#engagement

The night I got engaged, someone asked a question about my fiancé - I don’t remember the question, nor do I remember my response, but I remember feeling shocked. Logically, I knew he was now my fiancé, not just my boyfriend, but it had come so quickly within the timing of the proposal that I hadn’t had time to transition over to our new titles. Thankfully, I don’t think I’ve been referred to as his fiancée yet… though he has now been introduced as “my fiancé” which is still just as strange. I remember it also took some time for me to say boyfriend. I often just said “we’re dating” but would introduce him by name, without the “title”.

Yet society is all about the label. Facebook and other social media sites encourage us to DTR or “define the relationship” using commonly accepted terms. We didn’t make it “facebook official” until almost a year and a half later (over some interesting circumstances*). We still haven’t made our engagement “facebook official” because I personally think it’s a rather poor way of announcing things. But it becomes a thing that we “have to know.” Even though there are those couples who break up for an hour before getting back together. That somehow becomes something that “we” have demanded to make rather public knowledge. I’m not sure why. Why is this more important than our dreams or goals in life? Why is it more important than what we mean when we say love? Why are there no boxes or announcements or statuses about that?

What I find strangest about the use of certain nomenclature is that it is often not about the couple or the relationship - it is about their community. The thing that made me the happiest about being engaged was NOT “being engaged” - it really didn’t change our relationship that much in terms of how we interacted with each other. Certainly the decision upped the commitment for both of us, and was an illustration/action demonstrating such but we haven’t actually behaved much more differently with each other. But I was thrilled that now it would be acceptable to others the degree to which we spent time together. Indeed, my other friend, who got engaged before us said something similar: that she felt freer to take time to just hang out as the two of them once they got engaged, that people would understand.

While extreme “intimacy” often acts as an indicator that engagement is coming, it is also often frowned upon outside of engagement/marriage (and occasionally within). Men might be asked if they’re “whipped” while women may be cautioned not to give too much too soon. Ironically, in romantic movies, the same level of intimacy often is the precursor to (and cause of) the relationship, while to the main female protagonist, it is seen as indicator/proof for the validity of the relationship: he’s so sweet, this has to be the one!

I can understand that relationship labels can be helpful for couples to be on the same page about where they stand with each other, as well as acting as reassurance to parents who are worried about their children’s degree of investment. However, I also feel like the existing vocabulary fails to capture what relationships can look like and distort people’s perceptions of the progression of romance by their categorization. Serious dating and engagement are closer than engagement and marriage, which are again closer than the first years of marriage and the later years of marriage. Someone can transition from friend to best friend to fiancé just as easily as a lover might become a boyfriend/girlfriend to fiancé to friend.

Maybe it’s just because I don’t hear the term very often, but calling someone my fiancé formalizes and codifies something I feel like is more organic than a stepladder. But I do it anyway.

Time is of the essence

muirin007:

Holy engagement, Batman!

@jamesbousema proposed! It’s been such a hard few years and we’ve been moving into our new house this past week in 110-degree heat while everything goes wrong around us, but when we finally finished moving, he dropped to one knee and proposed! 

(I’d been laying down because I was so tired and sore from moving, so he lured me out by going, “There’s a fat bird on the patio!” I immediately jumped up to see, but alas, ‘twas but a ruse–there was no fat bird, only an engagement ring. He went, “I knew only two things would get you out of bed: an emergency or a cute animal.”)

I can’t believe someone wants to marry me, and it’s my favorite boy ever. I love you @jamesbousema ! Can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you seeking out fat birds.

&

So hey, big life update!
Me and @muirin007 are engaged and couldn’t be happier. Goth artist powers UNITE

MICHAEL & CRYSTAL // ENGAGEMENT

“I’m the most famous person in the entire world and I’m still _______” - Peter Parker

Finish the sentence (comment below) #TuesdayTrivia #SpiderManNoWayHome