be kind

I want to live in the world where I don’t have to explain to my kids what war is and why I have tears rolling down my face as I watch what is happening in Ukraine. People no longer talk about Covid, vaccines or masks it’s all about Putin and what he’s doing. I want to be able to watch the news and be inspired to be better, I want to be proud instead of being ashamed when I speak Russian to my parents in public. I want people of Ukraine to be free and I wish we could take back everything that happened this past week. I honestly don’t know when it will end or how far Putin will go, I’m not even sure that he knows. Will he stop invading Ukraine or if he takes control of it will he move on to other countries like Latvia which is where I am from? I worry about my kids growing up and seeing this, I pray for the families that lost loved ones and the ones that are currently fighting to protect their land. I hate feeling helpless. I also feel guilty that I am safe and I am surrounded by my family while others are being torn apart. My heart has been heavy and my mind is exhausted trying to make sense of this. I am terrified about what is next and the fact that I may never see my grandmother again that lives in Russia kills me. 3/2/22

PSA to parents

On the way to drop my son off at school we stopped to grab him a water at a convenience store. While at the store a woman walked up, grabbed my arm and said how gorgeous my son is. I thanked her, she started asking me how old he was I said he’s almost 8. At that point she turned to my son and asked him if he goes to school to which he said “yeah, I’m late now because we had to stop and get a drink”. She immediately asks “where do you go to school?”. That’s when I felt something being off. I ignored her question, told her that we are in a hurry and to have a good day. My son and I walked out of the store and she was watching us from her car. I purposely walked very slow to see if she was going to pull out and leave the parking lot but she only made a loop and parked back in the same spot. We got in our car, locked the doors and started to pull out and sure enough she’s right behind us. I took a quick left onto the main street knowing that she won’t have time to take a left to get right behind my car. Thank god for the 3 cars between us. I was starting to panic since I had to drop my son off at school which was less than a mile away but I did not want her to know what school he went to. I turned fast on to a small street hoping that she missed me. My heart was beating out of my chest. Call me crazy, call me paranoid but I trust my gut. My gut said something was off. Probably doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many tik toks lately about kids being abducted at stores. Bottom line is trust your intuition, it’s better to be wrong than sorry. I hate that we live in a world like this, I hate that if you are just being nice you might be judged for being a creep. I hate that I had to explain to my son that there are people out there that take kids away from their families. It’s so sad that at even at his young age he picked up on the weird feeling from the lady. I hope and pray that I am wrong, I hope that any other mother would do the same in this situation. Be aware, be on alert, protect your babies, they are the future. 3/2/22

Heavy Heart

My mind is occupied with images of what is happening in Ukraine. My heart is breaking for the people that are going though it and for families that no longer feel safe in their homes. Since the invasion I keep thinking how thankful I am to be with my husband, kids and my family. For people that know me in real life, they know I am Russian. I was born in Latvia when it was part of the USSR. In the early 90’s Latvia gained it’s independence. I was about 4 at the time. My family speaks Russian, my grandmother lives in Russia. I am disgusted that President Putin would attack Ukraine. I tried explaining this to my son who is almost 8 about how serious this is. I pray for the people of Ukraine and the people of Russia that don’t agree with this. To the people like my very own grandmother that support Putin’s invasion- please do your own research, don’t rely on the news. I think about the families that were separated, people that fled with just a suitcase to a country they’ve never been to I hope you will find peace. I’ve always been proud of the fact that I am “foreign”, that I am from Latvia. I love my home country, I may speak Russian, I live in USA but I stand with Ukraine.

I called my husband and my 4 year old daughter picked up. She said “hi mama, daddy is cleaning” I said that she’s a great receptionist to which she replied “ I’m the CEO”. Let’s all raise girls that dream big and think that anything is possible! 2/7/22

-diary entry from 15.12.21

Overnight, I became the friend that will make personalised playlists for people’s birthdays, the friend that will ask you how you were at every silent moment in a conversation, because it’s a question that isn’t asked enough, the friend that won’t go a day without seeing you because she misses your face, despite the fact she didn’t know you before September, the friend that will get up and dance the second Ode To A Conversation Stuck In Your Throat plays, or Sex by The 1975, and will grab the hands of the closest person and get them to dance too, the friend that will knock first so you can speak, the friend that will talk to the Year 13s because they seem so scary despite being only a year older than you, the friend that walk you down to the coffee shop because you were going on your own, the friend that says hate is a strong word, but uses ‘love’ as easily as connectives, the friend that will ask you if you want to talk, because she’s there to listen, the friend that will be the first to apologise, the friend that will write poetry about you at 3am, and post it anonymously on Tumblr, the friend that confidence comes easily to, the friend with a god complex, despite hating herself, the friend that tells you that she dreamt of you the night before, despite it being a complete lie, the friend that will lie and cheat to get her own way, the friend that will manipulate and deceive just to remind everyone that she isn’t really thatfriend, because how could anyone have thatfriend? No one has her, really. She’s a Manic Pixie Dream Girl that’s trying too hard for the purpose of something that doesn’t even exist. She was none of these people four months ago. I wish I never had thatfriend. I think I’d kill her. She’d drive me mad.