#fear of failure

looking into a heart-shaped mirror,

seeing ringlets and lace and long long lashes, thinking.

thinking,I’m the prettiest doll

that I’m ever going to be.

my doll-house is where I keep my victories.

over-achiever, people-pleaser;

I spend all my time

before some kind of mirror –

it’s easier to believe you’re a pleasure to teach

when you’re a pleasure to see.

I wonder,

just how long

before my china shoulders shatter?

I won’t be fuckable forever.

what if I end up as a grave

that no stranger will never admire?

go at your own pace,

says the old woman

who lives in my head.

she rocks, on a rocking chair;

I rock with her, try and listen

when she says, calm down.

you have so many years ahead of you.

open my jewellery box. a thousand baubles

for a hundred achievements –

and which one of them is enough?

flowers blossom beautifully and die quickly:

maybe I’m done. maybe my season’s up.

choker of pearls. aren’t you a pretty girl?

I’m not so special as they said,

and my luck will not forever last –

I’ll fail, soon. and I’d rather be dead.

we are rocking, still. harder, now:

my nails bite into my calves.

my breathing is shallow, sharp:

a sad stream, shuddering through

a Winter wall of jagged rocks.

fall, my old woman suggests, voice soft

like a skipping stone. cry. I’ll catch you.

I don’t.

‘I wrote this instead,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1259

‘I know the fire burns,

but is it truly hot? Truly bright?

Is it doomed to fade, entirely unknown,

in a dark and uncaring night?

Will these flickers of potential

turn out to be nothing after all—

what if I am nothing noteworthy?

what if I cannot climb higher? Will only fall?’

'potential,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1256

Anon wrote: I’m afraid of choosing the wrong major (I’m a 20F INFJ). After discovering you blog, I’ve never felt so whole in my life, and I’m deeply grateful to you for it.

While reading the asks and some of your personal things, you inspired me to take initiative in choosing philosophy as my major. Wholeheartedly, I never thought I could be able to choose that one bc I always felt incapable of choosing a career of that caliber, although deep and unconsciously inside me I strongly dreamed of focusing my lifetime on that field, but feared of completely losing myself in philosophy and not paying attention to the real world at all.

My parents were skeptical about it because they don’t want me to grow a bad root of snobbery (specially my father, but due not letting me choose something that didn’t feel right to him). I honestly wasn’t the real me my whole life, I always imagined myself as a creative, playful, inwarded artistic person (in my experience, an INFP), and holded that facade in front of everyone (specially my father) to not feel that I was expecting more of the world than the normal person, and to not feel that I was a “fake” one (which is a big Fe misconception, I know…).

Now I know it all started when I joined art communities in the internet a decade ago… I’m aware that I did escapism when doing paintings and drawings and diving in fiction, they made me focus more on Fi-Ne subconsciously, which let to me always being on Se grips, and feeling righteous when anyone tried to deny me that facade.

Now I understand I can be wholly myself, even if my father or anyone (including myself) doesn’t really agree with me, but just because they don’t like my style of doing things (he’s an ENFJ). I’m so happy I can feel I can be independent now and take interest in other people regardless of ANY difference. I’m more compassionate and more integrated in doing fun things with people than before :) and it’s such a great sensation.

I’m a VERY ignorant person in the field but it doesn’t bother me at all, I’m so excited to get into it and dive in philosophical thinking (now all the routines I’ve developed are made to maintain myself healthy and resilient in my career instance, and overall my life instance), I truly feel a life purpose now but I don’t know how to start properly.

I’ve searched for guides, videos, podcasts but they all made me more anxious because the themes are so broad, I even start feeling the rumination pull for not finding an idea that I resonate with in a sea of so much other ideas, and that makes me fear if I can truly manage the themes (perhaps I get blocked at some point when I don’t understand something for not having enough resources and then start to do escapism through art again or in anything else because I can’t find a proper closure to my problems. I developed my artistic skills through the years but I can’t really grab a pencil and a paper for drawing anymore because now It’s a clear sign to me that I’m gonna use it to escape from my own life again). I fear quitting the career and waste my parents’ money on it cause I wasn’t sure of my decision.

I’m sure my functions are undeveloped at the moment because I just started to truly know myself this year and started to have an academic routine again after a whole year of academic stagnation and isolation (also my main language isn’t english), so I’m sorry if this message is messy or sounds weird, repetitive, or something else.

—————–

What is your question exactly? You’re speaking out of both sides of your mouth, saying that you’ve never felt more whole and happy with your choice yet also saying that you’re not sure and worry about it. What is the truth here?

Do you think just because you know what you want to do that life should be easy for you from now on? That’s not realistic, is it? Do you believe you should already know a lot before you begin your studies? Then you wouldn’t need to pay big bucks to learn and earna degree, would you?

You fear failure because you don’t have enough faith in yourself, you don’t have enough trust in the world, and you don’t extend yourself the **compassion** to live life for yourself, at your own pace. If you are truly a mature and independent adult, then you fully own every success and failure, without hesitation, and learn from both. But, like a child, you still hope to take credit for the successes and disown the failures, because you fear being judged as a failure and living with yourself as a failure. Your perspective on failure is still too tied to your ego identity. When you get hijacked by fear of failure, it leads you into nonsense thinking and overthinking. Perhaps you should get some therapy to learn how to handle your fear and anxiety better.

The future is never guaranteed no matter what you do. Instead of wasting your time and energy trying to “get on top” of the future, be fully present and perform your tasks well. How you choose to direct your focus is what determines the quality of your future. If you choose to focus on all the things that could go wrong, you’ll spiral into anxiety and despair and have no energy left for doing real work. If you choose to focus on developing your potential properly, you will keep opening up new vistas for growth, thereby leaving you with no reason whatsoever to fear the future. Even if things don’t work out, it’s not the end of the world. You will have learned something, grown a bit, and you can springboard from there into something else, can’t you? Is there a law stating that you can only do one thing in life?

What does “fear of success” actually mean?

I’m about to be 23 years old, and i’ve seen people with money and people without money grow up. Here’s a couple differences i’ve picked up from (doesn’t apply to everyone)

Kids with more money typically had money in their youth. Mainly from having a job.

Kids without money were more likely do go home and do whatever tf they wanted with their time.

As adults those who grew up with money more than likely have more lavish (we not taking kim k lavish, just causal nice looking lives) lives today whether it be starting families, leasing cars, buying homes, ect ect.

Those who grew up without are still in a childish mindset, living at home, working a job just to have money to go out and do whatever they want, ect blahzay blahzay. ON THE FLIP SIDE these adults are also the most creative mother fers, starting businesses, working on their craft and passions everything. It’s amazing to see honestly. that being able to keep your childhood lead to more creative adults.

This still begs the question, what is a fear of success? I believe, and you take what resonates, that a fear of success comes from the experience of how difficult it was for your family to make enough money growing up. Some don’t fear success they fear unhappiness and know that their success will make them happy. To change the game for yourself would mean facing the unknown.

and we know how scary that shit is.

So now i ask myself, do i fear success, do i fear uncertainty, or do I fear failure?

In hindsight and for the future, maybe we need to find a balance. i’m choosing to live ✨LAVISH✨ and starting young would of been a nice jumpstart. Love that i’m who i am just wish i had a better idea of where i was going when i was younger. But where i’m heading wouldn’t have existed had i not gone through it all.

Today

“What are you waiting for”

is a question that’s been tormenting me as of late

Cuz I’ve always been waiting

But I’ve been unclear on the what, or even the why

Thewhen is always changing

From “next week”

To “next year”

To the recurring, excited bursts of “today!!”

Which then becomes last week

Then last year

Then never mind

“Extensive yet unfulfilled” can be used to describe more than my notes section

It can be used to describe the many ideas and ambitions which undoubtedly grow tired of a lifetime confined to my mind

When they just want to live

It can be used to describe my 27 years on this earth

Which have been largely unremarkable

Spent devotedly waiting for a what and a when that’ll likely never come

I’m tired of waiting, and I just want to live

WellIletmelive?