she couldn’t really help but agree with sunmi, it was indeed fast for her to learn and*roma’s title track– and it had felt like a cruel joke to her at the time but she was a trainee and just like she had learned the other senior groups choreos… she also had to learn and*roma’s, the thought that she might have been apart of the group entered her mind for a moment but she quickly pushed it out of her mind. she wouldn’t be in and*roma, that wasn’t her place and especially not now when she was considering auditioning for sphere.
sunmi’s encouragement helped her, it made her feel somewhat reassured in her choice and it was true she was leaning towards auditioning, more than not– “you regret leaving sphere for nova unnie?” she lifts her brows, her lips pursed slightly at she gazes at the female curiously… would she regret leaving nova in the future if she did pass the audition?
while listening to the older speak she nods her head along, she had many good points– she couldn’t help but agree. nova wasn’t doing anything for her now, she felt at a loss, “i don’t want to wait that long, i’m not that patient,” she nods, she wasn’t– sooyoung glances at sunmi for a moment, hesitant about what she should say next, “i’ll be rooting for you when you get to choreograph and write your own music, “ she smiles, hoping that she will be in the industry to see that day… regardless of where she was she would be rooting for them.
“i…,” she start glancing over at the older, feeling reluctant– “if i audition, i am going make it my make it or break it a moment,” she finally expresses her thoughts her eyes shifting away from the female and up at the ceiling with a sad smile, “if i don’t make it, i plan to leave and go back to my old job, i’ll be content– i’ll know that i tried but i don’t think i’ll be able to handle getting told no to two different groups and two different companies.”
it was no secret that she had been heartbroken after the rejection from and*roma, she was sure the members of the group knew because sooyoung had actively distanced herself from them and been incredibly hesitant to talk with them again.
“i did,” sunmi says. she had to be honest. a part of her really saw how much she gave up in the long run by coming to nova. “sphere was doing a lot with me as a trainee. i was getting far better exposure. but once i came to nova opportunities didn’t come. i thought i had to go to nova because it was the company that i said i wanted to be in but i ended up with sphere. the reality is that i learned so much more in sphere and i took it all for granted. sphere gave me so much. i left on good terms but i couldn’t help but wonder how much better i would have felt as a trainee had i stayed.”
the thought always stuck around with her, especially when debuts started rolling out and nova was the last amongst the companies to do anything. it felt like a cruel joke. “it used to plague me a lot when i saw my friends debuting yet i was still in nova. i’ve been a trainee for almost six years before debuting. and because i was older i was almost convinced that nova wouldn’t want to debut me because they waited too long and would cast me aside.” she can’t hide that it was a very real fear that she felt. though…is this a much better fate? she can’t be too sure.
“i’ll be rooting for you too.” sunmi wanted nothing more than for everyone to succeed. honestly, she thinks sooyoung’s talents might serve her well in sphere. she honestly had nothing to lose. nothing would come of her any time soon if she stuck around in nova. she might as well try.
sunmi nods. she can understand that feeling. the supernova project was her personal make or break moment after all. she can’t sit there and tell sooyoung she was ridiculous for feeling that way. everyone has their own limits. and sunmi’s mistake was that she kept waiting for far too long. “don’t waste your youth doing this. i don’t want you making the same choices i did. there is nothing wrong with going back to a regular job.”
she pushes her food around for a moment before looking up at sooyoung. “i think you’ll be able to do it though. i’ll be waiting for you to have your moment. you deserve it.”
She found herself in the middle of a metaphor. Standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into the deep pools below. No idea what lay underneath that shining surface, the hint of the darkness underneath it disguised by the ever-helpful sunshine. It seemed ominous. It seemed inviting.
He’d called her with a question. A single word, and not even a good word at that. Just a ‘So?’ on the other end of the line like he expected her to have made a decision. As if a week was long enough to redefine yourself as a person. As if a week was long enough to even consider it. She’d mumbled something incoherent and put the phone down. It had run again, three rings, and then nothing.
The next time he rang she had an answer, but it was a delay, the kind of answer that goes nowhere, finds a door to slip through that isn’t forwards and isn’t backwards. It just hangs out in some stranger’s living room for a while, before you’re ready to make a proper commitment. He’d laughed on the other end of the line, and that sound had made her feel smaller than she knew she could. Her blush had hung up for her.
Her toes dug into the rock, feeling little imperfections dig into the thick skin like insistent fingers, urging her to forsake this lump of geography and fling that body into the unknown. Take the leap, and have the faith that you’ll come out on top, either way. Someone asked if she was going to stare into the water all day, whether she was vain enough to be enamoured with her own reflection. She didn’t listen.
She just had that question hovering in her mind like a guilty verdict. It lacked faith in her, and it was sapping what little she had in herself. It was an accusing finger, a laughing bully, leering over her shoulder whenever she did anything. It was leering there, now, two words and the squiggle of a question mark, innocuous, mocking.
I’ve been unhappy in my job for a while. In my best moments I have gratitude for my job, I TRY to be grateful that I’m employed and stay present while I am at work, but there are particulars that make me feel undervalued, though I have more to offer. I’ve been practicing acceptance, my daily reprieve is to turn it over and know that better things lie ahead, but it’s so hard sometimes. I get frustrated and I get sad (so sad). But the thing is, I don’t love being sad anymore, it’s not romantic and it’s not comfortable. When I’m sad, I work even harder to get out of the sadness because I know there’s a lightness on the other side. I walked through a lot of fear recently on the way of the Blues and went on an interview, I put myself out there and the doubts and the insecurities were rampant in my mind. I’m so thrilled to say I got the job! I will be making a big life change, not dramatically (although that’s definitely my impulse - cue Jerry Maguire exit). I’m stepping cautiously into this next chapter - it’s strange to be an adult and make mature considerations for my future (health insurance? setting aside money for taxes?). It’s new, but I’m ready for it. Scared, yes, but ready. Because of sobriety, I know I’m going to be okay.
