When we’re very small, we act based on instinct. We react to the things we see, hear, and feel. Then, as we learn and understand more, we do what we’re directed to do by parents or authorities; we what people tell us to do. As language becomes more meaningful to us, we talk to ourselves, and we start to tell ourselves what to do, eventually learning to obey ourselves. We manage to use language to direct our actions. First we talk to ourselves out loud to get ourselves to do the things we want to do, and then that voice retreats inside us and becomes an inner monologue. Eventually that inner monologue sinks so deeply into us that we become largely unaware of it, but it’s still there: apparently the muscles in our faces still move imperceptibly when we’re deep inside our own heads. We still react and we still have instincts, but we also function based on what we plan and tell ourselves to do. We control our bodies with language.
So that’s all terribly interesting, but here’s the thing: people with ADHD are about 30% delayed on this whole process. People with ADHD come to their inner monologues 30% later than their neurotypical peers, and while they can catch up to a certain degree, that progress eventually stops. People with ADHD have immature inner voices.
My name is Ivy Blossom, and I write fiction. Mostly fiction written using a strong first person narrative voice. I have done so because I’ve been trying to match the experience of having a voice in my head that I use to understand the world around me and what people are up to, and to decide what to do next. I have written in this way as if it’s a universal experience, only now to discover that it’s not.
I have recently learned that I have severe ADHD.
So what I’m pondering is this: is my fiction evidence of my delayed and immature inner voice? Have I been writing in first person narrative because my own inner voice isn’t as sophisticated and as deep inside me as its supposed to be? Maybe I talk to myself with words more than other people do. Is it my delayed development showing?
All this time I have been blithely writing what I was cockily sure was a universal human experience, and it’s a little embarrassing to discover that I may have been just showing my whole ass this whole time.
One of the hardest things about being LGBTQ+ that nobody seems to talk about is that so many of us have to start our own families from scratch because ours won’t accept us.
I’m about to be 23 years old, and i’ve seen people with money and people without money grow up. Here’s a couple differences i’ve picked up from (doesn’t apply to everyone)
Kids with more money typically had money in their youth. Mainly from having a job.
Kids without money were more likely do go home and do whatever tf they wanted with their time.
As adults those who grew up with money more than likely have more lavish (we not taking kim k lavish, just causal nice looking lives) lives today whether it be starting families, leasing cars, buying homes, ect ect.
Those who grew up without are still in a childish mindset, living at home, working a job just to have money to go out and do whatever they want, ect blahzay blahzay. ON THE FLIP SIDE these adults are also the most creative mother fers, starting businesses, working on their craft and passions everything. It’s amazing to see honestly. that being able to keep your childhood lead to more creative adults.
This still begs the question, what is a fear of success? I believe, and you take what resonates, that a fear of success comes from the experience of how difficult it was for your family to make enough money growing up. Some don’t fear success they fear unhappiness and know that their success will make them happy. To change the game for yourself would mean facing the unknown.
and we know how scary that shit is.
So now i ask myself, do i fear success, do i fear uncertainty, or do I fear failure?
In hindsight and for the future, maybe we need to find a balance. i’m choosing to live ✨LAVISH✨ and starting young would of been a nice jumpstart. Love that i’m who i am just wish i had a better idea of where i was going when i was younger. But where i’m heading wouldn’t have existed had i not gone through it all.
