#i miss my dad

One of the worst feelings in this world is mourning the loss of someone who isn’t dead, just not there anymore. When you have to go through the grief over someone who is still alive, they just don’t want you.

Dear Dad,

Today is your birthday.. I wish that I could forget when your birthday was. It would make it so much easier. I hate that I always get sad. This year will be seven years since you decided to leave me, leave our home, leave and start another life with another family. A family you decided to stop drinking and doing drugs for, god knows that I was never enough for you to stop. I dont know why I wasnt enough for you, why your family couldn’t have just been me and you. You left me. You abandoned me. You abandoned me with a STRANGER. You left me in the house of a woman I had only known a few days and you never came back. Thank god your mother stepped up and raised me. You left and that was the last I heard from you for two years. When you came back you had a wife and another family and you said that you wanted to be a part of my life again and you lied to me. You came to my 8th grade promotion, left halfway through, and I havent seen you since. That was almost five years ago. You couldn’t even be bothered to come to EITHER of my graduations, I know you knew about both of them. One of them was in your CITY and you STILL couldn’t be bothered to come and see me. I graduated high school with my associates degree, more than you did, and you still couldnt even send me a message saying congrats. I even tried to make amends and sent you a message asking for an address to send you a graduation announcement and you left me on read. We haven’t talked in years. You dont talk to me on the holidays, on my BIRTHDAY, either of my graduations, and you would think that eventually I would get the hint that you didnt want to talk to me, that you didnt want to be around me and maybe I could move on, but all I feel is pain. I don’t know why I keep trying to message you. Why I keep checking your social media to get some idea of how your life is. When you left me, you broke my heart. You ripped it out of my chest and took it with you to wherever you went and you never gave it back. You took my childhood. The day you left me was the day that I gave up any hope of being enough for anyone. If my own parents couldnt love me and stay, why would anyone else? You were my first heartbreak and you were by far the worst one because it keeps happening. Over and over again. Holidays and birthdays all I can think about is you. I have been through so much since then, things you will never know about because you didnt care enough to stay. You werent there the for the time a boy in middle school broke my heart for the first time, when all I wanted was for my dad to hug me and tell me it would get better, you were no where to be found. You will never know about the times I tried to kill myself. You werent there when my best friends stepdad recorded me naked in the shower when I was 13. You will never know how much I struggled with my mental health. You never taught me to drive a car, you werent there when my dog died, or when my cat died. You werent there when I would get into fights with my best friends and wished I had a parent to come home to. You werent there when my grandma was in the hospital and I was left completely alone. You werent there when I met my mom for the first time. You werent there when I tried to run away. You were never there. You were in a city, less than three hours away and couldnt be bothered to text me. We live in the same city now, I came here for college and we literally live in the same fucking place and you still cant be bothered to reach out. I know you know I am here. I know between my mom, grandma, and social media posts you know I am here, so close to you and its still not enough to get you to care. 

I would give anything not to feel this hollow empty feeling in my chest when I think of you or when I hear your name. I wish I could just stop caring about you because god knows I have been so much better without you. You were a drunk and a drug addict and even when you were here physically, you werent here mentally. I have done amazing things, you should be proud of me but youre gone and thats something that I have to live with every single day. I wish I could just move on and stop feeling all of this anger and rage and hate in my heart. I dont want it. I dont know how to move on from you when I never got the closure that I deserved. You were there one day and then the next day you just werent. I wish I knew why I wasnt good enough for you. It was supposed to be me and you against the world forever. I was supposed to be your child and you abandoned me and broke my fucking heart. I dont even know why I am writing this, its not like you will ever see it, and even if you did its not like you would care. Its your birthday, we are in the same city, and I have to be okay with the fact that I will never be enough for you.