#sex addiction
I’m so sorry neighbor 2015-2019
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My piece of shit (POS) ex-boyrfriend
Over the course of approximately one and a half years of talking, dating and various attempts to maintain a friendship with my last boyfriend, I finally realized nothing would ever work – not romance, not platonacy, not sex.
He had come with a bunch of warning signs and red flags – many of which I had carefully considered and put to rest because I thought I was dealing with a quality person. However, it took me all of this time to realize that he had been awful to the people in his life throughout his life and when I first met him, he was at his highest, most unselfish and externally considerate juncture yet.
Even then, it was a far cry from ideal.
What he took me through was the worst I’d experienced yet – and he never admitted to or apologized for any of it, even when the last of any correspondence dissolved.
From our first meeting to our last, he took me on a winding journey with him – filled with drug addiction, sex addiction, unsafe sex, selfish sex, an STI scare, psychotic symptoms, a plethora of lies and a cesspool of toxic narcissism.
The last straw?
When we were still sexually intimate but not in a relationship, another woman spent the night with him and I found out when I showed up at his apartment – because we had planned an outing. He refused to let me in (despite repeatedly saying several times that I had a standing invitation at his apartment), blew off our plans and somehow made it my fault.
Drug addiction
When i first time I met him, he was in a live-in rehabilitation facility – attempting to and largely succeeding to get his life under control.
At first, he was kind, eager to please, considerate, caring. He treated me as if I were a profound blessing and a positive pleasure: kisses, compliments, displays of affection, respectful and eager to spend more time with me.
We broke up three times during the entire breadth of our knowing each other. The first time, he said his depression wouldn’t make a relationship with anyone a real possibility (his own words). The second, he was in the middle of spiraling bender. He was high as a kite and accused me of being part of a conspiracy to manipulate his life. The third time: he never got clean again after relapsing and losing his spot in rehab due – he went from using every few weeks, to once a week, to daily, to several times a day. This third, and final break up ended our last romantic attempt – he had told me “the reason we’d never work is because [he] was still in love with [his] ex-girlfriend.”
He had not seen this woman in more than a year.
They hadn’t been together in two or three years.
We had known each other and dated intermittently for about a year and a half.
Poor relational habits
This is in no way meant to stigma sex addicts or anyone who is hyper-sexual. This critique is strictly for my ex-boyfriend.
He was a selfish as fuck sexual partner, both our a relationship and outside of it.
Not awful – but definitely self-serving. His pleasure came before mine. His oral sex was consistently subpar and he never performed it for long. I told him several times it was my favorite thing, and he only performed it a handful of times.
I can’t remember one orgasm before, during or after having sex with him – oral, penetrative or otherwise. When I did reach orgasm, it was because of my own direct influence.
I can distinctly remember him caring about whether or not I climaxed on two separate occasions.
I can count the number of times he tried to satisfy me on one hand.
But more importantly: he shed long-standing friendships and familial relationships the same way some people shed their jacket when entering a building. If he was going through a rough time in his life – be it addiction, depression, personal problems – he would throw everyone out of his life and probably kick them on their way out.
After I met his younger brother (who is older than me, but still some years younger than himself), he told me about several poor experiences he survived as the younger sibling. At one point the brother had been in jail. His brother called the first person he could think of: my ex, his closest family member.
My ex’s response? “Good maybe you deserve it.” He left his brother in jail even though he had the time and resources to help him.
On other occasions, my ex would promise to take his younger brother on various trips: camping, fishing, traveling, etc. His brother, who was young at the time, would pack his bags and wait for me ex to arrive and take him on the promised trip.
My ex literally never showed. No call ahead to say he wouldn’t make it. He just wouldn’t show up.
His brother would spend the entire day waiting for him, only to come back inside at night disappointed because my ex never came.
The break ups
We broke up, as in ended a romantic relationship, three different times. The first two times were his decision. The last one was mine.
The first break up: he was too depressed to be in a relationship with anyone. The second: I was part of an elaborate plot (conspiracy) to control his life and influence it either for better or worse. The third: he told me the reason we would never work was because he was still in love with his previous girlfriend – I walked out.
I ended our friendship when he tried to hide another woman from me even though we still had a sexual relationship. He had her over the night before an outing and when she didn’t or couldn’t get a ride to her place (which was some distance away), he blew off our plans to drive her home.
He didn’t understand my anger in finding myself quite suddenly in an open relationship. He didn’t respect my feelings. He blamed me for being completely illogical, irrational and far too passionate for an adult discussion.
He never apologized for missing plans or attempting to deceive me.
This was my final straw. The previous weeks and current situation taught me he didn’t show care or respect to anyone. He treated me the same way he treated his closest family members – I finally realized that however fucked up he was, it wasn’t my responsibility to fix him.
Last lasts
I gave up all correspondence with him when he had another woman in his apartment, in his room, without telling me. We were still sexual at the time and I felt (and still feel) that I had every right to know that whatever we were doing wouldn’t be exclusive. If there were going to be multiple women, then he should definitely have told me.
He rejected any ownership of being dishonest. He did not apologize. He instead attempted to gaslight me and project/deflect this violation of trust.
STI scare
Long after we’d been having sex and even though we were inconsistent in using barrier protection (condoms) – my ex confessed he has an STI (it is a virus and thus, it can’t be cured, only treated). He had contracted Herpes earlier in life and lied to me about it. I had specifically asked about STDs and anything sexually transmitted before having sex with him the first time. He said “no” then. He didn’t confess otherwise until long after we dated dating the second time.
He had been medically diagnosed with Herpes for more than two years. He had lied and neglected the caution of using barrier protection despite knowing this – and thus – he knowingly, intentionally and repeatedly endangered my sexual health.
Selfish
In addition for being an inattentive and a generally sub-par lover, he eventually refused to touch me in any intimate sense. When we resumed a sexual relationship (without romance), we went from intense foreplay to sleeping side-by-side, not touching within the same 24 hours.
That night, I begged him to touch me, in any way, at all – he refused. He offered to place a hand on my shoulder instead. This was after staying up on a work night when he had initiated and promised sexual activity.
He got a hand job. I got a hand on my shoulder.
All of the lies
He said he was STD free. He said he loved me. He said he would get clean. He got caught with another woman and justified it by saying the last time we’d been sexually intimate didn’t overlap with him having another woman over – a lie by omission and his track record indicates he wouldn’t have told me until some months later.
He always broke up with me when I said I needed more than he was giving. I wanted better sex – his struggle with depression becomes too much to sustain a relationship. I want him to contribute to my well-being as much as I contribute to his – he gets super high and accuses me of conspiring to control his life. I want a future with him (which was confession of mine in our third and final romantic attempt) – he tells me he’s absolutely still in love with his ex-girlfriend.
Even as sex friends, when I told him I wanted sexual attention – he slept with someone else and I caught him red-handed. Then, he blamed me for finding out and declared I’d tried to catch him in the middle of a sexual tryst. He attempted to gas light me instead of apologizing for being deceptive.
Epiphany
He’s an awful person who doesn’t know how to be better than he is and has no desire to actually become better. He is not my responsibility.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three words: “That didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” and “Are you crazy?”
When I caught him with another woman, he immediately claimed that I didn’t have a reasonable expectation for honesty. He insisted his sex life is perfectly and completely private and he didn’t owe an explanation to anyone.
Which would have been true – except if you’re a responsible adult having sex with multiple people, they should at least know that they are one of many partners. Also, any long-standing history with one person means they have an inherent expectation of transparency – for example, if you and an ex still mess around but you are sexually active with multiple people, you should tell them, particularly if you haven’t talked about any potentiality of multiple partners.
A manipulative person will convince you that the former is an inevitable truth while the latter is a sign of dysfunction on your end.
He attempted to claim that my expectation for transparency was at the cost of his personal privacy. He refused to acknowledge that this sexual privacy came at risk to my sexual health. Multiple partners can mean potential exposure to sexually transmitted diseases – particularly if they’re inconsistent in using barrier projection. My ex generally doesn’t use condoms.
Narcissistic abusers love to play the “blameshifting game.” Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, and you or the world at large is blamed for everything that’s wrong with them. This way, you get to babysit their fragile ego while you’re thrust into a sea of self-doubt. Fun, right?”
Our last conversation was hardly a conversation. He threatened to walk out several times, claiming he felt entirely attacked and utterly unprepared to have any sort of serious discussion.
Any emotion I voiced or demonstrated was immediately seen as a threat to his mental health and current state.
He attempted to establish ground rules – but they seemed to exist to control the tone of the conversation as it affected him. For example: If we (his brother and I) didn’t follow the rules he established, he’d leave this discussion altogether. The rules he established minimized the potential for direct confrontation: forsaking all emotion to pursue logical discourse (about the emotionally charged subject of why he tried to hide having a woman over in his apartment and furthermore, blew off plans we had arranged earlier in the week by simply not showing up) and using “I feel …” statements (as opposed to “You did …”).
Whenever I became agitated and lost patience, he walked out. It took his brother yelling at him and going through a laundry list of the awful behavior he’d endured before my ex settled down.
Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability.
Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, malignant narcissists and sociopaths opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting suspects in a way that is painful and excessively cruel.
When we finally stopped speaking, my ex still hadn’t owned any of most recent faults: whether it was lying by omission, actively ignoring my messages, refusing to keep plans or his selfishness as a sexual and romantic partner.
He was utterly toxic and I want nothing else to do with him.
Here is the heart of my message: watch out loves. Some people will try to use you to the last drop. Know the signs of a toxic person and a toxic relationship, avoid them at all cost.
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