If a man gave me a lil pat on the head and wrapped his big ol arms around me and gave me a lil forehead kiss I would simply melt into a puddle at his feet and evaporate into the air around him.

So it’s been a few months now and I’ve moved on. After things ended with N I was apparently convinced that I needed more punishment. So what did I do? I joined a dating site and paid for a whole year!

Jesus what’s wrong with me?

I’ve never paid for membership on a dating site before, ever. Presently, I’m on two but I’ve only paid for one. But you know what’s funny? I’ve had more luck with the free one than the paid one. I’ve actually talked to more people even though I’ve gone on one date through each. 

Anyway I still think about N every now and then, not very often though. Three Wednesdays ago I got a text from her. She asked if I had left a phone message that morning. I haven’t left her a message since the day she broke up with me. She did share the message and it sort of did sound like my voice but it wasn’t me. She thinks it may have been a stepson from a previous marriage. 

Anyway I asked her why she dumped me the way she did. She said she was so mad at me for not “disclosing” that I might wear panties. I said that I only made a suggestion but didn’t reveal that I actually wear panties. She was so mad that she blocked my number for a week. She said it was just a reaction for the way she felt. 

She said she was also concerned that I didn’t want to jump her as soon as I saw her without any clothes on. I told her about my limitations. She said she just couldn’t live without conventional sex, that it had always been a part of her life. I knew going in that things were unlikely to last very long but being presented with an opportunity to have a relationship with someone I’d wanted to have 30 years ago was just too tempting. 

We continued texting for the next couple of hours and I got her to be friends again with me. She even “friended” me on social media. I was grateful that I was able to get answers to my questions and have a bit of “closure” to the whole thing. 

The next day she sent me a pic of a cassette of a band I was familiar with. Her ex brother in law is a guy that I sort of know from a local music store. She said she found it unpacking some boxes left over from the move into her current apartment. We texted back and forth for a while but not nearly as long as the day before. 

On the 4th she sent me a text asking how I was doing. She said she was getting ready to go visit her best friend for the weekend. At the end of our conversation she said “take care my friend”. The word “friend” kind of stung a little but that’s what we are now. 

here are a few of the best relationship quotes I’ve come across over the years. 

“you don’t have to sacrifice yourself in order to be loved” ~christieinge.com

“I mean I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure the dude making you cry every day isn’t your soulmate” ~unknown

“A soft reminder – Not everything that weighs you down is yours to carry” ~Juansen Dizon

“can we dead the idea that ‘no one will love you until you love yourself’ when it’s more like if you don’t recognize your own value you’re more likely to endure mistreatment that you don’t deserve” ~@afrhoes

“stop shrinking yourself to fit places you’ve outgrown” ~unknown

“Do not question an old love, a done love. Don’t touch it, search through it, rip it apart. Let it be what it was and put it away somewhere untouched. And then walk away from it into your own life. Let it hurt. Until it doesn’t.” ~unknown

“don’t light yourself on fire trying to brighten someone else’s existence” ~whisper

“Your relationship should be your place of peace…It should be the place where all armour comes off, egos are humbled and transparency reigns supreme” ~Rachel L

“Don’t let empathy force you into staying in spaces that poison your spirit, and drag your soul in the mud. You can leave whenever you want to. goodbyes can taste bitter in the moment, but the aftertaste can be so sweet” ~iambrillyant

So many girls/women I know blame themselves when men are violent or abusive towards them. “He hit me, but I deserved it because of the way I…” or “yes he hit me but it was my own fault because I…” Here’s the thing, though. Women are never hit without a reason being given, but that reason is NEVER a good one. Yes, maybe you did something that, in a spiraling chain of events eventually ended up with him hitting you. But hitting is never an appropriate response to ANYTHING, no matter what you do. So while you may feel responsible and take the blame for it because an action of yours precipitated the abuse, you are not at fault for how he reacted.  (Note: I am aware that men are the victims of domestic violence as well. However, I’m speaking from my experience as a woman) 

So people are like the periodic table of elements… there’re the alkali metals and the alkaline earth—super reactive. they’re the ones that are dating someone every other week, always in an out of relationships, have chemistry with EVERYONE. Then there’s the noble gases and they’re the forever alone… and then there’s everyone in between 

they say “it was worth the wait”and I mean, yes, absolutely, it is 100% worth the wait, but the fact is, the wait is HARD, and when you’re waiting, you’re not only waiting, you’re worrying hoping that the wait isn’t in vain, and that’s the hard part. its not the time thats hard. its the worry and fear that you’re waiting for something that’ll never happen. if you told someone that 100% they’d find their person by 25, it would be a lot easier. its not the wait thats hard, its the uncertainty, the worry that you’re not good enough, and if you’re not worried about that you’re worried that the kind of person you’re looking for doesn’t exist. that’s what’s hard, and being told, “yeah i waited a long time but it was worth it” doesn’t take away the fear and uncertainty. “well I waited a long time, you’re only…[insert age]” doesn’t help. if it was assured, the wait would be easy. you’d simply fill your life with other stuff and stop worrying about it, always knowing that it’ll be okay. and that’s the best advice i can give to someone who is waiting: live your life as if you’re promised it’ll happen. its better than worrying, and it means you’ll enjoy your singleness, and you’ll be a more interesting person for it.  also, a friend told me: the person you marry has such a big impact on the rest of your life, its too big a thing for God not to be involved. so He will be. you don’t have to be afraid that he won’t be, or that he won’t hear you. and never settle! thats another thing that people say a lot, and let me tell you, it’s true. however: its also overused and cliche and hard to listen to or take seriously. so heres some explanation:

1. if you settle, you’ll always have the nagging feeling of, “what if i’d waited just that little bit longer…"
2. this is literally gluing your life to another person for the rest of your life. you want to be 100% sure. this is the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. you GET to be picky
3. dating sucks if it’s the wrong person. you’re constantly worried, disappointed, anxious.
4. the person has to feel right, otherwise you’ll always be dissatisfied and be questioning
5. things can go badly badly wrong if you settle for someone who you deep down know you shouldn’t.
6. “everyone deserves a ‘I didn’t know it could be this good’ kind of love”. settling is NOT that. if you know what you want, then wait for it, otherwise you’ll never be satisfied (especially if you’ve seen it or experienced it before).

1. Don’t overload your first semester. Starting college is a huge transition and you will likely be more tired than you would be otherwise because you are trying to adjust. Also, college classes go at a different pace than high school, so while taking 4 classes may not sound like much, it has the potential to kill you if you’re not careful

2. Don’t worry if you feel overwhelmed and lonely. First semester sucks for pretty much everyone. It takes a while to find the type of people you can connect with. 

3. Start or join a small group. I’m speaking from my experience as a Christian, but this applies to other religions/groups as well. Second semester I started a Bible study for girls with an acquaintance, not only did it provide a weekly spiritual re-centering, the intimate atmosphere of praying, talking and studying the Bible together led to some of the closest friendship I had.

4. Even if you feel insecure, reach out to people. Likely, they’re wishing someone would reach out to them as much as you. Most of the time, people will not find you annoying for initiating conversations or suggesting hang outs. Get to know people in your classes. Even if it’s just the person sitting next to you. Even if they don’t end up being a close friend, it’s really nice to have at least one familiar person with you.Go to events. It will be scary. You will not know people. You may be miserable. You may come away having met or made friends with no one. But eventually, you will start to recognize people. And even that is valuable when you don’t know anyone. It helps you feel a lot less lost.

5. Stay out of relationships until you have a solid girlfriend base. Let’s be real, relationships don’t always succeed, and not having a good support group can make a break up a hundred times worth.Don’t be afraid to drift from your high school friends, but also don’t cut them off. It’s good to explore new friendships, but high school friends can be dependable, long term friends that can be there for you in the absence of new friendships. 

6. Confidence and kindness go a long way in making friends. If you are confident and kind, it is safe to assume assume that people like you.

7. Don’t neglect your spiritual life. It’s so easy to do when you’re so busy, but finding a church community can be a great source of community. Connecting with God can help a lot with loneliness and fear.

8. Don’t stay up too late even tho you have the freedom to do so. IT’S NOT WORTH IT! Getting enough sleep will help with avoiding the freshman 15, help you do better in classes and overall make you feel better.

9. If you hate your major, give it at least a semester, but after that don’t be afraid to change it. Everyone has moments of doubt about their major, but make sure you aren’t confusing overwhelmed-ness for dislike of your major. Also, first semester you’re often taking pre-reqs so five yourself time to actually see what real classes in the major are like

0 - The Leap this is when you take the plunge and let yourself begin to fall. 

1 - Falling This is the honeymoon phase everyone talks about. Includes giddiness, constant excitement, dreaminess, drawing hearts everywhere, smiling all the time. There’s also a fair amount of anxiety as you aren’t sure yet if it’s right. This is especially true if you’ve been hurt before. 

2 - Sinking This is when the crazy giddiness starts to wear off. You’re still falling, but more slowly, there’s more substance, and a warmth and peace starts to grow around your relationship. 

3 - Digging You find yourself on solid ground. All the low hanging fruit of getting to know each other is gone, to get deeper you have to really dig into who they are, ask deep questions, have big conversations. It takes effort, but it’s worth it. Deep friendship starts to form. It’s more work, but the reward is also greater.

4 - Building You have become each others’ best friends. You know each other SO WELL. You start working as a team, creating, planning, making memories, establishing relational and life habits and having experiences. What you build now will become the foundation for a life together into the future. 

what comes after these stages? I don’t know yet. I guess we’ll find out :) 

I’m a Christian, and partially because of that, my boyfriend and I have decided to wait until marriage until having sex. this is an idea I grew up with, and committed to at an early age, but no one told me HOW HARD it would be. we all know guys have high sex drives. no one told me girls did too. anyway, for those of you who find yourselves in the same or a similar predicament, here’s some things that have worked for me: 

1. There are three paths. One leads to holding hands (e.g. bumping elbows, brushing fingers), the second leads to kissing (touching faces together), and the third leads beyond that. Know which path you’re going to choose ahead of time, and don’t start down the path that you don’t want to go along. It’s a lot easier to stay outside the gate than it is to go back once you’ve started down the path. 

2. Keep yourself accountable to either a person or your journal. That will help you gauge right/wrong (i.e. if something isn’t right you’ll likely be hesitant to write down or tell someone that you’re doing it, especially if you wrote/told them ahead of time you wouldn’t do it). 

3. Going backwards ISN’T THAT HARD. I was always told that once you’ve done something, you can’t stop. that’s not true at all. it’s actually easier than holding back on something to begin with because having done it removes that “forbidden fruit” effect, and you realize, oh, not doing it actually isn’t that hard. (this may not go for some of the more emotionally intimate stuff). all this to say, if you’re doing something that you want to stop but feel like it’s too late because “you can’t go backwards”, it isn’t too late. 

4. Don’t keep bringing up the thing you’re trying not to do with each other. make a plan then DON’T talk about how hard it is to stay at – you’ll likely convince each other of a LOT like that. 

5. Find the sweet spot, where staying back is easier than going forward. There comes a point where the self control of staying a bit back is less effort than the self control required to ‘safely’ go forward – like staying closer to the edge of a river and fighting the urge to go out further is easier than fighting the current while you’re in it. 

6. NEVER do something just because other person wants to. Your dis-want is more important than their want. Similarly, you must be willing to not do something that the other doesn’t want. Don’t use the fact that the other person wants to do something as an excuse to do something you really aren’t sure you’re comfortable with 

7. Avoid media that gets thoughts going. Half the battle is in your thoughts. Don’t make it harder for yourself than it needs to be. 

8. Accept that you won’t get it perfect and you’ll make mistakes. It’s a learning curve, and you’ll have to make course corrections. Mistakes aren’t un-fixable. The important thing is that you learn from them and don’t let them happen again. 

9. If you’re a Christian, remember that God forgives. In the words of Jesus, go, and sin no more. If you’ve messed up, ask God for forgiveness and strength, then pick yourself back up and do better. 

hope this helps! 

find a guy who

it’s okay to miss someone, but you aren’t nothing now they’re gone. there are many beautiful people in the world, and you have a lot of time to meet them all. you’ll find another one who makes you feel like everything, and another, and another. some will stay, and some won’t, and that’s okay.

So one time I had to read this kid something severely. Some background: He was basically trolling my relationship which I’ve said normally wouldn’t bug me but then he literally went to Jake and said something like “you deserve better”, meaning him. If you’ve read one of my posts before, you know that sometimes this happens. luckyjake is perfect and some dudes are just that bold. Well this was the first dude to do that.

There was a night where this guy was just blowing up Jake’s phone while he was visiting me at University, right? And Jake is like “idk what to do, I told him I’m not interested” and I was just like hand me the phone next time he calls. I answer the phone and yeah he’s alarmed that I’m actually confronting him and setting some things straight. I’m surprised this dude stayed on the phone as long as he did, most of his responses were “Uh, yeah”, “OK. I understand”, “I’m sorry”. And to end it I said, “Look you don’t know me but I know you. I know your type. You’re just like all those other Disney Entertainment-queens that sniffs around for drama and breaking hearts but soon that well is gonna dry up and so is your face. You won’t be young and cute anymore and you’ll find that you’ve wasted your time and amounted to nothing. You’ll be no one.”

Well anyway, I’m telling you this story not because I wanna remind you how awesome I am but actually… Yeah, maybe. I am so egotistical. Because yo, this guy Scot- 4 years later showed up liking a ton of my Instagram photos yesterday but didn’t follow. If that isn’t “pay attention to me” in Internet, then I don’t know what it is. Lemme tell you, Scot is looking real fresh. He apparently models out west and is doing really well for himself. Jake thinks it’s his way of burying the hatchet. I think it’s his way of saying “Ha! You were wrong, Vladimir! I became someone!” And I just wanna be like…

You’re welcome.

snailsrightsactivist:

dtsguru:

voidbat:

painandcats:

- Make sure the place where you’re going is accessible!  Your date might opt to use a wheelchair that day, and if they’re using a cane, best to make sure there aren’t a silly number of stairs involved in whatever date you’re considering.

- Call ahead to the place to see if wheelchairs are available to borrow if you’re going somewhere that involves a lot of walking and standing around, like a museum.

- If your date is using a cane, they likely only have one arm to hold things.  Consider bringing their food/drinks to the table along with yours– let them claim a booth while you get the food!

- Be prepared and willing to be someone’s physical support sometimes, especially if your date is having a rough leg day.

- Be prepared for a Plan B Date: it’s so awesome to have a back-up plan for the date if the day comes around and your person is spoonless.  Believe me, it’ll mean a lot.

i just really want to add some from my own experience:

• ask yourself, really ask yourself if you’re fine with plans being cancelled at the last second, cancelled mid-event, and for plans to often be “come over to my house and lump on the couch with me” - if you aren’t? don’t date somebody with chronic pain/fatigue. especially if you will take that sort of thing personally and/or hold it against the person. if you date me, you date my disabilities. i have to deal with them, so do you.
  
• if you are grocery shopping with someone who uses a mobility aid like a cane or rollator, and that person is pushing the cart? DO. NOT. MOVE. THE CART. while they are using the cart, it is taking the place of their normal mobility aid and moving it is like moving their leg. DON’T DO IT. i have fallen in grocery stores more times than i want to think about due to an ex who couldn’t get it through his head that THIS IS MY CANE RIGHT NOW and would just grab the basket and drag it somewhere.
• if your date says “no, it’s fine, i’ve got it” when you try to do something? let them. just let them. my disabilities takes so much away from me, the things i can actually do are things i am proud of. it makes me feel better to be able to do things for myself. i detest nothing more than an able-bodied person INSISTING on doing something that i can do myself, even though i’ve said multiple times that i’d prefer to do it myself. it says volumes on what that person really thinks of my abilities as a functional human, none of them positive. i get that you’re trying to help, but i promise, taking away what autonomy we do have? not helpful.
• learn to tell your date beforehand what the date will entail. learn to look for the things your date would need to know. i had an ex that never factored in things like “walking half a mile” or “it’s a three story walkup with no elevator” because those things were no problem for him. i, on the other hand, would arrive at the destination crying from pain and unable to enjoy a damn thing - and exhausted in advance by knowing i’d have to repeat the journey just to get back home. don’t be afraid to ask your date what things they need to have taken into consideration. ask what accessibility options are necessary for them when it comes to cane/wheelchair access, how much access there is to regular seating, how much walking will happen, how many stairs there are. if you go to a movie and the only parking is way in the back, ask if they’d rather you drop them up front while you get a spot - because sometimes traversing a large parking lot is the difference between watching a movie and sleeping through it, or being too distracted by pain to follow it. by and large, we know our limitations and it means the world to have someone say “hey i want to take you to this exhibit, i think you’d really enjoy it! there’s several stairs to the entrance and the wheelchair ramp is kind of obnoxiously far away, so it’s either a bunch of walking or deal with stairs to get in there, but once you’re inside there’s a lot of comfortable benches and not a whole lot of walking.” because they thought about how you navigate the environment. 
• if your date is using a rollator or wheelchair, make sure your car (or whatever form of transportation you are going to be using) has space to put it. don’t ask me out to the renaissance faire and then show up in a CRX and look confused when i say my rollator can’t go in that so i’ve gotta stay home.
• BE. PATIENT. this shit is unpleasant enough for us already, the last thing any of us need in our lives is another able-bodied asshole making us feel like burdens. we can’t do everything as quickly or as easily or sometimes at all. sometimes we need your help. sometimes we have to cancel plans. even big plans. even big expensive plans. it’s no fun for us either. sometimes we have to back out of shit halfway through because our bodies have absolutely hit the wall and have failed us. i’ve had to abandon a cart full of groceries before and sleep in my car before i could even manage to drive home because my body just gave the fuck out with no warning. can you imagine? just for a second? imagine being young enough to still get carded for booze and your body literally collapses and you have to almost crawl to your car, sitting in the middle of the floor several times on the way. don’t get frustrated with us, we’re doing our best. it’s just harder than you can imagine.

Also remember just because the cane isn’t there doesn’t mean the disability isn’t there. All of these points are still relevant. Be aware. Be considerate.

I want everyone to see this

9710144:

perfectquote:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

—Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

elf-in-a-mask:

Feanor and Fingolfin ‘s relationship in a gif:

OMFG this Sums it up perfectly XD