It wouldn’t be a queer blog if I didn’t talk a little bit about masculinity. Spending the last several years in Christian spaces, there wasn’t any room for queer voices. Let’s dive into some of the times where my masculinity was formed.
Childhood
Throughout childhood, there is an unspoken social order about how boys should play with boys and girls should play with girls. I don’t ever recall playing with boys during recess. My shyness and disinterest in sports meant I gravitated towards activities typically attributed to girls, such as jump rope, picking flowers, and holding hands with girls. I found it extremely unfun to play a game that was explicitly based on one’s physical strength and skill. How are athletically challenged kids supposed to feel good about themselves when playing sports during recess or P.E.? It wasn’t until high school that I actually got “physical education.” The teachers there taught me how to exercise at my own pace, and how to make an exercise plan.
American schools aren’t the best places for introverts. The loudest kids usually get the most attention, and the teacher spends more time quieting the loud ones than encouraging the quiet ones. I don’t know if you teacher did this at your school, but when the she takes us on field trips she would always ask us to stand/sit in “boy-girl order”. That means if we’re standing in line at the petting zoo or something, we have to alternate genders so that we “behave.” I get that it is one method of creating “order” and calming kids down, but how does that even apply to me? I couldn’t socialize with boys on the soccer field, and I can’t socialize with boys with this “boy-girl” rule. How am I supposed to learn how to socialize with them? Why can’t there be a time when the boys can sit down and have an emotional or intellectual conversation?
If you’re a parent reading this, please don’t encourage your feminine son to do more “masculine” things. It’s like encouraging a parrot to swim, when you could be teaching him how to fly. “Feminine” boys have so much to contribute to society. Empathy, level-headedness, understanding, thoughtfulness, patience. The world needs more men like that.
What I mean is, don’t use this as a weapon to attack the “gay childhood” experience. Don’t search for answers to why “kids turn out gay.” Accept their circumstance and learn how to nurture them as they are.
Adolescence
Gender segregation had an impact on my puberty years. By then, it was even more shameful to have opposite-gender friends (most boys were starting to think about girls). So I finally made my group of “guy” friends. We only really bonded through video games, but that was it.
It always seemed like the “masculine” guys at school had sailor mouths, and I never associated myself with that culture. That made it easier for me to start going to church in high school. I still had a tough time socializing in church, but it was slightly easier than at school. I also finally made male “best friends” in high school. One was a dancer and one was an art student. The former turned out to be gay in college (though looking back I think my gaydar was horrible).
Late teens
My first time feeling fully accepted as a person was in a Christian fellowship in college. Guys and girls alike welcomed and accepted me. I could finally have emotional and intellectual conversations with people. I was also finally invited to my first ever male-only event. This was hugely important to me, since I never ever felt comfortable in male-only settings. Especially something like this with over 50 guys. I was expecting it to be uncomfortable, but it was strangely satisfying. It seems like since most of these guys were Asian American, we could all identify in our fragile masculinity and strengthen our bond through culture.
I started using words like “dude” and “bro.” I started receiving those words as well. It’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, I’m excited to have my gender affirmed by masculine guys. On the other hand, I feel an immense pressure to gender-perform in front of them. As in “act more masculine” and “hide my femininity.” On the plus side, I learned more about physical touch between men. My church in college had a very touchy male population, and I greatly appreciated what I learned from them.
Adulthood
Still, men have a lot of work to learn how to be emotionally vulnerable. I came out to 7 people my first two years in college. 6 of them were girls. Because I could only feel emotionally vulnerable around girls and not men, I relied on my female friends and family to give me the support I needed to come out.
My last comment is a bit tricky to put into words. Let me just recount the story. I was hanging with some Christian friends on campus, when suddenly a pack of shirtless male swimmers walk by. Immediately, one of my male peers points them out to one of my female peers. Let’s just call them John and Jane. These two peers aren’t close friends or anything - John just turned to the nearest girl in our group and started teasing her.
But teasing her about what? I want to break this down. Was John really just teasing Jane about liking guys? What if Jane wasn’t into guys? Would John have done the same to me if he knew I were into guys? Was John in essence making fun of Jane’s sexuality? Was he making fun of her femininity? Why must John point out someone else’s femininity? Was John so insecure in his sexuality that he had to deflect his shame onto the nearest androphile? Why couldn’t John just face his insecure masculinity and just appreciate the male body? Why not just make a comment about the male form and not be afraid to come off as gay? Women can call other women pretty, but men can’t point out other attractive things about other men?
I’m just getting started on this conversation, but I sure many of you have better ways to process your inner thoughts on masculinity. Let’s not limit ourselves to what we think a man shouldbe. Dare to think what a man couldbe.
no. actually, children now feel comfortable and accepted enough to experiment with their gender, pronouns, name, and presentation. and while some of them end up realizing they were cis the entire time, they now have a new understanding and appreciation for one of the most marginalized and abused groups of people in the world.
If this post seems to go a bit “hands in the air” it’s only because we want to celebrate #TumblrPride. We love the vibrant cacophony of views on this platform and are so proud to be part of the liberated, technicolour spectrum of sexuality and gender identity.
“It’s often unhealthy to hyper-analyze your sexuality to the point where how you experience it changes where you belong. This is why the idea that broader terms are somehow more restrictive is baffling. Continuously breaking labels down and creating terminology for each facet of one’s identity shrinks communities until it’s just one person convinced that they’re the only one who relates to their experiences. It isolates people and ignores the importance of individuality within a collective identity.”
Here;s a little reminder. Just because you’re asexual doesn’t always mean
You’re 100% uninterested in sex.
Not in touch with your own sexuality
Dislike depictions of sexuality or sex acts
are aromantic
don’t seek emotionally fulfilling relationships
Cannot derive any sexual enjoyment whatsoever
hate sex
can’t find people or things attractive
be celibate
Asexuality is not an absolute. Like gender and other sexuality, it is a spectrum. You do not have to embody the most extreme-end expression of asexuality to legitimately identify yourself as ace.
There are plenty of asexual people who are okay with having sex. Asexual people consume pornography. Some asexual people even like to be seen as sexy (golly!). Asexuality is not literally the same as the absence of sexuality. You can do all these things while still legitimately not caring, or necessarily wanting to have sex or sexual relationships, or putting sex at the core of your relationships like society teaches us is normal. Some people who are asexual feel perfectly happy with the concept of sex so long as it involves other people and not them. Some asexual people will have sex to satisfy a partner. Some people wish they could enjoy sex more, some don’t. No two people are required to experience sexuality the same for their feelings and sexuality to be valid. Some people who self-identify as asexual only experience it to a certain degree.
Never let someone define your sexuality for you. That is your choice, your right to decide for yourself. Let no one dictate to you what you experience and how you interact with it and internalize it. The same way a bisexual person is still bisexual if they’re in a heterosexual relationship, asexuals should not be de-legitimized simply because for someone else, they’re not asexual enough.
Ten years ago I wouldn’t have even known where to start in thinking about my sexuality. If you’re a newbie to the lifestyle you might be feeling the same way. Or maybe that is one reason why you are taking the plunge. Swinging and it’s many opportunities for sexual exploration is a great way to get to know your own sexuality, and that of your partner.
Here is a great video of a woman really enjoying herself! Either she is teaching these men to last longer and doing this with a group lesson, or they are there to make her fantasy a reality! This really looks like fun way to spend a frisky afternoon! There is more that will be posted if this video later on.
This is the one Monday you can be excited about! Our #CyberMonday deals are incredible- and we’re still giving out free gifts with every purchase. Happy shopping, lovers.
“Natural sex, like a natural brassiere, is a contradiction in terms. The human sex act is a product of individual personalities, skills, and the scripts of our times. Like a brassiere, it shapes nature to something designed by human purposes and reflecting current fashion.”
- Leonore Tiefer, in “Sex Is Not a Natural Act & Other Essays”
