me about a program working at a hotel abroad. Moving to the foreign country allowed me to live the dream i wanted and meet friends that I was able to go through such new and important life events with. I would have regretted moving to the big city because I now know the pandemic would have happened and my dream of being abroad would have been pushed off even more. If I had moved there, it never would have never led me to working at this national park because the reason I’m here is because one of my friends that I worked abroad with told me about it and another one pushed us into applying here.
Then theres the deeper ones that I had no control over and happened because of the decisions of others: If my dad did not die, my youngest sister would probably have never been born (considering we have different dads). My parents would have probably split up due to the differences they both wanted in life and how my mom described their relationship, then that would have led me to being raised in a broken home, moving back and forth, potentially never having lived the life that has made me appreciate the world around me and caused me to have a wandering soul. If my nana and papa never got divorced, I think I would still have a good relationship with them. But if they had stayed together, I know they would not have been happy and that could have made it even worse than it already is. Then theres the one we all feel because we all had to experience it: the pandemic. I’ll post an excerpt from my insta post that describes my feeling on the year of 2020: “This year sucked in more ways than one and so many tears were shed. I think we all hoped for 2020 to be our year. I had planned to see all of Europe & I had been considering staying in Germany until December of 2021. But it was cut short. I lost my job and was sent back to so much unknown. But I didn’t think it was fair to say that everything went wrong. So I wanted to use this time to reflect and share some genuine moments of me in my happiest form. This year was saved by the people I shared this time with. How blessed are you to be able to meet so many people that make a place so hard to leave? Someone play Happiest Year by Jaymes Young & How It Ends by DeVotchKa bc I’d like to dedicate it to them.” I found my love for reading again. I found worlds and characters that changed me for the better. I dream of stranger worlds now. I want to be a better person. I found comfort in being by myself. I no longer want to find pleasure in a moment only to be filled with regret after and live that constant loop. I am happy. This is what the book really made me think about: This is my life and any other life would be a fraud. This is everything I’ve worked towards and even though I could imagine it another way, I know I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I’ve had this book on my TBR for a while now and here are the quotes that really stood out to me in this book:
And though she’d studied enough existential philosophy to believe loneliness was a fundamental part of being human in an essentially meaningless universe, it was good to see him.
‘Go confidently in the direction of your dreams,’ Thoreau had said. ‘Live the life you imagined’.
‘Between life and death there is a library,’ she said. ‘And within that library, the shelves go on forever. Every book provides a chance to try another life you could have lived. To see how things would be different if you had made other choices… Would you have done anything different, if you had the chance to undo your regrets?’
It was hard to remember what he had sounded like before. What he had been like, precisely. But that was the nature of memory…
Thomas Hobbes had viewed memory and imagination as pretty much the same thing, and since discovering that she had never entirely trusted her memories.
This was the life she had been mourning for. This was the life she had beaten herself up for not living. This was the timeline she thought she had regretted not existing in.
The only way to learn is to live.
‘If you aim to be something you are not, you will always fail. Aim to be you. Aim to look and act and think like you. Aim to be the truest version of you. Embrace your you-ness. Endorse it. Love it. Work hard at it. And don’t give a second thought when people mock it or ridicule it. Most gossip is envy in disguise..’
For Sylvia Plath, existence was a fig tree and each possible life she could live- the happily-married one, the successful poet one - was this sweet juicy fig, but she couldn’t get to taste the sweet juicy figs, so they just rotted right in front of her. It can drive you insane, thinking of all the other lives we don’t live.
Maybe that was the only meaning that mattered. To be the world, witnessing itself.
The life of a human, according to the Scottish philosopher David Hume, was of no greater importance to the universe than that of an oyster.
‘But you will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.’
I may have not been sure about what really did interest me, but I was absolutely sure about what didn’t.
All good things are wild and free.
You can have everything and feel nothing.
‘I think it is easy to imagine there are easier paths,’ she said, realising something for the first time. ‘But maybe there are no easy paths. There are just paths…
Who knows? Every second of every day we are entering a new universe. And we spend so much time wishing our lives were different, comparing ourselves to other people and to other versions of ourselves, when really most lives contain degrees of good and degrees of bad.’
‘…It seems impossible to live without hurting people.’
‘Thats because it is.’
‘I am saying that the thing that looks the most ordinary might end up being the thing that leads you to victory. You have to keep going.’
It was as though she had reached some state of acceptance about life - that if there was a bad experience, there would only be bad experiences. She realised that she hadn’t tried to end her life because she was miserable, but because she had managed to convince herself that there was no way out of her misery.
‘It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.’
A fear of what she was feeling.
Love.
You could eat in the finest restaurants, you could partake in every sensual pleasure, you could sing on stage in São Paulo to twenty thousand people, you could soak up whole thunderstorms of applause, you could travel to the ends of the Earth, you could be followed by millions on the internet, you could win Olympic medals, but this was all meaningless without love.
What sometimes feels like a trap is actually just a trick of the mind.
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Why You Should Start A New 2022 Diary
Why You Should Start A New 2022 Diary
A daily diary or planner is so important in my everyday life, I feel like everyone needs one. It helps me to stay organised, it helps me to keep track of everything that I need to, but also it helps me to remember things.
If you’re the kind of person that struggles to keep up with everything going then a daily diary or planner is definitely the way to go. This year, instead of going for a Passion…
