#i just have a lot of feelings

One of the worst feelings in this world is mourning the loss of someone who isn’t dead, just not there anymore. When you have to go through the grief over someone who is still alive, they just don’t want you.

I don’t think I will ever be enough There is something broken inside of me, like I am just made of broken pieces someone couldn’t quite fit together in the way they were supposed to. Like I was shattered at some point and they gave up before they got it right. I don’t think this is how humans are supposed to feel and now I am just sad and alone and scared and I think this is how its always going to be..

I used to think we were going to be like a fairy tale. But the things you did to me? 

That was out of a horror movie.

March 4, 2021

Okay I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I don’t want speak to any of my close friends or family about it. Mostly because I might only feel this way because I’m pregnant and I don’t want to them to get the wrong idea of my boyfriend. But anyway first let me say this, I love him, I love my boyfriend very much. He makes me so happy… but only to a certain extent. I makes me happy sexually, when we joke around and when we’re just happy in general. But when we comes to serious things in our relationship he just shuts down and goes quite. I thought relationships were about the good and the bad? And what makes things worse is that I’m working but he isn’t. And I won’t be working for much longer because I have to have my baby in July so everything will be on him for awhile. We also still haven’t moved out, and I’m still technically homeless. I just wish I had the money to get my own apartment, my own place to stay were my child and I will be comfortable and safe. I’m honestly thinking about starting a go-fund me since my job is barely paying to anything. I have other bills that need to be paid also, so I really think a go fund me would help out a lot. But who would help? I really don’t know but it won’t hurt to try right? But on a lighter note, guess what?! I am now 19 weeks! And I’ll be 20 weeks on Sunday! It just hit me, I can’t believe I’ll actually be someone’s mother soon.. I really hope I’m a good mom. And I hope my baby loves me as much as I love it. I can feel it moving sometimes. It feels like little butterflies in there. I’m checking to find out the gender next week, and just to get a check up because your girl finally got insurance!!! I’m so happy! But that’s all I have for today. Talk to you later!

qqueenofhades:

If the SW sequel trilogy was like repeatedly getting smacked in the face with a barbed-wire bat, Kenobi is like getting your hand tenderly held and sweet nothings whispered into your ear while it nuzzles you.

Okay so, I made this post in a mostly tongue-in-cheek way last night, but also… yeah?

I’m not sure if it’s entirely due to being directed by a woman of color, but I can’t help but notice how drastically different the tone is to what most people might have expected, and how it almost totally destabilizes every single toxic masculinity sci-fi trope (no wonder the dudebros are so angry). Because:

Just as with Deborah Chow’s previous SW vehicle The Mandalorian, much of the plot revolves around a tough, cynical, lone-wolf warrior forced to lovingly nurture and parent a small child (and in Obi-Wan’s case, a small FEMALE child, zomgz). Not only that, but all the emotional turmoil revolves around Obi-Wan still savagely mourning Anakin (and for that matter, Padmé, ANOTHER WIMMINZ!) No matter whether you read their bond as platonic, queerplatonic, or romantic, the point is that our Tough Manly Hero (except not) is driven by tenderness, compassion, trauma, and the agony of losing his life partner, a pain to which he frequently returns and the narrative emphasises. Chow has explicitly called it a love story, again however you care to interpret that, but that is a FAR different framing and approach to the conflict rather than MACHO MACHO WARRIORS SMASH HATE ANGER! I mean, sure, maybe on Vader’s part, but also the narrative in no uncertain terms frames it as wrong.

That, I think, is what drives the dudebros crazy, as much as the fact that the primary agency in the story belongs to a black woman. I reblogged a meta recently about how it’s problematic that the new SW material thinks that it can just change the villains to be more diverse without addressing the reasons why white men are more inherently drawn to the Empire’s power structure in the first place, and I think Reva has been somewhat under-developed by the narrative in the four episodes thus far. I would like to see them do more with her overall, but the fact remains that she is the primary plot driver of conflict and action. She takes a step or makes a choice, and Obi-Wan reacts to that, not the other way around. He spends much of his time in relation to her on the defense, and doesn’t even particularly try to go on the offensive.

It’s clear that the dudebros far prefer Vader’s style of things, as he relentlessly manipulates, murders, and punishes everyone in his vicinity, rather than Obi-Wan who just goes around being sad, parenting Vader’s child, feeling emotions, and otherwise busily deconstructing every single trope of the Rough and Tough Lone Warrior. He is about as non-toxic and driven by emotions (primarily love and compassion) as it’s possible to be, and the actions he does take and the adventures he goes on are instigated and facilitated by women. He has to be, as noted, a nurturing surrogate parent to Leia. He has to rely on Tala (another woman of color) for her expertise and skills as leader of a resistance cell. He never tries to confront Reva directly; he’s mostly just focused on getting safely away from her. In short, he totally removes every common indicator that you’d expect from a Hard Bitten Macho Sci Fi hero, and makes it generally impossible for these whiny pissbabies to project themselves onto him, despite being an iconic white male character of an iconic sci-fi franchise. Which is why, I think, their panties are in such a bunch.

I desperately want to see a one-on-one scene with Obi-Wan and Reva, and what I want most (and if I don’t get it, I’ll write it) is a moment where he apologizes to her for failing to prevent the Temple from being destroyed and the younglings, Reva’s classmates and friends and supposed-to-be fellow future Jedi, from being slaughtered in the one place they were supposed to be safe. (Watching that scene just a few days after Uvalde was… oof.) Of course, it’s not actually Obi-Wan’s fault, but you can bet that he does blame himself intensely for it, and it would again drive the racist asshats crazy. Things can, of course, be read on levels outside the strictly textual and surface-level, and the visual of the white man hero humbling himself before the black female antihero (Reva isn’t a villain like Vader, she’s clearly an antihero), and explicitly acknowledging the part he has played in failing to make a better system and a better world for her to live in, a world where she could have been safe and could have been what she was truly meant to be, would be incredibly powerful. It could also serve as an external, metatextual apology for the terrible way that John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, and Kelly Marie Tran were treated during the sequels. (And which, of course, Moses Ingram is now getting herself, since people suck.)

Anyway, contrast the Obi-Wan of the Kenobi series – desperately in touch with his emotions, grieving the loss of his male life partner, parenting that life partner’s young daughter, led by and reacting to the agency of powerful women of color, and otherwise rejecting every opportunity to be a Big Bad Action Dude – with the ham-handed Everything Is Bad Now grimdark and wanton character destruction of the sequel trilogy. There is an absolutely HUGE difference between the two, and no wonder the racist, misogynist, homophobic white fanboys can’t imprint themselves on Obi-Wan and are throwing a fit as a result. He is everything they hate the most, and obviously, that is great news for the rest of us.

and yet again we are in a cultural situation where everybody’s very quick to focus on the negative things that reinforce bigoted stereotypes while doing zero work to uplift or share the actual diverse media representation that was featured

like. a film about disability won the top prize and i have seen zero mention of it. openly queer folks and people of color won many major awards. this was an impressive year for women in technical roles.

please for the love of god consider how what you don’t mention says as much about your interest in diversity as what you do say

I swear to god, years from now, all you’ll have to say is “you’re hoping Castiel will return to you” and I will become a gross blubbering mess all over again

me peeking at some of these deleted scenes like, ah yes, supergirl, the show so graceful at messaging it’s like watching someone considersmashing a glass window with a hammer and then being like “but what if i drove through it with a truck instead”

it’s been two months since supergirl ended and i’m still weirdly annoyed at everything about it