I will be fully booked with lash appointments over the next 6 months

Note to my future self: next time don’t confess to him over a letter that has to cross almost all the world. I know it sounds romantic but the waiting is going to kill you.

Repeat with me: my happiness cannot depend of one person.

Please future me, remember that this is not home. Just keep looking until you find it. I am sure you will one day.

I feel like the end of this year has been the very least thing I was expecting. I feel lost in all senses as I haven’t anything stable in my life and this time I am afraid.

So, one of the rules I have in my open relationship is that, barring extreme circumstances, we’re supposed to meet someone in person at least once before having piv sex.  Well, Z had made plans to meet with someone and then canceled, so when he finally did meet her, I said it was okay for them to have piv sex, even thought that was a bending of our rules.  So, he did.

Now, I don’t place piv sex as some super special thing, aside from the fact that it’s more dangerous because babies, but Z does.  And that’s fine.  I’m okay with not doing that the first time I meet up with someone.  In fact, I kinda like that rule.

I’d hooked up with M before, but really just hand stuff. The other day, I got the chance to meet up with him again, and Z asked that I not have piv with him because it’d been such a long time since either of us had met up with other people.  I agreed to that, and M and I enjoyed each other’s bodies in other ways. 

Now, Z has some people he knows in the town we live in (since he’s lived there for years) who he’s already hooked up with/had sex with before.  Some of the rules are relaxed, obviously, since he’s already met them in person. 

So, I’m out of town for a  few weeks and Z made it sound like he wasn’t going to be able to hook up with anyone/was willing to not try to hook up.  I’m not the most excited about any of my current prospects here, so that sounded good to me, especially because I’m not completely over my jealousy issues. He’s wayyyyy not over them, so I feel like he ought to understand.

Anyway, earlier tonight, Z asks me if he can hook up with his friend, LZ, and I say yes.  Then I asked him not to have piv sex with her.  And he balked and looked mopey.  I told him he could, but then hemmed and hawed and we’re due to talk about it tomorrow, but I don’t understand why he can’t just not have piv this one time?  ETA: Apparently he can?  And his dejection is just because it sucks for him I feel that way?  And not as a tool to get me to change my mind? Ugh. I’m glad that he wasn’t being manipulative, but I’m tired of apologizing so much. (Some of this bleeds over into my feels about how much of me feeling unable to disagree is me, and how much would be a red flag…)

I don’t know if this is a sign that maybe an open relationship isn’t right for me/us.  I want to feel happy for him getting pleasure while I’m gone or even while I’m there.  Maybe I can fake it til I make it?  I can see a version of me who is excited for him, but I’m not that person yet.

Next week mtl lyaum