#dream journal

Just had an amazing dream. 

So. This is a bit different from my usual crying-about-YOI-posts but like, bare with me. 

I have these dreams- fighting dreams, I call them. They’ve been happening over the last several years. The setting and people are usually different, but the situation is always the same- I’m fighting someone/someones, and although I can beat them up and usually kill them as well, they always come back to life or more come and I have to keep fighting and killing them, to protect someone I love from them. 

I don’t know why they would want to hurt the people I love, but I just know that I can’t let them near my loved ones.

It’s a very… graphic dream. Very bloody, very disturbing. I’ve woken up crying from these sorts of dreams, the images haunting me for the rest of the waking day afterwards. 

The main thing, however, is how it just never stops. It’s a cycle of fighting that tires me out even in my dream, makes me frustrated, but I can’t. stop. because if I did- they would hurt or kill my family and/or friends. So I just spend the entire dream fighting. 

I’ve been working on my mindset and mental state for the last year or so and decided, after a particularly frustrating fighting dream that involved both fighting some Bad DudesTM and dealing with my friends that wouldn’t stay put in the safe place I made for them (so we could be safe in there, away from the Bad DudesTM, instead of me having to fight), to try and figure out what these dreams meant.

So, as I’m sure most of you could probably suss out, it’s about me being frustrated with not being able to control everything. I can, to some degree, as I am always strong enough to fight them, but the fighting never stops, even when I get tired. 

The realization felt good, and I decided to be more active in being mindful of my thoughts regarding trying to control everything, to let myself accept things as they were instead of getting frustrated.

I didn’t have that sort of dream for a while, until last night, or this morning. 

It was a hell of a dream. More vivid than usual, perhaps thanks to the melatonin I took before bed. 

This is already a long post so I’ll get down to it- there was A Lot of fighting this time. I was a proclaimed ‘the Chosen One’ that people from another world wanted to fight, as dying by my hands was considered an honor and killing me would make them something akin to a King or God, I’m not sure. I was a bit busy just trying to fight them all. 

It was brutal, to start with, all blood and gore, until half way through the first group I was just like, ‘you know what? I don’t want to fight. I’m done fighting.’ And they were all like ‘um. What?’ 

but. They stopped fighting. Just,stopped. They didn’t attack my family like I feared, they just were like ‘huh well okay’. 

But. Then more groups came, and I had to keep telling people I wouldn’t fight them- that they had to leave. I was getting increasingly frustrated. 

And then an entire train station appeared on our road, and a whole crowd of people came, spilling over my parents’ property, some of them talking about killing the horses for fun.(I live on a ranch fyi) 

There were too many of them, I was starting to panic. I could fight them, yes, but I couldn’t be everywhere at once, I couldn’t protect the horses andmy family. 

I started yelling at people, swearing at them, telling them to leave. They didn’t try to fight me, but they didn’t really leave either. I asked the Universe for help, because I didn’t know what else do to- I couldn’t go back to fighting, but I couldn’t let them hurt anyone, either.

Then, it came to me. Love.

I had to spread love to them. 

As soon as I calmed down, and stopped yelling and swearing, and instead began to tell people they were loved, and other things from a loving mindset, they changed. Everyone. All these hardened warriors that were talking about killing horses for fun seemed to get… lighter. Happier. Nicer.

They started to smile, to carry the energy I sent out to them so much faster than the yelling at them to leave ever did. They gladly went back to their own worlds, bringing back this energy and spreading it to the others on these fighting planets as well, stopping the fighting. 

I was the ‘Chosen one’, but not for fighting. For ending it. For bringing love. I am not meant for fighting, but forlove. 

This idea isn’t perfect- how can I love someone who is actually physically hurting me? Why would I? Do I always have to be in a loving mindset? I’m still just a human, and that seems pretty high on the ‘not going to happen’ list.

But this idea doesn’t need to be ‘perfect’- it is what I am calling a ‘divinely perfect’ truth (no, I’m not religious, I’m just hard core into the LOA and see reality as fluid so…feel free to ask more more lol). Perfection is not something that will ever truly be reached- as things are always changing, and what might be perfect in one moment won’t necessarily be so in the next.

To spread love and focus on love for others instead of fighting and thinking isn’t the only way- it’s simply divinelyperfect. For most situations, especially ones I routinely deal with, it is ‘perfect’. 

Fighting just hurts both me and the other person/thing/situation, and is an endless cycle of frustration. 

Love, on the other hand, releases me from that cycle, and can inspire the emotion in the receiving party, and then perhaps to even more people. It is so much more powerful in so many ways compared to fighting and hate. It can inspire, it’s warm and comforting, and you can create it so easily, just by yourself, with just a thought. 

Thoughts are very powerful things. They control the reality around us, and choosing to think loving thoughts… To accept things as they are, instead of giving into the cycle of frustration and hate… 

As my dream showed me, love can do so much more good for myself and the world around me compared to my desperate, trying to survive, cycle of fighting. 

Maybe this won’t speak to some as it did to me, and it’s long as heck so it’s totally fine if you don’t get through this all, but I felt inspired to share so. You’re welcome <3 

In any case, TL;DR- my dreams of fighting and frustration over the years were finally brought to an end when I decided to change my thoughts and send love to the enemies instead, prompting me to work on my own thoughts in the waking world when I was dealing with frustrations.

….I just woke up okay xD I’m going to be holding this in my heart for a long time. 

This is the first time I have ever felt the need to truly record my dream but it was uncanny. 

Yesterday, I did not get a call back from a job I interviewed for. That should have meant I did not get the job, as it was the latest I was meant to hear from them. I do not have the BA they want, I am lacking the ‘preferred’ quality of bilingual English/Chinese. But I have work experience. Yesterday, I also reached out to someone on Twitter who I thought did not ever want to see me again, but still I sent a follow request and a PM, because I miss our friendship.

Last night, I dreamed we reconnected, and I dreamed I got the job. It was surrounded in my usual medication-induced bizarre dream nonsense, with a giant sized cafeteria and cats the size of lizards, but still!

This morning, she accepted my follow request, followed me back, responded to my PM. I called the company, and the reason they didn’t call is because someone broke a bone yesterday by falling! I got the job!

It could be nothing. This is not something I have experience with. But I was wearing a charm for days straight, burning a sigil marked and herb infused candle for days, and praying to Hermes. One time is interesting. Two times will make it coincidence. Three times will mark a pattern. I’m at one weird dream guessing the coming day’s events.

Dreamed about elegant youkai apartment life. Mostly it was about Chiaki and Yuushi. I don’t remember much :/

For the stats: unknown and unknown

dream journal 121021 //

family road trip across northern Vermont (i was told our destination was Montpelier), but the landscape was primarily a sea. crescents of pine-tree covered land dotted as far as the eye could see, and on them stood a mix of log, stone castle and traditional new england architecture

Everything I want I get

I am grateful for my life and everything in it

I’ve been having this reoccurring dream during that state between being awake and falling asleep. It always starts with me standing in the middle of my bedroom in the dark. I look into the standing mirror and see this figure standing behind me in the corner. It’s hard to discern details, but it looks pretty corpse-like with papery skin peeling off like wallpaper. It looks like more shreds are coming/floating out of where it’s eyes should be? It’s just standing there unmoving, stiffly upright and facing me. Whatever it is, each time I look behind me, it’s not there, and when I look back in the mirror, it’s there standing closer to me. Look behind, not there, look back, it’s closer, look behind, not there, look back, closer still. It gets to the point where I continuously stare at it, hoping that my gaze will keep it still, as I back up through the bedroom door to run the hell away. I close the door, shut my eyes in hopes that avoiding seeing anything reflective will save me, and blindly make my way out.

Bonus: One time when I was more lucid, I tried to turn the dream around to be more positive by asking if it needed help. It didn’t answer, it just continued to stand there unmoving. So I asked it if it had a name. Then this incoherent noise blasted in my head that sounded like someone had turned a TV on and was changing channels really fast. The noise didn’t stop until I woke up.

Anyone else just want to quit their job and just drive? Maybe to Canada? Or better yet Mexico? I need the sun and sand on my toes.

March 25, 2021

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